Holding on tight...

Waves

2012-01-29T16:01:00.000-08:00

So sometimes grief is so exhausting. Looking out the window today driving with my family I am sitting their pondering this thing called grief that has entered our lives. I am thinking how exhausted I am and how it feels to struggle thru each day. I was thinking if only people knew how hard it is to keep your head above water on a daily, hourly and by the minute need for air. It like grief is the roaring ocean and you are stranded in the middle trying to survive with all the energy and will power you can possibly gather daily. Doing your best to swim forward and try to hit some sort of land that you can finally rest and take a break at. But never knowing how far you are from it or exactly where it is. You swim and swim and struggle but are making it and you never know when a huge wave will take you under and you will have to struggle just a little more at that time to get back above the water and keep moving forward. That is what grief feels like in a way this whole ocean anaology. Constantly struggling for peace and resting and above all just a little hope. Some days you tread the water and make way but other days its those hard waves that take you under and you have to spend the whole day just trying to get your head above water once again to get you back on the path towards land. At least you hope you are going in the right direction towards land. You can only follow your instinct and faith that it's in that direction and that what you are doing on the daily is what others call making progress. You envy the time when you didn't know such pain. Now you are a forever chronic pain sufferer. Only no amount or no medications will ever help you. So you just must learn to live with it and bare it and function and hope no one notices your off stare at times. Because though your there talking sharing and even laughing at times...a peice of your heart is not with you and you will be forever thinking and missing that little piece and thinking about how you wish you could be whole again. I have no regrets only deep love and with that deep love comes deep feelings of loss. I know I will be okay I know I will survive but my dear baby girl I will forever be missing you and you will forever on the daily hold my gaze above the clouds wondering what you are doing and maybe what you would look and feel like with me down here.

Life Changes

2012-01-14T14:32:00.000-08:00

Life is ever changing and it goes ahead rather you are ready or not. You must bend and ease into each transition as gracefully as possible and thru age and life experiances it doesn't nessiarly make you more wise it makes you more graceful in a matter able to bend and transition because you know there isn't anything you can do but go with it and hopefully bend a little more your direction. I know it sounds like riddles printed here in black bold words but in my head it seems to make since in some way and if you were in my head you would be nodding and saying how bright we both are....=) Today has been a up and down day for me. Somedays you seem to live more then others in a way there is so much want and need for things in my life and in my head but then sometimes when I try to act out on them the hunger and need seems to fade back into some length of despair. Life is so much different now my views seem to ever change never really knowing which direction they will get until I get there. That is my life these days. Day by day breath by breath. Sometimes I dream of her and when I think of her it almost seems like a bad memory at times then at other times a dream come true because of her sweet face and I was so able to hold and view her. Yes pondering tonight holding back alot to this post.....may not be the last one tonight

Happy New Years 2012

2012-01-03T18:58:00.000-08:00

Well I know I am late in this posting for sure! Been thinking about it though and really trying to pinpoint my exact feelings on this year of 2011 being over and done with. Well that is the thing now that I am typing it out on the computer screen it isn't done with in a way. There will always be a open piece to this year 2011 that we can never close or put behind us but nor would I want us to. It's hard to say this year has been the worst year of our lives because I feel guilty for saying that about my daughter and her traumatic birth. Because like I have always said if I had the choice to do it again given the same outcome just to have her with me for that amount of time I would. So yes 2011 was a hard year and a year for many lessons and learning as I feel some days I am a newborn again in this world, I can't say it was the worst ever because there can always even in our situation be worse and it brought me my beautiful daughter. I wouldn't take those moments with her back for a million dollars even if it would mean getting rid of this grief and pain. She was so worth it and if you all could have met her in person you would have thought the same. She is still in my thoughts everyday and I am never seeing that changing. I have always wondered with friends of grief how often they think of their lost children and never believing with time it would still be everyday but now I am believing in some way or another its still every minute because you in some ways carry them with you always. So weird to really type that out and look at it and I know to the normal population it seems weird and hard to explain but you seem to always feel this weight? Not a burden but something not quite sad not quite happy but always there. This year I do feel a since of freshness and new HOPE. A friend of mine gives a word to each new year and I thought about it and that is all I can think of is HOPE and HEALING. Faith because yes I still have mine. I think god nightly for my Delanie and choosing me to be her mother. I always say poor Delanie I feel so honored because maybe in heaven she was trying to choose a family and knew she only had a short time so she needed to pick a family that would be able to love and care for her and show her what this world was about in a short time and she chose us. It had to be a hard choice but I am thankful she made it. I am now thankful I was on bedrest all those grueling months because it gave me more bonding time with just me and her and feeling each move and kick and celebrating them deeply. I miss the days laying in bed and talking to her and watching her twist and turn from the outside. I am so thankful I am so blessed to have had the chance to be with her so closely and bond so tightly. So for 2012 I am hoping more healing for my family and our still broken hearts. More lessons in life that we can survive thru. I am still living on faith and that god will lead me on the path I was meant to lead and help me make the daily choices to follow it. I pray for good health for my little family and happiness. 2011 is behind us and I have to say it was sad to leave it behind a little but good in another way. I am no longer the mother that lost a child this year. I am the mother that lost her child last year. Almost 9 months ago now. How much time can make such a difference in some peoples lives. This time last year I was still working and on the 7th would be my last day of work before going on STRICT bedrest until April 6th when she came into the world. It was a hard time but so well worth it. So here is to 2012 and all that it brings us please lord help us heal and do better in life.

Heartbeat

2011-12-26T22:13:00.000-08:00

So there is a saying to have a child is to forever walk around with your heart beating outside your body. So what do you do if that heart is not beating but no longer belongs to you? We had a wonderful full day of family and blessings this Christmas but all day I would share looks with my husband and look around and think about what life would be like if we were giggling over a toddler learning her steps for the first time in a dress that would be way too poofy for her and pretty shoes that were more then likely a size too big, chasing her around trying to put bows back in her hair for family pictures. Almost sounds like a busy crazy day for normal people but it sure would be heaven for us. Through out the day no one mentioned her name no one said anything no one even gave us looks of "I'm sorry" which I didn't ask for and not sure I wanted them too. Might have been to much. The only one who really channeled in because she can feel me was my best friend and her god mother. I just would think to myself she is forgotten already. Even though I know she might have been on everyone's minds and they might have just been protecting us. We were still having a great time but all the time thinking we should have done something more for her to make her presence known. Besides our normal fresh Christmas flowers in a vase next to her urn and candles lit we should have done something more. But then I feel sometimes a little shameful because I feel like I might talk about her to much or drive people insane with my grief so I constantly guard myself about what I say and when. The thing is that the grief is still fresh and yes I still think of her constantly and I am still young in my grief path and I am still learning how to live this new life and part of me is like a baby learning my way thru. But if ever a fear of me not moving forward I am just with her in tow. I just think I can't believe it has been almost 9 months since I held her 9 months ago tonight she would still be alive and wiggling around and amazing me daily with her strength and I would still be the happiest I have ever been in life with my beautiful family almost completed. Some people may think I am a dweller and that I should move on but only if they have held their lifeless child and see how perfect they are just sleeping could they judge me or tell me how to feel and since that catagory only fits a small amount of people thankfully in this world I wouldn't bet on many people telling me that. She mattered so much and I wish daily I could go back to holding her and kiss her a little more and take more pictures and share more with her. Sometimes I just stare at her little urn and can't believe that my hopes and dreams and hard long pregnancy and suffering and beautiful daughter are all wrapped up in a little metal pink box. Life can be so beautiful one moment and then so harsh and dark and ugly a breath later. The lessons this path has shown me are extremely valuable and are treasured because it has changed my outlook and sympathy to a whole other level. But I would trade it back for the innocent outlook I shared prior for her in a heartbeat. Christmas brought so many happy times in the day but in the stillness of the night came the emotions and thinking and yet again grief. Sometimes I still dream like she is with me and nothing happened and for those dreams and moments they are wonderful the feeling of blissful happiness is back until I wake up and the hard reality hits once again. But even though they are just brief moments they sure are worth it. Just like her short time here even though it was short it sure was worth it. I thank her so much for choosing us and am so blessed to have felt her held her kissed and loved her. She was worth it she was so worth it. Delanie mommy and daddy and all your family love you we miss you and will love you always and forever. You will constantly be in my thoughts and heart.

Silent Night...

2011-12-20T18:22:00.000-08:00

I really am reaching out for feelings day by day during this holiday season. I am feeling the feelings of grief on and off the anger, anguish, should of could of's, why me's and depression then among the also a wonderful feeling of blessed from time to time. Because I am experiancing them because god gave me a chance. God gave her to me and I must be thankful for that otherwise I am being rude. I am blessed to have had her even for a short time. My mind is just wondering more these past few days on what she would be doing right now and how I wish she were here and things were different. I didn't take down decorations from the attic for a long while. We bought new ornaments for the tree because of a new kitten and we didn't want our nice ones broken. I finally opened the box from last year and BAM a bunch of bought baby ornaments people had given me for Christmas last year when we announced that we would be giving birth to a little girl. It hit me like a ton of bricks and then in the back of my mind when I opened the box I starred down at them and slowly touched them because I was thinking the last time I touched them I was so happy and glowing and so excited and maybe just touching them I might feel a hint of that wonderment again. But they didn't hold it like some sacred object I slowly put the lid back on and turned away. Next year I will deal with them but this year, this year I am taking it easy and facing things as I can and will just focus on breathing and making it another day at a time. This year is almost over and for that I am happy. I am just praying that 2012 brings us so much more happiness and smiles. We need it deeply and desperately lord please lead me on this path I am meant to follow to happier times please help me make the choices correctly to get there. Heavy hearted tonight but praying.

Hello World

2011-12-18T20:04:00.000-08:00

So every morning on my way to work I think of blogs and talk about them in my mind. Then I say I am going to come home and finally start writing again but then make excuses. I have no idea why. I think because right now is such uncertain times on feelings with the holidays and just the yearning all around. My arms seem to ache a little harder these days. I wonder a little more what she would look like right now and for some strange reason I think about putting tights on her little legs and watching her crawl with them. Just the little things others prolly take for granted I yearn for and dwell on. Other babies do not bother me one bit and baby things just make me want her here to buy them all up. I want my baby not someone elses so that part is concrete in my brain. I still enjoy babies and love my job of course. I still love to smile and wave at them in the store they don't always make me think of her because they are simply not what I am yearning for, she is irreplaceable. Some days I think of how blessed I am and honored god chose me to love her for her short time. God chose me for this life lesson. I feel so close to my sister's and brother's of loss and when I meet a new couple at work it breaks my heart to know the path they have started on and all the twists and turns of the journey I know so well ahead of them. The want to wake that sleeping baby in front of you. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I desperately want to be there for them because like no one else I can say I UNDERSTAND and mean it and fully can. I have rocked a sleeping baby and prayed for a breath or any sign of life. I have kissed her hello and goodbye just like they will have to be strong enough to do. I just wish everyone could understand how much this effects a mother or father or any other family member or friend of loss and how in the profession we should do everything possible for them to ease any amount even though it is only a SMALL amount of pain they are and will go thru. This mother takes home all her hopes and dreams empty handed in a wheel chair all wrapped up in a memory box filled with mementos and pictures and footprints. That is all she gets. Its so important that she at least gets that to hold on to. I am going to try to start another fund raiser at work in hopes I can get more done for my families of loss. Heart hurts not only for my family and friends this holiday season but for all the families missing someone special around the tree this year for the first time. It seems my phrase that comes to mind all the time lately is I just wish things were different. I just wish this wasn't happening. I just wish we could be happier with her here too. But they are the way they are and we are stronger because of it. We love thru thick and thin and we just hang on that one unchanging thing, Our love. Its never ending and never fading loss can't take that away.

Video last year on Christmas

2011-12-05T06:34:00.000-08:00

This is the video last year on Christmas that we posted to the public to let everyone know what sex Delanie was please do not post or like or comment on this video just view if you would like.

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10150144953490898

Sorry

2011-12-05T06:26:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking about this blog daily and in my head on my way to work is I almost post daily in my head. Weird I know LOL I talk to myself as if I am writing in the blog and saying out loud how I feel and the still unusualness (if even a word) of the path that I am on and leading. I feel sometimes in this blog I talk about loss and Delanie to much and I think people might be sitting back and thinking GOD woman get over it. But then I remind myself this is my blog and people who come here choose to and can very well choose not to. Either way it helps calm madness in my brain. I do want to do more daily family posts as well. I plan on decorating the christmas tree with Dustin and John today and also the house. Much later this year we usually have it done by now. To tell you the truth I have not been in the holiday season. Thanksgiving I spent alone but it is really what I preferred and I was fine with it. I was sick and nursing a cold and did not want to get anyone else sick. But I think really it was what was best for me in truth. I think it eased alot of pain. So thanksgiving wasn't bad but for some reason I think Christmas will be. Christmas last year was so much fun and we had announced what sex of the baby we were having and her wonderful well thought out name. A strong beautiful name that we picked perfectly. It was a beautiful time and beautiful moments that I am so very happy we got to share. This little baby brought so much happy moments in her short life and I treasure them. I just sometimes want to rewind to the moment of those and just suck up every oz of happiness and love and warmth and really relish those moments that at the time I didn't realize how exactly precious they were. Losing Delanie has taught me many valuable lessons in life. How to treasure things a little more and take in the senses of each moment. How to help others thru this crazy path of pain and grief. How to help them treasure what they have left. I still stick to my faithful saying to Delanie "if I could choose again, I would still choose you". I am blessed. I am very blessed with the LOVE of my life and the most wonderful father in the world and my VERY healthy miracle child Dustin and my very beautiful personal angel. I am very blessed to have the chance to be a mother to two beautiful children. My boy and my girl <3 To have the wonderful family I do. I love my parents all sets. Even my Kookie mother and her silly ways. My MIL for her wonderful wisdom and unwavering love and support. I am blessed. I have much more then others. Count your blessings as small as they are each day because the negatives will drown you fast.

Still breathing...

2011-11-14T05:52:00.000-08:00

Still breathing and working on things around the house. We cleaned out the garage this weekend and worked on getting our house ready for winter and made sure we had all pipes insulated and faucet covers on and some branches that looked shifty down. We still have alot more to do but slowly but surely just like everything else in life we will get there. Last week I got my employee of the month reward which was really nice! I was nominated because of my performance but also due to my work on our fetal demise program at work. I still have more to do on the program need to finish buying flower seeds for each birth month to give to the mothers and fathers of loss. I have been working on trying to get Delanie's pictures edited a little more as well and I really want to do the whole slide show thing to put on here with music and all. I think I will release it on her birthday in April. I want it to be special. I still think of her hourly and she is never far from my mind and of course always in my heart. This week we are planting her flowers around her tree. Her sweet big brother got the soil ready yesterday and pulled all little weeds and grass near there. I am so very proud of him being such a wonderful big brother. The other day I was at work and a dietary person stopped me to talk to him and she asked me if he was my only one and not knowing exactly what to say at that moment and not wanting her to feel bad I just said he is my only son. Dustin then looked up at me confused and said NO I HAVE A SISTER but she went to heaven. I was beaming with a smile on my face and she prolly thought I was really weird but I was smiling with pride for my son and how incredible his heart is. I can't believe I was blessed with such a beautiful soul. I really trust god and I know he personally selected my children's souls just for me. And I know I have had a hard road but like I always say If I had to choose again it would still be the same. I would still choose them. They are the loves of my life. That and their father. I am blessed even though I am broken I am blessed.

Life...

2011-11-08T07:08:00.000-08:00

Man I really need to find some organization in my life. Sometimes I feel like I have no control on energy and I think if I really got some things organized and done it would be tons better mentally really. So I am thinking of really hitting it hard this weekend and doing yard and house work in hopes we can clear some junk and along with that mental fog. We are at a stand still in our gardens and yard stuff because we have to save more money up and then also agree on alot of our choices and make sure we make the best ones. Dustin is doing well he had a wonderful Halloween and I will make sure I post some pictures of him at the end of this post. He lost his two front teeth but I guess not lost they were really wiggly and my sister pulled them out because I hate teeth. Yep I am a nurse and I do alot of gross stuff but I hate teeth! I know it's crazy! I got employee of the month at work which is exciting. I also got recoginised for all my grief work on the fetal demise area at work and getting all the donations for the families of loss at our hospital. I will keep going too I am not stopping. We made it thru Delanie's 7 month angelversary I spent it alone which was hard but it's over now. I will try to start updating alot more on here and doing more pictures

John dressed up too =)

Toothless pirate!

7 Months my love

2011-11-05T19:38:00.000-07:00

It's been 7 months tomorrow that my Delanie was born into this world and delivered to god. I know that I have not wrote in a short while but I feel like sometimes I am writing the same things over and over and that people will eventually get annoyed with my harping about grief and missing her so much. But the fact is there is never a time that she isn't near my thoughts or consuming my conversation or dreams. I find myself trying to be watchful in fear I talk about her to much. I can't stop myself sometimes because she is always on my mind. When you mind is constantly consumed by a subject in life whatever you are going thru at that time whether it be pregnancy,wedding, divorce and such you find yourself always crossing the subject or molding your conversations to what is going on in your life. Well Delanie is mine. I think of her all the time. Half the time people think I am day dreaming when I am quietly pondering something at work or staring off at a baby and yes it is Delanie that is consuming me at that moment. I find myself looking at baby's fingers and toes and bringing myself back to holding her in my arms. It's not a hurtful moment. Just a remembering moment in time. Sometimes during this time of her angel day I feel like I am in a ground hog day movie. It's like I relive the day and the events each month. I think now as I am typing this the night before her birth is the hardest really. This time right now she was alive. She was active but felt distant and was not moving as much. John and I layed in the bed and debated on going in or calling the doctor but when I thought about calling she would move again. I made the wrong choice. But I don't know if they would have done or caught anything if I had gone in since her heart tones were still normal. That all lays in the unknown and the facts that I can't change or undo what I did or didn't do. I wish things would have been different but they aren't and were not. Tonight 7 months ago she was alive and well and all my dreams coming true wrapped up in a perfect pink bow. Tomorrow was the birth of my beautiful angel and the beginning of my awakening to a new world. A world of knowledge that bad things can happen. The unimaginable happens. The layer thought of protection and blissfullness forever burst. Tomorrow was the first and last times my lips would touch her and I would hold her and I would smell her and rub my fingers thru her lovely locks of hair. I think of silly things sometimes. Like how she would never suck and would never have a bottle and none of that ever touched her lips. I think of even in her death some things I wish I would have done and changed. I wish I had taken more pictures then what I had even though I have several. How can you ever really have enough? After all they are all you will ever have. I wish Dustin would have seen her but I was in fear for him at the time. I wish more people would have met her now. But then again those close moments we wanted to soak up every minute of her warmth and beauty. Nuzzling her face with my cheek and smelling her freshly bathed head was pure joy. She makes my heart smile just thinking of her but my arms ache. Tonight I hope is the worst of it. Because I work tomorrow. I am just wondering if I will forever be playing this groundhog day nightmare.

