Striving for the better...

I find myself constantly striving to change to be better.  I am having another one of those make the bed mornings.  Which for those of you that don't know me I make the bed so that I don't crawl back into it.  I really find FOR ME that if I get back in and go to sleep yes those moments are nice and relaxing but when I wake up I feel drained all day and end up on and off in bed.  I think that is how depression really progresses is in your sleep patterns.  Well at least for me.  Now if I stay up then I end up forcing myself to get up and go and do things even though I am tired?  Weird right?  But since Delanie's birth and all those many weeks (15) on bedrest strict bedrest I have changed some of my mindset on wanting to be more organized and productive in life.  Seems like some days I am wasting precious life.  I think about that once I was a baby and I was also given the chance to live and breath so am I bad for wasting it?  Would I have any regrets?  I know some people think I may be morbid thinking this but I think about organization and if I were to pass away in my earlier life and people were left to go thru my things and help John pack would they be surprised?  So maybe that is why I am going thru things trying to straighten them up.  I am also going back to work which is a huge step and I still want to take care of John and Dustin so I want to make sure everything runs smoothly for them and even me.  I wish I could peek in everyone's houses and just see what works for them in little things they do.  Like all the tips and trades women have but may not even notice that its a awesome idea.  Each family is a little book I wish I could read about.  Everyone has a story wish I knew theirs as I am sure they might be surprised at our long story in our short lives.  They wouldn't think by looking at us all that we have been thru in life.  But I will keep striving for the better.  Keep making my bed and keep looking for the sun.

wow...

I have a date that I am going back to work I will start work again Sunday June 5th a little nervous but happy as well to see all my friends and work family.  I miss dealing with patients and caring for them.  After all that seems to be what makes me feel better when I am in a grief storm is caring and nurturing something or someone.  So I think work will actually be healing being the line of work that I am in.  I know people are concerned because I work postpartum on a mother baby floor but that is work and it is seperate.  I know none of those babies are mine and those babies aren't what will heal my pain.  I am happy for each baby born healthy even though mine never made it.  I would never want this pain on anyone even a junkie mother high on lord knows what or a young mother or anything else that has a negative.  No one no matter who they are deserves to feel that pain nor does any innocent baby.  After all no matter who the mother is every baby is innocent.  I think this will be good I think I can be strong I know life will be good for us someday.  I feel we will be blessed again.  I still feel blessed to have her.  I still would have chose to have her and the time with her even with the same outcome and result.  So for that I need to know I am blessed.  I got to meet Delanie and no one else did.  I got to feel her and love her and feel her grow each week and day.  I got to see her pretty face and soft little feet.  I got to spot each feature of the man that I love in his daughter's face.  I did make him a father to a daughter he was wonderful.  His arms melted around her with love.  I got to see that.  I was apart of that.  I need to count my blessings.  I have had the chance.  That is afterall what I asked god for.  I ask for that again when the time is right is a chance.  

Weekend

Today was my niece's graduation party we were so happy for her and so very proud.  I love my niece's very much more then they will ever know.  A lot of my life has been just for them and I tease them they better repay me with a good old folks home later in life.  I spent the morning doing chores and spending time with Dustin. Then my dad and Judy came to drop off a much wanted gift, Delanie's hope chest!  My father made it for us and it is so wonderful.  It is so beautiful more then I could have ever imagined it!  Now I have a special place to put Delanie's special things but keep them close to me as well =)  I took pictures to show everyone =)

So pretty!  Now I can put her special things in here like her blankets and memory box, ect.

Cedar lined thank you daddy!

 

Facing the sun

So my next venture in this grief journey is to return back to work another step to a life of somewhat normalcy if there will ever be that again.  I have felt somewhat peaceful but grief emotions are like a storm and change with each wave and turn.  I could feel this peaceful moment that my child is warm and safe with god and loved ones and the next hour it could change to rage and anger.  I am ready to see what emotions work will bring though I think they will all be good.  It's a step back to life but not a step away from my child like some may view it.  I will grieve at work to with my work family I know they love Delanie to so it isn't me taking a step to forget about her or move on it is a step back to a productive life but with her with me always.  I am not looking at it or at least trying not to look at it as the period of grief is over and there for her time it over because it never is.  The wounds will never heal and she will never be far from my mind.  But I will continue to live for her and in life living is moving forward always not from her but in life period.  It's sad in a way but I try not to think of it like that.  I will try to keep my head up and bring in the positive because there is nothing negative about Delanie.  My child was perfect and positive she was all that was good in this world wrapped up in a wonderfully beautiful heart and little body.  Maybe to good for this world.  I know god didn't take her my faith is strong that he is not a taker of life but a giver and he only came to get her once he saw trouble or pain and rushed to embrace her.  That is what I must think and believe with my everything to get to my next breath. The gardening is helping and it helps that it is slow moving I think and something to nurture and take care of daily as we would for Delanie.  We also can do it as a family so that helps us aswell.  We will stay strong we will stay together and we will still be standing thru anything that comes our way.  We have been thru so much in life we will have stories to tell and lessons to learn and pass on to those in need.  

I also took so pictures of our little family fun today =)  Dustin had to help mommy water the yard of course but his way is slightly different as more water ends up on him then grass?  But they both grow fast so I took pictures to hold on to the funny moments of my dear son <3  How I love him so <3

Soaking wet!

