Just get over it

So as many of you know I run a local loss group this has been the subject of many of discussions here recently.  Family and friends just wondering when we will ever get over it...

We are soldiers that have been wounded greatly.  The flesh of our flesh the bone of our bone has left us forever.  If a solider had lost his left leg in battle you wouldn't expect him to just get up and deal with it and get over it.  You would expect him/her to be taken to a medical facility and the healing process begun, the wound would need to heal, they would need rehab to learn to walk again, to learn how to do everyday things again that they never would think would be hard for them, then there is the mental portion that they have a piece of their bodies forever missing and their life has been altered traumatically.  Not to mention the trauma of how and when it happened how it felt to have it removed from their bodies knowing that it would forever be gone.  You wouldn't tell that soldier to be thankful they still have the right leg,  you wouldn't tell them at least they are young and they can learn to walk with a "new" leg.  That leg they made will forever be missing the pain will forever be there.  Though they will learn to walk, smile, have a great time and sometimes yes love life and seemingly be on cloud 9.  They still miss that leg they are still reminded when they look down that there is emptiness. The memories are still there the pain, the trauma and yes over time that person gets stronger each day it doesn't make that their leg being gone is a okay thing.  You wouldn't say that to a soldier.  You wouldn't know what to say because you have never had your leg removed from your person.  You don't know what they are going thru.  So why would you say these things to a mother.  We have lost part of our souls, we have lost our flesh, blood, bone, sweat and tears and hopeful dreams.  We are PTSD sufferers and some of our stories would bring you to your knees in agony if you were to just be a fly on the wall for a bit of them.  But we slowly get up, we slowly get stronger and figure out how to live without that piece of us being there for us to see and touch and feel.  We learn to breath and walk again.  We learn to do things that we think are so common but forever changed and altered.  I never say we heal because we don't it hurts just as bad as the day they left us but I will say we get stronger each day.  We deal with the pain and manage it and live with it and become almost friends with it knowing when it will worsen and lessen.  We will smile again, we will live life and even love it again, we will enjoy our time here on earth and know how magical and special it really is.  We won't take things so for granted and will actually have a deeper perspective on life and what really matters.  But please you can't expect us to just get up and get over it.  It takes years for that soldier to start the path of living life with a piece of them gone, give us time and empathy and a shoulder if we ask for it.  Please don't try to speed us along as this isn't the correct way to learn anything in life.  Please be understanding and kind and respectful.  We don't expect you to have the answer, we know that's not on this earth.  We just expect you to love us and pray for us and hold our hands or listen to us when asked.  Let us know your there if needed and loss parents will let you know when they get strong enough.  You can let us know how sorry you are about our loss, you can let us know how much you love and care for us, you can help us with daily life things especially in the beginning, you can ask questions and talk about our children, you can ask us what we need from you directly.  All these things are okay.  The advice unless you are a loss parent, unless you are a trained professional on how we should or shouldn't grieve though is a insult and can put us a step further back in our paths.  You don't have to be scared to talk with us we know your scared we know you don't want to say the wrong thing and that's okay.  We know you can't possibly know what we are going thru and for that we are grateful because we don't want you or one more person to join our sister and brotherhood of loss.  Love unconditionally no matter our choices and understand that we are doing the best we can to learn to walk again.....

Worst night ever....

I think this will forever be the night I dread, this night brings the most hurt and sorrow for me and still 5 years later I never know how to deal with it.  Do I want to be alone?  Do I want people here?  The answer is usually alone.  Tonight alone it is.  My grammar might not be perfect in this post as it never is when emotions are flying over the keyboard keys.  This night 5 years ago my first born daughter was still inside me.  She was alive and right about now I was checking her heart tones because I felt off.  She had hiccups down low which I thought was odd.  It was a feeling I can't describe like she was far away.  They had a odd echoed feeling to them.  I remember talking it over with John and we discussed if we should go to labor and delivery to get checked out.  Then I pictured me walking in and telling the nurse "Oh my baby has weird hiccups and I just feel off", I knew they would more then likely roll their eyes at me and laugh about me all night.  I came up with excuses to put my mind at ease and they all made sense.  I was farther along and I could have just been dropping like people  normally do around 32-36 weeks.  Yep that makes sense.  I went to sleep telling myself I would get up first thing in the morning and go to the doctor to put myself at ease.  That night I said a prayer a weird prayer I know now.  I prayed to my brother Micah and to god that if something were to happen to this baby let her come out before it happened so that I could save her.  By the morning when I woke up I knew she had left me.  She was gone I couldn't wake her up and in my heart I knew why.  I have written this story I think every year more in depth other years then some.  Tonight I don't have the energy to go over every detail as I am doing it in my mind constantly this evening.  Grief never gets easier over time it just grows on you and you become accustomed to it.  Like a auto immune disease.  You always know you have it and it always bothers you.  Its bad when it flares but then goes into remission from time to time so that you can go thru every day life and smile, laugh and live as some "normal" people think.  Its incurable, it flares when it wants to and you have no power over it accept to learn how to ease it with practices you have learned over time.  I look at people all the time sometimes sitting in restaurants, coffee houses, parks and playdates.  I look at them and think of what they are or may be carrying with them.  You look at them and they appear normal, solid, and even happy.  You look at me and think the same things.  But little do you know I carry grief with me every day I fight the flare ups and try to keep it in remission but looking at me you can't tell the wiser.  Grief has taught me to be kind to others because you truly don't know what beasts they are silently battling even if they are smiling and laughing you don't know the measure of strength they are pulling thru to do those simple tasks.  Her lessons in life will be never ending.  I just simply miss her tonight. I simply want to hear her heartbeat again loudly thumping away and judging how proud and strong she is.  I want to giggle over her red little locks of hair and kiss her sweet face and chubby cheeks.  I want to sniff her sweet skin again.  I want to feel her warm against my face again.  I want to watch her daddy proudly hold her while he faced the window holding her face close to his.  I want to watch him sway around the room almost trying to calm her as if she were alive.  I know tomorrow she would be 5 years old.  She would be begging me for a silly cake of some sort.  I would be planning a over priced over worked party that would exhaust me and I would be thankful when it was over and flop down on the couch and prop my feet up and count down the months until the next one.  I would be sticking her back in bed for the 5th time tonight because she would be to over excited about her special birthday tomorrow.  Turning a whole hand.  She would be excited that she would be going to kindergarden this year.  She would be driving me I am sure crazy.  I wouldn't know to be thankful for it at that moment.  I wouldn't know that I was ever missing anything.  I would take it all a little more for granted as most "normal" parents do.  I wouldn't know,  I wouldn't even be able to imagine knowing how it could be without her.  But here I am without her.  I have her sister and her brother but that doesn't make me miss her any less.  I wish my love tonight you hadn't slipped away.  I wish it would have went different for you.

