Baby pictures! 8 weeks 2 days

A new beginning....a rainbow in sight..

As many of you know by now we are cautiously expecting our rainbow baby due in early January but will arrive late December with hope and deep faith.  As you can imagine the emotions and twists and turns of this new little path have been overwhelming, healing, crazy and pure love.  This baby is in no way replacing my beautiful baby girl Delanie Faye just as Delanie was in no way replacing her older brother Dustin who is living.  We are adding to the family because we have so much love to give and we are giving our children Delanie and Dustin a new sibling for them both to love and cherish.  Dustin is lonely and constantly asking when god will give us another baby and it makes my heart lighter to tell him that one is growing and on their way.  Since telling him he has been so inlove and so careful and loving to my belly.  It in no way replaces my grief for Delanie but it does help allow some love and light to shine in thru the darkness of grief.  This baby is just that a wonderful beam of light busting  thru the darkness with renewed hope and utter faith that god will hold that light and let it grow and shine and reach us in our darkness.  I am finding myself constantly praying and talking to god asking him to please keep this baby safe and with us.  I am dealing with bonding issues hoping its not instinct and just me gaurding my still broken heart.  I don't  know what all this pregnancy will hold for us but I am willing to try and fight and love it to the fullest.  I know this won't be easy and I know it won't be clear I know there will be confusion and fog but I know faith will lead me thru I just have to keep moving forward and celebrating each day I am able to hold this baby even if for a short time.  If this baby will be a angel maybe it saw how much I dearly and fiercely loved Delanie and wanted that as well.  I will always try to think of it both ways.  So please join me as I will keep blogging about this new path and journey as our family grows as now we experiance pregnancy after loss.  Our rainbow baby as they call them.  The rainbow after the storm.  Please lord let this be it.  We debated on telling anyone for a long time but then decided even if this baby was lost in the first trimester which let's face it many are.  We would not want to keep him or her a secret we would want the world to know about him or her to make sure she had a place in everyone's hearts and would be remembered as well even if for a short time.  I wouldn't want to go thru it alone and would not be able to keep something like that away from others cause like Delanie it would be engraved in my heart and soul . 

So about this pregnancy.  We were very surprised!  We found out April 27th by taking a pregnancy test.  I really didn't believe it.  John was on the porch and it was in the morning and we were enjoying a beautiful day and I remember I just walked out and said I really think I am pregnant either that or the tests are all faulty. (because by this time my crazy butt had taken about 3).  He smiled and said that is awesome hunny congrats but we were both reserved but made cute comments and hugged and loved pretty much all day as a family.  At the end of the next day we went to the store and bought even more different brands of tests and of course those were all positive to so I finally started to believe that we were blessed and there was a hopeful rainbow on the way.  We then started calling doctor's early that week to start getting blood drawls and our "team" together!  We had our first sono at 5 weeks and saw a beautiful little gestational sac.  Then 5-18 at 6 weeks and change we saw our little ones heartbeat.  Let me tell you to see a heartbeat on the sono machine blinking away again took my breath away.  I think when I hear it for the first time I might break down and cry.  We shall see =)

Next appt Friday with perinatologist!  Here we go people!

Days go on...

So as the days pass my anxiety has picked up on and off for the past few weeks.  I think partly because you expect or think this pain will somehow cease someday.  You think maybe the year mark things will get easier the pain will soften.  But then you come to realize the truth that you will forever live with this barren pain this feeling of aching emptiness for it seems like forever.  You get days where you are discouraged and exhausted then you get days where you seem like you are renewed and drive hard to move forward and advance some how in life.  You never know what type of day it is going to be sometimes it can be half way thru it.  Sometimes it seems like you are living with a split personality from one moment to the next.  I thought the counting might calm down after the year mark and in ways it has but in other ways it still continues but just not as strong.  I remember thinking this time last year I wish I could just fast foward a year from now and not feel this much pain and intensity.  But truthfully the pain is the same as I had said before you just get stronger like and chronic pain sufferer and develope a tolerance.  I find myself wondering where I was last year this time.  I know I was waiting on her urn and battling the doctors for the release of her death certificate so that she could be cremated and bought home.  I know we were trying to decide about a funeral or memorial service but couldn't bare the thought of going thru with it and just frankly were not strong enough.  I don't look back on my blog ever from previous posts and I don't reread my posts ever after they are written that is why sometimes I am surprised that people read them because I wonder half the time if they make any sense or if it is just some crazy woman rambling about her feelings of loss.  I wish this blog wasn't so sad and maybe as time passes it won't be anymore.  Lord knows what I will be counting down a year from now or how strong I will grow by then.  Time is such a tricky thing but then again so is life.

Updated Garden Pictures

Wanted to share some updated garden pictures on the blog we have been hard at work making changes and still have so far to go but each time we are outside we feel closer to her we feel like we are caring for her.

Delanie's gifts

I wanted to put these on a seperate post since I put so many of the garden on the previous post and write on each gift.  There will be more pictures tomorrow of the bench that Dave and Jayne Anne from John's work gave us.

Each week I place flowers by her urn Dustin usually likes to pick them out.  This flower arrangement was given to us from Ms. Linda from Wendy's work and a plant from Auntie Kimmy

So pretty

All the stuff my sister Jerry and the girls got us a brighton bracelet with special charms and a plaque I thought I had a better picture of but will take another tomorrow

This was recieved in the mail from my friends Amy and Becky a beautiful Azela (spelling) I love it and there are butterflies on the pot LOVE it!

Sweet note from some very special girls

Angel witha butterfly from Aunt Kimmy So perfect

Message from Aunt Wendy and the girls and Jerry

Saturday....