Another picture to share...

2011-10-24T07:13:00.000-07:00

My beautiful daughter that I love so dearly one of the pictures I want to share with you all that I so look at and takes me back to the times I held her close. This picture she was just placed in my arms. She was warm and smelled like baby wash and sweet baby lotion. Her skin was soft and hair was fuzzy and her cheeks were like daddy's. This was a sweet bitter moment but in all with her another one I cherish. Again she looks darker in the picture because we have a high def. camera. She was lighter in person and perfect <3

What do you do when your not the only...

2011-10-24T06:43:00.000-07:00

What do you do when you not the only one suffering or yearning? Dustin drew a picture for me the other day and I loved it but it did make me think and I was proud of the love that is in my son but sad in some ways too. He drew a picture of me sleeping with a baby in my belly he drew the cord in all. He said it was his next baby brother or sister that might be growing soon. He then wrote me a letter about how he missed me that week and asked if we could go to the costume store this weekend to pick out a costume for Halloween. So weird how he can just switch gears like that all on one page? I am proud at how freely he expresses his feelings and yearnings though and made sure I gave him credit and love and told him how much I loved the letter and treasured every piece of art he created in life.

He is so sweet and such a gentle soul. I am just so blessed that god chose to give him to us. To let us learn and love him. I did meet a new OBGYN this week that I am interested in taking my case and I really liked her. I asked her blunt questions on if she had time for me and if I would be overloading her with my case and to PLEASE tell me now and I would keep my searching going. She did accept me as a patient then began to tell me of her stories that she held herself. She has been thru two second trimester losses due to incompetent cervix. She has since had 2 successful pregnancies and proudly shares their pictures all around her office. The office was nice calming shades of blue with beautiful artwork displayed of all the doctor's with their own families instead of models. I liked that part. I tried to pay close attention to detail. They had couches to sit on in the waiting room which I loved because being hugely pregnant chairs are not your friend and they make you seriously think about hauling around a geriatric donut to sit on. She was calm and nice took me in her office and we sat down to talk. She waited for me to finish all my story without rushing me. She read my chart prior to seeing me. She even noticed I was due for a pap smear and offered to do it before I left so that I could do it under one visit. I thought that was nice. I agreed and made a joke about not being prepared and not shaving my legs she joked back saying I could feel her's and it would make me feel better because she was also unable to shave LOL May have been a simple joke to others but it made me at ease. She said alot of valuable things that made me think she could really be the person I am searching for to help bring our next child home. I would still see the same high risk of course I would never give her nor her staff up. So when the time does come and we are ready at least things are set up so that we are not rushing or overwhelmed with the what next steps. I want to make sure we are relaxed and enjoy the next time at least as much as possible. Please no one ask us when that is or will be as it is a private choice between us and our family. We may not even know as we don't know this life path we are being taken on. But we do know we will get prepared so that when we are ready it will be a smoother transition. Until then. Stay blessed count your blessings hold your babies and kiss the wind for your angels.

Infant Loss Day

2011-10-15T20:20:00.000-07:00

Today was my first Infant Loss Day. I didn't think about it until it was to late to take myself off the schedule so today I was at work. I worked the NICU and it wasn't bad emotional wise. I was useful and focused on my work and taking care of those who needed me at the time. I kept my mind busy so maybe that was for the best. I thought of Delanie and all the angels I have come to know in my life. I thought about so many sets of parents before Delanie even passed that have been suffering loss over all these years. Sad how I look at them in some strange ways as mentors now like senior upper classmen that you you look up to in a strange way. You look to them for guidance and know from them living everyday life that it is actually possible for life to keep going even though you feel like your world is constantly standing still from time to time. You look to them for proof that this is not beatable but liveable. That you will smile again and laugh and even enjoy the some sweet moments in life again. But you also learn that your thoughts will never be to far from the missing piece of your heart. I worked and then came home to my houseful of wonderfully healthy nieces and my beautiful son smiling and happy. I remembered even when feeling my world will crash down to be thankful for my wonderful blessings. Not to forget these beautiful babies that did have a chance. I came home and arranged the photos of candles that I had thought about today and then took them with my camera on my phone and of course posted my support on facebook.

One Candle for my angel alone and then one for the many angels of my dear friends that have lost their own angels to soon.

For my Angel Delanie Faye taken in her room still the same as it was. Still haven't changed anything in there. Someday...but not right now

For the other angels I am always thinking and praying for as well. Praying for those angels lost to soon

Infant loss day 2011

6 long but short months

2011-10-06T06:05:00.000-07:00

Happy Angelversary my love. Today you grew your wings and went home to god and to many people waiting for you with open arms waiting to rock you for mommy and daddy and hold you close. You were so perfect with your daddy's features and chubby cheeks and sweet smell of a newborn. You were perfect in everyway to perfect for this world. Your hair golden and eyes peircing blue no wonder god wanted to as one of his angels. Thank you so much for choosing us to love you for your short time. I know it was hard to make that choice and I am honored you chose this family. We love you so much little one your brother and family miss you daily and there is not a moment in the day that the thoughts of you don't consume me. I think about you all the time and will never stop loving you.

Raining...

2011-10-05T09:13:00.000-07:00

I am strong I know I am I have to be to be thru all that we have been thru in life and still be standing. Just every now and then I would really like to see the easy route thru life's twists and turns but then again working hard and not having the easy things handed to me I think has made me a stronger and better person than maybe I would have been without them. Would I have been the good mother I know I am to Dustin without knowing how precious his life truly is? I can't answer that fully because its something unknown. I fought to get pregnant then I fought to keep him alive I just feel like I have spent my whole life fighting for the family I know we deserve. All my life since I was little the only thing I have ever had in my mind was to be a mother. I have wanted children with my whole being. And I know I am super blessed with Dustin and with Delanie even though she was here a short time I am forever her mother that title never fades or goes away. I know I am lucky to not only have a father for my children that is wonderful and thoughtful and hands on and supportive but also my dear soul mate. Not many people can say that and know it full with their heart. I could not live without John being the other half of me. So back to the easy way. If I had it the easy way would I have the love rich feelings towards my family and motherhood? I wish it had been easier but would I have take life's simple things for granted that most people think are trivial? I remember Dustin's first cry after being getting off the vent for the first time in almost 2 months. April 26th 2003 I waited all day because the boy never cried. I waited and sat next to his bedside warmer and waited and waited. Finally his 3rd feeding of the day was about 5 minutes late and I started to hear a raspy whimper come from his little mouth and then he started squirming around. I was breathless and teary that was my son and that was his little roar he fought so dearly to have. I was amazed and my faith in god grew stronger that very second. People prolly thought I was a idiot they prolly didn't know I was waiting for something so special and long awaited for me but trivial and maybe a annoyance to them. I waited and I was rewarded with a sweet raspy sound from my first born son. It was worth it. So with Delanie. I waited and put myself and body thru so much to see those 2 lines once again. I waited...I waited...years pasted and still I waited...always in my head just wait and you will be rewarded. And I was they came and brought me something many people don't have and have never held or touched their own angel. I thought even if god had come to me and said I know you have been waiting but all I have is a angel that won't be able to stay long but will change your life and bring you joy, Will you take her for her short time here in a show her love and let her feel your warmth and strength" I would have said yes with no hesiation. So who says I am not blessed. I waited for her and she came. My whole life has been a challenge but in my children I will never take a breath or giggle for granted and I will spend my whole life waiting for the greatness brought to me. After all they are worth it and if I have to spend my time waiting for them that is time very well spent. After the rain comes a rainbow you just have to look thru the clouds and wait for the rain to settle and stop and stay strong thru the winds and keep your face forward or you will miss the rainbow if you give up and hide and find shelter. So wait the storm out and you will be rewarded. I will keep waiting lord and I will be rewarded I will stay strong I will stay face up and I will keep fighting.

October 15th

2011-10-03T18:39:00.000-07:00

October 15th is national perinatel and infant loss day. How sad that this happens to much that there is a day and even a whole month to remember it. I think about her so much it never lessens each day just the effects of it aren't as heart crushingly painful. Thanks to time aka pain medication. I still stick to the theory that time is like pain medication for the grieving. Doesn't take away the pain but helps numb the effects so that you can get thru every day life and find your " new normal" I am still thinking about the slide show and I really want to go thru with it but only with my husband's blessing. Not sure when we will do it we haven't talked much about it. The fetal Demise program at work is going really well and we now have a closet full of things that we can try to comfort the families with to help them in such a raw and emotional time. I talked with the threads of love foundation today and they came in and brought me some more supplies that we needed and they were all breathtakingly beautiful! Just seeing them make my eyes well up with pride thinking we would be putting these precious outfits on such beautiful angels. They were priceless. Although YES I wish there were no babies to use them on but there is and I pray for them all daily. I wish I could take it all away from them the pain and the knowing of the path they will walk on. I see them in the hosptial and not all the grief hits you there. Its more the numb feeling and loss. But the hardcore grief I beleive hits you once you are home and alone and start slowly going thru the stages of grief and loss. I count the good things in my life to keep me afloat. No matter how small they are. I think I am blessed. The car didn't break down, my son's grades are good, my washer didn't break nor did any other appliances, no one got in a wreck, my pets are healthy, we have jobs, ect. just keep counting until the negative doesn't consume you into the darkness of depression. Take it from Dorie the fish on finding nemo...just keep swimming..lol. Dustin lights up my life everyday and I thank god so much for him. He keeps me sane and laughing and he is so perfect. He is such a good big brother and talks about Delanie all the time. He always worries about other people and his heart is so perfect. I wonder how I was chosen to be his mother and how lucky I am to have him. The things that come out of his mouth just amaze me. He makes me believe that in the future the world will be better because he is in it. He is a thin league of good hearted people it seems these days. And god gave him to me =)

So remember those that have earned there wings WAY to soon. October 15th light a candle for those babies and the parents walking around with broken hearts forever missing them.

The Cord

2011-09-30T05:56:00.000-07:00

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

Not so happy birthday..

2011-09-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

So my birthday is coming up now...pretty quickly. I can't believe I am going to be 30 years old already. I really thought by this age I would be done having my children and would look back on like with relief of 2 healthy children and a completed family unit of 4 wonderful souls. This birthday not only because age is hard for me but looking back on last year's birthday was one of the best times of my life. Last year if you look back on the October posts from last year. This birthday weekend of mine was our coming out on telling EVERYONE we were expecting another new baby to our family. The weekend was full of fun and excitement and sleepless nights over the pure excitement that a baby was finally coming to our family. The light in everyone's eyes and happiness was purely overwhelming. The feeling of knowing a life was growing inside my belly was overwhelming. All the thoughts and feelings were so wonderful and the hopes and dreams were building by the minute. The weekend was one of the best ones in my life and I am so very glad to have had it and I am glad she gave that to me. But now looking back to this coming weekend it has nothing to compare to that one. That weekend I think was the best birthday I have ever had everything was perfect and the surprises lasted all weekend person after person, smile after smile. Life was awesome. Now what will happen this week? It's kind of like having the top of the line steak and then going down to a chopped steak tha'ts stone cold and in some unknown and not recommended gravy. So people have been asking me all week what I want to do for my birthday but really my mind can't seem to connect with it. It just doesn't want to think about it. I am happy to be with my family but I am just at a loss on what to do and what the weekend will hold. I am sure I will be happy but just never like I was last year. I smile thinking of it all though. What wonderful memories were made last year. All thanks to my little angel choosing us to carry her. She was the best birthday gift ever I just wish I could have her back.

The counting continues....

And so it begins....

2011-09-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

The past few months the counting has not been so bad. But I think it has only just really begun. Today last year I was upset. I was crying holding a stark blank pregnancy test and wondering when my turn to love again would happen. I was torn up and felt defeated thinking why on earth god would not bless me with a angel because I knew I was a good mother. I knew the love we had for eachother and for our children. Why wouldn't god give us a special angel for this family? I awoke the next morning September 24th and swore I wouldn't test again and began cleaning my house on my day off. Around 1030-1100am I got to my bathroom and went to cleaning out all the cabinets and sinks and toilet. Under the cabinet there was one test left out of one of my old boxes that I must have missed. The expiration date was fine on it and I figured what the heck one more time after all I am not buying another box what is wasting this one? Besides the heartache of another blank white box with one line instead of two. I took my time and then opened the package after yelling at myself in the mirror for awhile. I took the last test and sat there looking at it as I always did. I watched the shade of pink swim over the white box from one line to the other. The lines both stayed.....two lines? Really? Finding out you are pregnant after trying for so long is like a fire drill in a real fire. You prepare and think about everything you are going to do but for some reason think it will never happen. Oh my god what do I do now? It's actually positive? What is the next step? How do I feel? Is it real? I wonder if the test is messed up? Don't get excited Holly it has to be a mistake? Keep your gaurd up stay calm drive to target and buy every box on the damn shelf! So that is what I did. Test after test said that my dream and prayer had been answered. My angel was on her way. My special delivery. We had been selected to be parent's once again. Little did we know just how special of a angel had selected us. Delanie knew her time was short on this earth and she CHOSE us to spend it with! She chose me to carry her love her feed her and grow her. All with those two lines my world would change and never be the same again. I would know a new type of love and a new learning of the world of grief. Those two lines. The rest of the afternoon after the marathon empting of my bladder, I thought of how and when I would tell John. I wanted it to be special for him but I was so excited I knew I HAD to tell him that day or I would just blurt it out from over excitement. I ran to the store and bought two bibs and some sign poster board and made my annoucement and placed it on the bed. IF you look back at the posts last year on this blog you will see the pictures of how we told everyone about our new found pregnancy. I wish I could rewind to those times I was so happy. John was so light hearted and he glowed with pride as I did as well. Our family would be completed soon and that would be the closing chapter of our child bearing years. Was kind of sad too when you say it that way! I still have no regrets I think her daily for choosing me and John and our family for her short time here. She must have thought long and hard about which family she would choose. I wish she could have stayed longer but I am glad for the time we had and the lessons and love we learned and felt. Tomorrow was the beginning of my daughter. I just wish there was a different ending of her as well. So it begins....the countdown of the next 8 months she was with us. I know I will survive I know there will be larger hurdles and I know there will be smaller ones. I know I have no control over which days will be harder and which days will be easier. I have no control and I understand that and give it up freely and will live life from one breath to the next. Always loving my family counting my blessings and missing the ones lost. That is all I can do. And so this time begins.........lord my hands are up and I am giving you control.

Blessed...

2011-09-16T19:47:00.000-07:00

So many lessons this little girl has taught us in life. I look at my husband and am so deeply in love with him. Even more so with all that we have been thru. I know without him I would not have all I have today. This life that we have grown together from scratch. He has given me my beautiful children and wonderful life full of love and affection. With Delanie being born and then leaving us it has only made us closer. He is what I hold on to in the storm he keeps me afloat and Dustin shines light on me to keep me from the dark. Without these two wonderful men I just would not be able to keep my head up. That and my wonderful family and friends don't get me wrong. I just look at John with so much love. He would do anything to take care of me. I read articles all the time and see it on infant loss boards where losing a child breaks marriages apart. I just don't see how that could or would ever happen in a marriage. If anything it has brought us closer and will continue to. You can lose so much in life when you choose not to I don't see how anyone would choose to lose something on purpose. I know that doesn't make much sense thinking back but in my mind it does. We are her our hearts beat together for her. Our love made her and our beautiful son. We are one heart in our family beating strong for all four of us. Words can't say how much my husband and family mean to me. John always asks me how much do you love me? I always have the same reply and have for so many years. "More then words could ever say". that rings so true because words could never even describe nor touch our love. He is my soulmate and I should count my blessings in this big world that I found him and we created a family. I need to count my blessings and be thankful for what I do have and not what I don't in life. I have a beautiful son, I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home and life, I love my job, I love my family, I had the chance to carry the most beautiful angel in the world and if given the chance I would do it again with the same result, I know things have came harder for us then others mainly when it comes to battling for our children but we have a huge appreciation for them and know what a blessing they are and each breath they take. We learned it with Dustin and also now with Delanie. Do not take a breath for granted because each one is a gift. You can't worry about when your last one will be, because you will miss out on life breathing the ones in between you just have to have faith and know how lucky and blessed you are and know there are things meant for you to accomplish in this world in this life because you were given the chance to breath to live and to love. We are all blessed

Parable of the Twins

2011-09-16T07:59:00.000-07:00

A passage shared on one of my grief boards that totally amazed me! Thought I would share...

'The Parable of the Twins"

Once upon a time, twin boys were conceived in the same womb.

Weeks passed, and the twins developed. As their awareness grew, they laughed for joy, "Isn't it great that we were conceived? Isn't it great to be alive?"

Together the twins explored their world. When they found their mother's cord that gave them life they sang for joy, "how great is our mother's love that she shares her own life with us."

As the weeks stretched into months the twins noticed how much each was changing.

"What does this mean?", asked the one.

"It means that our stay in this world is drawing to an end", said the other one.

"But I don't want to go", said the one, "I want to stay here always"

"We have no choice", said the other, "but maybe there is life after birth!"

"But how can it be?" responded the one. "We will shed our life cord, and how is life possible without it? Besides, we have seen evidence that others were here before us and none of them have returned to tell us that there is life after birth."

And so the one fell into deep despair saying, "If conception ends with birth, what is the purpose of life in the womb? It's meaningless! Maybe there is no mother at all."

"But there has to be", protested the other. "How else did we get here? How do we remain alive?"

"Have you ever seen our mother?", said the one. "Maybe she lives in our minds. Maybe we made her up because the idea made us feel good."

And so the last days in the womb were filled with deep questioning and fear and finally the moment of birth arrived.

When the twins had passed from their world, they opened their eyes and cried, for what they saw exceeded their fondest dreams.

How are you doing? How's your day?

2011-09-16T06:21:00.000-07:00

These questions now make me insanely giggle in my head. When you have grief these are the worst questions to ask for some reason and you don't know it unless you have been thru it. I have asked the questions myself to people suffering a loss and grief and never thought how bad they may sting because they are just words and you don't think of the meaning of those few words. Many grief parent's agree on my boards and friends I talk to that these phrases sometimes hurt the most. Couldn't give you a long list of reason's why. Maybe because Do you really want to know? Would you really want me to unload every exact feeling on you? Do you have time for all that? Do you have the strength to even hear my worries or the craziness that goes thru my head? The answer is no on the most part. People ask you this and I smile innocently because that is what they are innocent in asking and they are unknowing to the world of grief. Which I am happy for. I wish no one knew this world. You feel like you are walking on a different planet sometimes.