Grief Gremlin...

First off I know I always say I am going to start to try to blog again then never seldom do but again I say I am going to try to start again...

So there is this mother in our community that everyone is rallying around in support and care.  She was a former nurse for the same hospital system I use to work for and I had her a few times in both pregnancies with the girls.  She then took a job at a local school as a school nurse where her husband was a coach for the same school system.  For some reason I have always thought of her and liked her even though the conversations we have had with one another were few.  When I was pregnant with Kinley and on the cardiac unit she had came to see me and do heart tones even though they really didn't have too. I was just barely 13 weeks but it was a nice friendly face on a horrible floor and to hear the lovely pitter patter heartbeat of my rainbow baby when they could get them.  We had known each other it seemed thru many friends and I always seemed to be updated on her life because she lived close to me as well.  She lost her husband last year tragically and my heart broke for her and her two young sons.  Well this year she had a whole new grief process to enter because she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer which also led to a malignant brain tumor.  This is all recent and I don't even have all the facts I am not even sure if the whole family does.  It was terrible news and I felt like I got hit in the stomach when I heard it thru a friend before it was even out in the public.  I can't even imagine what she is going thru as she is trying to learn how to fight this beast.  I saw her the other night late in the night on face book browsing thru posts and liking comments and such.  It put to mind a phrase I have always said and never wrote about in the past.  I thought to myself the "grief gremlin" has got her and more then likely tormenting her.  Now I am not comparing my grief to her's as everyone's is totally different.  I remember staying or trying to stay busy all day and wear myself out as much as possible.  Because I dreaded the night time, that's when your at risk for the grief gremlin....I would tease myself don't feed it after midnight because it gets gross and scary and plays dirty tricks on you.  It's a grief gremlin....In the stillness of the night when everyone is sleeping and lights are low that's when it can get you and tends too.  You are there alone and your thinking and you think and think and get deeper into thought and my friend's before you know it the grief gremlin is there and you have already fed it your tears and quiet thoughts and its off until you are so exhausted you fall asleep.  I have had many of these nights.  It always for me was way harder at night.  The lonely dark thoughts in the stillness of the night.  You try your best to keep your head busy and get on face book, watch a movie, read a book etc.  But the night was always so scary you almost just wanted to get it over with.   Now thru time it did get better.  I never say its because you heal with time I really hate that phrase.  Because to me you do NOT heal.  You get stronger each day, you learn to live with the pain and you learn a new normal of life.  But if you ask me today is your pain less intense I would say NO, the pain is the same it always will be because she is still gone but I am stronger I grow stronger everyday each moment and become tolerant and function with the pain.  I even smile, laugh and enjoy life everyday.  In no way am I moving on or forgetting her but I am still alive and I am living, I am still missing her daily.  I still have nights with the grief gremlin but not as many.  I think because I have mastered a lot of this path of grief.  Every day and every stage of life is a lesson you learn from it and grow stronger.  Just keep getting stronger don't give up.  Embrace your grief and learn from it. Its not a gift, its not a treasure but it is a life experience to learn from and grow and re balance yourself.  

I am a rainbow

I am not sure if I have ever blogged on this before...but I am a rainbow baby.  My mother gave birth to a sleeping baby boy April 5th 1980 his name was Micah Ren Gerdes.  Looking back at my childhood I had always felt a huge respect towards Micah Ren like he gave me his place.  I always felt in times of danger or need I could tell myself Micah Ren is watching over me he will protect me.  My mother came from a time where people just didn't let mother's mourn their lost babies as they do now and it's more accepted.  That breaks my heart for all of you loss mothers in the past not getting what you needed to help your long grief process.  My mother and I were always close on matter of Micah Ren and we always remembered and quietly celebrated his birthday together.  There has never been a time when I have not remembered.  Most of the time it was just us.  I have always been so intune with him.  I hope Kinley Raye has the same respect and feelings towards Delanie Faye.  I look back to the night before Delanie Faye left me.  This night kills me.  That night, the night of Micah Ren's birthday April 5th 2011 I remember my prayers.  I had asked the lord if anything should be going wrong or happen please let me go into labor or have the knowledge to go to the hospital before something worse happens.  I asked the lord please don't let her be stillborn like Micah Ren.  The next morning she was gone.  Sometime that night something happened to my sweet Delanie Faye.  I will never forget my prayers that night.  I will never know if it was something intuned in me like I knew she was leaving.  I don't know if there was anything I could have done about it, I don't know if this was a goodbye in a way.  I don't know if maybe Micah was her guardian and took her that day so I would know it. 

