Friday, September 30, 2011

The Cord

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Not so happy birthday..

So my birthday is coming up now...pretty quickly.  I can't believe I am going to be 30 years old already.  I really thought by this age I would be done having my children and would look back on like with relief of 2 healthy children and a completed family unit of 4 wonderful souls.  This birthday not only because age is hard for me but looking back on last year's birthday was one of the best times of my life.  Last year if you look back on the October posts from last year.  This birthday weekend of mine was our coming out on telling EVERYONE we were expecting another new baby to our family.  The weekend was full of fun and excitement and sleepless nights over the pure excitement that a baby was finally coming to our family.  The light in everyone's eyes and happiness was purely overwhelming.  The feeling of knowing a life was growing inside my belly was overwhelming.  All the thoughts and feelings were so wonderful and the hopes and dreams were building by the minute.  The weekend was one of the best ones in my life and I am so very glad to have had it and I am glad she gave that to me.  But now looking back to this coming weekend it has nothing to compare to that one.  That weekend I think was the best birthday I have ever had everything was perfect and the surprises lasted all weekend person after person, smile after smile.  Life was awesome.  Now what will happen this week?  It's kind of like having the top of the line steak and then going down to a chopped steak tha'ts stone cold and in some unknown and not recommended gravy.  So people have been asking me all week what I want to do for my birthday but really my mind can't seem to connect with it.  It just doesn't want to think about it.  I am happy to be with my family but I am just at a loss on what to do and what the weekend will hold.  I am sure I will be happy but just never like I was last year.  I smile thinking of it all though.  What wonderful memories were made last year.  All thanks to my little angel choosing us to carry her.  She was the best birthday gift ever I just wish I could have her back.  

The counting continues....

Friday, September 23, 2011

And so it begins....

The past few months the counting has not been so bad.  But I think it has only just really begun.  Today last year I was upset.  I was crying holding a stark blank pregnancy test and wondering when my turn to love again would happen.  I was torn up and felt defeated thinking why on earth god would not bless me with a angel because I knew I was a good mother.  I knew the love we had for eachother and for our children.  Why wouldn't god give us a special angel for this family?  I awoke the next morning September 24th and swore I wouldn't test again and began cleaning my house on my day off.  Around 1030-1100am I got to my bathroom and went to cleaning out all the cabinets and sinks and toilet.  Under the cabinet there was one test left out of one of my old boxes that I must have missed.  The expiration date was fine on it and I figured what the heck one more time after all I am not buying another box what is wasting this one?  Besides the heartache of another blank white box with one line instead of two.  I took my time and then opened the package after yelling at myself in the mirror for awhile.  I took the last test and sat there looking at it as I always did.  I watched the shade of pink swim over the white box from one line to the other.  The lines both stayed.....two lines?  Really?  Finding out you are pregnant after trying for so long is like a fire drill in a real fire.  You prepare and think about everything you are going to do but for some reason think it will never happen.  Oh my god what do I do now?  It's actually positive?  What is the next step?  How do I feel?  Is it real?  I wonder if the test is messed up?  Don't get excited Holly it has to be a mistake?  Keep your gaurd up stay calm drive to target and buy every box on the damn shelf!  So that is what I did.  Test after test said that my dream and prayer had been answered.  My angel was on her way.  My special delivery.  We had been selected to be parent's once again.  Little did we know just how special of a angel had selected us.  Delanie knew her time was short on this earth and she CHOSE us to spend it with!  She chose me to carry her love her feed her and grow her.  All with those two lines my world would change and never be the same again.  I would know a new type of love and a new learning of the world of grief.  Those two lines.  The rest of the afternoon after the marathon empting of my bladder,  I thought of how and when I would tell John.  I wanted it to be special for him but I was so excited I knew I HAD to tell him that day or I would just blurt it out from over excitement.  I ran to the store and bought two bibs and some sign poster board and made my annoucement and placed it on the bed.  IF you look back at the posts last year on this blog you will see the pictures of how we told everyone about our new found pregnancy.  I wish I could rewind to those times I was so happy.  John was so light hearted and he glowed with pride as I did as well.  Our family would be completed soon and that would be the closing chapter of our child bearing years.  Was kind of sad too when you say it that way!   I still have no regrets I think her daily for choosing me and John and our family for her short time here.  She must have thought long and hard about which family she would choose.  I wish she could have stayed longer but I am glad for the time we had and the lessons and love we learned and felt.  Tomorrow was the beginning of my daughter.  I just wish there was a different ending of her as well.  So it begins....the countdown of the next 8 months she was with us.  I know I will survive I know there will be larger hurdles and I know there will be smaller ones.  I know I have no control over which days will be harder and which days will be easier.  I have no control and I understand that and give it up freely and will live life from one breath to the next.  Always loving my family counting my blessings and missing the ones lost.  That is all I can do.  And so this time begins.........lord my hands are up and I am giving you control.

