Saturday....

So today we are feeling better, spent almost the whole day in the yard working were when we feel like this makes us feel better.  It's very healing and for all my child loss friends I highly suggest it.  I wanted to share some pictures of the yard even though after today it has changed again and I will update more current pictures tomorrow on my Easter post.  I also want to share some of the lovely gifts people gave us for Delanie's first birthday.  We were so happy she was not forgotten to many people and they helped.  We went to John's parent's house for a family get together this evening and it was wonderful to see alot of family that we had not seen in a while.  John's parent's bought us a beautiful butterfly bush for the gardens.  Dustin got his Easter basket from his grandparents and he was happy to see everyone.  I should have brought my camera to take pictures there but in the swing of the day and my aching brain I seemed to have forgotten to bring it.  I swear sometimes grief is like living life on "brain support"  you never seem to be fully functioning again.  Your mind constantly drifts to different areas and depths inside and sometimes you have no control when they wonder and how deep your thought will reach.  You learn to live and mold around these hmmm so called "episodes" and curve life and conversations around them.  I guess it would be like living with a learning disability in a way but you are still a functioning living individual.  So today alot of my thoughts were of course where we were last year and what we were doing.   Which has been happening all weekend long.  Examples were last night I was thinking oh my I would still be holding her right now touching her skin, watching her daddy sway with her across the room rocking her as if he needed to get her to drift back to sleep.  You never know how much you love the man in your life until you see him rocking gently your daughter and kissing her lightly on her forehead with such love and devotion.  I thought tonight around dinner time how we would then be making arrangements with the funeral home to come pick our sweet dream of a daughter up so that I could leave the hospital in the morning without looking back and thinking I was leaving her behind.  I just couldn't deal with the thought of that I had to make sure she left before I did.  I remember thinking how hard I thought it was leaving the hospital empty handed with Dustin but it didn't near compare to leaving empty handed with Delanie.  Being wheeled out with nothing but a swollen belly full of staples and a small box with what was left of my daughters memories and cloths.   No nothing compares to that.  I know that this week I will be thinking back to the distant memories of last year and I know many of them will hurt but to tell you the truth alot of my heart seems so numb that it doesn't hurt as much as people would assume or as much as I would assume.  I think my feelings are so exhausting and tears are so spent that its dulling out the intensity of the pain.  Or maybe as I always say I am just stronger at being a chronic pain sufferer.  So I wonder how long and just how much this week I will think back and replay.  Never know until you get there.  With all these "dates" you never know how you will feel until you get to that certain date and time.  There is no planning with grief.  I have been thinking of putting a slide show together and posting it on here about Delanie and her journey and I think I am ready to do it with John's help so that might be posting on here soon.  We shall see.  I will also post those updated pictures of the yard tomorrow.  Everything seems to be growing and branching out.  Delanie's small garden now keeps growing and surrounding the house but like I said its our therapy and when we are improving and making these beautiful gardens we feel better and closer to her maybe just closer to sanity or at least brief episodes of it =)  Enjoy the pictures it has already changed so much.

 These are from last week

  These are from Friday

drastic change took out the white rock and put in crushed granite and releveled

Her tree

Yard fixture =  )

Happy Birthday my sweet Delanie Faye

How I have dreaded this day for so many reasons and the emotions have come in waves throughout the day.  Some good some bad some calm some racing none ever really the same.  I really did not know what to expect today after all there is no handbook to losing a child then a second edition on life afterwards.  Through out the day each emotion changed and all I wanted to do was be close to John and outside.  Being outdoors calms both John and I.  When we are working in the yard bringing beauty and growing things to life that is when we feel closest to her.  It doesn't even have to be in her garden's just outside working in the dirt with love, sweat and tears.  Dear friends have felt our need for that and have been so sweet to give Delanie and us many outside gifts.  My heart is happy that on her birthday we did unwrap gifts of love they were meant for her and for our comfort and they were much needed and greatly appreciated.  We spent most of the day at nurseries around New Braunfels and even all the way up in Kyle we drove and drove it helped.  We held hands and hugged alot shared silent smiles and thoughts.  Sometimes the feelings seem so fresh like her death was just yesterday the feeling of being in the room of holding her close and all the rush of emotions of that evening and day seem to be sneaking into my mind.  I remember that night with the pain SO intense if I could just fast forward a year from now and maybe the pain won't be so bad.  And yes the pain is still as bad but I am stronger and grow stronger each day in tolerance of this chronic pain suffered by all parents of loss.  This weekend I will be making posts on here with pictures and different things all for Delanie so stay tuned her birthday is all weekend long I will be posting updated garden pictures as well.  Thank you all for your love and support and greatly needed prayers.  I wish I could write more tonight and post some of the pictures I have planned but I am exhausted both emotionally and physically and am in need to try to sleep and hope and pray the nightmares stay away tonight and pray that its only sweet dreams.  Wanted to share a poem my sweet friend shared with me today.  Happy Birthday my love mommy and daddy and brother love you so very much Delanie Faye.