Breathing again...

2011-09-11T11:47:00.000-07:00

I posted the song I know it doesn't pertain to my very situation per say but I find myself singing it in my head all the time every so often. It does make me think about the whole breathing method. Sometimes I feel like yes I am living and breathing but I would love to take a breath of air without hurt or grief in it. I laugh I live on but it feels like that weight is always there. You can't take a whole complete breath of refreshing air and feel the calm. Good days or bad days you never know waking up which day you will receive that day. I still have alot to do for her. Why can't I seem to do it? Something in my head and heart I know. Maybe I just can't let that pain in just yet to do those things on my list. But then on the other hand I think it makes me feel like a bad mother or person just in general. I am also thinking of asking John if I could do a slide show and post it on here in honor of Delanie pregnancy and birth and after sharing. I need to think of songs to put on it. It will take me awhile to do but I want to do it for myself as well and to share her. She was so real so special and so sweet. I can't turn on the TV today and I won't. I know it is 9-11 the 10th annie. But I can not take in that emotional pull right now. I am doing the best I can daily and I think that the pull of the thought of all the loss and feelings of the living would just bring me to another day in bed. I can't let that happen. So I will keep the TV but know that I am still thinking of everyone lost that day and thinking of everyone missing them and carring around this weight of grief for 10 long years. They are so strong. Grandparents day is today and I should have planned something very special for them. Course hard to get them all together. I had been passing cards and thinking of things all month and now the day has crept up on me and nothing was planned. I would go over to John's parent's right now but John had already put a brisket in the over to cook all day so with the fires I am so nervous to leave the house with the oven on and going. Choices......it will have to be phone calls today. More later...

Sara Bareilles - Breathe Again (Studio Version) + Lyrics

2011-09-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

Delanie's 5 month angel day

2011-09-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

This one hit me out of no where. I wasn't planning on it being so hard to bare today. I even scheduled myself to work. I thankfully got put on call this morning after a horrible night of fitful nightmares and constant waking up. I don't know if it was inner stuff stumbling out but they were nightmares about her and many other things in life. Unfortunately I was not the only one in the house having these vivid shocking dreams as John woke several times talking and having a hard time. I don't know what essence was in the house but it took us all for a ride. Why should one day hold such meaning. I miss her everyday why is this day so much different. Why should I miss her more this day. I thought about it long and hard today and I don't think it is me missing her more this day. I think it is about me replaying the day in my mind. Last night I touched my belly and thought 5 months ago was the last movement my daughter would make and the last time her heart would beat. I thought about regret and wishing I would have ran like crazy and demanded her birth. How would I have known. I know this is the logical thing. I thought about all morning how I was worried but blissfully unaware of the life change about to happen. I thought about all day what I would be doing at this time and who's heart I would be breaking at that time. One by one I felt like not only my heart was breaking but each person told the hurt and tears they shed. I thought about all the tears brought on that night. Maybe that is why god hasn't gave us rain since she was born because we lost so much water that night in tears. Silly I know I kind of smiled at that for some reason. Even right now she would be in my arms I would be holding her tight and looking her over. Watching her daddy completely fall in love with realizing how much I held him dearly in my heart and how my world would never be complete without him. That is my best memory is him rocking her with a soft loving smile on his face. He was in love. He was so perfect with her so many fathers would have been so scared or so unsure but he was NONE of those. He held her tight as if she was part of his body. He smiled as if she was smiling back. He loved her so much just as I did. I hope she was watching us. I hope she felt us love her and care for her tender body. I wonder which angel picked her up and took her to heaven. I wonder so much more things I know will never be answered and I have accepted that. There are still so many things left undone that I feel bad I have not gotten to but I am wondering if there is something deeper to why I haven't done them. Her baby book I need to fill out and her pregnancy book I need to finish. I need to organize all her baby DVD's from sono's and of course I still have not touched anything in her room. I know I keep saying I will. But life is still in that room. Like time is still. The room seems unmoving and I can almost pretend she is not gone when in there or at least sometimes feel closer. I can't get rid of any of her things and I know that is selfish of me as I am sure so many can help others. But I think if anyone were to touch or take something from that room I would scratch their eyes out to be overly truthful. I don't mind people in there because I am proud of the room but if someone tried to take something or misplace something I would lose it I know I would. I need that chapter open for now I think. Each task seems to close further on the chapter. I am not ready for that. I have to savor her a little longer in life. I think I need to get stronger. Its been 5 months. Seems like longer at times then at other times seems like yesterday. Pain is still daily and exhaustion daily but they are both a tolerable pain with time. Sometimes I feel like I wish I could just get away just for a moment I just need to breath a little like I can't get a full breath of air somehow. I think John and I and Dustin need to get away again we need to go to the coast or somewhere where I can feel a breeze and breath. Life is so complicated and overwhelming and I just need to breath. Happy 5 months my angel I wish you were still here with me. I wish all the things about your life were different. I wish you were focusing on holding your bottle and sitting up and giggling belly laughs at your daddy. I wish I was watching him hold you right now and rock you in your big blue fuzzy chair and smile because I would be hearing a secret song for you sang by him on the baby monitor that he wouldnt know I would be listening to. I wish you were here for us to love you so much as good parents do. I wish you were crying for your brother when he walked by you when he got home for school without kissing you first. I wish he was helping me give you a bath tonight and picking out your nightgown and helping us all kiss you to sleep. I wish so much.....

Dear lord. Please keep her safe and near you please let her grandparents rock her sweetly to sleep tonight. Please let them tell her how we love her and want her so badly. Please let her know she is missed daily and we will see her again someday in the far future. Please protect my small family and keep us safe. Please bless us with happy times and love in our family. Please lord help us choose and stay on the path that is best for our family. Please lord help us make the right choices to keep our family safe from harm and healthy. Please lord watch over us please give us strength in this battle of grief. Please lord keep our friends angels safe and sweet and know they are loved aswell.

I love you Delanie

living to smile again

Strength

2011-09-03T08:59:00.000-07:00

So true in life all the cliche sayings " only the strong survive " Why does it always seem to be a uphill battle. I feel like I am carring weight on me at all times and having to put on shows all the time. There are yes times when I feel well but then times when I am not well at all. I make sure to put on a good show cause I would never want to make anyone aware. Just know you never know what that person is going thru in life. I look at people all around me. I look at young girls walking and wondering what they have experianced in life. I drive my car upset about my day some guy cuts me off does he know I feel like my world is crumbling? Point being made is you just never know what that person is going thru. You in your busy life you think about yourself and what your world revolves. Of course its your life that is why. No one can really blame but shouldn't we have the heart to pause and think of others? Just thoughts in my battered head. I know there is good in this world I have seen it first hand. It just seems like everything is a battle. Shouldn't everyone just do the right thing and be a good person? I just wish some people could see the world in my eyes. I am so tired and so exhausted this life has turned into something else just feeling as though you are always emotionally and physically exhausted and spent. Something little can seem to break you brick wall because it's so freshly rebuilt. I usually can take hits from people I am tough I have a wall built and if you dish it I can dish it right back but I have no strength for that anymore and sometimes I just seem to crumble now when before I would rev back and fight back. Some little things bother me and make me lose sleep when I know they shouldn't matter. Life is stressful and I know changes need to be made just so exhuasted I can't think of which ones and which directions to go. So again I pray to god please lead me to the right paths I need to be on. Please watch over my family and keep us safe from harm and protect our tender hearts. Today I will be calm and be thankful for my loving husband and my sweet son and think of my sweet daughter as well. Thankful.

I know...

2011-08-31T19:36:00.000-07:00

I know I have been gone I know I haven't wrote. It's not from lack of feelings but rather lack of describing them at times. Tonight is harder as some are. They come and go these harder times then other. I count my blessings and remind myself that I am still very blessed. Sometimes its the simple things that you think about that make you wonder into the darker parts of your feelings and emotions. I wonder what I would be doing right now if she was here. I wonder how I would be feeling and if we would have adjusted to life as parents of two children. How we would be doing with another small child in the house after it has been so long. I wonder if she would be strong enough to try to sit up now or maybe budding a tooth. I think of these things all day long. Small things that people take for granted. I wonder if I would be in a horrid bad mood right now from lack of sleep because she would be nursing all night from a growth spurt or maybe her first cold. I wonder how she would look with her eyes full of amazement when she noticed her chubby feet and hands for the first time. I wonder...I wonder all day and night with pauses in between. Yes life is easier but the grief is always there and I know in my heart it will always be a weight to bare I know I am strong enough and will be strong enough just every now and then you want to sat that weight down and just remember what it was like not to carry it and remember the blissful moments from before. Before you saw the ugliness of a reality you wish on no one. Small things simple things will bring you there. Today we were at dinner we met John because he had a side job to do after work today. But he always needs and wants to see Dustin so we met for dinner quickly at a resturant. I watched them in wonderment how beautiful they both are and how much they both deeply mean to me. When we were leaving John kissed me and Dustin as he always does and told us how much he loves us as always. Routinely this is how we say goodbye and then we both get in but John comes back a second time to kiss us again always. Well this time he ran to his car and Dustin was so upset. Then just thinking about it I thought what a beautiful thing we have. We always kiss and love Dustin and he doesn't go a day without us telling him we love him about 10 times. We still tuck him in together in bed each night and we still have to hug and kiss him and put his blankets just right. We just love him so much and our worlds revolve around him. We tell him how special he is daily and how much we prayed for him and how he is a gift. I wonder if that is why he is such a wonderful heartfelt little boy. I think of how lucky we are to have someone to tuck in each night and say I love you too. I know many who don't even have that chance. But I so wish we could have given and done this all for Delanie too. She would have had such a blessed life and would have never gone a day without a hug, kiss or I love you from both of her loving parents. We deeply LOVE Dustin and I love looking at my husband and watching him watch Dustin with love and a proudful look just when Dustin is doing something so simple. I know I am blessed that there are not many fathers out there that are so perfect and so loving and I have one. I know it's rare. I know that there are many people that will never come close to a love like ours and comfort with eachother as we feel. And for that I know I am blessed. I know it's one in a million to have this all. So am I greedy for wanting a little more or really just sharing more. We have so much love to offer we really are good people and good parents.

Please god just don't let this be it for us. Please watch over us and help us choose the steps to the right paths we are meant to lead. Please light our way to where we need to be. Please forgive me for asking so much of you. Please know that I am thankful for my blessings and apologize for wanting more but know I need more and have more to offer. Please lord know my intentions are for the best and better in life. Keep my angel safe by your side and let her know that she is so loved and will forever be wanted and needed and to wait for mommy and daddy because we are saving her kisses, hugs and I love you's for her and when we get there we will be delivering them all hand in hand.

Maybe more...

2011-08-26T06:10:00.000-07:00

Coming a little later today I have so many posts I would like to get off my mind but my energy seems so low this morning emotionally and physically. I have been thinking alot over the past few days. I seem to think more in the car when I am on my way to and from work and I have been working the past few days. Just some updates for now. Dustin is doing well he had another blood drawl this week he was dxed with iron deficiancy anemia. He is on a nasty serum he doesn't like and a iron rich diet which he loves salads and things like that so not a big deal. My kiddo would choose salad over candy all day he is different I know! He is doing well in school so far I am so glad we did tutoring with him this summer it really has shown a huge difference in his knowledge but also his attitude and upbeatness towards school. His tutor has helped him really feel sure of himself and helped him know how special he is and really smart he is. So he is just more excited and really tries and doesn't get discouraged this year. He has a super cute teacher too so I think he has a little crush on her LOL My mother just went home she came for a visit which was nice while I had a few days off this past weekend. I am hoping to make it for mine and Dustin's lunch date at his school today a new whataburger opened up the street and he has been begging me to try it LOL like it would be any different then all the rest of them. I told him we would have a date at school and I would bring him lunch there. The only way I might not be able to make it is if the time warner guy comes to late to fix our internet and phone which has been acting crazy. Well love to all will write more later today and take some pictures =)

First Day of Second Grade =)

2011-08-22T07:24:00.000-07:00

Today was Dustin's first day of school for second grade! He did a really good job this morning although last night he had a harder time falling asleep I am sure due to being so excited to see all his friends. One of his old friends from last year is in his class too that he really likes so he was happy. I am just hoping he does well this year now that we have a summer of tutoring under our belt and maturity aswell. This morning I got up early and made pecan pancakes and got his morning meds ready and cloths and filled out all my paper work and wrote checks and got school meds ready! Mommy and daddy ate breakfast with Dustin like we do every year and we both walked him into class like every year =) Dustin did so well and read the instructions on the board and started about his tasks. I was so proud, I hope he does well today and all year for that matter. Now just to count the moments until he comes home and try not to cry all day! LOL

Big boy infront of the school

Cheesy boy

Turning in his meds to the nurse

Flag pole shot!

Showing his morning snack to the nurse I have no idea why LOL

My handsome 2nd grader

At his desk

Put your back pack up son =)

Untouchable

2011-08-19T21:10:00.000-07:00

So I have this feeling I can't quite describe when I was thinking of this blog and I have thought about this for awhile. There are so many angles and branches that it is hard to describe it all in one word or phrase or even detail because you say it one way and it makes since but it branches into another detail as well. I miss the blissfulness in life. The thought that you are untouchable. The knowing bad things happen in this world and how sorry you feel for those that it happens upon but knowing that it will never happen to you or anyone close. So I thought. I miss thinking that no matter what god would not let that happen or my grandmother lord rest her soul would always protect me...us. Not that I am saying I am in anyway forsaking my lord or any lines of that. Remember these are thoughts and feelings in my head. My bubble of bliss has popped and my eyes are open to the harsh reality of life grown up. I always thought I was "untouchable" in a way. So protected and special somewhat. Life was hard but it passed and we advanced slowly but surely. I never thought my storyline was so bad. Even with Dustin I was so surprised at how blessed we were and how special I was that god and my loved ones passed had protected and carried us through. Dustin was my saving grace in really believing in god and seeing the goodness of life. Then on the other hand I have been dealt the loss and sadness and the feeling of being unprotected and unrewarded for my efforts and hardwork and devotion. My daughter is gone. My bubble is popped to the harsh reality that we are the people we read about. The stories we stumble upon on the internet and say a prayer and shake our heads and say wow I couldn't imagine. We are that story. We were before Delanie with Dustin and so many other stories but I was blissfully unaware because with Dustin I never saw the raw heartache I was always in my blissful bubble that no matter what he would make it. He shined with everything wonderful and good. Then this other hand now. My sweet daughter. Now I find myself wondering about tomorrow and what it will bring. Could it bring another blissful bubble to be popped? Small to big things I ponder about. Will I get in a car accident tomorrow will someone I love? Will something happen? I know I have no control over these things but the reality is that these or anything could happen. I am not untouchable. I have alot of questions on the " rules and regulations" of god. No I am not forsaking him I love him and all that he is and I am faithful and thankful. But I am wondering if we are really on our own and no help is given it is just luck and if soemthing happens he comes to embrace us and take us home. So I find myself lost in prayers and wondering what exactly to pray for? Do I pray for another baby and a healthy pregnancy? Does he have control over that? With Delanie I prayed every night and all day pretty much on and off. I had detailed prayers and never forgot. Did that do any good? Does he really have control or a hand in the matter or is it just the luck of the drawl in some ways. I still pray I will continue to. These are just thoughts mind you that race in my head and leave me baffled with of course no answers and never will. I just feel awoken to reality like I never was before. I just always was blissful and had that "won't happen to me attitude" not arrogant about it though just never thought it. I thought with Delanie surely I had been thru enough trying to get pregnant with my kids and everything happenign with Dustin I would be blessed with a easy pregnancy I was wrong. Then going thru her pregnancy with a smile on my face and all the pain and hard work I put in surely I figured it would be enough to get my reward. Not saying that she wasn't a reward enough but you know what I mean. But that bubble popped. You work hard for a chance and I would do it again. Just for a chance. I am not untouchable I am real, I am not a special someone who is a saint and will get all I pray for in life. I am someone who has a chance. Be happy I have that I know. I know all the logic responses and angles. Just thoughts in my head remember I am letting you in. I know its a messy jumbled sometimes harmful place but I am trying to heal it and make it better the best I can.

My poor sweet son

2011-08-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

I feel like such a bad mother. We switched Dustin's lung medications back in May to help better control his lung issues so that he can play better and not be afraid to join in activities like he is now. I made a post a while back about how I was getting concerned about the circulation in his legs because he had weird red markings on his left upper thigh area that looked like stretch marks and posted a picture. We went and got them dopplered at the pedi's office to make sure blood flow was good because his pulse's in the left leg were weak as well. The doppler turned out well and the blood flow was good so we scratched that out and chalked it up to a larger weight gain and that they were stretch marks. Well they kept getting worse and he was having leg pain with them as well then he also had a splinter hemmorage in his left big toe. I started getting really concerned and googled all night until I stumbled upon a reason....I had been looking up his new medication Dulera and found nothing that seemed to be the answer but looking deeper I saw that Dulera was mixed with two medications. One of them being a steriod Asmanex. I looked up the side effects for it and found the skin thinning and stretch marks and among other serious side effects as well. I freaked out because Dustin could have many of these. I called the Pulmonologist this time and now we are working on ruling things out. We went today for them to look at him and the stretch marks are much worse and he has several spider viens in his legs as well that concerned me. I mean he is a 8 year old boy for goodness sakes. He weighs a hefty 62 pounds but is in no means over weight. They were concerned about the steriod use going outside his body and effecting other organs and such. They said they have had one case like Dustin before. They switched his medications up to a steriod that only activates in the lungs and a couple other ones. We are doing blood work in the morning that has to be done only in the AM so it was to late today. We will start ruling out things from there and seeing what damage has been done to other organs and what cortizol levels we are looking at. Really worried about what is a head but hopefully everything is fine levels will go down and no damage besides the skin will be permanent. Please keep him in your prayers that this all goes smooth and that changing the medication will be all that will fix it. I love him so much. I should have caught this earlier but I know we will be able to fix it now.

4 months...

2011-08-06T20:12:00.001-07:00

And I still miss you so much my angel....mommy loves you

Why won't you go away...

