Almost 9 weeks

I am still at a loss for my feelings daily.  The emotions I couldn't even begin to explain and barely comprehend myself.  I think that is why lately I really don't mind being alone because half the time I am trying to make sense of one thing or another.  I am trying to picture this little one in our lives but there is always that factor that my bubble has been popped before and innocence was lost.  Things are just different in life in every way after you have experainced loss its like when you are holding your little child and wishing she would take a breath you are taking a breath as a whole new being.  Your eyes forever changed and senses all changed and rearranged.  Life point of views change in most every aspect and this is no different.  You just have to grasp it and hold on and thank god for each day you are moving forward and not back.  Each pregnancy is never a promise of life, it is but a chance and a chance very worth taking.  But I do find myself injecting my medications and taking these pills and going to these appointments and hoping in the end it will end happily and my hardwork will forever pay off.  Not that it didn't with Delanie because I got the chance to meet her and I would have done the same knowing the outcome.  But I can't help but let my mind wonder on what this outcome will be and hope for the best.  This has been very healing though and I hope it continues to heal and help me learn even more lessons in life.  What are you going to teach me little one...lessons continue and that is all you can hope for.

8 weeks 2 days update

So I have been slacking lately on the baby updates.  Mostly my fault either fatigued and still having attachment issues with this baby I think as time goes on it will get better and more "real" to me.  We are steadily excited and baby is about 75% of our conversation thru out the day.  I have had several sonograms with a beautiful baby and wonderful heart rate to match.  I have had some issues with bleeding with a small sub-chorionic hemorrage.  Which is resolving fast and was barely seen on today sonogram.  I have always dealt with bleeding in all my pregnancies during the first trimester so nothing really new to me but still not a fun deal to go thru.  I have been to my specialist which totally helped ease some of my pregnancy anxiety just by being in the office seemed to ease alot of my worries.  And made me feel like wow we are really on this road again.  Today I saw my regular OBGYN Dr. Novak and she was wonderful as usual and I got to bring Dustin with me to the sono which he really liked seeing the baby and heartbeat and it wiggle around in mommy's belly and had about a dozen silly questions for the doctor but she seemed to really enjoy him and didn't mind at all and asked him when we were leaving if he would be coming to the next visit =)  Really helped me feel better about it because Dustin has been very consumed with the pregnancy and really wants to know everything it seems this time around.  He is always asking me about baby and what EXACTLY baby is doing and always concerned about the baby's temp and if the baby needs to eat or drink or sleep and when it is doing all of the above.  He is extremely excited and ready for baby to come and asks often how many more days in the count down to baby birthday.  Which I think will be around December 19th for the c-section.  Today I totally freaked myself out but seemed to get over alot of the fear now and am now at you can't control mood.  This morning after our appt I took Dustin to Jim's to eat breakfast and totally forgot I was pregnant and ate 2 sunny side up eggs not thinking in my head that they are not recommended for pregnancy.  Hopefully nothing happens and baby is safe and sound.  Totally will be WAY more careful not sure where my head was at that time. 

BABY timeline so far for June
-High risk appt June 7th  ( Every 2 weeks)
-OBGYN appt June 22
-waiting for date on NT scan
-Cerclage scheduled for June 28th at north central baptist

Meds-
Nexium 20mg, Progesterone 200mg, lovenox 40mg, NEEVO DHA, ASA, metformin 875mg, zyrtec, folic acid 1 gram

Baby pictures! 8 weeks 2 days

A new beginning....a rainbow in sight..

As many of you know by now we are cautiously expecting our rainbow baby due in early January but will arrive late December with hope and deep faith.  As you can imagine the emotions and twists and turns of this new little path have been overwhelming, healing, crazy and pure love.  This baby is in no way replacing my beautiful baby girl Delanie Faye just as Delanie was in no way replacing her older brother Dustin who is living.  We are adding to the family because we have so much love to give and we are giving our children Delanie and Dustin a new sibling for them both to love and cherish.  Dustin is lonely and constantly asking when god will give us another baby and it makes my heart lighter to tell him that one is growing and on their way.  Since telling him he has been so inlove and so careful and loving to my belly.  It in no way replaces my grief for Delanie but it does help allow some love and light to shine in thru the darkness of grief.  This baby is just that a wonderful beam of light busting  thru the darkness with renewed hope and utter faith that god will hold that light and let it grow and shine and reach us in our darkness.  I am finding myself constantly praying and talking to god asking him to please keep this baby safe and with us.  I am dealing with bonding issues hoping its not instinct and just me gaurding my still broken heart.  I don't  know what all this pregnancy will hold for us but I am willing to try and fight and love it to the fullest.  I know this won't be easy and I know it won't be clear I know there will be confusion and fog but I know faith will lead me thru I just have to keep moving forward and celebrating each day I am able to hold this baby even if for a short time.  If this baby will be a angel maybe it saw how much I dearly and fiercely loved Delanie and wanted that as well.  I will always try to think of it both ways.  So please join me as I will keep blogging about this new path and journey as our family grows as now we experiance pregnancy after loss.  Our rainbow baby as they call them.  The rainbow after the storm.  Please lord let this be it.  We debated on telling anyone for a long time but then decided even if this baby was lost in the first trimester which let's face it many are.  We would not want to keep him or her a secret we would want the world to know about him or her to make sure she had a place in everyone's hearts and would be remembered as well even if for a short time.  I wouldn't want to go thru it alone and would not be able to keep something like that away from others cause like Delanie it would be engraved in my heart and soul . 