Wondering what is getting more water?

Boys....

Thanks for your help son!  LOL

 

progress...

More pictures of the garden today this time with a big addition done Delanie's tree planted!  YAY we are glad its planted and so far so good.  I got Delanie's flowers the other day they are not planted yet because they are seeds.  Her birth month flowers are sweet peas and daisies so we are planting them as seeds first frost then they will bloom by her birthday =)  Nice birthday gift for us =)

Her seeds that will be planted in the fall =)

Her new tree

Her butterfly angel statue from my dad and step mother

All the leaves I raked up!!  My arms hurt!

I love him so much can't stop taking pictures of him =)

This is a cool little balloon flower

Her tree

today,,,,

Had to make my bed so that I don't climb back in it.  I hate wasting precious time anymore so after I wake up I regret the nap even though I may love it while I am slumbering. I just don't want life to pass me by anymore and I have so much to get done today heck in life not just today!  I really need to work in the yard this morning but also in the house it has fallen behind because we have been working in the yard so much.  I know I will have to get the carpets cleaned for sure after we are done with everything!!  Yesterday I had to take Dustin to pulmonologist (lung doctor) because of his attack on Friday and it was his normal scheduled appt time as well.  We went up on several of his medications because his asthma is not controlled.  Well he still isn't classified as asthma they still classify him with Chronic Lung Disease really.  Which if you think about it describes it all but whatever floats their boat.  We are now on two more lung medications.  He did do GREAT on his growth chart he is just blooming like a weed!  56 pounds and 47 inches tall at 8 years old.  He totally fits in his class and he is not even the smallest child in his grade like he use to be always!  It's nice!  Course I am buying cloths for him like crazy!  None of his old summer cloths are fitting so we will have to purchase a few more things soon over time.   So happy with his progress now hopefully we get his lungs under control so that maybe one day he can play sports =)  He can't right now because he can't keep up and he gets upset and fustrated then mad and that is usually accompanied with him turning blue and white around his mouth because he can't breath.  So we are gonna wait and keep working to get him there someday.  Life of a micropreemie lol  Hope everyone enjoyed the pictures there will be more coming as we get things done =)

Nurture Nature...

I don't know what it is with grief but I find with many people with all different types of grief young or old they seem to take to outdoors and get their hands in the dirt somehow.  I know there is a psychological meaning for it I am sure.  When someone has lost a piece of their heart they just want to nurture someone or something.  To make beauty maybe from so much grief and hurt.  From day one being outside at least has helped not only me but John as well.  We have been working our butts off (literally) manicuring and improving our house on the outdoors.  I should have taken pictures of before and afters prior to John's vacation week as you won't be able to tell everything that we have done.  We have ripped out trees and 2 different spots of bushes really made alot of change.  We have planted a few gardens and I will make another tomorrow the one for her tree =)  We are planting a Texas red bud for her and when the time is right (first frost) I will plant her birth month seeds which are daisies and sweet peas and they will bloom around her birthday =)  I like this idea because we won't know what we will get until her birthday so kind of a little birthday gift for us from her.  We have been doing lots of work on our grass to it use to be so plush but we had trouble with it last season and then got pregnant and focused everything on that and not much else.  AND on the insurance matter I am still insured YAY it all did roll over but I may have to pay a smoker fee even though we both don't smoke but because we didn't go in to sign the no smokers contract thing we will have to maybe pay a extra 35 dollars a pay period.  They are still checking though hopefully we don't.  Well better get to the pictures I will try to explain as I post them =)

Some of the flowers

Bird feeder (butterflies of course)

All the new rocking in the front we ripped out everything that was old and all those rocks are new and then hauled in all that dirt to fill them and pack them.

Still have alot more plants to buy we will get there slowly =)

Round the tree

Her Texas redbud tree =)

This is right outside her window we took out a row of red tip bushes that were high infront of it there was rocking underneath you can see on the ground. We plan to fill this in with crushed granite square kind of and make a seating area with latis work on the side with climbing plants of some sort.  That tree sitting next to there we aren't sure were is going its a traveller red bud tree really neat tree when it grows up if you want to google image it

John's silly topsy turvey pepper plant he is inlove with......I am less then thrilled but whatever makes him smile =)

Lord love the Texas hill country this is what a hole looks like for the tree its solid rock I have had to hand dig most of it!  Tomorrow I will rock a garden around it so that we can build it up with dirt and plant the tree.  AND all this rock you see us using is all from our yard mind you!  They come up everywhere LOL

Front of the house with the rocking

Hopefully

Some decor

John bought me this bird bath bowl that I loooooooooove!  I am not sure exactly where it will be for sure but for right now I just put it on a upside down pot so our MANY birds can enjoy it until I figure it out.

Our messy porch sorry!  Been tracking dirt all thru there

Backyard now the metal pieces are all pieces of the pool we ripped down!

Our pool is GONE!  Well on its way to being gone!  We hauled away all the plastic parts of it like the liner now we are doing the metal parts in trips

Ewwww....

Big eww mess this will eventually be a step down stone patio with a Royal Impress tree over it and climber plants going up those wood rails but I will paint them first I think because they are a minty green color.  This picture is to show you the progress so that later you can see before and afters LOL