2011-08-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

Hard couple days but what days aren't hard in some way or another some worst then others some times just worse then others and some better. I have been so busy this week this is the first time I have really had some time to myself just a few minutes before I totally crash. Been working all my hours at work lately and then some. After work today, tired and hungry we went out to eat together came home and I was exhausted and sore and my body aching from hard work staring in the large mirror in my bathroom I was looking at my body and the small marks of redness around my incision. Yes still healing....why won't you just go away. Why are you still there reminding me. Heal already. There is the anger. But then I remember that this scar of mine introduced me to my wonderful daughter. I did get to see her and love her hold her in my arms. So not all bad. But those parts of you don't always make since and sometimes you just can't process the positive parts at that moment in time. Negatives in life always seem to creep up easier in everything and this is no different. You get almost angry at times wanting your body to just go back like it never happened. Although don't get me wrong I have no regrets. I never have and never will about my daughter. I would still choose her and I would still do it over with the same result. Sometimes that anger and rage comes out though you just don't want to look at the ugly reminder of the negative of the matter. The badness of losing someone so precious and perfect. Sometimes you just don't understand but I guess no one ever really ever will fully. I know I feel like I never will. There isn't a day or a moment that she doesn't always cross my mind. Each day it seems a chapter somewhat closes on her. She gets further away from me in some ways. She is a memory to many people. I am the person right now that just lost a baby but that title is fading. Life is ongoing. People stop saying they are sorry and stop looking at you funny and stop watching what they say infront of you. Life goes on. I thought about next year and how next year I won't be thought of at all as the mother who lost her child. I know this all doesn't make since to anyone. But it all adds up to life just going by and how I feel somewhat like I am standing still in time and sad at the same time that I am leaving the era of her grief in others eyes. If I look sad and am looking down thinking of her that won't come across their minds as the reason why. But it's her...it will always be her. I will never stop thinking about her it just won't stop nor do I want it to. I will keep her fresh and I will always picture her face and feel her skin next to me forever. My heart is still broken and that peice will be forever gone. Yes it will still function and yes I will live and yes I will still love and still breath again but that peice will always be missing and she will always be the one holding it. In her tiny arms tiny hands she holds that peice waiting for me one day. Until then...

Lost Little Angels

2011-08-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

This is a flyer I have made for our hospital that I am posting so I copied **and pasted it on here and added pictures for examples**

Lost Little Angels

Please take time to donate something for all the little lost angels that grow their wings to soon. Many times what is given at the hospital is all that the family has left after the loss of their baby and all their hard work, love and dreams. It is hard leaving the hospital with a box in your arms instead of the baby that you have hoped and yearned for so let’s try to help and make it as best as possible for them.

Things you can do to help and donate

Boxes – These are the main thing that we need. There are white photo boxes sold different places I have found some at Target for 3.99 that are plain white boxes that you can decorate for a memorial box for these mothers to put items in and take home as a gift. They are about the size of a shoe box. You can paint them to decorate or use wallpaper, ribbon, or other crafty ideas. You can choose a unisex type box or make a boy or girl box by color. There are also baby keep sake boxes sold everywhere that will work too. I have found some at Ross Dress For Less.

If you feel like filling the box also here is a list of things you can fill it with

· disposable camera
· small crosses or religious items such as poems or cards or little mementos
· picture frame
· jewelry for mother
· Butterfly’s are the national symbol for loss so any little items with them
· small stuffed dolls or animals that we can take pictures with the baby holding
· Any items for picture taking

You can also donate:

Plaster kits for feet and hands
Long stem white roses (fake) for the outside of the hospital doors
Headband with bows or flowers for the little girls and infant hats for both sexes
Cute socks
Memory books
Outfits and blankets

Please take the items or send to Downtown Baptist if you would like to honor Delanie Faye daughter of Holly Denton a nurse at downtown Baptist that grew her wings April 6^th 2011 as well as all the angels lost to soon. If you can’t do Downtown Baptist please take to your nearest hospital to help make this experience for any parents just a little better.

111. E Dallas Street, San Antonio, TX 78205

Care of Maria Sanchez women’s services 3B/3C (3^rd floor)

Or care of me Holly Denton

Box made for me for Delanie

All the momentos

Her hands

Forever able to touch her hands

Other boxes I bought that are marked keep sake boxes that work well

These were bought at ross dress for less

Today was eventful then uneventful

2011-08-02T15:03:00.000-07:00

So I noticed some lines on Dustin's left leg the other day they look more like stretch marks to me. They are on his upper left thigh only. Which in the past we have had vascular issues with the veins in that leg. Granted Dustin has had a 6 pound weight gain recently so it could be stretch marks as well but they happened so suddenly and it's not like he is chubby or over weight. So I made a appointment to take him to the doctor's office this morning at 9:00 am she did the exam and started to check his pulses in his legs and noticed the left side was weak and harder to palate but color is good and size is the same as the other one. So she said she would like us to have a venous doppler sono done to rule out the more nastier things. We wanted it done quickly to have results by today so we went to the Christa's Santa Rosa hospital close but then when we arrived they informed us that we would have to come back at 1pm so we were okay and we went home for a hour or two then came back. Well then they informed us they are "out of network" so only 50% would be covered so we would have to pay $250.00 up front. I called insurance and if I would go to a baptist facility it would be covered 100%. I called and scheduled it for the morning because Dustin also has a toothache and needed to see the dentist later that afternoon. So tomorrow we will know more on that. I have to say the service was horrible at Christa's so we will not be returning. We went to the dentist after and Dustin's two front teeth are about to pop! She said to let them wiggle and give tylenol for pain and they took xrays to make sure they were safe to let them come out on their own and they were. We did recieve great service there and Children's Dental Ark and Dustin was so happy to be there and they were so informative and understanding. We will definately stay with them for life =) So on to tomorrow to get more answers I am so exhausted and the days are so filled as today is also my niece's birthday and tomorrow is the other love of my life my best friend Kimmy's birthday so long eventful days! I CAN'T WAIT TO GO BACK TO WORK! AHHHHHH

Just so weird for them to be all so suddenly and pop up so fast this is his inner left thigh

A sign from my baby girl

2011-07-29T19:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was sitting on the porch by myself thinking of my baby and how I wished I was busy caring for her and all the things that go with it. I just am feeling cheated and a little down and I look up and find this in my view =)

My new candle

2011-07-29T15:26:00.000-07:00

Thinking of you my baby girl I had to have this when I saw it because it is so true I would still choose you...nothing would change you are forever my choice. I love you with all my heart and soul

regret is a ugly face

2011-07-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

Regret is something in grief where you know it will drag you down so you try to shut your eyes tightly and stay as far from it as possible. You try not to bring those thoughts up because there is only one outlet for them and its a bad one. The could have should haves are simple words but they are ones that are so hurtful and piercing because after those words come the words fault and blame follow which are even more dangerous. Regret is something I remember from Dustin's birth and blame followed it. I felt so bad for him laying there fighting for life and I wondered and should have could haved myself to depression but one thing that kept me up was my baby was still there and fighting for life. With Delanie's pregnancy I knew the sting of regret and I told myself that would never be me again. I would never take a chance. I followed orders to the dime and never cheated even though I severely wanted to. I stayed in bed for 13 weeks straight in a laying down position with 10 minute showers and only trips to the bathroom. The last two weeks rounding weeks 14 and 15 on bedrest I was allowed to get up and walk to the kitchen 3 times per day and sit up and it was heaven. I didn't want to look back with any regrets if she came early. Little did I know that wouldn't be the factor to take her from me. So I followed orders to the tee and figured SURELY after all this hardwork I would be rewarded with the baby of our families dreams. And not to say I wasn't rewarded because yes I did enjoy my time falling deeply inlove with my daughter and experiancing so much in pregnancy and feeling her move and looking at her face when she was born. But like other moms I would for once like to be wheelchaired out of the hospital with a baby in my arms and happiness. I thought about that wheel chairing one of my patients out I just wondered if she knew how many people were wishing and were cherishing the moment she was having and that she was taking for granted. I started on the regret yesterday again just small thoughts I won't let my mind loom all the way into them because I know it is dangerous ground. I thought of the night before she died and how I felt something was off and I kept telling John she felt weird and far away. She had hiccups but I felt them in a different place down low in my pelvic area instead of up high in my belly. Her hiccups reassured me that she was alright though. I looked up half a dozen things on baby center and google that night and all of them told me about baby engaging so you would feel them lower and that movement would be slowing because they were bigger and running out of room. I googled until I felt better. During all this my daughter needed me and she was running out of time. Time I could never get back. I know there is nothing I can do now. I am a smart person but looking back I could only wish. I had a dream last night I was pregnant again only when the movement and stopped and she died at 32 weeks in the dream I was 34 weeks and I beleive it was with her and the time before was just a scare. In the dream I was wearing a white maternity shirt. My mom was with me and we were at a fair parking lot of some sort. I noticed the baby wasn't moving much and then I felt the baby move but noticed it was weak. I started to panic and made John take me to the doctor. Well in the dream the doctor's office appeared in the parking lot like it happens weirdly in dreams so we walked in and I checked in. A man was being loud in the waiting room about how big his wife was and laughing about it because they were having twins a and b he kept saying and that his wife was as big as Schlitterbaun. He looked over to me as I was about to go to the bathroom and loudly said laughing look at her she isn't even showing. I looked down at my white shirt and my belly was missing my belly was flat. Then I said oh no they took her again in a bland tone as if again and again they were taking her and giving her back. I felt my heartrate racing and then I woke up to a beautiful much needed face of my son Dustin asking me for poptarts. I am glad I woke up and I am glad he woke me up as that dreams was weird and a hard place to be. Just thought I would share the weirdness of my mind. Wishing today was different and I was carting arounnd two kids to the park or to take brother and sister pictures or to shop for Delanie because like her brother she too was out growing everything. Wishing...

Today

2011-07-26T09:31:00.000-07:00

I want to fall into a sadness today but I won't today I choose to smile I choose to be happy for just a little while. I know my child is gone and I know I wish she was here but today just at least today I am going to choose to smile. I know things are looming over me but today I will put them aside. I will drive to the store in a little while and get her fresh flowers for the week. I will watch Dustin laugh and giggle and beg me for a toy at the store and I will enjoy it instead of wondering if I am spoiling him and all the parent thoughts that cross your mind on if you should say yes or no. I will just enjoy it. I will enjoy him being slow and me telling him to hurry up. I will enjoy him begging me for mc donalds on the way home. I will enjoy telling him to wash his hands and not use his shorts as a napkin. I will enjoy being a parent and be blessed that I have the chance. So today I will smile today I will enjoy what I have and miss what I have lost but be happy that it was mine to loose and that I had the chance. Praying for a better today and a stronger tomorrow

Smiling today

Change

2011-07-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

So still on this path of discovering what this new world of mine is about. I feel as though I am in a different country at times exploring new depths of the earth. But I am still at home still in the same place and time but a different person now. I have discovered change feels good in some ways. I was going to trade in the car that excited me but now I think we might keep it a few more years as we just can't decide on what to get right now. Change...I chopped all my hair off...yep you read right. LOL I chopped it off to my shoulders I was in one of my angry type of moods and just wanted it gone and off. Luckily I had a wonderful hair stylist I met that was SO good to me and made me forget all about my mood when I was there. Kimmy helped and watched Dustin for me so I could get my hair done and that was nice no rush or anything. I had wanted to get my hair done before but never wanted to make Dustin wait for me. Constantly striving for change. I don't know why but each thing helps and makes me feel better. We layed sod on the yard today only got about half of it done but it felt good. Yard is looking better and it really makes me feel better and happier. We had a great family day playing in the yard and just being with eachother. John's parents came for lunch and we went to the nursery and they bought us a beautiful Zinna plant for the garden =) I am inlove with it.

Hard path

2011-07-20T07:07:00.000-07:00

I have a co-worker at work that I am thinking of today. His grief is different then mine, he lost his father. He recently came back to work and I look at him and know the silent suffering he is feeling. I know the mixed feelings of despair, sadness,sorrow and akwardness. I know the path he is taking it is the same path even though people are put on it for different reasons. I know the hard path he is about to take and I wish I could warn him about the twists and turns and the rollercoaster of emotions that he will go thru. I wish I could tell him that the path has a end but it doesn't it just gets brighter and easier to walk thru as you go. It starts off dark and hard but gets easier to travel with time but nonetheless you are always traveling on it. I know right now he is getting reborn in away. When you experaince grief like that you are reborn to a new world in ways like you have never imagined sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse it really depends on you and your outlook and your support system is very crucial. I know the stages and they are all to true course I don't believe the order of things because to me it bounces you around to each stage at random times. You never know waking up from one day to the next exactly how you will be that day or time. I wish I could give him a energy boost because I know its going to be so exhausting and it will beat him hard but you just can't let it win and take over. Grief is like cancer you can lay down and let it consume you and take you over or you can stand up and fight it and try to win back your life. It's a battle no one can take on by themselves as you need people to cheer you on and lift you up. I know how blessed I am on how many people reached out and stood by my side. Some people I have never even met before or maybe haven't spoken to since high school days have stood up and helped me fight and helped me thru the "make your bed days". I can only pray for everyone who walks this path of grief a powerful support system like that. The weeks after Delanie died I had so many people contact me some I have never met that touched me. I can only pray for that for him or anyone else suffering deeply that people stand by them in their time of need even if they don't know what they need at that exact time just to be there if they do means so much. Even just a whisper of a prayer helps even though we don't know it at the time your whispering it, we feel and need it.

Garden updates

2011-07-17T19:40:00.000-07:00

Been a while since I had a garden update. I will post a few pictures =)

My sweet baby boy =) He makes my heart so happy

Dustin Tyler

Her tree has grown over a foot! We are so happy with it

This is our next garden we are ripping out it was all bushes with no color we are taking them all out and making a rose garden

Bushes we have already tore out

John's father's day gift from his parents its very peaceful I love sitting on the porch and listening to it

Garden friends =)

See the hanging baskets, John put mounts up there to let them hang off the roof he did such a good job

Better view

My new plants I got today John surprised me and brought them home

A new plant John got me today too!

And the third one he got me so happy

Another assignment

2011-07-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

I realize in life as we know we aren't given tomorrow all the time that we need to treasure today. I always don't want to drag out the camera and take pictures then download them it sometimes can be a pain. But what if I don't take them and I need them at a later time. I already feel like Dustin is growing way to fast and I always say in my head I will never forget him this small or how he feels at this or that time. But in truth our memories fade and pictures help bring them back to color. I don't take as many as I use to. For those of you who knew me back in the day I use to take about 30-50 pictures a day of Dustin just because I treasured him so much and I thought he was the world's most precious item and anything he did was front page news worthy. This is harsh but why is it I no longer feel that way? Am I starting to take him for granted because he is so healthy? It could be because I am so comfortable as well. But I need to capture these moments so for that I am going to start taking many more pictures on my days off and not just on my phone like I often do for facebook. I need to start taking more and printing them out and putting them around the house and filling my house with love and what I enjoy....my family. So take some pictures of your heart aka family and savor the moments today but tuck away little reminders for the years to come in photos. You know that one special picture some of you may have of your childhood of maybe you with your parents or brother or sister? What if we miss that photo for our kids today? Or even a special pet furbaby that you might not have 5 years from now but when you see that picture it makes your heart flood with love? Love today because tomorrow is not always given xoxo

I know

2011-07-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

I know the past few days I have not written. Sometimes I feel badly because it seems I write the same things over and over. The early part of this week was harder times and it seemed as if things were getting worse all over again. I worked Thursday and Friday which really kept me busy and wore me out completely I don't even know how I am still awake at the moment. In fact I might be dreaming! But nonetheless things have been weighing heavy on our minds. We still seem like we are cleaning up and rebuilding like ground zero. You know another anaology kinda thing. Ground Zero totally taken out but you are able to clean up and rebuild and get back to life but it's never the same. That is how we are cleaning up and rebuilding but we will never be the same. I am feeling like progress was moving to slow on the gardens like we were at a stand still again and I want to keep moving. So John being the wonderful understanding husband sensed that from me and started ripping up another garden I wanted changed and we will work on it more tomorrow. I will take some more pictures of different things this weekend. We have added so many new flowers and I am wanting to add more this weekend. I am trying to pay close attention to butterfly attracting plants. When I asked the questions to people on my earlier post many people replied and yes it was VERY healing. I read each answer and really appreciate it. It helps my brain and heart and its like hearing little stories about that day and other points of view. I know I wasn't alone in grief that day. I really am wanting to save them all and print them out because I think over the years I will prolly reread them to feel closer. I need to work on alot of her things so hopefully this weekend I will be able to get some more done on her books and things. Wish us luck and productivity this weekend xoxoxo about to fall asleep from exhaustion, more to come later xo

So many feelings and question for you to answer

2011-07-10T19:54:00.000-07:00

Today has been hard on feelings mixed with a lot of emotions that are hard to understand. The road of grief is so long and so tiring. It looks like just a road when you look at it but when you travel down it you start to see the journey. Just like me when you look at me I am just a person but when you read my feelings you see the journey and the battle going on inside me. On the outside I am normal and try to be funny and try to be normal and whole looking. But on the inside I am broken and hurting and wanting to cry out in the pain. Not to say this is me all the time there are good times and bad just like going back to the road there are bumpy parts and then there are smooth parts it's all part of the journey ahead. But at least I am moving forward, I hope anyways. The things that bother or trigger you are some that you would never think of, last night I was at cracker barrel enjoying time with my sister, brother in law and mother and son. When I was looking around my heart sank when I looked at some white pretty heart shaped plates meant to hang on a wall. They were perfect for her room. Part of me forgetting that she was gone eagerly walked over to them and started to pick them up because they were so perfect for her room in every way. I had hardly anything on her walls because I wanted everything to be so perfect and I was always searching for things that were special and here it was but then the reality hit me and I remembered that the room was just a room now and there was no baby coming to it and that I had lost her and wasn't pregnant anymore. It all hit me at once. Just like that normal to grief in 0.0 seconds. It's amazing how your mind can do that. How when you are groggy in the morning and are in the middle of sleep and awakeness and feel down to your belly only to find it is missing. It still happens. Sometimes a blessing then sometimes a reminder. Life is hard right now hopefully better soon. I know it comes in waves it goes up then down and you just have to wait for the next one to pass. I know it isn't going to stop and I know I am strong just sometimes I can't be strong all the time. Sometimes I am weak and I try not to be sometimes I let the grief pour in and sometimes I fight to keep it at bay. I try to stop myself from talking about her all the time but lately it is all I ever think about. I think about now what was everyone else doing when she died and what did they think when they heard the news and what did they do. I want to know so if you read this please tell me. Where were you and how did you find out and what did you think and the effect she has had on you. Please respond here or on facebook or email. hollypreemiemom@aol.com I think of the Allen Jackson song where were you when the world stopped turning I know it was about September 11th but in my mind it plays because my world stopped turning that day. I just wonder all the time what people were doing and what their reactions were. I had a friend who's daughter passed away she I don't think will ever know how much it really effected me. I went into a depression not just because of it but it totally pushed me over then I went to get help with medication and then my life changed for the better and I really think it was all because of her daughter. I a few months later I finally had the guts to sign up for college and went to nursing school. I have no idea why her death meant so much to me to change for the better. Prolly because she was such a beautiful girl with a wonderful spirit and a huge heart. I kept thinking of how their family just didn't deserve to lose her. But what family does. I think that about Delanie to. We deserved to have her. I worked so hard for her just as that mother my friend had worked for her daughter. Life has a way to twist and turn and it never seems to work the way you expect it to. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. So please answer my question I may save them. But I want to know. Where were you when my world stopped turning? How did it effect you? How did you find out? How did you feel?