So about this pregnancy.  We were very surprised!  We found out April 27th by taking a pregnancy test.  I really didn't believe it.  John was on the porch and it was in the morning and we were enjoying a beautiful day and I remember I just walked out and said I really think I am pregnant either that or the tests are all faulty. (because by this time my crazy butt had taken about 3).  He smiled and said that is awesome hunny congrats but we were both reserved but made cute comments and hugged and loved pretty much all day as a family.  At the end of the next day we went to the store and bought even more different brands of tests and of course those were all positive to so I finally started to believe that we were blessed and there was a hopeful rainbow on the way.  We then started calling doctor's early that week to start getting blood drawls and our "team" together!  We had our first sono at 5 weeks and saw a beautiful little gestational sac.  Then 5-18 at 6 weeks and change we saw our little ones heartbeat.  Let me tell you to see a heartbeat on the sono machine blinking away again took my breath away.  I think when I hear it for the first time I might break down and cry.  We shall see =)

Next appt Friday with perinatologist!  Here we go people!

Days go on...

So as the days pass my anxiety has picked up on and off for the past few weeks.  I think partly because you expect or think this pain will somehow cease someday.  You think maybe the year mark things will get easier the pain will soften.  But then you come to realize the truth that you will forever live with this barren pain this feeling of aching emptiness for it seems like forever.  You get days where you are discouraged and exhausted then you get days where you seem like you are renewed and drive hard to move forward and advance some how in life.  You never know what type of day it is going to be sometimes it can be half way thru it.  Sometimes it seems like you are living with a split personality from one moment to the next.  I thought the counting might calm down after the year mark and in ways it has but in other ways it still continues but just not as strong.  I remember thinking this time last year I wish I could just fast foward a year from now and not feel this much pain and intensity.  But truthfully the pain is the same as I had said before you just get stronger like and chronic pain sufferer and develope a tolerance.  I find myself wondering where I was last year this time.  I know I was waiting on her urn and battling the doctors for the release of her death certificate so that she could be cremated and bought home.  I know we were trying to decide about a funeral or memorial service but couldn't bare the thought of going thru with it and just frankly were not strong enough.  I don't look back on my blog ever from previous posts and I don't reread my posts ever after they are written that is why sometimes I am surprised that people read them because I wonder half the time if they make any sense or if it is just some crazy woman rambling about her feelings of loss.  I wish this blog wasn't so sad and maybe as time passes it won't be anymore.  Lord knows what I will be counting down a year from now or how strong I will grow by then.  Time is such a tricky thing but then again so is life.

Updated Garden Pictures

Wanted to share some updated garden pictures on the blog we have been hard at work making changes and still have so far to go but each time we are outside we feel closer to her we feel like we are caring for her.

Delanie's gifts

I wanted to put these on a seperate post since I put so many of the garden on the previous post and write on each gift.  There will be more pictures tomorrow of the bench that Dave and Jayne Anne from John's work gave us.

Each week I place flowers by her urn Dustin usually likes to pick them out.  This flower arrangement was given to us from Ms. Linda from Wendy's work and a plant from Auntie Kimmy

So pretty

All the stuff my sister Jerry and the girls got us a brighton bracelet with special charms and a plaque I thought I had a better picture of but will take another tomorrow

This was recieved in the mail from my friends Amy and Becky a beautiful Azela (spelling) I love it and there are butterflies on the pot LOVE it!

Sweet note from some very special girls

Angel witha butterfly from Aunt Kimmy So perfect

Message from Aunt Wendy and the girls and Jerry