Life Changes

Life is ever changing and it goes ahead rather you are ready or not.  You must bend and ease into each transition as gracefully as possible and thru age and life experiances it doesn't nessiarly make you more wise it makes you more graceful in a matter able to bend and transition because you know there isn't anything you can do but go with it and hopefully bend a little more your direction.  I know it sounds like riddles printed here in black bold words but in my head it seems to make since in some way and if you were in my head you would be nodding and saying how bright we both are....=)  Today has been a up and down day for me.  Somedays you seem to live more then others in a way there is so much want and need for things in my life and in my head but then sometimes when I try to act out on them the hunger and need seems to fade back into some length of despair.  Life is so much different now my views seem to ever change never really knowing which direction they will get until I get there.  That is my life these days.  Day by day breath by breath.  Sometimes I dream of her and when I think of her it almost seems like a bad memory at times then at other times a dream come true because of her sweet face and I was so able to hold and view her.  Yes pondering tonight holding back alot to this post.....may not be the last one tonight

Happy New Years 2012

Well I know I am late in this posting for sure!  Been thinking about it though and really trying to pinpoint my exact feelings on this year of 2011 being over and done with.  Well that is the thing now that I am typing it out on the computer screen it isn't done with in a way.  There will always be a open piece to this year 2011 that we can never close or put behind us but nor would I want us to.  It's hard to say this year has been the worst year of our lives because I feel guilty for saying that about my daughter and her traumatic birth.  Because like I have always said if I had the choice to do it again given the same outcome just to have her with me for that amount of time I would.  So yes 2011 was a hard year and a year for many lessons and learning as I feel some days I am a newborn again in this world,  I can't say it was the worst ever because there can always even in our situation be worse and it brought me my beautiful daughter.  I wouldn't take those moments with her back for a million dollars even if it would mean getting rid of this grief and pain.  She was so worth it and if you all could have met her in person you would have thought the same.  She is still in my thoughts everyday and I am never seeing that changing.  I have always wondered with friends of grief how often they think of their lost children and never believing with time it would still be everyday but now I am believing in some way or another its still every minute because you in some ways carry them with you always.  So weird to really type that out and look at it and I know to the normal population it seems weird and hard to explain but you seem to always feel this weight?  Not a burden but something not quite sad not quite happy but always there.  This year I do feel a since of freshness and new HOPE.  A friend of mine gives a word to each new year and I thought about it and that is all I can think of is HOPE and HEALING.  Faith because yes I still have mine.  I think god nightly for my Delanie and choosing me to be her mother.  I always say poor Delanie I feel so honored because maybe in heaven she was trying to choose a family and knew she only had a short time so she needed to pick a family that would be able to love and care for her and show her what this world was about in a short time and she chose us.  It had to be a hard choice but I am thankful she made it.  I am now thankful I was on bedrest all those grueling months because it gave me more bonding time with just me and her and feeling each move and kick and celebrating them deeply.  I miss the days laying in bed and talking to her and watching her twist and turn from the outside.  I am so thankful I am so blessed to have had the chance to be with her so closely and bond so tightly.  So for 2012 I am hoping more healing for my family and our still broken hearts.  More lessons in life that we can survive thru.  I am still living on faith and that god will lead me on the path I was meant to lead and help me make the daily choices to follow it.  I pray for good health for my little family and happiness.  2011 is behind us and I have to say it was sad to leave it behind a little but good in another way.  I am no longer the mother that lost a child this year.  I am the mother that lost her child last year.  Almost 9 months ago now.  How much time can make such a difference in some peoples lives.  This time last year I was still working and on the 7th would be my last day of work before going on STRICT bedrest until April 6th when she came into the world.  It was a hard time but so well worth it.  So here is to 2012 and all that it brings us please lord help us heal and do better in life. 