So today we are feeling better, spent almost the whole day in the yard working were when we feel like this makes us feel better.  It's very healing and for all my child loss friends I highly suggest it.  I wanted to share some pictures of the yard even though after today it has changed again and I will update more current pictures tomorrow on my Easter post.  I also want to share some of the lovely gifts people gave us for Delanie's first birthday.  We were so happy she was not forgotten to many people and they helped.  We went to John's parent's house for a family get together this evening and it was wonderful to see alot of family that we had not seen in a while.  John's parent's bought us a beautiful butterfly bush for the gardens.  Dustin got his Easter basket from his grandparents and he was happy to see everyone.  I should have brought my camera to take pictures there but in the swing of the day and my aching brain I seemed to have forgotten to bring it.  I swear sometimes grief is like living life on "brain support"  you never seem to be fully functioning again.  Your mind constantly drifts to different areas and depths inside and sometimes you have no control when they wonder and how deep your thought will reach.  You learn to live and mold around these hmmm so called "episodes" and curve life and conversations around them.  I guess it would be like living with a learning disability in a way but you are still a functioning living individual.  So today alot of my thoughts were of course where we were last year and what we were doing.   Which has been happening all weekend long.  Examples were last night I was thinking oh my I would still be holding her right now touching her skin, watching her daddy sway with her across the room rocking her as if he needed to get her to drift back to sleep.  You never know how much you love the man in your life until you see him rocking gently your daughter and kissing her lightly on her forehead with such love and devotion.  I thought tonight around dinner time how we would then be making arrangements with the funeral home to come pick our sweet dream of a daughter up so that I could leave the hospital in the morning without looking back and thinking I was leaving her behind.  I just couldn't deal with the thought of that I had to make sure she left before I did.  I remember thinking how hard I thought it was leaving the hospital empty handed with Dustin but it didn't near compare to leaving empty handed with Delanie.  Being wheeled out with nothing but a swollen belly full of staples and a small box with what was left of my daughters memories and cloths.   No nothing compares to that.  I know that this week I will be thinking back to the distant memories of last year and I know many of them will hurt but to tell you the truth alot of my heart seems so numb that it doesn't hurt as much as people would assume or as much as I would assume.  I think my feelings are so exhausting and tears are so spent that its dulling out the intensity of the pain.  Or maybe as I always say I am just stronger at being a chronic pain sufferer.  So I wonder how long and just how much this week I will think back and replay.  Never know until you get there.  With all these "dates" you never know how you will feel until you get to that certain date and time.  There is no planning with grief.  I have been thinking of putting a slide show together and posting it on here about Delanie and her journey and I think I am ready to do it with John's help so that might be posting on here soon.  We shall see.  I will also post those updated pictures of the yard tomorrow.  Everything seems to be growing and branching out.  Delanie's small garden now keeps growing and surrounding the house but like I said its our therapy and when we are improving and making these beautiful gardens we feel better and closer to her maybe just closer to sanity or at least brief episodes of it =)  Enjoy the pictures it has already changed so much.

 These are from last week

  These are from Friday

drastic change took out the white rock and put in crushed granite and releveled

Her tree

Yard fixture =  )

Happy Birthday my sweet Delanie Faye

How I have dreaded this day for so many reasons and the emotions have come in waves throughout the day.  Some good some bad some calm some racing none ever really the same.  I really did not know what to expect today after all there is no handbook to losing a child then a second edition on life afterwards.  Through out the day each emotion changed and all I wanted to do was be close to John and outside.  Being outdoors calms both John and I.  When we are working in the yard bringing beauty and growing things to life that is when we feel closest to her.  It doesn't even have to be in her garden's just outside working in the dirt with love, sweat and tears.  Dear friends have felt our need for that and have been so sweet to give Delanie and us many outside gifts.  My heart is happy that on her birthday we did unwrap gifts of love they were meant for her and for our comfort and they were much needed and greatly appreciated.  We spent most of the day at nurseries around New Braunfels and even all the way up in Kyle we drove and drove it helped.  We held hands and hugged alot shared silent smiles and thoughts.  Sometimes the feelings seem so fresh like her death was just yesterday the feeling of being in the room of holding her close and all the rush of emotions of that evening and day seem to be sneaking into my mind.  I remember that night with the pain SO intense if I could just fast forward a year from now and maybe the pain won't be so bad.  And yes the pain is still as bad but I am stronger and grow stronger each day in tolerance of this chronic pain suffered by all parents of loss.  This weekend I will be making posts on here with pictures and different things all for Delanie so stay tuned her birthday is all weekend long I will be posting updated garden pictures as well.  Thank you all for your love and support and greatly needed prayers.  I wish I could write more tonight and post some of the pictures I have planned but I am exhausted both emotionally and physically and am in need to try to sleep and hope and pray the nightmares stay away tonight and pray that its only sweet dreams.  Wanted to share a poem my sweet friend shared with me today.  Happy Birthday my love mommy and daddy and brother love you so very much Delanie Faye.

"It's my first birthday in heaven,
what a joy to partake.
My presents are flowers and rainbows
and angel food cake.

My crib is decorated with roses
and glitter.
And the stars that shine upon me
make everything shimmer.

The other angels are dancing and
singing me songs.
Soon Jesus will be joining me,
It won't be long.

We'll all gather and pray
for my loved ones on earth,
Who love me so much,
from the day of my birth.

You see, Birthdays in Heaven
are full of happiness and cheer.
We celebrate with our loved ones,
who proceeded us here.

Yes, Birthdays in Heaven
are wonderful and gay.
One day we will celebrate together,
for that moment, Mommy and Daddy, I pray"