"It's my first birthday in heaven,
what a joy to partake.
My presents are flowers and rainbows
and angel food cake.

My crib is decorated with roses
and glitter.
And the stars that shine upon me
make everything shimmer.

The other angels are dancing and
singing me songs.
Soon Jesus will be joining me,
It won't be long.

We'll all gather and pray
for my loved ones on earth,
Who love me so much,
from the day of my birth.

You see, Birthdays in Heaven
are full of happiness and cheer.
We celebrate with our loved ones,
who proceeded us here.

Yes, Birthdays in Heaven
are wonderful and gay.
One day we will celebrate together,
for that moment, Mommy and Daddy, I pray"

Why tonight hurts so much...

Tonight would be the last time I felt her last time I heard her heartbeat she had the hiccups a little after 930pm.  Tonight sometime while I was sleeping my baby died.  She left us.  I felt funny the hiccups felt distant but I attributed that to her engaging and moving down since that is what babies do when they are getting ready to be born.  They drop into position.  She wasn't moving as much but she was still moving more then enough and healthy movements just felt down low.  I have never been pregnant so long before so again I thought this was normal for a 3rd trimester baby.  How I wish I could rewind to that night knowing what I know now and rush into a hospital and throw myself on a c-section table and save her.  But yes I know that is not the way it turned out and I know there is no turning back time.  After all I know all to well how this story ends.  I think about that night and how happy we were laying in bed together talking about the baby and how big she was and how in a few more weeks she would be laying next to us too.  I kept telling John I think I am going to the doctor's tomorrow I am feeling different and how I didn't want to take any chances and what would it hurt just to get checked out.  I wish that gut feeling would have been harder like a punch in the face harder.  I miss her deeply I miss the happiness she brought I miss the wholeness she gave us I miss the feelings of not feeling so much pain and emptiness and sorrow.  I miss the nieveness of life prior to experincing harsh grief.  It's like a head on collision in a car accident just hits you so suddenly you never knew it was coming and even if you did there is nothing you can or could do to stop it or reverse it once it hits.  The damage is already done. 

Starting my vacation....

We have labeled it "crazy week vacation" I don't know how I will feel from day to day but to just plan for it I took the week off to sort thru my feelings and have time to myself to feel things all the way thru.  Last week before I got this horrid sinus infection from the lovely oak I started feeling how I felt when I was at home after her birth like I needed to be outside or doing something like I felt fragile in a way.  Like I was weak and so broken then I somewhat felt like that again this past week.  The emotions have come in like waves but each one different lately.  I think about subjects to blog daily and write the blog out in my head but never seem to take the time or energy to write it out here.  I know I need to I know I will want to reread this all someday this long journey that is now about to hit the 1 year mark of my love's birth.  I think of the right nows right now I would be head over heels inlove and excited because tomorrow would bring some of the happiest memories I would ever share with my daughter.  Yes April 2nd last year was my baby shower I would be smiling and laughing with friends and rubbing my belly with a chubby little baby rubbing and kicking back.  Lifting my shirt and showing my family how she moves and watching everyone's eye's light up as they saw little feet skimming across my growing belly.  She was so healthy so happy inside me her heart was strong that day and life was perfect.  One boy, one girl, one happy inlove husband and joyous family and friends all around and nothing, nothing but happiness in the air.  The memories are precious and I am glad that I had my shower so that I can look back on that time with her and those moments forever trapped in my heart and brain.  I know how good life can feel I know how perfect it can seem.  Course I know the other end when a person's beauty bubble is popped but I am just choosing for tonight to think about before that bubble burst what it felt like before, before my heart was broken before sadness and despair took over smiles and laughter.  Before I entered this life long marathon of grief and exhaustion.  I will focus on her sweetness tonight and I will smile and dream of her sweet face.

Coming out of the fog...

Sometimes I feel like these days are on slow motion and I am sitting still watching them pass by and interacting and doing things but sitting by and witnessing it as well.  I feel like I am in a somewhat brain fog as I want to honor Delanie so dearly on her birthday but I just can't seem to make any plans and frankly I don't know what I can handle or what I am up for because on this path of grief you never know where or what you will feel until you really get to that moment in time.  It really makes me feel guilty because we never did a memorial service or funeral because I knew at the time I, we were not strong enough to sit thru it nor plan it.  The pain was to deep to raw and to intense.  I am just starting to get those feelings again because I am scared I will just want to hide away if I try to plan something.  And nothing I could ever plan seems to do her justice or is good enough.  When I think of it I just get into a drunk mind fog state of mind.  So I am not sure what will happen.  Easter is also that weekend which doesn't make things easier either.  Lord please bless us with strength and courage and wisdom for these next few weeks.  I just need to redirect my path and stand strong at the direction I choose and be well with my choice even if I think later it might have been the wrong one.  But in true might have been the right one at the time.  All you can do is live right?  Take a breath and wake up in the morning and repeat and focus on the rythym and pace of it.  That is life you automatically breathe its natural but the pacing and focus takes time and skill.  I feel like grief has made me wise beyond my years.  I feel my soul is so much older then before.  Just the way I look at life and others and situations has seemed to change forever.  Some for the good and some for the maybe worse.  I miss the nieve blissfulness of never knowing this little world existed.  But its life and its my life and all you can do is keep breathing right?  Count your blessings daily even the small ones so that you don't drown because those negatives will steady drown you.