Heartbeat

So there is a saying to have a child is to forever walk around with your heart beating outside your body.  So what do you do if that heart is not beating but no longer belongs to you?  We had a wonderful full day of family and blessings this Christmas but all day I would share looks with my husband and look around and think about what life would be like if we were giggling over a toddler learning her steps for the first time in a dress that would be way too poofy for her and pretty shoes that were more then likely a size too big, chasing her around trying to put bows back in her hair for family pictures.  Almost sounds like a busy crazy day for normal people but it sure would be heaven for us.  Through out the day no one mentioned her name no one said anything no one even gave us looks of "I'm sorry"  which I didn't ask for and not sure I wanted them too.  Might have been to much.  The only one who really channeled in because she can feel me was my best friend and her god mother.  I just would think to myself she is forgotten already.  Even though I know she might have been on everyone's minds and they might have just been protecting us.  We were still having a great time but all the time thinking we should have done something more for her to make her presence known.  Besides our normal fresh Christmas flowers in a vase next to her urn and candles lit we should have done something more.  But then I feel sometimes a little shameful because I feel like I might talk about her to much or drive people insane with my grief so I constantly guard myself about what I say and when.  The thing is that the grief is still fresh and yes I still think of her constantly and I am still young in my grief path and I am still learning how to live this new life and part of me is like a baby learning my way thru.  But if ever a fear of me not moving forward I am just with her in tow.  I just think I can't believe it has been almost 9 months since I held her 9 months ago tonight she would still be alive and wiggling around and amazing me daily with her strength and I would still be the happiest I have ever been in life with my beautiful family almost completed.  Some people may think I am a dweller and that I should move on but only if they have held their lifeless child and see how perfect they are just sleeping could they judge me or tell me how to feel and since that catagory only fits a small amount of people thankfully in this world I wouldn't bet on many people telling me that.  She mattered so much and I wish daily I could go back to holding her and kiss her a little more and take more pictures and share more with her.  Sometimes I just stare at her little urn and can't believe that my hopes and dreams and hard long pregnancy and suffering and beautiful daughter are all wrapped up in a little metal pink box.  Life can be so beautiful one moment and then so harsh and dark and ugly a breath later.  The lessons this path has shown me are extremely valuable and are treasured because it has changed my outlook and sympathy to a whole other level.  But I would trade it back for the innocent outlook I shared prior for her in a heartbeat.  Christmas brought so many happy times in the day but in the stillness of the night came the emotions and thinking and yet again grief.   Sometimes I still dream like she is with me and nothing happened and for those dreams and moments they are wonderful the feeling of blissful happiness is back until I wake up and the hard reality hits once again.  But even though they are just brief moments they sure are worth it.  Just like her short time here even though it was short it sure was worth it.  I thank her so much for choosing us and am so blessed to have felt her held her kissed and loved her.  She was worth it she was so worth it.  Delanie mommy and daddy and all your family love you we miss you and will love you always and forever.  You will constantly be in my thoughts and heart. 

Silent Night...

I really am reaching out for feelings day by day during this holiday season.  I am feeling the feelings of grief on and off the anger, anguish, should of could of's, why me's and depression then among the also a wonderful feeling of blessed from time to time.  Because I am experiancing them because god gave me a chance.  God gave her to me and I must be thankful for that otherwise I am being rude.  I am blessed to have had her even for a short time.  My mind is just wondering more these past few days on what she would be doing right now and how I wish she were here and things were different.  I didn't take down decorations from the attic for a long while.  We bought new ornaments for the tree because of a new kitten and we didn't want our nice ones broken.  I finally opened the box from last year and BAM a bunch of bought baby ornaments people had given me for Christmas last year when we announced that we would be giving birth to a little girl.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and then in the back of my mind when I opened the box I starred down at them and slowly touched them because I was thinking the last time I touched them I was so happy and glowing and so excited and maybe just touching them I might feel a hint of that wonderment again.  But they didn't hold it like some sacred object I slowly put the lid back on and turned away.  Next year I will deal with them but this year, this year I am taking it easy and facing things as I can and will just focus on breathing and making it another day at a time.  This year is almost over and for that I am happy.   I am just praying that 2012 brings us so much more happiness and smiles.  We need it deeply and desperately lord please lead me on this path I am meant to follow to happier times please help me make the choices correctly to get there.  Heavy hearted tonight but praying.

