Why tonight hurts so much...

Tonight would be the last time I felt her last time I heard her heartbeat she had the hiccups a little after 930pm.  Tonight sometime while I was sleeping my baby died.  She left us.  I felt funny the hiccups felt distant but I attributed that to her engaging and moving down since that is what babies do when they are getting ready to be born.  They drop into position.  She wasn't moving as much but she was still moving more then enough and healthy movements just felt down low.  I have never been pregnant so long before so again I thought this was normal for a 3rd trimester baby.  How I wish I could rewind to that night knowing what I know now and rush into a hospital and throw myself on a c-section table and save her.  But yes I know that is not the way it turned out and I know there is no turning back time.  After all I know all to well how this story ends.  I think about that night and how happy we were laying in bed together talking about the baby and how big she was and how in a few more weeks she would be laying next to us too.  I kept telling John I think I am going to the doctor's tomorrow I am feeling different and how I didn't want to take any chances and what would it hurt just to get checked out.  I wish that gut feeling would have been harder like a punch in the face harder.  I miss her deeply I miss the happiness she brought I miss the wholeness she gave us I miss the feelings of not feeling so much pain and emptiness and sorrow.  I miss the nieveness of life prior to experincing harsh grief.  It's like a head on collision in a car accident just hits you so suddenly you never knew it was coming and even if you did there is nothing you can or could do to stop it or reverse it once it hits.  The damage is already done. 

Starting my vacation....

We have labeled it "crazy week vacation" I don't know how I will feel from day to day but to just plan for it I took the week off to sort thru my feelings and have time to myself to feel things all the way thru.  Last week before I got this horrid sinus infection from the lovely oak I started feeling how I felt when I was at home after her birth like I needed to be outside or doing something like I felt fragile in a way.  Like I was weak and so broken then I somewhat felt like that again this past week.  The emotions have come in like waves but each one different lately.  I think about subjects to blog daily and write the blog out in my head but never seem to take the time or energy to write it out here.  I know I need to I know I will want to reread this all someday this long journey that is now about to hit the 1 year mark of my love's birth.  I think of the right nows right now I would be head over heels inlove and excited because tomorrow would bring some of the happiest memories I would ever share with my daughter.  Yes April 2nd last year was my baby shower I would be smiling and laughing with friends and rubbing my belly with a chubby little baby rubbing and kicking back.  Lifting my shirt and showing my family how she moves and watching everyone's eye's light up as they saw little feet skimming across my growing belly.  She was so healthy so happy inside me her heart was strong that day and life was perfect.  One boy, one girl, one happy inlove husband and joyous family and friends all around and nothing, nothing but happiness in the air.  The memories are precious and I am glad that I had my shower so that I can look back on that time with her and those moments forever trapped in my heart and brain.  I know how good life can feel I know how perfect it can seem.  Course I know the other end when a person's beauty bubble is popped but I am just choosing for tonight to think about before that bubble burst what it felt like before, before my heart was broken before sadness and despair took over smiles and laughter.  Before I entered this life long marathon of grief and exhaustion.  I will focus on her sweetness tonight and I will smile and dream of her sweet face.

Coming out of the fog...

Sometimes I feel like these days are on slow motion and I am sitting still watching them pass by and interacting and doing things but sitting by and witnessing it as well.  I feel like I am in a somewhat brain fog as I want to honor Delanie so dearly on her birthday but I just can't seem to make any plans and frankly I don't know what I can handle or what I am up for because on this path of grief you never know where or what you will feel until you really get to that moment in time.  It really makes me feel guilty because we never did a memorial service or funeral because I knew at the time I, we were not strong enough to sit thru it nor plan it.  The pain was to deep to raw and to intense.  I am just starting to get those feelings again because I am scared I will just want to hide away if I try to plan something.  And nothing I could ever plan seems to do her justice or is good enough.  When I think of it I just get into a drunk mind fog state of mind.  So I am not sure what will happen.  Easter is also that weekend which doesn't make things easier either.  Lord please bless us with strength and courage and wisdom for these next few weeks.  I just need to redirect my path and stand strong at the direction I choose and be well with my choice even if I think later it might have been the wrong one.  But in true might have been the right one at the time.  All you can do is live right?  Take a breath and wake up in the morning and repeat and focus on the rythym and pace of it.  That is life you automatically breathe its natural but the pacing and focus takes time and skill.  I feel like grief has made me wise beyond my years.  I feel my soul is so much older then before.  Just the way I look at life and others and situations has seemed to change forever.  Some for the good and some for the maybe worse.  I miss the nieve blissfulness of never knowing this little world existed.  But its life and its my life and all you can do is keep breathing right?  Count your blessings daily even the small ones so that you don't drown because those negatives will steady drown you.