My heart is still broken...

Yes if your questioning a grieving mother's timeline of grief.  My heart is still broken.  I often have couple's look at my hopefully and ask the question does it ever get better?  Regretfully I have to tell them the truth.....No.  The hurt is always the same as I have written my theories of that in past posts.  Time is like pain medication.  The throb does numb some because you grow use to the pain and learn to live thru it and function daily.  We are forever chronic pain sufferers.  The pain does not change in my eyes, you my friends just grow stronger day by day and we learn to take this large amount of pain and live daily lives.  Delanie never leaves my mind.  Daily I think of her and wish life had been different for us.  I wish I could complain how tired I am and how I still have so much to do for my sweet Delanie's birthday party next week.  It's a wish and I understand the fact of life is...there is no birthday party next week.   There is only her father and I staring hopelessly into each others eye's and holding back tears at times and then at other times letting them flow freely.  There just no planner and no how to's, to plan your dead child's birthday.  Yes you see other people celebrate it or do cool things in honor of their children and say I am going to do something like that.  But the truth of the matter is you treat it as if it is something sneaking up on you almost like it's going to catch you and you know it and fear it.  Yes I am blessed I met that beautiful soul that day I loved holding her warm little face next to mine and seeing how beautiful she was.  But the fact is I can't erase the pain and hurt the day came with.  And though we want to plan something that day that would be "awesome" the grief in us just wants to run and hide in a hole and hold on tight like a tornado whipping above us and pray we survive it.  I am usually polly positive but I do have days where I feel so let down.  I went the the pain of carrying my sweet baby girl and then delivering her by c-section and yes I would do it all in a heartbeat again even with the same outcome just to let her live and be happy in my belly but the other side of it is I did the work and walked away empty handed.  People might say OH Holly but look at the beautiful baby you have now.....YES she is beautiful and I am thankful and grateful and blessed.  But look at your maybe grown children let's say you have three and they are well into childhood.  TAKE away the middle one...why not you have two more...you should be grateful.  Rainbow babies are not a replacement.  I did not replace my baby girl Delanie Faye.  Kinley I always say IS my bringer of light in the darkness.  She was my beacon of light in the storm of loss.  She brought me light and happiness when my days were rainy and dark.  Just as Dustin did as well.  But neither the first child or the third child is ever a replacement for the second.  I wish all my children were with me but I am very thankful for each and everyone of their souls and every second of time I will spend with them, in Delanie's case have spent with her.  I am grateful Delanie was with us and I gave her a warm loving place her whole life.  I guess it's just crazy each year us grief parent's almost live in a episode of ground hog day...replaying years events.  I would be this right now or that right now and looking at pictures of us this day before this or that.  Why do we always count so much?  Maybe it's because we are always searching for the time lost.  Maybe it's our way to create more or make it last.  It's all we have....

So this is the picture I took this time actually this time in 10 minutes 3 years ago.  I had just gotten in Dustin and Delanie's shirts for her day of birth.  They were perfect.  I was so happy with how they came out.  Sadly in the back of my mind I have to come to grips with is I could never picture them both wearing them and that became a fact.

The fact is I always in the back of my mind knew I would lose Delanie.  I had it blocked well.  But looking back on things I did or how I felt I think in my heart I knew she wouldn't be leaving the hospital with us. With Dustin I always knew he would come home.  He would be very sick and things looking grim but I always still knew he would come home to us.  With Kinley as well I really didn't have the fear as badly as I expected I pictured her with us.  It's really hard to explain its just a intuition type feeling.  But its one you never knew you had until it's passed and you learn over time and experience what it actually was at the time.  I feel so very old from all these life lessons and experiences.  I have had enough to last a life time and then some but they are valuable although very hard to learn.  My heart is heavy tonight and I expect will be over the next coming weeks as I relive one of the most beautiful loving times of my life and also the most raw heart wrenching brutal painful times of my life.  I miss you sweet girl I will always want you.

Life as we know it

Life has changed and is so busy and going by so fast I feel like from the moment I wake to the moment I lay my head down is nothing but that a MOMENT!  Course Kinley is still waking through the night and has recently had her first illness which turned into croup.  Which that then landed her in our bed inbetween two parents mindlessly watching a baby girl breath while she slept.  The croup was not that bad at all I have been thru much worse and a WAY sicker child.  I was telling friend's that it is amazing the difference on how a person can change with life.  I was the mother to a very sick little boy who coded many times with a long NICU stay and then came home on multiple medications, oxygen until he was older then 5 years old and a heart montior until he was over a year old.  I handled him without breaking a sweat and seemed like I was forever sure of my actions and routines in his care.  Then there is this chubby faced little cherub of a girl of mine and she gets a virus and floors the whole house.  The first night I was so scared and she wasn't even that sick I slept sitting up with her on my chest just to feel her breath in and out.  I was a nervous wreck.  It just seems with the unthinkable does happen to you in life you understand how easy it is to be chosen again.  Logically I know she is fine but in my crazy brain I have to convince it.  It really is a mess up there!  Kinley is almost 11 months and I don't understand where the time went and how fast it really flew by.  Dustin will be 11 in March?  I can't picture him being 11 years old he is still very much my small little baby.  Your always at a cross roads as a parent wanting to see your child to the next stage whether it be crawling to walking to riding a bike but then in the same breath you want to revert them back to a tiny fragile newborn.  They both never stop amazing me daily with their new growth and love towards eachother.  Their bond is so incredible and really one of life's greatest treasures to me.  Kinley is so very much wanted by all of us especially Dustin.  I see now how much he needed her and how much he cares deeply for her.  I know that when we leave this world they will have eachother and they will have a forever bond.  Dustin knows her worth he worked just as hard and Kinley feels his unconditional love and devotion and returns in even as small as she is.  I love looking at her look at him and her eyes just sparkle and light up with amazement and I get a little giddy because this is only the beginning of her watching him and looking up to him.  I am excited for the years to come but so much want them to slow down!  I feel like I am not doing enough and not savoring each day enough.  Lord knows I will try harder tomorrow!  Well at least that is what I say each night in prayer = )