Hello World

So every morning on my way to work I think of blogs and talk about them in my mind.  Then I say I am going to come home and finally start writing again but then make excuses.  I have no idea why.  I think because right now is such uncertain times on feelings with the holidays and just the yearning all around.  My arms seem to ache a little harder these days.  I wonder a little more what she would look like right now and for some strange reason I think about putting tights on her little legs and watching her crawl with them.  Just the little things others prolly take for granted I yearn for and dwell on.  Other babies do not bother me one bit and baby things just make me want her here to buy them all up.  I want my baby not someone elses so that part is concrete in my brain.  I still enjoy babies and love my job of course.  I still love to smile and wave at them in the store they don't always make me think of her because they are simply not what I am yearning for, she is irreplaceable.  Some days I think of how blessed I am and honored god chose me to love her for her short time.  God chose me for this life lesson.  I feel so close to my sister's and brother's of loss and when I meet a new couple at work it breaks my heart to know the path they have started on and all the twists and turns of the journey I know so well ahead of them.  The want to wake that sleeping baby in front of you.  But I wouldn't have it any other way.  I desperately want to be there for them because like no one else I can say I UNDERSTAND and mean it and fully can.  I have rocked a sleeping baby and prayed for a breath or any sign of life.  I have kissed her hello and goodbye just like they will have to be strong enough to do.  I just wish everyone could understand how much this effects a mother or father or any other family member or friend of loss and how in the profession we should do everything possible for them to ease any amount even though it is only a SMALL amount of pain they are and will go thru.  This mother takes home all her hopes and dreams empty handed in a wheel chair all wrapped up in a memory box filled with mementos and pictures and footprints.  That is all she gets.  Its so important that she at least gets that to hold on to.  I am going to try to start another fund raiser at work in hopes I can get more done for my families of loss.  Heart hurts not only for my family and friends this holiday season but for all the families missing someone special around the tree this year for the first time.  It seems my phrase that comes to mind all the time lately is I just wish things were different.  I just wish this wasn't happening.  I just wish we could be happier with her here too.  But they are the way they are and we are stronger because of it.  We love thru thick and thin and we just hang on that one unchanging thing, Our love.  Its never ending and never fading loss can't take that away.

Video last year on Christmas

This is the video last year on Christmas that we posted to the public to let everyone know what sex Delanie was please do not post or like or comment on this video just view if you would like.


http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10150144953490898

Sorry

I have been thinking about this blog daily and in my head on my way to work is I almost post daily in my head.  Weird I know LOL I talk to myself as if I am writing in the blog and saying out loud how I feel and the still unusualness (if even a word) of the path that I am on and leading.  I feel sometimes in this blog I talk about loss and Delanie to much and I think people might be sitting back and thinking GOD woman get over it.  But then I remind myself this is my blog and people who come here choose to and can very well choose not to.  Either way it helps calm madness in my brain.  I do want to do more daily family posts as well.  I plan on decorating the christmas tree with Dustin and John today and also the house.  Much later this year we usually have it done by now.  To tell you the truth I have not been in the holiday season.  Thanksgiving I spent alone but it is really what I preferred and I was fine with it.  I was sick and nursing a cold and did not want to get anyone else sick.  But I think really it was what was best for me in truth.  I think it eased alot of pain.  So thanksgiving wasn't bad but for some reason I think Christmas will be.  Christmas last year was so much fun and we had announced what sex of the baby we were having and her wonderful well thought out name.  A strong beautiful name that we picked perfectly.  It was a beautiful time and beautiful moments that I am so very happy we got to share.  This little baby brought so much happy moments in her short life and I treasure them.  I just sometimes want to rewind to the moment of those and just suck up every oz of happiness and love and warmth and really relish those moments that at the time I didn't realize how exactly precious they were.  Losing Delanie has taught me many valuable lessons in life.  How to treasure things a little more and take in the senses of each moment.  How to help others thru this crazy path of pain and grief.  How to help them treasure what they have left.  I still stick to my faithful saying to Delanie "if I could choose again, I would still choose you".  I am blessed.  I am very blessed with the LOVE of my life and the most wonderful father in the world and my VERY healthy miracle child Dustin and my very beautiful personal angel.  I am very blessed to have the chance to be a mother to two beautiful children.  My boy and my girl <3  To have the wonderful family I do.  I love my parents all sets.  Even my Kookie mother and her silly ways.  My MIL for her wonderful wisdom and unwavering love and support.  I am blessed.  I have much more then others.  Count your blessings as small as they are each day because the negatives will drown you fast.