Happy 3 months my princess

2011-07-06T20:46:00.000-07:00

Yes another count down date I have been really pondering this one. When I was pregnant with Delanie John and I both decided I would be taking 12 weeks off of work when she was born so that I could enjoy her deeply since I had worked so hard to bring her into this world it would be my reward to cherish my child a little longer before entering back into the world as a working mother once again also would help build a hearty milk supply for my little one. So today my little girl would have been 3 months old I would be sad because I would be returning back to work this week and fighting tears back and dropping her off with her very excited loving grandma. I would know she was in the best of hands with her grandma but would cry driving away the first few days. How I wish this is how the story went. I wish I was crying those tears of breaking away from my baby for the first time and calling every hour to ask how she was doing without her mother next to her. But there is no one to call and no returning to her today. It's a sad reality but true. Today we were searching for a new car as I really wanted to keep busy all day so it helped and we wanted to take advantage of the newer lower interest rates as our older car has a higher interest rate. One of the car salesman asked John and pointed as our son and asked is he your only? John quickly said yes and my heart broke. I know that was the best answer for that situation and time. But it still hurts because we have one more. She just can't be seen or heard only felt. I wanted to scream out to the man no wait we have to change the answer! We have one more! Her name is Delanie and she is a angel! Please please don't forget her. But I know like I said that was the right answer for that situation and time and person. They don't want to know about it nor would they care anyways. Just thoughts and issues screaming thru my mind more then likely a little more sensitive and reactive from the date and time. I am sure tomorrow will bring a different view and a different light of things. Not all is bad in this world this I know I have learned so much from Delanie's birth and passing about people and that there is good and bad in the world and different ways to view it. I feel sometimes I have some super power to see people in a different light now. Like when grief hits you that hard it awakes a inner person in you that you have never met or even knew existed. You are forever changed and in some ways for the better. I laugh sometimes because I picture it like neo in the matrix. The world is different around you and you are more aware of the sensitivities of it and the inner peace that is so easily broken. The grief takes away the nieveness that you had before the reading of stories and never thinking it could be you. Then the shattering break thru that now you are the story and its happening to you even though you never thought it possible. It's possible. You are never better then anyone else it can happen to you so be thankful for everything and every chance you get in life cherish it deeply and be happy for the everyday life that you live. Tell the ones you love how you feel because like many say you are not promised tomorrow so live today. I know everyday I am thankful truly thankful for all the wonderful friends and family I have and the outreach of support from people for the loss of Delanie. Some of whom I have never even met but love deeply. People who would give everything they could just to make us smile. I know you are out there and I know you care and for that I love you and carry on each day knowing there is goodness out there and care and love. That is what makes me smile and that is what gives me strength and courage to keep fighting the battle of life and to keep striving for the better. Even though I keep getting knocked down I will keep getting up and I will keep fighting because I am strong and won't be beat I will fight for the love and family and life we deserve. We have so much to give. Thank you.

Ouch that hurts...

2011-07-05T08:04:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I offered to work the fourth of July since it's holiday pay and we could really use the extra money and John had to work anyways so what is a holiday without your husband anyways? I was super tired but when I got there we were super busy but it later calmed more. For those of you who don't know me personally I am a postpartum couplet care nurse. I was sitting down eating lunch somewhat happy in my little mind chatting with my friends. I saw a nurse that came to help us from another hospital in our NICU unit and the last time I had saw her she was pregnant and that was about 2 years ago so I thought I would be nice and ask her about her child. She went on to say which one? She then told me laughing that she was pregnant just about every year and laughed. It was sad for me inside I wish I could say that. She went on and said she had just had another baby. I told her congratulations but on the inside feeling uneasy. I am always happy for others and it is true happiness not fake at all a little jealous at time of the ease of there happiness but very happy for them. She went on to say she had her third little boy in April. My heart sank. Then the final blow she told me April 6th.....Then she told me she had her son at the same hospital I was with the same group of doctors. It really hurt because I have a video type brain so when someone tells me a story or statement I play it out in my head. She was also in the room next to me. So I pictured me in a room holding my daughter trying to focus on saying goodbye. Then her in the next room giving birth to her lively beautiful son focusing on saying hello and wondering what she got her self into with another child so close. I would love to be in her shoes to have a house full of screaming children and diapers to be changed and laundry pilling up. I know its not her fault and I know she loves and takes care of her 3 boys and she is a good person. I told her I had a daughter and the time she was brought into this world but I did not have the heart or courage to tell her the rest. She happily bounced off as she finished her lunch and I sat in shock at the table for a few minutes imagining what her day of April 6th was like and what we were both doing at the same times in a room apart. I thought about the moments in time that we are so blissfully unaware of like right now a mother is being told somewhere in the world that her baby has no heartbeat or right now there is a baby a beautiful baby being brought into this world in a silent room with a mother feverishly praying for a sign of life from her newborn child. I thought and pictured everything the whole days events and the happiness in the next room verses the sadness and crushing in my room. Those first feelings were so hurtful and so shocking the pure thought of someone ripping your heart off and stomping on it would be a slight look into them. I could go over all my feelings of that day but I would be writing on here forever and they are all things I have slowly posted prior. There is no true way of words to describe the aching pain of losing a part of you and the ground shattering reality of seeing your much hoped for baby lifeless but perfect with nothing wrong with her just no heartbeat. It's just crazy these feelings of grief. I always say time is like pain medication it soothes the pain so that you can do your daily tasks and live but it never takes away the source of the pain it can only mask it.

Kitty Kitty

2011-07-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

Here is a picture of our sweet new kitty we are not sure on the name yet but we are thinking of Lacie right now =)

New life..saved life

2011-07-03T19:42:00.000-07:00

So we rescued a small little siamese from death row =) It felt good to give life to something and be able to but looking back on all the faces I could not save hurt badly. Our attention after leaving quickly turned to the personality and beauty of our new addition and the wonders she would bring to the family and how our 11 month old kitty would like her. It turned out well and she has made her self right at home and is extremely loveable and smart =) Our other cat Lulu isn't fond of her really but I am sure with time they will be buddies and playmates. I think it will help keep me even more busy and keep my mind going as Delanie's 3 month mark is rounding the corner. The constant wonder is always there the hurt is always there. I wonder at each month what she would be like and what her little faces would be. It's hard to watch Dustin sleeping because he looks alot like her dreaming there peacefully. Still haven't touched her room but I know it will happen shortly. I keep thinking someone will want to see it and I need to wait for them to view it just not sure who that is besides Delanie and Dustin's brother or sister. I have to work tomorrow it has been going well. We have been extremely busy. So many babies coming into this world. We have had several fetal demises in the past few weeks as well. I am trying to change many things at work to better serve any mother who has to leave the hospital with a broken heart and empty arms. I swear I will change it for the better just gaining energy and ideas and supplies. When I get it done I will be asking for help on certain things so stay posted if you would be interested! I have a flyer almost completed just need someone else to proof it for me and add pictures =) See what the next few months holds for us <3

Hmm..

2011-06-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

Trying to procrastinate and put off doing what I need to do in Delanie's room but I know sometime I have to do it. I need to put cloths away and white items and put sheets over the furniture. I keep making excuses on why I can't or shouldn't do it but I will regret it later if I don't and something happens to the items. Time is still in that room and when I go in there I can imagine it just as that....still. I know the putting away the room will move forward. I always think of it as putting the dream to sleep just for awhile. Then it will feel so good to remove the sheets and wash the clothes and put them in the little drawers and play in that room once again. I think today won't be that day though. Just doesn't feel just right. Might do a little but not to much. I just want to linger a little longer and enjoy the still of the room. I have been cleaning all day just staying busy. Might have some friends come over in a little while and see if they want to have lunch. Keep everything busy. So much stressful times are going on. Sometimes I hate being a "grown up". I finally talked to the HR lady at work yesterday after weeks of her not returning my phone calls. I will have to pay back about 2200 dollars of my benefits money that was not being taken out of my paychecks when I was off work for Delanie's pregnancy. I want to get it paid off as soon as possible cause like the other bills of her birth it is a hurtful reminder. I have to pay the price and not get the reward which just plain...sucks. No other way to really express it. But nonetheless John and I always make it thru anything. No matter what is thrown at us we will hold on tight and get thru it we always do. Stressful times come and go there is always someone else that is worse off. Count your small blessings to get thru the day and face the sun and make your bed and be thankful god gave you air to breath today.

akward?

2011-06-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

This week has not been difficult per say but maybe more akward. I have been thinking about the blog alot too and so sorry all my posts seem to be Delanie directed and on a sad note. I just write what I feel alot and that is still so heavy on my mind. Just remember that these are my thoughts my outlet in a way and a journal of sorts for now that I just welcome you into. I also want to start posting about everyday life and Dustin and family. I am really hoping this blog cheers up with better tomorrows soon. People always comment to me about my blogs saying they like the writing but to tell you the truth I never pay attention to the writing. I write what I feel and I never re read the blog once I hit post. So I really forget what I post most of the times. Now back to this week! Work has been harder on the body just getting myself up to my old stamina. After being in bed for 15 weeks on strict bedrest never cheating at all. Then to top it off having a repeat c-section to deliver Delanie. My body has just been put thru alot. But I do think it is recovering nicely and it hasn't failed me just been a little tired and sore more then I would have been in the past. I figure the more I work the less that will feel. Emotionally work has been good not to bad. I love talking to my friends at work about Delanie and they are all handling it well with me. Alot of people ask to see her pictures and I show them. I wish I had more to show them. But again being in the moment of holding your daughter in your arms for the first in last time in life you never think of the pictures or items you would like to do before you say goodbye. You never can really grasp that what you get is it and that is all. Some co-workers I am still seeing for the first time and that is always nice to see them again. Some don't know I have lost Delanie and are surprised and shocked of course. I have so many cases of patients asking me how many children I have and I never really know what to say to that question. I just judge it by the moment and by the patient or person asking. I wish that question didn't have to be so hard to answer you would think by saying that question out loud it would never be hard to answer. But truly it haunts me. And you can't blame them. I think of the times before I was entered into the new world of grief that I asked a person that. I never recieved a bad answer or shocking one but I wonder if that was because like me to some of my patients they were trying to protect me from shame or embarassment. I have started many new projects that I will later discuss on the blog and I hope everyone gets excited for them too. I hope life will be uplifting from here. I hope most of our sadness is behind us and that our family experiances happiness for the next years. We have been thru so much but we are still very blessed. I hope that some of the hurt starts to feel better as the everyday reminders that there should be a 4th to your family. That everytime we sit down at a resturant there is a empty chair for our small family of three. I know we are still blessed that we at least have Dustin because I know there are others that have not been blessed to carry to children and would even love to have carried a angel as sweet as Delanie. I know many people who would sign up for that right away. But it still hurts when it is happening to you and your weak heart. The other day we were eating and I saw one of Delanie's dresses on a older littler girl about 2. She looked so sweet in it and kept pulling it up and showing her angry mom her belly. I tried to remember Delanie's belly and thought about the mother sitting there with the angry look on her face. Knowing in my heart I would love to be in her spot kissing and blowing rasberries on her little belly and soaking up every minute of her laughter and smell and warmth. But you can't blame the mother she doesn't know what a precious gift she has there. You get caught up in everyday life and exhaustion of being a mother and forget about the small blessings that you have everyday until they are taken away from you or not given at all. I am happy she doesn't know that pain. Then I wondered looking around the resturant how many other women or men might be watching thinking the same thing or a different thing depending on their story. No one knew I was sitting there thinking that and I am just one person. There were about 100 there so there had to be someone else watching and thinking or wishing something simular. Grief families it's like a whole new world of people seeing things with special powers that others do not and are blind to because they have not seen the massive grief of holding their child for the last time. In some ways a blessing to see this world different for its true colors but in some other ways you would rather be blissfully ignorant and complaining about trivial things in life. Like fighting with your husband over who changes the next diaper. I think me and John would both be huddled over loving that job right now. I can think of many others as well in my head as I think of them often, mothers and fathers of loss that I have spoken with and shared with. So many and to many in this world.

life experainces...

2011-06-22T20:03:00.000-07:00

So today I was back in couplet care taking care of the mother and babies and a few gyn patients. I had one mother without giving names that had given birth to a 23 weeker that was holding strong. I consoled her and loved on her all day trying to reassure her with my previous experiance with Dustin being a micro-preemie as her daughter is and all the up's and down's of the experiance and things to expect and what nots. Long in depth conversations and pep talks took place all day. Then the baby started doing very poorly and she wanted to talk about death of a baby and I shared with her my experaince on that hand as well but didn't go into strong details. I just informed her about life after the loss of a baby and that she would be stronger in many ways but never the same and the emotions that came with that experiance as well. Luckily yes the baby pulled thru and ended up doing much better by that evening thank goodness. I just looked at my patient as she was sleeping and prayed that at her young age she wouldn't feel the pain of loss like I had. I knew how much she would be going thru with just a preemie and to add a loss would be horrible for someone at such a young age. I just never wish this pain on anyone preemie and a neonate death. Both are painful but make you so much stronger after going thru them. I remember the pain of watching Dustin suffer and the roller coaster ride of his up's and down's. I know he taught me so much and I learned so much about appreication. I remember celebrating milestone other' s would quickly take for granted. I remember crying standing there in his little room when I heard his first cry at almost 3 months old. I remember the wonderful feeling of hearing the raspy soft cry and how blessed I was to hear it. I remember the feeling of each pound mark. I remember when he first opened his eyes after a few days of them being fused shut still. There are so many wonderful milestones each seeming to feel better then the next. I in a way always felt so priviledged to be invited to watch my child grow from the outside. I thought I had learned the hardest lesson in life from my child. But I really think my next child taught me even more. I keep learning all these hard life experainces thru my children both of the experainces difficult. Not beleiving I got both of them in life. We have been thru so much and I never really realized that I guess looking from the inside of the storm you don't realize how bad it looks or seems from the outside. I just can't beleive how hard we have had to work for our children with one barely surviving and one that was lost. If I told people the story of my children people would prolly think Dustin would have been the one to be lost because of him being only a pound and so early. But it was the bigger stronger in gestation wise child that lost her life. Life is so weird at times and my mind seems to be racing about it tonight. Wondering in all directions about the cruel fate and twists and turns of life. I am not per say HAPPY about the life lessons we have been dealt but I do feel wiser from them. I do feel like I can bring alot to the table to help others. I do feel like I am different then normal people. I do feel I don't see the world as others anymore. Almost like a special power to feel things for as they are and not what they seem? I am almost scared to see what else life will have in store for me child wise. Hopefully my lessons are done and god will lead me to my first blissful experaince. I really hope so. I don't want to put my family thru anymore hurt or pain. I really want everyone to be happy and I really want Dustin to not tell me he is lonely anymore or ask the question why everyone else has a brother or sister except him. Let's go for a little less wiser lord and go for the blissfully naive please! I wish I never knew all this existed but in a way glad for others that I do so that I can help them. Oh lord what do you have in store for me....

My baby's room

2011-06-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

Spent some time in her room this evening took some pictures of her room. It's really peaceful in there and I find myself there often. I will start packing some items in the pink rubbermaid tub up in time. Just to keep them clean. Put sheets over the furniture. I feel like I am putting the room to sleep for a while. Like I am tucking it in for bed.

Her sweet room

All Her stuff pretty much stored in the closet now

Dustin's big brother book we bought him

Her Diapers I had put out a couple days before

Empty crib now but not forever

Monday

2011-06-20T11:35:00.000-07:00

Father's day went good we kept as busy as possible to help. John misses his daughter I know that all to well. I hope as each holiday and event happens it doesn't always hurt as bad. I got put oncall today I was suppose to work but it is nice to relax for a day and be with Dustin. I am thinking on Delanie's room and I really need to do some things in there. I have been putting it off because I just want it to stay as it was, waiting for our daughter. But the room will have to keep waiting for longer so I need to help put away things just clothes and white colored items to help from them not getting dust on them. I think I will take pictures of the room. I don't think I have put actual room pictures on here. I will try to do that later today.

Fathers day

2011-06-18T21:57:00.000-07:00

Tired and worn from work today and just working around the house too. Body is sore and sleep is so needed for my weary mind. I know tomorrow is father's day I don't think it is bothering John to much I hope he just focuses on Dustin and his father and mine. I hope that tomorrow runs smoothly and everyone has a good and blessed day. I am praying he has a good day because he so deserves it. I couldn't ever think of a more wonderful father and and I feel blessed that I made him one. Who would have ever thought crazy John (in his younger days) would be the wonderful man he is today. He is a wonderful father to both our children. I still picture his face smiling with Delanie in his arms rocking her gently back and forth with ease. He was so comfortable with her like she was just part of him. Which I know she is. But just the sheer comfort in his face and body language. Then I picture him holding his sweet son and I remember him changing and bathing this tiny little 1 pound baby with some fear but love in his face. I am always searching his face for all his emotions in all the events in our lives. I always seem to remember it like small photos stuck forever in my brain and heart. One huge blessing to remember tonight is I have a wonderful healthy husband who loves me and our children dearly and would do anything for us. I know not everyone has a husband like mine or maybe no husband at all or lover or partner in life. For that I am greatful and I know I am blessed and I wish that blessing for everyone in life. That they have someone to walk thru life with. Someone they deserve and will make them happy. That is my wish tonight and John is my thankful blessing of the night =) There is so much to blog about that is going on and I will further update at a later time on some exciting things going on in this house =)

Answer...

2011-06-17T10:03:00.000-07:00

So now that I am back amongst the "real" world and working and doing things. There is one question I am haggled with a lot that people meeting me or that I am taking care of in the hospital ask...How many children do you have? My heart breaks when I hear it because I am coming up with a action plan on how to handle the situation right then and there. Most of the time it is my patients that ask the question. So I am stuck with telling them 2 and then them further asking how old they are and what their names are. Or I tell them one and give them Dustin's information after so that they don't feel badly when I tell them one of them is not with me anymore. I don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel bad that my daughter is a angel. So hard place to be in. But you don't want to betray in a way or want anyone to forget you have a daughter too. I think I will just have to take a feel on every situation and judge them each. As far as patients especially right now with them all being in my "birth" month as Delanies. I never want to cause them anxiety or fear for their own child. I want them to stay in the bubble that the world is perfect and nothing can happen to their baby. I remind my self that this day which ever day I am working is about them and their baby and their special experiance and I try to make it the best for them and telling them the truth about my baby might ruin that. So I have been nodding and saying causally I have a little boy playing video games right now or something to that nature kind of not truly answering the question but skirting around it so that I am not lieing about my daughter. I try just not to answer with a number but a cute or funny line about Dustin. I wish everyone in this world could stay in the blissful bubble and never be touched by loss or grief. I wish only the best even for my worst enemy I would wish them the bubble of bliss.