Beautiful gift

Just when I think my first daughter can't get anymore beautiful something comes along in life to remind me her essence is still very much here and she is still very cared for.  I recently came in contact by CHANCE with a local NILMDTS photographer for those of you who do not know the organization it is a non-profit organization that takes pictures of babies that have passed away usually at the hospital or birthing center where they are born into this world.  I was not offered this service and have deeply regretted not hiring a professional to capture the brief wonderful moments we had with our sweet daughter Delanie Faye.  We took pictures with our camera as best as we could but were so caught up in the moments that we really did not take many as we were just trying to soak up every minute of time with her and feel her warmth and love.  This wonderful local photographer asked to see the pictures and she returned some beautiful images to me in a beautiful slide show as a surprise.  I was taken back by how wonderful a gift I have been given and loved watching it about the first billion times I played it.  John and I thought many times on if we should share it with family and friends and decided the safest way would be to put it on our blog.  I know I have not been blogging lately but I do plan to restart blogging soon.  I did want to share this beautiful gift with everyone that loved and cared for Delanie Faye.  Please no sharing, no copying we are very private with Delanie Faye because in this world their are sick people and we would be crushed if her pictures got in the wrong hands and were used without our consent.


http://www.shareitvideo.com/watch.php?v=241555889270721


Here is the link to her slide show and the password is Delaniefaye
larger view on the weblink 

Or watch below

Thank you to the beautiful angel photographer that helped us out with this wonderful gift

http://www.collstreetphotos.com

Life is a current

Seems like when you have rough waters ahead life has a way of speeding up the current to keep you busy to get you thru hard times with more ease.  That is what it was like for John's dad death we were so busy we really didn't have time to stop and soak in the moment that he was actually gone.  Life's current kept us alive, it kept us ever moving on to the new moments and chapters in life.  This weekend we had taken Kinley to the doctor's on Friday and they had diagnosed her with a ear infection but really just fluid in the ear.  We started her on amoxicillin Friday around 4pm.  Woke up Saturday morning to a very allergic hive covered baby.  But nonetheless she was very happy and didn't suspect anything was wrong.  She woke up her normal babbly self.  So we called the doctor and talked and decided to keep her antibiotic free for at least 48 hours since she had never ran a fever and the ears never seemed to bother her either.  So the start of our day!  We fed Dustin breakfast and my mom was here Kinley of course got her's as well.  John and I both wanted a couple moments together so we went out to breakfast and granny stayed with the kids.  We both were at a loss how do you begin to celebrate or not celebrate your lost child's birth?  Really all we wanted was to be with eachother so that is what we did.  We went to the store and got things to cook all meals at home so that we wouldn't have to leave again.  We got home and just spent the day doing average stuff but all together.  I silently watched my little family play on the floor and kept imagining a little two year old sneak up on her daddy from behind on the floor and tackle him.  I know she would be the silent fiesty type, maybe with strawberry blonde curls and fiery blue eyes.  I wished she would be there to make the whole day more clearer on what exactly was supposed to happen.  It's so easy to throw your child a birthday party when they are here but there is no handbook on what you do when they are gone?  Sunday came and Kinley's rash got much better we again stayed close but no real plans we just wanted to be together.  Monday morning we were back to the doctor where we both decided no antibiotics for Kinley because really it was fluid trapped and hopefully it would start to clear up on it's own and we would watch for signs of infection.  We bought a head band to help keep the water out of her ears since she likes to splish and splash in the bath tub.  She really is a water baby.  The week slowly went on and the allergins got higher and since I was not on my allergy meds due to breastfeeding you can imagine this Thursday I am in a sinus attack and sick praying it is just allergies because I am having severe issues on being scared Kinley will get sick.  To other people they might brush it off.  To me I picture any cold giving her RSV and her slipping away from us.  To someone that has had the worst case senerio happen this is what runs thru my head which sends me into full anxiety attacks.  I know this is something I slowly have to deal with and with time I will get stronger and more faith and I will trust that Kinley will get stronger each day to fight what comes her way.  Yes logically I can talk myself down.  But everything is still over running in my head that something will take her away from us.  I constantly need to touch her to feel her and yes is may seem to others that I may be spoiling her but really I am not soothing her, she is soothing me.  She is breathing on me to let me know she can.  I feel her warmth cause it's there and I smell her because she is so sweet and I just breathe the moment in.  Really makes you think not to judge others in their parenting because you never know what that mother or family has been thru.  And yes I am very guilty in this thinking my way of raising a child is the way to go!  But each child is different and with each child the mother evolves into something else something new that is only meant for that child.  Each child making her grow and change into a new person, more educated, more peaceful, more logical and maybe just maybe learning to take things as the come and know that life is ever changing and there is really nothing we can do about it.  All we can do is enjoy this day and pray for the next.  Each night I do this.  I pray for our next day I pray in thanks for all the things that could have gone wrong but didn't.  I pray for all the unknown blessings that slipped into my day without me knowing. 

April 5th...