Happy Birthday to my sweet son

So I am the official mother to a happy little 9 year old.  In alot of ways I am so thrilled and in utter happiness that Dustin is so happy and growing and healthy, but then there is that other side where the years just seem like they pass way to fast.  Just like every sad moment bring light to grief alot of times happy ones make it even worse or shine brighter.  I stood there thinking about how his birthday was last year I was still huge and pregnant and getting ready to welcome my little girl into this world and Dustin couldn't have been happier that he would finally not be "alone".  I had a hard time planning his party this year and put it off for awhile until time finally came to where it had to be dealt with fast paced.  I now find myself trying to figure out what I can deal with and plan for Delanie's up coming birthday.  It just should have been so much different.  I should be complaining about exhaustion of shopping for again a second birthday party and calling people and scheduling entertainment and finding her the perfect outfit and little cake to smush on her little face.  But I know that is just not how it is and I accept that I have for a long time but it doesn't make the hurt or the thought of it away.  I usually walk in the March of Dimes I usually compain and do it proudly.  I can't seem to wrap my head around it this year.  Adding yet again another baby to the page but this one with a sad ending and not a happy one like my sweet 9 year old.  It's so weird and mysterious the things that bother you and the things that don't so much.  You can never predict it or even try to make sense of it.  You just have to live it and get thru it one breath at a time.  I am not sure what tomorrow will bring but I can only hope and pray for sunny days, sweet smiles, and love..lots of love.  Thankful for the blessing I have and hold dear and cherish daily but missing the one that is gone as well.

My sweet son now 9 years old

Happy 11 months my love

I still find it hard to believe it has been this long since I have held her.  When  you see the months passing by it sometimes feels fast and then all in the same slow.  This journey has taken me so many places on so many levels I don't think words can ever truly describe every emotion that passes or comes to a parent who loses a child.  There are some emotions that are so mixed you sometimes can't even make sense if they are good or bad feelings all you know is it is a feeling of some sort.  I know it sounds really weird especially reading it back but maybe to some others they might feel like yes that makes total sense.  I find myself trying to wrap my head around my daughter's first birthday the day she was born into this world so silently but the wonderful day were I held her, kissed her and saw her sweet face and chubby cheeks.  A wonderful day but the worst day as well.  I wish I were planning it differently.  I am finding it hard to make plans to do anything but I know I want to and have a internal need to remember her on this day and do something for her and celebrate her life even though it was so short lived.  But I am still at a loss on what exactly that will be and how much I can handle really.  It brings back some of the memories on why we couldn't go thru with a funeral.  I am not sure what the exact emotions are its the fact that I should have been planning a welcoming party with proud grandparents and people arguing on who's nose she has and how happy they are that she was term and healthy and not premature and sick but instead it was a funeral to try to plan and that was earth shattering and something I could not wrap my head around.  Now with the "memorial birthday"  I should be planning her wonderful party with a smash cake and cute little baby tights on her chubby legs I should be watching her brother and her hold hands and him walking her around proudly and showing her different flowers and toys and helping her blow her candles out.  But that is just not the way it turned out to be and I understand that I truly do and I know I am blessed and very thankful for everything I have in life but it doesn't make the hurt of what is missing in this blessed life go away.  I am grateful for the lessons and some of the different outlooks on life they are only taught to the secret club of grief mothers and fathers.  I feel well educated on life and of death.  I have looked to not take things for granted but I learned this lesson with Dustin's birth as well.  I thought I had learned if fully but not until the birth of my second child.  Some days I still feel myself looking back on the week and realizing all the things I could of and should have done and then look at being thankful for all that could have happened in that week but didn't.  Good and bad there is always a balance.  It might of been a uneventful week where nothing got accomplished but then maybe that is not always a bad thing maybe you should look at it where it was a week where nothing went wrong.  Even small things like a appliance going out, car breaking down, job loss, illness.  It was a week without a major event.  Maybe not so bad of a outlook then......I will try to write more soon count your blessings daily, hourly, and by the moment....

