As many of you know by now we are cautiously expecting our rainbow baby due in early January but will arrive late December with hope and deep faith. As you can imagine the emotions and twists and turns of this new little path have been overwhelming, healing, crazy and pure love. This baby is in no way replacing my beautiful baby girl Delanie Faye just as Delanie was in no way replacing her older brother Dustin who is living. We are adding to the family because we have so much love to give and we are giving our children Delanie and Dustin a new sibling for them both to love and cherish. Dustin is lonely and constantly asking when god will give us another baby and it makes my heart lighter to tell him that one is growing and on their way. Since telling him he has been so inlove and so careful and loving to my belly. It in no way replaces my grief for Delanie but it does help allow some love and light to shine in thru the darkness of grief. This baby is just that a wonderful beam of light busting thru the darkness with renewed hope and utter faith that god will hold that light and let it grow and shine and reach us in our darkness. I am finding myself constantly praying and talking to god asking him to please keep this baby safe and with us. I am dealing with bonding issues hoping its not instinct and just me gaurding my still broken heart. I don't know what all this pregnancy will hold for us but I am willing to try and fight and love it to the fullest. I know this won't be easy and I know it won't be clear I know there will be confusion and fog but I know faith will lead me thru I just have to keep moving forward and celebrating each day I am able to hold this baby even if for a short time. If this baby will be a angel maybe it saw how much I dearly and fiercely loved Delanie and wanted that as well. I will always try to think of it both ways. So please join me as I will keep blogging about this new path and journey as our family grows as now we experiance pregnancy after loss. Our rainbow baby as they call them. The rainbow after the storm. Please lord let this be it. We debated on telling anyone for a long time but then decided even if this baby was lost in the first trimester which let's face it many are. We would not want to keep him or her a secret we would want the world to know about him or her to make sure she had a place in everyone's hearts and would be remembered as well even if for a short time. I wouldn't want to go thru it alone and would not be able to keep something like that away from others cause like Delanie it would be engraved in my heart and soul .
So about this pregnancy. We were very surprised! We found out April 27th by taking a pregnancy test. I really didn't believe it. John was on the porch and it was in the morning and we were enjoying a beautiful day and I remember I just walked out and said I really think I am pregnant either that or the tests are all faulty. (because by this time my crazy butt had taken about 3). He smiled and said that is awesome hunny congrats but we were both reserved but made cute comments and hugged and loved pretty much all day as a family. At the end of the next day we went to the store and bought even more different brands of tests and of course those were all positive to so I finally started to believe that we were blessed and there was a hopeful rainbow on the way. We then started calling doctor's early that week to start getting blood drawls and our "team" together! We had our first sono at 5 weeks and saw a beautiful little gestational sac. Then 5-18 at 6 weeks and change we saw our little ones heartbeat. Let me tell you to see a heartbeat on the sono machine blinking away again took my breath away. I think when I hear it for the first time I might break down and cry. We shall see =)
Next appt Friday with perinatologist! Here we go people!