Hard day

2011-06-14T16:19:00.000-07:00

There is no reason why and no warning to a hard day emotionally at times. Just today really sucks. Yesterday was no pie either so I am guessing it is just a build up of events and the whole returning back to work. I know it is for the best for me to be back there and happy to have my friends back and life is better with them in it. But no matter where no matter what it is a task is still a task. Sometimes I think grief is like walking around carring a extra hundred pounds on your back and it is exhausting getting thru things. Now don't get me wrong it isn't always so hard and there are many good times and there are times that are easier to breath then others but then there are times and days where you fake smile a little more and trying to come up with small talk takes a little more out of you. No I don't need anyone to call me right now and no there is nothing anyone can do. It is just a wave that needs to pass like all the others. I am angry and tired and the battle is never going to have a end just peace inbetween blows. I think alot of it is also father's day coming up. It hurts just like mother's day because all the hopes and dreams I had for John finally being able to experiance being a father to a adorable little girl. Which yes I know he is one to a adorable angel but one that he could hold hands and love on Father's day. One I would make a little foot imprint on his card for her signature. Life just sucks today my friend that is the only way I can truly sum it up....

Make the bed

2011-06-14T06:28:00.000-07:00

For some of you that know me I always say sometimes that it is a make the bed kind of day. So what does that exactly mean? I make the bed and try to stay out of it on those hard days. They can come out of no where and take you down fast and if you climb into bed it will be worse even though you think it will make it better. Take a deep breath and make your bed because you are less likely to climb back in it. Don't give up this day to your bed. Give it to the sun as I say sometimes facing the sun. All my little sayings make since in my head and in my healing so they might sound wacky to you reading them but they all are for a reason. Just thought I would clue everyone in on my madness! And it is one of those days not sure why but life seems harder today but I know it could pass in the next hour to be totally fine just got to remember to keep breathing and keep living and striving for the better. So make those beds and face the sun today you will make it....

Poor Baby

2011-06-13T16:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I never post things that go on throughout the day that bother me or just maybe noted in my brain. Today Dustin and I were cuddling in bed because I have just been so tired all day. Dustin looked at me and said mom when am I going to not be lonely anymore....(heart silently breaking) I said Dustin what do you mean mommy and daddy are here. ( I knew what he meant) He said its not fair that he just has cousins and no brother or sisters. I told him how sorry I was and that mommy and daddy were trying but children born to us are special and hard to get. I told him I am sorry Delanie had a accident and if she hadn't then he would have had one live sister. I apologized over and over and told him how sorry we were and that mommy and daddy were not going to give up and we loved him and just sweet babies just like him were very hard to find and come by and god had to approve his birth because he was so special. He smiled and we talked a bit more and then I got him interested in video games. Times like that are hard but I know they are needed. I will never turn down a question or concern of his and always want him to know that it's okay to talk to us about anything. Either it being his sister or other subjects later in life. I just love him so much and wish I could give him what he really wants and I know needs. Poor kiddo xoxo Will take him to the park and out and about tomorrow that will prolly help his mind. Though tonight he seems fine and asked to help water the yard later. =)

Life...

2011-06-13T13:40:00.000-07:00

Life seems to be so fast pasted this last week of returning back to work. Work has been good and paced to keep the mind busy. That is not to say there are not moments that take my breath away and make me think I need to push on through them. I always do that before a hard task stop take a breath and then somewhat just jump for it. Like with my c-section being scared and starting to get caught up in the energy of the surgical suite the anxiety started to creep up and you just take a hard swallow and just say go through it. Just go through it, it will be over soon and needs to be done. Just do it. Everytime I make it out okay. I have had some of those moments this week at work. Hard swallows and deep breaths and fake smiles. I think if they realized any pain I was in they might fall apart and then that would be worse for me because if I see anyone fall apart or have a hard time in front of me I automatically go into nurse and mommy mode and want to comfort them. So I push on and give fake smiles when needed. Don't get me wrong there are many moments where laughter is going on and joking and it is almost a relief to numb the pain for a while. It's not a constant pain anymore but still comes in waves. Like I said posts earlier time is like pain medication. Numbs the pain but doesn't fix the source or cause of the pain. Just helps you get thru the day and life. That is me a chronic pain sufferer for life. I will always yearn for something I will never have until my eyes close for the last time. But the long wait for that will be worth it totally as she is. Life seems to be moving so much faster now I feel like if I were to stand in one spot and watch I could watch it almost past by in a fast forward manner like some music video on MTV. Crazy right? We went to the ranch this weekend relaxed and played and went swimming it was really nice to get away from reality once again and pretend that things were perfect in this world. To watch Dustin trying to swim to watch him and his dad hold hands and fight over food. That is my paradise. They are my world and I make sure that in the grief of things I know that I am blessed I know I have been given more then others still. I know I am thankful for all my blessings even the daughter I lost. I see other mothers who had still births at early gestations and think of all the things they lost out on. I am thankful god gave me longer time with her to feel her grow and watch her grow and get to know her little feisty personality. So I am lucky. Hopefully life will slow a little more over the next few weeks hopefully the deep breaths and just go through its will get to be less frequent. Hopefully I will have much more time to blog. This weekend I just took off for me. Just breathed just loved and just tried to live. It was nice. For those of you wondering this blog will keep continuing hopefully through happiness and more of life. Hopefully one day we will be blessed again and this blog will be full of belly pictures and videos of beating hearts again. Until then we will just breath and live life as a family of 3 with one angel watching and waiting =)

just keep swimming....

2011-06-10T03:26:00.000-07:00

Work has been good. Has its trials every now and then but overall good. I missed my friends and missed my work and love for caring for patients and their babies. None of those babies make me sad. I am happy they are there. None of them are mine and can't take away the pain or even make it feel better so that isn't a issue. The baby I want is not there she is in heaven so there is no searching or aching when I see one. It has been a pretty good week. I am getting ready to head in for my third and last day for this week and will be off to recoop for the weekend with my loving family. Really tired as sleep has not come easy for awhile now. I have no idea why nightmares come in go in waves you can go so long without them and then BAM they hit you again. So I am waiting for the next wave when they leave so hopefully I can rest a full night again. Really exhausted! I am sorry this is so short but wanted to post a quick update before heading out. Thank you for praying for me everyone it must be working because I am not dieing inside like I thought I would be before. I just think of this whole grief process as a long swim and you have to keep your head above water and it is a tiring task but one you must do. Then Dori from the finding nemo pops in my head "just keep swimming" in her little hum. LOL So off I go to swim!

Due Date today

2011-06-07T06:01:00.000-07:00

So the 40 week count down has ended. I am kind of relieved this is the last "countdown" day? I know it sounds weird but people who have been in the situation know what I mean. When you are grieving seems like you are forever counting. Its been 2 months since I gave birth to my forever angel. You count each week saying oh I would be doing this or would be doing that or would look like this. She would be 2-3 weeks old already because she was scheduled to be born May 19th via scheduled c-section. That day I think was harder. Today I think will be less. It is just sad because again I feel like it is the ending of something. Not sure what just feels that way. I plan to stay busy and keep myself working on the house and playing with Dustin and being a good mother to him. We had so much fun last night he is warn out this morning and still sleeping. We played in the water for a few hours outside again he thought he was helping water....LOL If he was a plant then that would surely be the case. Then we came in and changed clothes showered and ate dinner. We read books on the porch in Pj's for a little while then came in and cuddled. Stayed pretty busy and sleep came easy. This morning I awoke to a nightmare of something happening to Dustin he was getting bit by a snake I was trying to lift him up fast enough but wasn't strong enough. The snake had scratched him he turned into a two year old again after the bite and I was running with him trying to scream for help over and over I kept saying please don't let anything happen to him he is all I have left. I woke up then and realized I might have some fear for Dustin on some level. Crazy how your mind plays tricks on you. But I have always feared for him that is my job I am mom. I have always known how special he is and how wanted and hard work he was. I know he was a gift. Now just to hold him and get thru today....

Look at my beautiful angels face a little longer....

Two months

2011-06-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it has been 2 months since our worlds were forever changed. It seems like it was so long ago in one hand since so much change has evolved in our lives from her loss. Then on the other hand it seems like it was just yesterday that I was rubbing my belly and playing in her sweet room imagining rocking my baby by her window softly in the morning sun. I still feel like it was just the other day I was going thru her stuff having the time of my life arranging socks and picking outfits for her first week of life. I wish I could go back to those blissful moments just for a breif time for that light hearted feeling. Now I hold this heavy heart saturated with tears and worrys and what if's. I can't believe that right now she would just be leaving the room where we would have spent over 4 hours with her just loving her and holding her and kissing her sweet face and looking at her and realizing the crushing thought of all that we had planned for her stopped with the last beat of her precious little heart. I even wish I could go back to that moment though it hurt more then any moment I have ever gone thru because she was in my arms as it happened. But I know that is not something that is possible. But yes I do know that one day I will get all my beautiful moments with my sweet Delanie I will hold her and rock her and feel her warmth and watch her eyes open with life. I know this will happen. Until then I will live for her and breath for her and hope that I make her proud. I will share her story and talk about her and whisper her name each morning and each night telling her good morning and goodnight my angel. I will keep her alive. I won't forget her. I will love her always. I will stare at her beautiful pictures and change her flowers weekly and tend to her garden and sit in her room. I will heal. I am happy to show everyone her sweet face I am happy everyone can see that she was real and she was sweet and beautiful and yes she looked everything like her father and brother and yes I only got a pinky toe in the deal....But she makes me smile. She makes my heart and mind open in ways it never has before and for that I am grateful. I will never know all that she has changed in this world with her small presence. But I will beleive it. Happy 2 months my sweet faced angel. Mommy and Daddy and brother love you...

Back to work.....

2011-06-06T06:11:00.000-07:00

First off I could not sleep the whole night just those first day of school type jitters type feeling. I ended up finally falling asleep sometime between 1-2 am and woke up at my normal 5am and was out the door by 530 am. I had weird dreams all night some about Delanie then some others about not waking up to my alarm clock and going to work later in the day. Very strange. I got to work and everyone was happy to see me. You could see some people through out the day nervous shifting around and having a hard time holding a conversation. I could see in their minds that they had questions or feelings that they were holding back. I know they are sorry for our loss. I know if effects many people other then those that are closest. I brought pictures that are loaded to my phone for everyone at work to see. I only showed the closest people yesterday but they were not afraid to ask as we are close and they know it is okay. Others I am sure are a little afraid to ask such a bold question it seems. But I love Delanie and I love her little face and its such a treasure to have. The work part was good. Feels good to nurture and take care of people. I started off slow as my boss put me on orientation for one week to help me ease back into nursing on the floor. I had three patients. A couplet (mother and baby) and then a c-section mother that's baby was in the NICU. The babies did not bother me I was not exactly sad all day but the thought of these people all being in my birth club and I was holding their babies and caring for them when I should have been joining them and needing to be cared for was hard. I looked at the sweet baby I had and cared for her deeply just because she was sweet and innocent but part of the graduating class persay of Delanie. I looked at her and thought she was doing the same things Delanie was at the same time like growing arms, starting her little heartbeat,able to tell the sex of her, and moving for the first time. I was sad only because Delanie would not be going on to the next chapter of life with her so called graduating baby class. But was very happy for the ones that did. I will never feel ill will towards those who fought and survive to be here no matter who they belong too. I don't think there is a reason or plan in babies being lost. I think it just happens and then god swoops in to help take them before pain has started or they are scared. I think having a baby is a chance at life that is all you are given, is a chance. It is a chance worth taking. And yes bad things horrible things can happen with that chance as we have discovered. But then wonderful things can happen to as we have also discovered. I know life may seem like it has been cruel to us and harder then others. I know we have had a lot thrown at us as me and John were sitting on the porch talking about. But I am not done fighting for my babies. I know it is harder road for us then others but I know the warmth and goodness at the end of the road thanks to Dustin and Delanie. I know that whatever life throws at me I can take it. I know all the pain and suffering is worth it in the end for the simple things in life such as making pancakes for a smiley boy that looks at you like you are the best mom in the world. I know it is worth it. So life all I can say is bring it on because I will not give up because I know my babies are worth it. They are a special breed of angels that pay off with hard work and deep love.

Delanie Faye (picture)

2011-06-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

We are finally ready to share Delanie with the world at least one picture of her. This is a edited airbrushed picture of her skin. She had wonderful skin but yes there were some color blemishes from the loss of oxygen. We love her though and think she is perfect and miss her dearly. Please we ask that there is no sharing or copying of the picture and that feature has been disabled in order to protect our precious angels picture.

Delanie Faye Denton

April 6th 2011 @ 1842

31 weeks 1 day

Our sleeping beauty

Mixed Emotions

2011-06-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

Excited and nervous about tomorrow I miss my friends at work and am eager to get back into the swing of life. But in some ways you almost feel like your grieving time has come to a end. Which I know it hasn't but in some ways this maternity leave was still her time and it's done. Weird I know. I know that it's never done but in ways it's the end of this chapter but still on to the next. Today I am torn between wanting to leave the house and do things and wanting to cuddle up and read a book or wanting to get things done around the house? I don't really know which direction to go. I know I don't want to be alone but John is having to go do a few things today then we will be together again. I guess just sit back and let the day take me where it will. Hopefully Dustin has a good day his lungs have really been acting up lately making me a nervous mommy. He has never been this reactive lung wise. I mean yes I know he has had Chronic lung Disease since he was a newborn but this is different lately and it is making me on edge again like when he was really small. Hopefully this new cocktail of lung medications will fix him up. He is having a small non productive cough which I am hoping is not a side effect from one of these new medications and it is due to the pollen in the air. Still trying to pay attention and figure that out. Fingers crossed he stays okay and these medications work better for him.

Need to catch up!

2011-06-03T06:12:00.000-07:00

My week has been hectic! I go back to work Sunday and it is that time of year for alot of Dustin's yearly check up' s with all his specialist. So I will break it down by day!

Monday (memorial day) We did a lot of cleaning and trying to get the house a little more organized. We cleaned Dustin's room with team work (Dustin and I) while daddy was at work. We organized it and got rid of some little boy things to make room for BIG boy things. He was a really big help and I was really proud of him for getting rid of a lot of toys and items that were to small for him. We are taking them to goodwill later today. Fun thing Monday we got to meet Daddy for lunch and we got mommy a new phone! My phone has been shutting off by itself lately and just been crappy it is over 2 years old though. We switched services from Sprint to AT&T they had a better value and got a iPhone super cheap and a discounted plan through my work. Awesome =)

Tuesday Dustin and I went to the library and signed up for their summer reading program and got some books to study and work on. Then we went to the park and for those of you that have my facebook you know I went on a rant about some bad mannered children there on a field trip! I actually contacted the school after I got back home because YES they were that ill mannered and no supervision whatsoever. We looked for a long time Dustin and I to find a teacher and NEVER saw one once. Crazy right? Then Aunt Kimmy came for lunch and we went to the tea room in Gruene it was awesome as always. Then we took Dustin to the cupcakery in Gruene and Dustin split a cupcake with mommy =0) Then we came back to the house and played and relaxed from the hot weather!

Wed- This day was hard on my grief wise and I didn't expect it to be. Again grief has no handbook or manual and the things you think will bother you don't and the ones that do hit you from left field out of no where at times. Most of the time it is simple things. HARD DAY. Dustin had a cardiology appointment as he does every year in May-June time. His appointment went great of course and everything came out PERFECT for him. But during his echo I had a moment as I saw the doctor preform the echo which is a sonogram of the heart I looked at the beating heart pumping away on the screen and realized the last time I saw this type of screen the heart was my daughters and it was not pumping...it was a still empty pear shaped orb with no life to it. I saw it a few times through out that horrible day. I remember willing it to just start beating again and I swore to myself if I saw it just blink one time I would find the nearest sharp object and cut her out of my belly myself and start NRP (newborn CPR) on her right away bleeding out or not. But that heroing moment would not happen. I looked down on my son on the other hand and thanked god his heart was so strong and counted that blessing. Looked at him the baby who was not supposed to survive the little one pound baby who had his first surgery at less then a week old and listened to the sound of his heart and closed my eyes and thanked god once more. I miss Delanie but I am also thankful for my blessings at the same time. It's a hard thing to be sometimes. Then the evening time was all about my niece Emerald she graduated from highschool and we had to go to her graduation which Dustin was excited about. In front of us was a group of people cheering for their graduate and of course what would her name be? Delanie.....Then I looked onto the stage and realized my Delanie's name would never be called onto that stage and I would never have that moment with her. One of many that were stolen from us. Shook my head and then again took a moment to count my many blessings that I had a niece healthy and walking across that stage with her beautiful smile on her face. She is such a beauty and such a creative wonderful blessing. I have 4 more nieces to watch take that walk and a wonderful son. Count your blessings Holly or you will drown.

Thursday Woke up and got dressed cleaned house and then drove to my work to meet with my boss about going back to work and just coming up with a clear plan of when and what I would be doing and also to get my passwords redone. It was nice to be back at work with my work family and seeing familar loving faces. It got me excited to come back and almost not wanting to leave. But we had to because Dustin had another appointment with his eye doctor after. We also wanted to meet his grandparents for lunch. We went to the eye doctor and waited for so long. He had to get his eyes dilated even though I feel bad because he has to go to a retinologist later this month and will have to be dilated again for him. Dustin's left eye which he has had more trouble with in life. That is the eye with scar tissue and cornea issues. It is also weaker in muscle control so now we will have to be doing exersizes with Dustin thru out the day to help. When it loses control it is right at reading distance (about 12 inches from face) so that may be why he is having reading trouble in school. It is really obvious and I don't know why I haven't noticed it before. The doctor would have Dustin focus on a object and bring it forward to his face slowly with him focused and about 12 inch range his left eye would shoot to the side. Poor kid can't he get a break. Again counted my blessings because it could have been worse he was almost blind with ROP until yet again another surgery saved him. So blessings count them don't drown!

Friday still to be determined.....lol

Striving for the better...