Friday, September 16, 2011


So many lessons this little girl has taught us in life.  I look at my husband and am so deeply in love with him.  Even more so with all that we have been thru.  I know without him I would not have all I have today.  This life that we have grown together from scratch.  He has given me my beautiful children and wonderful life full of love and affection.  With Delanie being born and then leaving us it has only made us closer.  He is what I hold on to in the storm he keeps me afloat and Dustin shines light on me to keep me from the dark.  Without these two wonderful men I just would not be able to keep my head up.  That and my wonderful family and friends don't get me wrong.  I just look at John with so much love.  He would do anything to take care of me.  I read articles all the time and see it on infant loss boards where losing a child breaks marriages apart.  I just don't see how that could or would ever happen in a marriage.  If anything it has brought us closer and will continue to.  You can lose so much in life when you choose not to I don't see how anyone would choose to lose something on purpose.  I know that doesn't make much sense thinking back but in my mind it does.  We are her our hearts beat together for her.  Our love made her and our beautiful son.  We are one heart in our family beating strong for all four of us.  Words can't say how much my husband and family mean to me.  John always asks me how much do you love me?  I always have the same reply and have for so many years.  "More then words could ever say".  that rings so true because words could never even describe nor touch our love.  He is my soulmate and I should count my blessings in this big world that I found him and we created a family.  I need to count my blessings and be thankful for what I do have and not what I don't in life.  I have a beautiful son,  I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home and life, I love my job, I love my family, I had the chance to carry the most beautiful angel in the world and if given the chance I would do it again with the same result, I know things have came harder for us then others mainly when it comes to battling for our children but we have a huge appreciation for them and know what a blessing they are and each breath they take.  We learned it with Dustin and also now with Delanie.  Do not take a breath for granted because each one is a gift.  You can't worry about when your last one will be, because you will miss out on life breathing the ones in between you just have to have faith and know how lucky and blessed you are and know there are things meant for you to accomplish in this world in this life because you were given the chance to breath to live and to love.  We are all blessed

Parable of the Twins

A passage shared on one of my grief boards that totally amazed me!  Thought I would share...

'The Parable of the Twins"

Once upon a time, twin boys were conceived in the same womb.

Weeks passed, and the twins developed. As their awareness grew, they laughed for joy, "Isn't it great that we were conceived? Isn't it great to be alive?"

Together the twins explored their world. When they found their mother's cord that gave them life they sang for joy, "how great is our mother's love that she shares her own life with us."

As the weeks stretched into months the twins noticed how much each was changing.

"What does this mean?",  asked the one.

"It means that our stay in this world is drawing to an end", said the other one.

"But I don't want to go", said the one, "I want to stay here always"

"We have no choice", said the other, "but maybe there is life after birth!"

"But how can it be?" responded the one. "We will shed our life cord, and how is life possible without it? Besides, we have seen evidence that others were here before us and none of them have returned to tell us that there is life after birth."