The counting never ceases to amaze me how it seems to continue even though you think you have gotten passed that in your life you never really truly do.  Tonight I am counting again.  Two years ago I would be sitting in bed tonight telling John I was crazy but I felt something was wrong.  But all the signs where there that she was okay and healthy.  She even had the hiccups that night but I told John I thought they felt different.  She was moving so not much to alarm there.  I kept checking her heart tones that evening with the doppler because I just felt like something was wrong.  Her heartbeat was fine and a beautiful sound to hear.  I kept reassuring myself that I had way to much time on my hands and that strict bedrest had finally caused me to lose my mind.  I went to sleep that night saying in my head if I still feel this way tomorrow morning I will just go in to be safe.  That morning I awoke to a still baby..there was no breakfast demands like usual.  She was silently sleeping, she was gone.  She silently slipped away in the night right inside of me and I didn't even know it happened.  What time was it?  What happened?  What did she think and did she know how much I loved her and how much I needed her?  All I was left with was emptiness and questions and pain.  I miss her spirited little self I love her so dearly.  How much time has changed but some feelings never seem to.  I remember myself this night last year.  I was in bed in the dark and didn't want to be near anyone in this world.  I missed her my heart ached with all it's might and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain.  I felt even more empty and that the universe had to have hated me as I had started my period again...another sign that I was even more empty and there was no baby growing inside me and I was wondering if I would ever have the chance to love again to be a new mother again and to give my family another member to love.  I was at such a low point.  If I only had known there was light around the bend and that about 21 more days from that point I would get the surprise of my rainbow on the horizon.  A new journey beginning a gift from her sister.  Yes Kinley Raye has brought light thru the darkness and my arms are holding tight to her tonight but yes I still ache for my sweet first born daughter to be in my arms again.  Forever missing you my love. 

Please no sharing or copying

Good Friday

Kinley's first good Friday!  Dustin was happy to be off school and had a great day by getting to do his favorite things in life!  Stay in his pj's and play games and have a movie day!  I have been exhausted with my little Kbug so I was happy to join him in a full on PJ day!  I did dress Kinley in a little Easter onesie today and snap a few pictures.  I made Dustin all the meals he wanted today soup and sandwiches for lunch and I made homemade bacon, cheese and chicken hot pockets for dinner!  I have really been getting into cooking lately and trying to be a better momma and little wife!  I just wish I had about 80 hours more sleep to do that!  It's been one of those weeks where the house is a little dirtier then usual but kids are happy and mommy is exhausted but in utter paradise!  Kinley has been gassy and spitting up this past couple days.  I think it is my over active let down while breastfeeding.  She is strictly breastfed so no formula woes there.  Hoping it starts to ease up and we get back to normal nursing soon I really think it was just a growth spurt and now she has to adjust to the new flow of things.  Right now I should be sleeping and catching up on dreams but my head is full of things and I need to unwind.  I am just listening to the still of the house right now and enjoying it except for the barking shiz-su two house's down.  Dustin is snuggled in his bed with his fifty stuffed animals and blankets layed all just right and a kiss from momma on his forehead and Kinley is snuggled up in her bassinet beside me snoozing away.  She will more then likely stay asleep either until 1am or sometimes she will sleep until 3am for a feeding then back to sleep until 6am then back to sleep sometimes until 8am.  Which is nice!  I look at her laying beside me and just watching her sleep I miss her even though I am exhausted I miss her...At this point in the night I am staring at her and saying how I wish I could FFWD to her 3 am feeding to nurse and love her again.  I will never mind getting up in the night to feed her because yes I miss her.  But yes I miss sleep too I wish I could do both at the same time!  I am excited about her first Easter John and I bought her the most precious dress that I am wanting to see her in so badly.  I bought a polo for Dustin to match her as well and I want to see them together.  I so am always thinking about my sweet Delanie daily wishing I could have bought her a dress to match her siblings.  I know this is how it will be for the rest of my life always having that missing link there and wondering the what if's.  I am so grateful Kinley is here but wishing I had all three of my children filling up my home and keeping me up even more at night.  Delanie would have been turning two next week and I can't help but think of how much fun she would be right now picking up eggs and twirling in her dress and shoveling cookies and cupcakes in her mouth and getting a lolly pop stuck in her hair and driving me mad trying to keep her clean when all she would want to do is play in the dirt with her brother more then likely.  I wish I was that busy mom even more then I am.  I wish we were outnumbered LOL  But I will take my blessings at least I had her at least she is my daughter my first born daughter.  I will count my blessings and watch my children that I have with me grow but I will never forget that missing link and will always think of her daily. 