2011-05-31T05:14:00.000-07:00

I find myself constantly striving to change to be better. I am having another one of those make the bed mornings. Which for those of you that don't know me I make the bed so that I don't crawl back into it. I really find FOR ME that if I get back in and go to sleep yes those moments are nice and relaxing but when I wake up I feel drained all day and end up on and off in bed. I think that is how depression really progresses is in your sleep patterns. Well at least for me. Now if I stay up then I end up forcing myself to get up and go and do things even though I am tired? Weird right? But since Delanie's birth and all those many weeks (15) on bedrest strict bedrest I have changed some of my mindset on wanting to be more organized and productive in life. Seems like some days I am wasting precious life. I think about that once I was a baby and I was also given the chance to live and breath so am I bad for wasting it? Would I have any regrets? I know some people think I may be morbid thinking this but I think about organization and if I were to pass away in my earlier life and people were left to go thru my things and help John pack would they be surprised? So maybe that is why I am going thru things trying to straighten them up. I am also going back to work which is a huge step and I still want to take care of John and Dustin so I want to make sure everything runs smoothly for them and even me. I wish I could peek in everyone's houses and just see what works for them in little things they do. Like all the tips and trades women have but may not even notice that its a awesome idea. Each family is a little book I wish I could read about. Everyone has a story wish I knew theirs as I am sure they might be surprised at our long story in our short lives. They wouldn't think by looking at us all that we have been thru in life. But I will keep striving for the better. Keep making my bed and keep looking for the sun.

wow...

2011-05-30T20:12:00.000-07:00

I have a date that I am going back to work I will start work again Sunday June 5th a little nervous but happy as well to see all my friends and work family. I miss dealing with patients and caring for them. After all that seems to be what makes me feel better when I am in a grief storm is caring and nurturing something or someone. So I think work will actually be healing being the line of work that I am in. I know people are concerned because I work postpartum on a mother baby floor but that is work and it is seperate. I know none of those babies are mine and those babies aren't what will heal my pain. I am happy for each baby born healthy even though mine never made it. I would never want this pain on anyone even a junkie mother high on lord knows what or a young mother or anything else that has a negative. No one no matter who they are deserves to feel that pain nor does any innocent baby. After all no matter who the mother is every baby is innocent. I think this will be good I think I can be strong I know life will be good for us someday. I feel we will be blessed again. I still feel blessed to have her. I still would have chose to have her and the time with her even with the same outcome and result. So for that I need to know I am blessed. I got to meet Delanie and no one else did. I got to feel her and love her and feel her grow each week and day. I got to see her pretty face and soft little feet. I got to spot each feature of the man that I love in his daughter's face. I did make him a father to a daughter he was wonderful. His arms melted around her with love. I got to see that. I was apart of that. I need to count my blessings. I have had the chance. That is afterall what I asked god for. I ask for that again when the time is right is a chance.

Weekend

2011-05-28T20:47:00.000-07:00

Today was my niece's graduation party we were so happy for her and so very proud. I love my niece's very much more then they will ever know. A lot of my life has been just for them and I tease them they better repay me with a good old folks home later in life. I spent the morning doing chores and spending time with Dustin. Then my dad and Judy came to drop off a much wanted gift, Delanie's hope chest! My father made it for us and it is so wonderful. It is so beautiful more then I could have ever imagined it! Now I have a special place to put Delanie's special things but keep them close to me as well =) I took pictures to show everyone =)

So pretty! Now I can put her special things in here like her blankets and memory box, ect.

Cedar lined thank you daddy!

Facing the sun

2011-05-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

So my next venture in this grief journey is to return back to work another step to a life of somewhat normalcy if there will ever be that again. I have felt somewhat peaceful but grief emotions are like a storm and change with each wave and turn. I could feel this peaceful moment that my child is warm and safe with god and loved ones and the next hour it could change to rage and anger. I am ready to see what emotions work will bring though I think they will all be good. It's a step back to life but not a step away from my child like some may view it. I will grieve at work to with my work family I know they love Delanie to so it isn't me taking a step to forget about her or move on it is a step back to a productive life but with her with me always. I am not looking at it or at least trying not to look at it as the period of grief is over and there for her time it over because it never is. The wounds will never heal and she will never be far from my mind. But I will continue to live for her and in life living is moving forward always not from her but in life period. It's sad in a way but I try not to think of it like that. I will try to keep my head up and bring in the positive because there is nothing negative about Delanie. My child was perfect and positive she was all that was good in this world wrapped up in a wonderfully beautiful heart and little body. Maybe to good for this world. I know god didn't take her my faith is strong that he is not a taker of life but a giver and he only came to get her once he saw trouble or pain and rushed to embrace her. That is what I must think and believe with my everything to get to my next breath. The gardening is helping and it helps that it is slow moving I think and something to nurture and take care of daily as we would for Delanie. We also can do it as a family so that helps us aswell. We will stay strong we will stay together and we will still be standing thru anything that comes our way. We have been thru so much in life we will have stories to tell and lessons to learn and pass on to those in need.

I also took so pictures of our little family fun today =) Dustin had to help mommy water the yard of course but his way is slightly different as more water ends up on him then grass? But they both grow fast so I took pictures to hold on to the funny moments of my dear son <3 How I love him so <3

Soaking wet!

Wondering what is getting more water?

Boys....

Thanks for your help son! LOL

progress...

2011-05-24T17:55:00.000-07:00

More pictures of the garden today this time with a big addition done Delanie's tree planted! YAY we are glad its planted and so far so good. I got Delanie's flowers the other day they are not planted yet because they are seeds. Her birth month flowers are sweet peas and daisies so we are planting them as seeds first frost then they will bloom by her birthday =) Nice birthday gift for us =)

Her seeds that will be planted in the fall =)

Her new tree

Her butterfly angel statue from my dad and step mother

All the leaves I raked up!! My arms hurt!

I love him so much can't stop taking pictures of him =)

This is a cool little balloon flower


Her tree

today,,,,

2011-05-24T06:38:00.000-07:00

Had to make my bed so that I don't climb back in it. I hate wasting precious time anymore so after I wake up I regret the nap even though I may love it while I am slumbering. I just don't want life to pass me by anymore and I have so much to get done today heck in life not just today! I really need to work in the yard this morning but also in the house it has fallen behind because we have been working in the yard so much. I know I will have to get the carpets cleaned for sure after we are done with everything!! Yesterday I had to take Dustin to pulmonologist (lung doctor) because of his attack on Friday and it was his normal scheduled appt time as well. We went up on several of his medications because his asthma is not controlled. Well he still isn't classified as asthma they still classify him with Chronic Lung Disease really. Which if you think about it describes it all but whatever floats their boat. We are now on two more lung medications. He did do GREAT on his growth chart he is just blooming like a weed! 56 pounds and 47 inches tall at 8 years old. He totally fits in his class and he is not even the smallest child in his grade like he use to be always! It's nice! Course I am buying cloths for him like crazy! None of his old summer cloths are fitting so we will have to purchase a few more things soon over time. So happy with his progress now hopefully we get his lungs under control so that maybe one day he can play sports =) He can't right now because he can't keep up and he gets upset and fustrated then mad and that is usually accompanied with him turning blue and white around his mouth because he can't breath. So we are gonna wait and keep working to get him there someday. Life of a micropreemie lol Hope everyone enjoyed the pictures there will be more coming as we get things done =)

Nurture Nature...

2011-05-23T21:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is with grief but I find with many people with all different types of grief young or old they seem to take to outdoors and get their hands in the dirt somehow. I know there is a psychological meaning for it I am sure. When someone has lost a piece of their heart they just want to nurture someone or something. To make beauty maybe from so much grief and hurt. From day one being outside at least has helped not only me but John as well. We have been working our butts off (literally) manicuring and improving our house on the outdoors. I should have taken pictures of before and afters prior to John's vacation week as you won't be able to tell everything that we have done. We have ripped out trees and 2 different spots of bushes really made alot of change. We have planted a few gardens and I will make another tomorrow the one for her tree =) We are planting a Texas red bud for her and when the time is right (first frost) I will plant her birth month seeds which are daisies and sweet peas and they will bloom around her birthday =) I like this idea because we won't know what we will get until her birthday so kind of a little birthday gift for us from her. We have been doing lots of work on our grass to it use to be so plush but we had trouble with it last season and then got pregnant and focused everything on that and not much else. AND on the insurance matter I am still insured YAY it all did roll over but I may have to pay a smoker fee even though we both don't smoke but because we didn't go in to sign the no smokers contract thing we will have to maybe pay a extra 35 dollars a pay period. They are still checking though hopefully we don't. Well better get to the pictures I will try to explain as I post them =)

Some of the flowers

Bird feeder (butterflies of course)

All the new rocking in the front we ripped out everything that was old and all those rocks are new and then hauled in all that dirt to fill them and pack them.

Still have alot more plants to buy we will get there slowly =)

Round the tree

Her Texas redbud tree =)

This is right outside her window we took out a row of red tip bushes that were high infront of it there was rocking underneath you can see on the ground. We plan to fill this in with crushed granite square kind of and make a seating area with latis work on the side with climbing plants of some sort. That tree sitting next to there we aren't sure were is going its a traveller red bud tree really neat tree when it grows up if you want to google image it

John's silly topsy turvey pepper plant he is inlove with......I am less then thrilled but whatever makes him smile =)

Lord love the Texas hill country this is what a hole looks like for the tree its solid rock I have had to hand dig most of it! Tomorrow I will rock a garden around it so that we can build it up with dirt and plant the tree. AND all this rock you see us using is all from our yard mind you! They come up everywhere LOL

Front of the house with the rocking

Hopefully

Some decor

John bought me this bird bath bowl that I loooooooooove! I am not sure exactly where it will be for sure but for right now I just put it on a upside down pot so our MANY birds can enjoy it until I figure it out.

Our messy porch sorry! Been tracking dirt all thru there

Backyard now the metal pieces are all pieces of the pool we ripped down!

Our pool is GONE! Well on its way to being gone! We hauled away all the plastic parts of it like the liner now we are doing the metal parts in trips

Ewwww....

Big eww mess this will eventually be a step down stone patio with a Royal Impress tree over it and climber plants going up those wood rails but I will paint them first I think because they are a minty green color. This picture is to show you the progress so that later you can see before and afters LOL

Sunday

2011-05-22T20:47:00.000-07:00

Today was a very busy day once again I swear me and John will be skinny twigs by the time we get half way done with the things we are wanting to do in our yard. We have so much that needed to be done that we have put off while I was on bedrest we were kind of just on a day to day life mode. We were so focused on Delanie and getting her here safely we put everything else aside. Which was good and what we were supposed to do I know. We have ripped out our above ground pool and hauled some of it off need to finish hauling that off this week. We dug a hole for Delanie's Texas redbud tree this morning and it was SOLID rock so that was a big deal! We bought a couple more flowers and planted them and a bird feeder I have really been wanting. We have been trying to be thrifty shoppers and look for sales and buying some things used as we don't have all the money we want forsure but really who does! I know things will get better when I get back to work and get some extra money coming in once again. I feel badly sometimes for John because he has been carring so much weight and burden for so many months. I know it all wasn't for nothing and like we have said we would do it again even with the same result she was a blessing in our lives and has forever changed us. Such a big task and accomplishment for such a little girl to do. No matter what happens we will hang on and stay tightly bonded together. I am really scared tonight and nervous because for so long I didn't open mail and some of it was left in Delanie's room so I was unable to look at it until I finally got the guts to enter her room again. Well I was supposed to enroll in our employee benefits in April and I didn't know. I am praying that we will still have insurance and what I had last year will just roll over as I didn't want to change anything anyways but I don't know how that works. Seems silly to make you do all that paperwork each year. PRAYING it just rolls over and we don't lose our health insurance because that would pretty much destroy us. So I am asking please say a prayer that everything works out. I am calling first thing in the morning to ask about it and make sure that we still have coverage. Dustin has a appointment tomorrow with the lung doctor which is good because of his recent attack I am thinking he needed to be seen anyways and hopefully his peak levels will be okay. I let the day get away from me today working and then we also were hauling loads and went and got the flowers then came home planted them did some more work and then we did go to a movie because John hasn't done anything fun for this whole week he was on vacation so we went to see pirates of the carribian 3 and it was good =) Will take some pictures tomorrow of the progress still LOADS to be done!!!

End of the world....hmmm

2011-05-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

I guess today was supposed to be the end of the world but who knows we American's are always stylishly late. I never thought it would be the end of the world anyways. The day started off really well actually I got up this morning early I was excited that John's best friend Mike was coming over. He is the best uncle ever and Dustin was excited he was coming to. He was so sweet and sweated his booty off all day to help us get the outside ready and going for Delanie' s gardens and other projects. So I got up to make him breakfast because food is the way to his heart. LOL I made a big breakfast of french toast, hash browns and bacon and some fresh coffee I knew they would need it for all I had in store for the two unaware men. We have totally juggled and demoed a lot in our front and backyard. We also took down the above ground pool that we had in the backyard which was WAY a lot of work we still aren't done! We made two of the front gardens in the front yard for Delanie and we got her two beautiful trees yesterday also! We had been to about 15 nurseries looking for the right ones! Finally found them from a wonderful guy outside of San Marcus. We are planning on doing a stone patio where the pool is and I will add memorial stones for Delanie as well <3 I just can't wait until it is all done but it will take a long time for everything to come together and I will take pictures along the way and share them here. I should have taken before pictures prior but oh well I will take some tomorrow and share them tomorrow night. Had a run in this morning over the phone with a hateful family member that I have thrown out of my life for good. Since having Delanie I just see life differently and negative people I don't need around my family we just don't deserve that. Apparently I need to get over my daughter already even though this person hasn't even talked to me since way before Delanie died. There is way more to the story but I don't want to dwell on it. I need to look for positives and stay positive and keep going forward in life. A lot of big things in the next few weeks. My niece graduates, Dustin finishing up this year of school, and I will be returning back to work and lots of yard work and we really need to catch up on finances as we have a lot of medical expenses piling up sadly with nothing to show for them which makes it harder to swallow. Work will be good though I miss my work family dearly and I miss working I do love my job and need to get back to doing what I love. =)

Hold them...

2011-05-19T17:28:00.000-07:00

I am asking you to do something for me tonight. I am asking you this favor. This favor to look at your children and realize you can touch them because they are there. Sing to them because they are there. Hug them because they are there. Praise them because they are there. Hold their hands because you can...

First and last time holding hands

My intention is not to scare you or make you fear your child's death. But these things are sudden and you never know when you have your last chance to touch them kiss them feel them, speak to them. Death is never planned in children really it is always sudden. When you look back on your day even today. Would you have any regrets to not hugging your child enough? Did you tell them you loved them today? What would happen if tomorrow you woke and didn't have the chance. This post is not to scare you but enjoy what you have and know that you have the chance. We did not think that Delanie would never have the chance to be loved in the flesh and be held warmly in our arms. We do take everyday life for granted. I even do with Dustin. I am guilty of him asking me to play a game or asking to watch a movie with me but my favorite show is on and I tell him later son. What if there was no later would that last encounter be a regret later? I am taking a vow right now. Just like when you are married you are told " Never go to bed angry". Well use that with your children never let them go to bed unloved. Make sure that you kiss them hug them and love them and let them know how much you love them each night. Take 5-10 minutes with each one and sit on the edge of their beds and tell them how much they mean to you. Then hug them and take in the feeling of their warmth and unconditional love for you. Then kiss their warm forehead and remember there will be a time when you won't be able to do that each night after they are grown. Take a breath in and smell their clean bathed hair. Take in each thing slowly and place it in a memory in your head. Live every moment as if its your last is a wonderful line that I think of often now. I do take even my wonderful miracle of a child for granted often. Remember they are a gift treat them right and with love because they are your gift from heaven. Hold them tight and show them why they chose you when they were angels above. XOXO

Sometimes it gets just a little bit harder...

2011-05-18T19:44:00.000-07:00

Today has been a range of emotions I think I have went thru every stage of grieving all over again in one days time. Anger was a huge one this morning I was not angry at anyone just the situation. Tears streamed down my face as I was driving to the store to get a few groceries for tonight's dinner I should be in bed right now I kept thinking. I should have been getting ready for the wonderful birth of my daughter, I should have been packing my bags and wondering how I would sleep tonight with the birth of my daughter scheduled for the morning. I should have been planning on washing all her cloths and washing Dustin's big brother shirt for the morning. I should have kissed him tonight and told him to get some rest because tomorrow he would be a big brother. So much that should have happened the list goes on and on. I wish I wasn't sitting in bed wondering how much pain tomorrow will bring. I wish this was a much happier post with pictures of my bags next to the front door and us acting silly around the house making sure we packed everything but forgetting most of it. But tomorrow I will wake up as usual there is nothing special about the day. I will make breakfast for John and Dustin then get dressed and start my day. Just like today and yesterday. There will be no baby cries or happy tears tomorrow or family members streaming in the room with smiles on their faces and wet cheeks from seeing how beautiful my daughter is and making fun of how she is going to keep us up all night. Tomorrow will not be that day. Tomorrow will be Thursday and a broken dream. I wish things were different I wish tomorrow still would have been the day I would say Happy Birthday to my first born daughter. I know that when I wake up and roll over to the sun I will still whisper in my mind happy hopeful birthday Delanie. Today I am 6 weeks postpartum. 6 weeks and your life is forever changed everything turned around. Just 6 weeks....breathe

Just noticed...

2011-05-17T16:38:00.000-07:00

Mine and Delanie's little pinky toes are both crooked and they were captured in each picture

postpartum check up

2011-05-17T15:19:00.000-07:00

John came with me which I was happy about. We came early to hopefully get out early but that did not happen. We were the first people there and everyone got seen before us because my doctor was running late. Was hard to sit in the waiting room because I forgot this would have been one of my normal appt dates and the same group of pregnant women were all there. Everyone with their big bellies and glowing and me alone in the corner hugging my husband. Nothing much to really report from there either as far as results she briefly checked me and asked us some questions and encouraged us on TTC again after a 6 month break to allow my body to heal from the c-section. She also had no answers on what happened with Delanie only that she really thought and felt in her heart that it would not happen again. We left there and I really was thinking hard. That was the last of anything to do with Delanie doctor wise. I thought I would be sadder like a book almost starting to close. The last step would be returning to work in a way. A weird thinking in my head. I always have these little check marks going and checking things off one by one in my head and I am running out of check marks. Weird I know....I am really tired today and just really wanting to rest. I love having John with me and we are trying to get alot done. Hopefully later this week we will have everything together to start on some of Delanie's gardens and tree. xoxoxo

Results....