Happy Angel Day my Love,  We love you so much

Strength and wear and tear....

Where do you derive your strength from daily?  Think about it...when you are weak where do you run to and what soothes you and gives you little doses of your natural strength and willingness to make things..life better.  I have been taking time to think this over after this past weekend of the proof that stress and grief work on your body as well as your mind.  I feel that right now after these many months of the marathon of grief and stress that this body of birthing a child and going thru the emotional toll of that marathon is showing signs of wear and tear.  My spirit and mind are still strong and foward facing on healing but my body does not seem to be on the same page.  I have been having chest pain and inflammation in my upper body and GI upset and I am thinking it is all due to the ongoing battery of stress.  I think it just pulled my number and like everything else I just have to figure out a way around and thru it and keep moving forward.  I know you are thinking good god get to a doctor and I have been and will be going more this week so I am evaluated and not having a heart attack.  My heart is broken still but continues to beat faithfully.  I am just trying to relax and my mind is constantly going deeper in life.  I thought about comfort and what it means to be comforted.  What works and where I run.  I run to my husband.  Anytime I am feeling weak I need him like a fish needs water.  I need to be near him and close to soak up any energy and sootheness.  I think about that and how much I deeply love this being god gave me and guided me thru this world too.  And it makes me realize that much more that he has a plan for me and my family.  I feel amazed that he thinks we are that special to pay such attention too.  I know people would think but your daughter died?  God like I have said before did not take her.  I have many theories about that.  1.  God didn't take her,  something happened that can and will happen in this world and he came and picked her up to make sure she felt no pain or sorrow or fear of being alone at the brink of death.  2.  Maybe poor Delanie only had a short life source but saw how much I wanted her and wanted a piece of that life a piece of that love even for just a short time.  She chose us for her short stay knowing we would show her the love of a life time before she even took a breath in this world. 3.  If I had to choose again with the same result.  I would still choose her.  So yes I think god knew me.  I think god knew I would still want her, still need her.  Though I would never choose this life lesson or path I am still richer for experiance.  I love and cherish and live just a little more.  I know my husband come hell or high water will be there holding my hand the whole way still telling me he loves me thru each twist and turn.  I know my family my husband, son and I can stay together thru anything or anyway life takes us.  So this is what keeps me strong my love and the love given to me. 

Waves

So sometimes grief is so exhausting.  Looking out the window today driving with my family I am sitting their pondering this thing called grief that has entered our lives.  I am thinking how exhausted I am and how it feels to struggle thru each day.  I was thinking if only people knew how hard it is to keep your head above water on a daily, hourly and by the minute need for air.  It like grief is the roaring ocean and you are stranded in the middle trying to survive with all the energy and will power you can possibly gather daily.  Doing your best to swim forward and try to hit some sort of land that you can finally rest and take a break at.  But never knowing how far you are from it or exactly where it is.  You swim and swim and struggle but are making it and you never know when a huge wave will take you under and you will have to struggle just a little more at that time to get back above the water and keep moving forward.  That is what grief feels like in a way this whole ocean anaology.  Constantly struggling for peace and resting and above all just a little hope.  Some days you tread the water and make way but other days its those hard waves that take you under and you have to spend the whole day just trying to get your head above water once again to get you back on the path towards land.  At least you hope you are going in the right direction towards land.  You can only follow your instinct and faith that it's in that direction and that what you are doing on the daily is what others call making progress.   You envy the time when you didn't know such pain.  Now you are a forever chronic pain sufferer.  Only no amount or no medications will ever help you.  So you just must learn to live with it and bare it and function and hope no one notices your off stare at times.  Because though your there talking sharing and even laughing at times...a peice of your heart is not with you and you will be forever thinking and missing that little piece and thinking about how you wish you could be whole again.  I have no regrets only deep love and with that deep love comes deep feelings of loss.  I know I will be okay I know I will survive but my dear baby girl I will forever be missing you and you will forever on the daily hold my gaze above the clouds wondering what you are doing and maybe what you would look and feel like with me down here.