My heartbeats

This is what makes my heart beat 

My Newborn time

I know I have neglected this blog tons and got so behind that I didn't quite know how to write to catch up or go about it.  So I will label this my "newborn time" as now my baby is officially not a newborn but a infant since she is now 3 wonderful months old.  I can tell you that my path to this beautiful rainbow has been full of surprises and emotions and challenges.  Yes the emotions of my sweet Delanie have been there and heavy as she will never not once ever be forgotten.  When Kinley even came out I sucked in a short breath for a time because yes she looks so much like her sister.  When Kinley is sleeping she looks like her sleeping older sister Delanie.  I watch this wonderful little person grow and many of times wonder what her sister would have been like and what wonderful milestones she would have reached and how soon and how she would complete them.  Yes I think of this daily.  Kinley has brought so much light and happiness to my life.  Each day I feel like I won the lottery and that is not a over saying it.  I know there is the phrase once I get that baby I will never put her down.  Well that is me to in real life.  I really don't ever put her down, I don't stop watching her sleep and her chest rise and fall and listen to the air whistle softly in and out of her sweet body.  To me these things amaze me.  I lay my hand on her chest often and feel her heart beating against it.  I take all her cloths off and put her against my chest to feel her warmth.  I smell her constantly and rub my lips on her head.  I take nothing for granted and will never get enough of her closeness.  I know people may say that I spoil her but in my mind I just appreciate her I feel in my crazy mind she fought to be with us and chose us when I desperately needed her and I will spend every moment in my life thanking her for that.  I hold her so close as if she will disappear if I don't at times.  I love nursing her because yes we are that much closer.  Each thing in life I do compare to wondering how it would have been with her sister and I am sure as she grows that will not change.  In a way Delanie is living thru her I am seeing this little girl grow and though it is not my Delanie she is connected to her carrying her in this world.  She is my rainbow and when anyone thinks of her it is hard not to think of how she got here and that connects her to Delanie.  Everything about her brings me closer to her sister as well.  I will make sure she grows in life knowing her sister.  When I was little I was my mother's rainbow after she lost my brother Micah Ren stillborn as well I always knew of him and I would often think of him as I was the last child I always thought how sweet he was to give me his place in life.  I hope Kinley has the same respect for her sister.  Dustin talks about her as well and he is utterly in love with Kinley and he is always tending to her and loving her sweetly.  He can calm her and make her smile and now this week even get a slight giggle out of her.  She looks at him like he hung the moon at times and I have to say many times it takes my breath away.  I just can't say enough good things about her and what she has brought to our lives.  My husband my son everything in our lives have changed for the better with her near.  I also made a change with my husbands support to switch to a pool position at work where I would only work one shift every 4 weeks or as needed.  That is basically for me to socialize every now and then!  Course I have not worked one day yet and not sure if I will be able to but we will cross that bridge when I get there.  So I have loved my life living every waking and no waking moment for my children and husband.  There is no stress in leaving them and my husband makes sure of that thank goodness.  He understood the moment I prolly laid eyes on that baby that I would never leave her side for a long while.  All thru her hospital stay I never could leave her which is why I got so sick after because I could not sleep away from her even if for a few hours I would say I would sleep 4 hours but then wake up early to go back because I needed to be near her.  The true fact is I need her more then she needs me.  She feels me with everything good and everything bright after I have been in the dark for so very long.  So if people say you are spoiling her no I am not she is healing me she is spoiling me.  There is no spoiling when you can not get enough of your child's warmth, love, and sweet breaths against your skin.  Not when you have been thru everything that we have been thru.  Unless you have walked in our shoes you can never know the feelings we have been thru and will go thru for the rest of our lives.  My children and my husband so keep my heart beating and full of love.  Every night I am constantly counting my blessings thankful for each thing that could go wrong each day but doesn't.  I will try to write more everyday issues and update with pictures more often on our little journey of life.  Dustin is getting so big and of course Kinley daily.  I am growing in my journey as well as John and we are still pittering on our path just doing the best we can with one step at a time.  Thats the best you can do in life when you run or take to much at one time you are likely to fall.  We are pittering along!


Kinley Raye =)

Christmas and Kinley's home coming on the 26th!

Santa came!

Christmas outfit

carseat study

we passed!!  I get to go to the room with momma and daddy!

posing for mommy

about to go home!

In the car!

We did it!

More in the hospital room

first moments in the house

sign in front yar

Big brother loves her

So happy!

NICU times

Pictures of Kinley's NICU stay

Last Pregnancy Pictures

Last shots of me pregnant with Kinley right before we went into have her!