2011-05-16T19:10:00.000-07:00

I know many of you are wanting to know about results. I wish I had some to give you. We met with Dr. McFarland and she had none to offer. Everything came back good and she even reviewed all old sonogram footage and couldn't find one thing that might have been the case. There was no reason and we just have to live life with that and I know sometimes it just happens from working in the same field but it's hard to swallow when it is yourself. We have a wonderful plan of action that was well thought out for the future. We love Dr. McFarland and know she truly cares for us and wants to help us in any way possible. There was a slight infection noted on my placenta but not enough to cause any trouble or even a elevated white count or fever. More then likely that was only noted because of her death even though it was only a very short time she was passed away. We are thinking many theories about her death more then likely it would have to be something sudden because the Friday before she had scored a 8/8 on her BPP which is a health score given via sonogram. Blood flow was also checked and everything was fine. We know she had a two vessel cord so if one vein clotted or failed she would not have had a backup like most babies. There is the possibility of a fetal stroke or cord accident since it was sudden. There was meconium present which medical people know when mec (a babies stool) is present there was fetal stress. She moved at 9pm that night and was sonogramed that morning with no heartbeat. She had only passed away a matter of hours. Just hours changed my life, how precious life is such a short time made such a big difference. I am thankful John is with me this week as if I was still pregnant we would be preparing for our scheduled c-section on Thursday. So sad to think about it at least I won't spend it alone. Going to try to stay as busy as possible this week. Love to all please keep us in your thoughts and prayers we appreciate it greatly as we heal. More later......tomorrow is my 6 week postpartum check up I really am not looking forward to going back...

Trip to the coast and tomorrow

2011-05-15T20:01:00.000-07:00

This weekend John and I took Dustin to the coast for some family time. John's bosses were so nice to us to let us have their beach house all to ourselves it was a great thing for healing and some relaxing moments. You can almost pretend you were in another life. Was nice to get away but my mind was never far from reality though I pretended to be far away from it. I realized this weekend just how often I really do think of my daughter even when in a way I am trying not to almost. We did have fun and fished and loved one another. We were goofy and laughed and teased and played. We did all the things a good family does. We took away alot of nice memories and smiles. Dustin and John needed the time for sure. I finally got to stick my toes in the sand =) Something I have been talking about since I got put on bed rest with Delanie January 9th. But it was also a sad moment cause I remember thinking when I got the chance to do that I would be holding my little girl in my arms. It turned out to be a very empty moment. What was more fuller was watching Dustin running on the beach with his no fear outlook on life dodging waves and laughing loudly and asking his daddy to watch all his moves. They are my life and I love them both dearly. We never strayed to far from thinking of our daughter though and wrote her name in the sand to let her know maybe in a way. Tomorrow will be a hard day please pray for us. We go to the results appointment for mine and Delanie's blood work. I am not sure how I will feel and if I want results or not. It is just one more thing on the grief checklist to go thru and one more thing you just won't know how you will feel until you get there and get through it. This whole process you never know how you will feel until you get to that point or venture. Tuesday then is my 6 weeks postpartum check up. John is off this whole week on vacation. A vacation that would have been meant for the birth of our daughter on Thursday. She would have been here this week and instead I feel like I am coming to the end of her in a way with the last of the check up and then shortly returning back to work. Life will be at a new normal but old normal routine again. I just wonder what life will hold in store for us over the next few months and even just a year from now where will we be?

Here are a few pictures from this weekend <3

At last......

We love you

Dustin and the red fish <3

Dustin playing in the water

Part of my heart

Time is like pain medication

2011-05-13T13:32:00.000-07:00

First of all YAY that blog spot is back I haven't been able to post for the past few days because of it being down.

I have come to the conclusion that time is like pain medication for the person in grief. It numbs it to wear you don't feel it as bad and allows you to do everyday activity without the pain being unbearable. But like pain medication works the pain is still there the whole time with the same intensity it just dulls it while the medication is working at it's fullest. So time is a person of grief's narcotic. The pain is always there it never hurts less in intensity because the outcome is never changing there is no improving the situation that caused the grief there are no go backs so the pain is unchanging. Just gets more bearable. You just live again but with the forever hole in your heart where the pain comes from. I am glad it is getting easier to live again but in a way I feel guilty. Soon I will be returning back to work the first week of June and it in a way feels like that will be the end of the whole maternity leave so it is back to life but without her. It feels like some sort of ending to her situation and her. I know it never is yes I am a very logical thinker at times but emotionally this is how I feel. Monday is her big appointment where we will find out if there was any reason that showed up on labs for her death. We refused a autopsy on our sweet angel because she was just to perfect to harm. We were very protective over her and I still am. I find myself very protective over her things and want no one to touch them or try to take them right now. Just how I am feeling this week at this time who knows what it will be like next week or the next hour. These emotions are swift in changing and very unknowing. I once scared of her room sit in there often. Sometimes it's very sad and sometimes it's very happy but most of all it is just empty. I read Dustin a wonderful children's grief book call we were going to have a baby but had a angel instead, my friend Amy suggested it after buying it for her older daughter after her middle daughter passed away. It really was very good and he really enjoyed it. John's vacation is this week he is staying close with me because this is the week we chose to have Delanie Faye. She would have been born on Thursday May 19th at 7am if everything would have just gone right. If I was in a good dream instead of a bad one. We are leaving to go to the coast this weekend and I am excited about that all I have wanted since I have been pregnant was to stick my feet in the warm water and put my face to the wind and take a deep breath. Now I will do it without my reward though of my daughter. But I know I will enjoy the serenity of watching John and Dustin hold hands and play in the water and knock down each other's sand castle's and tease each other about who caught the bigger fish and who gets to hold mama's hand (both). I will listen to them both fight and bicker like two old men and I will be thankful to have the chance to giggle and scold them both but meanwhile I will still miss the essence and love of my daughter. I will think of her often in the peace fullness of the ocean. I will miss her deeply but also enjoy and count my blessings of having her in my life even for just a short time. I will count my blessings of the family I am left with. When packing my pink and black suitcase John bought me for the trip to the hospital today I thought about how unfair it was that I was packing it for a trip to the coast and not for a trip to the hospital this week. If only I knew when he brought it home and how happy it made me that I would be packing it for the planned time but not for the planned birth. Life has a cruel twist to it far to often then I would like. I miss her. I want her. I needed her. But I will live without her only to breath for her, Only for the chance to see her again someday far away.

Walking thru life...

2011-05-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

Being a person of grief makes you take a different outlook on life. It is as comparable to being a mother makes you think totally different then others. I am a big people watcher I can sit on a bench and just watch different people stroll by and I love to just sit there and watch. I met my sister for lunch today in Gruene and I was watching people walk by wondering what in their lives were they going thru. I have felt before in at times like I wear a big sign that says I LOST MY BABY on me or in some ways wanted to scream it to the world and other times hide it. I wonder if one of the people walking by might be feeling the same way. Whether it be with a family member or a husband off to war and not come back or a child lost, a couple walking by holding hands maybe suffering with infertility. You just don't know their story as they don't know yours. The lady in the corner you think is giving you dirty looks do you think maybe your the age of a child she lost and maybe it hurts to look at you. There are so many thoughts and perspectives to look at in life and many times you only think of your own world or the others near yours. The pregnant woman that walks by holding her belly. You might be jealous of her but what if that baby were to have a chronic life threatening condition and she knows that and she knows that the child's birthday will also be the day it grows their wings but she still carries it. We just don't know their stories. It just really makes you wonder. The waitress serving me has alot on her mind would she take more time for me and smile more often if she knew how much pain I was secretly in? The lady at home depot the other day was hurtful and rude to me when I was trying to get help to find a quart of paint then I asked her if it came out in white or if I needed to add color to get it that way and she said, nah it will come out white. Well that was wrong it comes out clear with no color added so I will have to make a return trip to the store. Did she stop to think that I had to muscle up courage to walk into that store to buy a quart of white paint to get my daughter's hope chest painted so I could put her special things in it? You just never know who you are helping and talking to and what they have been thru or maybe what they are about to go thru in life. We take life's simpleness for granted and never think of the unknown. You never know the person you could hold open the door for and smile nicely at in a resturant might die on the ride home from there and your smile is the last thing they might remember seeing. You just don't really know your impact on people or situations and you might never know. You might be talking loudly about your love for children at dinner and a man at the bar might go home to his wife and decide that he is ready to start a family because he saw your beautiful family eating together. You alter history and life just by living. Life is so precious in each turn and moment. You don't know what tomorrow will bring or the next hour. You might be getting a phone call of goodwill or your home may burn to the ground in the next hour life just has turns and twists you never leave your home in the morning and think I better take one last look at it because it will be gone when I get back. So much deep thoughts that run thru your head with life experiances making you richer in some ways I guess a better word might be enlightened. Like a different lightbulb turning on in your head shining light on a new way of thinking, feeling and living. I love you Delanie thank you for teaching me so much in so little time but I know your lessons aren't done even though you are gone. I will never know all that you have done but I will smile at the thought of it.

So hard...

2011-05-07T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have been doing so well but tonight things just seem harder I think cause John is gone and mother's day is tomorrow. I know John will be here soon around midnight. Tomorrow I know will be okay. I can't keep myself out of her things. I have been in her room alot of the night. Dustin and I sat in there and I read him a child grief book that was actually very good and hit home very hard and it really helped him and then he wanted to talk about her more and then he wanted to look into her things and see her pictures. We went thru them all together and he said so many "right" and sweet things. Sometimes he amazes me and I swear there are angels whispering in his ears telling him what to say. I was going thru her little folder of pictures that I recieved today and staring at them thinking how beautiful and wonderful she was and I just wish I could see her again and touch her skin. I wish she was in my arms again even just for a minute. I wish I could kiss her face again. Tonight is so hard and the pain seems to come in rushes. Hopefully soon when John gets here it will ease and I can focus on him and how much I have missed him and touch his face and hold him for a little while. I just wish tonight was over already....I wish her pictures that I am going thru would be different I wish they would be of a happy delivery instead of a sad one. I feel like I just want to write a different story with a different result and a happy ending.

Ughh...

2011-05-07T18:20:00.000-07:00

Been thinking all day as we have spent 98% of it at home today because this morning Dustin got sick again but again has been okay all day again? Oh well I did run to target to get him some Children's Imodium so I think that is what finally did the trick. Poor little guy hope we don't lose any weight but he is pretty solid on his weight now so it doesn't worry me like the past. I also met with the wonderful lady that handles most of the infant loss stuff at the hospital she was bringing me my pictures of Delanie. I only got two back because something happened to the film so that was sad but I know I need to be ever thankful for what I receive there are people out there that don't even get pictures. I was happy with one of the shots that they got. The other shot was of her big feet that made me smile. But then I thought looking at her how she was inside me and I had always wondered what she would look like. I wish I could stare at her little face alive so I could see her features better. I am still thankful I try to think positively that I got to carry her that long. That all my pregnancy issues have been diagnosed and are all treatable and there is a wonderful plan laid out. I know I have it much better then others. I have a son who is a complete miracle that really isn't supposed to be here and is. My little 1 pound 5 oz miracle that is singing in his underware acting like he is talking to his daddy on the phone. And he is so perfect. I have heard horrid stories of women's babies dieing and then the mother's having to get a hysterectomy. At least I have another shot and a wonderful husband. At least I am not single. I try my hardest to think positively so that the negative doesn't change me doesn't take me down all the time. That is how I got thru Dustin's birth and time in the NICU. I counted my blessings each day. I counted each hour he was alive. I think about that. How bad I thought I had it then and I know it was bad but how I would love to be visiting a baby in the NICU verses a baby in a urn and looking at pictures and holding onto blankets trying to just get a piece of her closer to you. I swear I feel bad for any time I have ever complained about aches pains or suffering because this is true suffering. Course I was always thankful for each day I was pregnant and for the chance to be pregnant. But I think it somewhat changed again to a closer view of being more grateful then even before. Tomorrow is Mother's Day I won't know how I will feel until I get there. Just like everything else in this whole process of losing a child. You just really don't know what will be a trigger or how you will react in anything until you are in the exact moment. I am wanting to be with my mother in law I really realized how much she loves me and my family and that I know she would sacrafice anything to protect us. She is the most unselfish person I think I have ever met in my life. I hope we have a good day tomorrow. I did make a pie with Dustin for tomorrow hopefully it came out good for us all to enjoy. I find myself happily cooking alot more. I just want to cherish and take care of the family that I do have. Still forever missing the family that i have lost. Dreaming has still been hard lately I have no idea why they have become so vivid and real but I wish they weren't. Hopefully with time they get better too. John will be home tonight thankfully. He has been gone on a fishing trip for work since Thursday and I am very lonely. The house seems so much bigger when he is gone. It has just been me and Dustin and I think we are both a little lonely. But tonight daddy will be back where he belongs right beside us keeping us safe and loved. Tomorrow I will wake up to both my boys and make them breakfast and watch them tease each other laughing and joking. I will laugh with them but my mind will still wonder off from time to time while watching wishing that there was a missing face with them, a missing laugh, a missing heart beating. I will still be forever missing her and that isn't going to change. I just hope my grandmother is holding her little name sake and enjoying her on mother's day for me <3

Things that help or not...

2011-05-06T11:21:00.000-07:00

Got this from one of my grief boards and changed and did it more to me. I figure this might help some of my family deal with me a little more easier. I know some it does not pertain to friends as I am still not talking to many people but I thought this would help for the future and the family that I am talking to and some friends.

What Helps:

Acknowledge my child always because she did exist and was very real and wonderful don't avoid talking about her it doesn't hurt me it helps. It's when you act like she was never there that I get upset.

Treat me as you did before. Laugh and joke with me because that part of me has not changed.

Ask to see my child's picture(s) if I am not ready to show them to you I won't.

Let me cry and be depressed on certain days

Rather than saying, "Call me if you need me," make an effort to call me. If I don't feel like talking, please call back later or don't get upset if I don't answer.

Do something to help me get through the day -- ask me to lunch, shopping, or go for a walk with me. Understand though when I say no thank you because some days are just harder and sometimes I do want to be alone. This is a rollercoaster ride of emotions that can change from one minute to the next.

Listen.

What's Not Helpful:

Avoiding me

Not calling because you don't know what to say. Ignoring me not taking time for me when I need some time the most. Taking just one day for me would be nice. (directed to someone)

Changing the subject when I bring up my lost child.

Telling me that this is just nature's/God's way or everything happens for a reason. Or something must have been wrong with her, no nothing was wrong she was perfect it just happened I have accepted that.

Asking me How are you? Do you really want to know?

Comparing my loss to the stress you're having with something mundane. Then complaining about it infront of me.

Telling me that it's better that this happened now than later.

Hiding things from me because you think they will bother me. I am a big girl I have been thru the worst of life. Or just ask me I will let you know.

Don't Assume:

Anything really just ask me!

Because I will return to work or seem to have go back to my old routine that I am "over it." I will never be over it there is a hole in my heart there forever.

That I do not want to talk about my child, after all, they are my child.

Life....happy 1 month Delanie

2011-05-06T07:35:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning around 4 am to a sick little boy Dustin must have a stomach bug or ate something bad who knows. He had a little bit of tummy troubles yesterday but still went to school and did fine all day. Then around 4 am he is running to the bathroom poor guy. We stayed up getting sick until around 5:30 am then he came and cuddled in bed with me since daddy is gone right now. We slept until around 7:00 am a little after and then he was going to the bathroom a few more times I feel so badly for him. I got up and washed up and washed him up and then made him some dinosaur toast with butter and jelly (to get him to eat) and some juice he did eat it all and we will see how it goes staying in. So I know it's bad that my child is sick and I don't want him to be at all not one bit but I am glad he is home with me today and I can cuddle and love on him when today is May 6th 2011, Delanie was born April 6th 2011. Wow one month it has been since she has been gone. Since our dreams were shattered. I wish I could go back to the blissful glowing feeling of being pregnant and feeling my baby move around in my belly the fillings of all the sweetness of a little girl wearing little pink cloths and going into her room and picking out outfits and playing with everything and trying to picture her in the room with the crib and saying to yourself I can't believe this is my life and this is actually happening. Its a feeling like winning the lottery and buying your heart out and then them taking it away from you well really even worse then that. It's a dream bubble that gets popped. I miss her so much and wish I was holding her everyday. Not to say that it's hard all day. There are easy times there are times when you laugh and smile with friends at lunch there are times where you can dream of something other then your daughter at night and not wake up crying at the pain of losing her again in your dreams. I just got to bounce like stepping stones to those times to get thru life. I know I am lucky I know I need to count my blessings there are women who are single that do this alone. I have my husband I have his strong faithful ever loyal love. We have a understanding of each other in every way I know some don't have that. I have a son who is 8 years old who against all odds is here with me today. I know god is there because of him. I know he is a miracle and I am thankful for him. Then you have Delanie who should have made it and didn't, it's a horrid twist. I know god didn't take her I don't believe god kills or takes anyone. I think something happened and he got her out before any pain came. I don't know the results of why she died yet. I will know those on the 16th but I know from being a mother baby nurse and being in this field that many many many times there is just no answer. And I know that yes it could happen again because there is no reason people see but we can't see in the uterus we can't see into her world. She could have simply sat on her cord or something else so simple. But no matter what she was worth it and I would do it again in a heartbeat even with the same outcome. Those 8 months I carried her were hard but the happiest times I have had in a long time. I got to experiance so much more in pregnancy then I ever have before. So I am thankful for that and always will be.

4 weeks

2011-05-04T14:07:00.000-07:00

My little angel has had her wings for 4 long weeks now. Sometimes it feels like it has been longer sometimes it feels shorter. I miss her dearly no matter what and think of her constantly and always. I always want to do something for her not knowing all that I will be able to do yet and exactly what. As some of you followers know tomorrow was going to be our BIG results appointment with the specialist to get the results of mine and Delanie' s blood work and her placenta and cord results but we have changed the date because John is going out of town this weekend for a fishing tournament and it would be hard on him to leave and also hard on me to be alone after we go to the appointment so we switched the date to the week when he is on vacation so that he can be with me and I can be with him and we will have time to help each other thru whatever we may face. Still not sure about how I will feel about the results not sure if I want a answer or if I don't? Very odd feelings there. The appointment will now be on the 16th. My pictures from the hospital are also ready the unit coordinator who handles everything called me yesterday and sadly they only received two pictures back. I don't remember the nurse taking a whole lot of them but we were taking alot with our own camera too. No matter what we will be thankful for the kind care we received and all of our after birth wishes were granted and done completely. We are happy for those two pictures they are two more that we wouldn't have had and I hope they just came out very well. Please lord just let them be pretty let them show what we saw in person because these camera's can be evil. Our camera is a high quality camera but some of the shots she came out dark in color and she wasn't that way in person she had beautiful skin but the camera can be evil like I said. Hopefully and praying that it will be okay. Fingers crossed.