Happy Birthday to my sweet son

So I am the official mother to a happy little 9 year old.  In alot of ways I am so thrilled and in utter happiness that Dustin is so happy and growing and healthy, but then there is that other side where the years just seem like they pass way to fast.  Just like every sad moment bring light to grief alot of times happy ones make it even worse or shine brighter.  I stood there thinking about how his birthday was last year I was still huge and pregnant and getting ready to welcome my little girl into this world and Dustin couldn't have been happier that he would finally not be "alone".  I had a hard time planning his party this year and put it off for awhile until time finally came to where it had to be dealt with fast paced.  I now find myself trying to figure out what I can deal with and plan for Delanie's up coming birthday.  It just should have been so much different.  I should be complaining about exhaustion of shopping for again a second birthday party and calling people and scheduling entertainment and finding her the perfect outfit and little cake to smush on her little face.  But I know that is just not how it is and I accept that I have for a long time but it doesn't make the hurt or the thought of it away.  I usually walk in the March of Dimes I usually compain and do it proudly.  I can't seem to wrap my head around it this year.  Adding yet again another baby to the page but this one with a sad ending and not a happy one like my sweet 9 year old.  It's so weird and mysterious the things that bother you and the things that don't so much.  You can never predict it or even try to make sense of it.  You just have to live it and get thru it one breath at a time.  I am not sure what tomorrow will bring but I can only hope and pray for sunny days, sweet smiles, and love..lots of love.  Thankful for the blessing I have and hold dear and cherish daily but missing the one that is gone as well.

My sweet son now 9 years old

Happy 11 months my love

I still find it hard to believe it has been this long since I have held her.  When  you see the months passing by it sometimes feels fast and then all in the same slow.  This journey has taken me so many places on so many levels I don't think words can ever truly describe every emotion that passes or comes to a parent who loses a child.  There are some emotions that are so mixed you sometimes can't even make sense if they are good or bad feelings all you know is it is a feeling of some sort.  I know it sounds really weird especially reading it back but maybe to some others they might feel like yes that makes total sense.  I find myself trying to wrap my head around my daughter's first birthday the day she was born into this world so silently but the wonderful day were I held her, kissed her and saw her sweet face and chubby cheeks.  A wonderful day but the worst day as well.  I wish I were planning it differently.  I am finding it hard to make plans to do anything but I know I want to and have a internal need to remember her on this day and do something for her and celebrate her life even though it was so short lived.  But I am still at a loss on what exactly that will be and how much I can handle really.  It brings back some of the memories on why we couldn't go thru with a funeral.  I am not sure what the exact emotions are its the fact that I should have been planning a welcoming party with proud grandparents and people arguing on who's nose she has and how happy they are that she was term and healthy and not premature and sick but instead it was a funeral to try to plan and that was earth shattering and something I could not wrap my head around.  Now with the "memorial birthday"  I should be planning her wonderful party with a smash cake and cute little baby tights on her chubby legs I should be watching her brother and her hold hands and him walking her around proudly and showing her different flowers and toys and helping her blow her candles out.  But that is just not the way it turned out to be and I understand that I truly do and I know I am blessed and very thankful for everything I have in life but it doesn't make the hurt of what is missing in this blessed life go away.  I am grateful for the lessons and some of the different outlooks on life they are only taught to the secret club of grief mothers and fathers.  I feel well educated on life and of death.  I have looked to not take things for granted but I learned this lesson with Dustin's birth as well.  I thought I had learned if fully but not until the birth of my second child.  Some days I still feel myself looking back on the week and realizing all the things I could of and should have done and then look at being thankful for all that could have happened in that week but didn't.  Good and bad there is always a balance.  It might of been a uneventful week where nothing got accomplished but then maybe that is not always a bad thing maybe you should look at it where it was a week where nothing went wrong.  Even small things like a appliance going out, car breaking down, job loss, illness.  It was a week without a major event.  Maybe not so bad of a outlook then......I will try to write more soon count your blessings daily, hourly, and by the moment....

Happy Angel Day my Love,  We love you so much