Done!  36+6 weeks

This mama was ready to meet her baby

A Raye of light thru the darkness

True to her middle name Kinley Raye shines thru every darkness when you least expect it.  She proved that the day she arrived brightly in this world.  I will try to remember as much detail as possible as she is already two months old and has kept me holding and loving her every possible moment of the days that have passed that I have not had much free time to sit relax and even ponder the day she brought so much light to us.  As I last wrote John's beloved father and my children's beloved grandfather left our lives suddenly.  We were trying to lay him to rest before Kinley was to make her appearance on the 20th.  I had my last high risk check up on Monday the 17th and she had told me at the appointment all was well and that we were okay for Thursday to do the c-section as scheduled at 37+1 days gestation.  Which worked great because that would mean Tuesday I could go to the funeral to say goodbye and get last minute things done and to give her poor father time to mourn his father and also nurse a horrible case of the flu.  Yes John the Saturday before tested positive for the flu things were definately raining on us.  My beautiful long time dog passed away, John's father passed away and then John came down with the flu just days before his daughter was scheduled to enter the world.  We did what we could and I slept on the couch and John was locked in our room with tamiflu and all.  We tried very hard to keep it contained.  By Tuesday John was much better and the doctor told us he would no longer be contagious by Monday night thanks to the tamiflu.  Tuesday morning we both got up early to get ready to lay his father to rest.  I had been extremely tired from taking care of John and Dustin and sleeping on the couch and trying to help as much as I could as after 36 weeks they told me I could be off bedrest.  So we quietly spent that morning rushing around the house not saying to much because we knew this day would be hard.  We got in the car and started to drive towards John's parent's house to pick up his mother and ride together as a family.  On the way to the house the phone rang.......it was Dr. Mcfarland.  She informed us that she had been up most of the night thinking about us and that the baby's SD ratios were off enough to deliver that the baby was to be born today and they scheduled the c-section for 4pm and that we needed to be at the hospital by 12 noon to get my clotting labs drawn for surgery....shock....the funeral was at 9:45 I asked if I could go and she said yes but after to go to the hospital.  I hung up the phone and turned to my husband with mixed emotions part happy to meet my child that was moving around inside me at the exact moment, then sad because I knew he would not want her born on this day of mourning, scared because his recent illness and our delicate soon to be newborn.  So many emotions...then I turned to him and told him what the doctor said.  At first I could see the hurt on his face and shock and almost anger at a glance.  Then after a few moments of silence he held my hand and we were fine.  We both decided to not tell anyone at the funeral and not his mother until his father was mourned and respects were paid.  We did not want to make it about us and the baby coming this was his father's time.  This was one of the hardest things to do.  We picked up John's mom she had made us breakfast I had to decline which I know she thought was odd seeing as I was 9 months pregnant declining food and drink.  We hurried along and left for the funeral and stopped at starbucks for coffee's for John because starbucks is what calms him and he needed it.  I again declined something to drink but thankfully nothing was made a big deal.  We arrived at the funeral and everything was so peaceful and the weather was perfect even a gentle breeze in the military cememtery.  Loved ones were arriving and everyone that greeted me also teased, asked, or commented on how pregnant I was and how only two more days and she would be here.  I lied to everyone and agreed.  It was also in the sermon how Grandpa John was so excited to be meeting Kinley on the 20th and the pastor asked us about it and I quietly nodded my head.  The service was beautiful and a sweet signature of our lovely butterflies were all around.  Delanie and Grandpa were together he had finally got to hold her and I thought about them standing around us not alone holding eachother and grandpa taking the very best of care of her and I am sure spoiling her rotten.  It made me smile. After the service we said our goodbyes to each guest and thanked everyone for coming as it was a large supportive turn out.  He was so loved and so well respected and so very very much missed.  Earlier we had called my sister and her husband to pack my things and bring them to us since she knows everything we needed.  Jerry and Chloe came to the service as well with my bags tucked away secretly in his truck.  We told them we had not told anyone yet and to meet us at John's parents house after the service and after we had told his mother privately.  On the way home we drove and talked about how the service was.  John sighed....he told his mother that today would be the day Kinley would arrive in the world.  I told her I was sorry but she was not sad she was happy and was shocked but ready to meet Kinley as well.  We talked to whole way home and made plans for her and Dustin and called family to let them know Kinley was coming.  We dropped Dustin and Sharon off at the house and then set off for the hospital.  We talked about worries and happiness and the emotions seemed to switch back and forth fastly.  We arrived at the hospital and were quickly prepped and ready for surgery and then waited in holding for a long while since we had to be there early for my clotting labs to be drawn we had alot of time to kill after.  We waited and spent alot of precious time together.  John made me laugh we teased eachother and happiness started to sink in her light already starting to shine thru.  I kept thinking each time I looked at the clock we finally made it in just a short hour I would be holding my baby.  I would be holding a warm baby she would be crying she would be breathing air in her little lungs, she would be nursing family would be happy.  All these dreams I had would be coming true.   Four o'clock came around and we were wheeled nervously in the OR.  All my nurses were wonderful.  My doctor's were wonderful the mood of the whole room was calm and happy it was so much different.  My spinal was perfect and on the first try!  I thanked the doctor and kept repeating he was a sweet god!  We joked it was because his first name was also John.  My OB was there on time and she was sweet and encouraging me and happy for us.  The surgery started and I just waited and prayed please cry please cry I just needed to hear a cry a beautiful cry none of my children have ever cried I needed to hear a cry of a healthy baby.  After what seems like a hour but was really about 10 short minutes I finally heard the wail of my beautiful baby girl and the it's a girl screamed in the OR this was it this was the moment I had waited for.  I looked to my left at the little warmer waiting there and saw my baby girl they were cleaning her off and she was still crying and crying and it was beautiful music to my heart and ears.  Just then my wonderful friend and doctor a neonatologist Dr. Basaldu came in the OR to share the experiance and care for our little girl!!  It meant alot to me she had raced across town to be by our side and witness our sweet miracle baby.  During her first few moments of life I noticed she had grunted and being a nurse I picked up on it right away.  I kept telling them make her cry make her cry more I wanted her lungs to open up.  They weighed her and she was a beautiful 6 pounds 14 oz and 19 1/4 inches long.  She was stating well so they were going to attempt sending her to the newborn nursery but in my heart I knew she would not be there long as I kept hearing the signs of some distress in her grunting.  Dr. B brought her to me and put her skin to skin with me while they were closing and huddled closely over us and said a prayer her first prayer while I cried the entire time it meant alot to me.  After she was swaddled and I saw a beautiful moment shine her father holding her cradled in his arms a mask over his face but a smile shining thru that no one could hide.  He was rocking her back and forth.  I watched and remembered the moments I had seen him do that with our sweet Delanie.  Now he could smile and hold his warm baby and do the same with her.  They took her then to newborn nursery,  I instructed John to go and stay with her I was fine and was comfortable.  After I was closed I was taken back to my same holding area for recovery.  Family came back a few at a time  they had already got to see Kinley in the nursery and were all hyped and smiles and it was wonderful to see.  I was happy they got to see her because I knew in my heart she would not be there long I knew she was destined for NICU.  I asked the recovery nurse if they could please get me a room closer to the NICU because I knew she would be going there shortly.  A mother and a mother nurse knows... I also wanted to avoid the floor that we were on prior with Delanie as I was scared it would effect John.  We were told our room and then they informed us that the baby would be going to NICU....not shocked...I told everyone.  Before Kinley was taken to the NICU she was brought by recovery shortly for me to hold her and Dustin was also back there with John.  I got to show her to Dustin and he got to touch his sweet sister he was inlove I could see it in his eyes he was happy to finally have her too.  We held her for a couple moments then she was off to the NICU.   My recovery nurse was so nice that she said she would take me in the stretcher to see her in the NICU before going to my postpartum room to see that Kinley was settled.  We arrived to the NICU just after Kinley had so they were still admitting her.  I could see her stats were still good but she was still grunting pretty badly and I hoped she would transition out of it in about 4 hours as alot of time babies do especially c-section babies.  I know that from my experiance.  After visiting with her shortly we were wheeled to my room where I was told I needed to stay in bed at least 6 hours after surgery so that meant 6 hours without her?  Umm...no anyone that knows me knows I can't stay away from my babies.  I greeted family members and that kept me busy for a little while.  Then I started trying to will my legs to start moving because come hell or high water I was getting in a wheel chair shortly to see my baby.  I had already been gone from her for almost 2 hours and I was missing her greatly and needed her close even just to sit there.  I ended up talking the nurse into letting me go in a wheel chair I kept telling her it's night shift no one will know!  I couldn't stay away any longer or I was going to lose it.  After getting to the NICU Kinley was placed on high flow nasal canula.  I knew then she was not coming out to me.  She was still struggling even on the high flow but they hoped it would resolve thru the night.  This did not happen sadly the next morning Kinley was placed on CPAP because she got much worse.  Thru the next few days she stayed the same in distress and on high amounts of CPAP and still stating poorly at times.  We waited and I pumped and stayed close to her even just sitting staring at her made me feel better.  Days passed and I was ready to be discharged but couldn't leave her couldn't bare the thought.  Thankfully after discharge I was able to room in because I was so diligently pumping and caring for her making it to every feeding except her 3 am one to rest.  I was given a room in labor and delivery because for the holidays it was quiet and empty.  More days passed and I continued to care for her not caring for myself much at all barely eating and swelling horribly.  I could feel my blood pressure creeping up but ignored it.  I had to care for her.  Days passed and she was doing so much better.  She was switched to nasal canula and tolerating it much better.  Christmas Eve she was taken off oxygen completely and feeding was going well.  Christmas Eve I sadly left after her 9 pm feeding because I had a sweet little boy that still needed a Christmas morning.  I had to think of him as well.  I cried the whole time being torn.  We woke up at 6 the next morning and shared Christmas with our son and John's mother as we stayed at her house because I refused to go home without another baby.  I was not walking in that front door empty handed again.  John's parents house is closer to the hosptial so I could do feeds better as well.  After Christmas morning we left to go to her 9 am feeding.  We got a call from the hosptial scared to death I answered the phone.  It was Dr. Johnson her neonatologist I braced myself my heart sinking as I feared she went back on oxygen or had some turn for the worse since the last time I called about a hour before.  She then sweetly told us that our baby girl was almost ready to go home and to come up there and room in and then we could take her home in the morning!  Our Christmas miracle!  They said our room would be ready after 2 pm.  I was so happy!  We came back home to have lunch with Dustin and John went to our house to grab more cloths and stuff that we needed.  I started feeling really badly and took my BP it was 160/110.  I paged the oncall dr and she was worried I was throwing a clot.  I was instructed to go to the hospital ER to be evaluated.  I cried the whole time on the way there as John's mom drove.  John was going to meet us there and John's mom was going to then leave with Dustin and go back to her house.  I walked in the ER crying the whole time.  My EKG was off but it was stable they started running tests and I kept threatening to leave because it was so hard my baby girl was just two floors up waiting for me in her crib and I was going to be able to take her to a room and be with her and was stuck in the ER.  My BP kept going up and down.  They told me I would need a CT scan with contrast.  I cried more because that would mean I couldn't breastfeed for 24 hours.  It was horrible I kept thinking just when things were getting better this happened.  The doctor tried to help me get out before 3pm so I could get to her.  My scan came back fine and they think my BP was up due to stress and fatigue and I had not taken my thinners for a day and my nexium.  I was given a extra dose of thinners and my BP went down slightly.  I was discharged.  I ran to the NICU I needed to touch her I needed to hold her.  I ran in and rocked and rocked her it had never felt better.  We then got to take her to a room.  It was Christmas day and I had her in a room.  All that we had been thru and I didn't even care anymore.  I didn't care about Christmas I just cared about this little person in my arms.  I dressed her in Christmas outfits and tried to make a few memories for her to look back on.  John had to find somewhere to get us some food because everything was closed.  We finally found a ihop and he brought it back to the room it was the wrong order and had no syrup but I still didnt care I was still so happy to have her with me.  I spent the night pumping and dumping my precious milk and feeding her and loving her and being a little mommy to my sweet newborn.  The next morning we awoke early and Dr. Johnson came in and told us to go home!  We were so excited I think we were out of there in about 20 minutes dressed and ready!  We were leaving!  We were leaving to take our alive breathing warm baby girl home!  On the way home I nervously felt like everyone was trying to secretly hit our car.  I know every nervous parent goes thru that.  Once we drove up we were greeted by a beautiful sign welcoming our baby girl home that my nieces made by hand themselves.  I was wonderful!  My house was fully decorated and cleaned by my sister and brother in law and their children!  Finally things were starting to fall in place and happiness was taking over.  We arrived in the house and finally I started to relax.  We waited for John's mother to get there with Dustin and John's grandmother.  Our family would soon all be together under one roof!  Finally Dustin got there and he was totally inlove with his sister and we all shared some time together.  Our little Kinley Raye finally here finally in our arms finally healthy.  Light shining bright.


I will add NICU pictures on another post and put birth pictures below

enjoy our Kinley Raye!