And so the one fell into deep despair saying, "If conception ends with birth, what is the purpose of life in the womb? It's meaningless! Maybe there is no mother at all."

"But there has to be", protested the other. "How else did we get here? How do we remain alive?"

"Have you ever seen our mother?", said the one. "Maybe she lives in our minds. Maybe we made her up because the idea made us feel good."

And so the last days in the womb were filled with deep questioning and fear and finally the moment of birth arrived.

When the twins had passed from their world, they opened their eyes and cried, for what they saw exceeded their fondest dreams.

How are you doing? How's your day?

These questions now make me insanely giggle in my head.  When you have grief these are the worst questions to ask for some reason and you don't know it unless you have been thru it.  I have asked the questions myself to people suffering a loss and grief and never thought how bad they may sting because they are just words and you don't think of the meaning of those few words.  Many grief parent's agree on my boards and friends I talk to that these phrases sometimes hurt the most.  Couldn't give you a long list of reason's why.  Maybe because Do you really want to know?   Would you really want me to unload every exact feeling on you?  Do you have time for all that?  Do you have the strength to even hear my worries or the craziness that goes thru my head?   The answer is no on the most part.  People ask you this and I smile innocently because that is what they are innocent in asking and they are unknowing to the world of grief.  Which I am happy for.  I wish no one knew this world.  You feel like you are walking on a different planet sometimes. 

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Breathing again...

I posted the song I know it doesn't pertain to my very situation per say but I find myself singing it in my head all the time every so often.  It does make me think about the whole breathing method.  Sometimes I feel like yes I am living and breathing but I would love to take a breath of air without hurt or grief in it.  I laugh I live on but it feels like that weight is always there.  You can't take a whole complete breath of refreshing air and feel the calm.  Good days or bad days you never know waking up which day you will receive that day.  I still have alot to do for her.  Why can't I seem to do it?  Something in my head and heart I know.  Maybe I just can't let that pain in just yet to do those things on my list.  But then on the other hand I think it makes me feel like a bad mother or person just in general.  I am also thinking of asking John if I could do a slide show and post it on here in honor of Delanie pregnancy and birth and after sharing.  I need to think of songs to put on it.  It will take me awhile to do but I want to do it for myself as well and to share her.  She was so real so special and so sweet.  I can't turn on the TV today and I won't.  I know it is 9-11 the 10th annie.  But I can not take in that emotional pull right now.  I am doing the best I can daily and I think that the pull of the thought of all the loss and feelings of the living would just bring me to another day in bed.  I can't let that happen.  So I will keep the TV but know that I am still thinking of everyone lost that day and thinking of everyone missing them and carring around this weight of grief for 10 long years.  They are so strong.  Grandparents day is today and I should have planned something very special for them.  Course hard to get them all together.  I had been passing cards and thinking of things all month and now the day has crept up on me and nothing was planned.  I would go over to John's parent's right now but John had already put a brisket in the over to cook all day so with the fires I am so nervous to leave the house with the oven on and going. will have to be phone calls today.  More later...

Sara Bareilles - Breathe Again (Studio Version) + Lyrics

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Delanie's 5 month angel day

This one hit me out of no where.  I wasn't planning on it being so hard to bare today.  I even scheduled myself to work.  I thankfully got put on call this morning after a horrible night of fitful nightmares and constant waking up.  I don't know if it was inner stuff stumbling out but they were nightmares about her and many other things in life.  Unfortunately I was not the only one in the house having these vivid shocking dreams as John woke several times talking and having a hard time.  I don't know what essence was in the house but it took us all for a ride.  Why should one day hold such meaning.  I miss her everyday why is this day so much different.  Why should I miss her more this day.  I thought about it long and hard today and I don't think it is me missing her more this day.  I think it is about me replaying the day in my mind.  Last night I touched my belly and thought 5 months ago was the last movement my daughter would make and the last time her heart would beat.  I thought about regret and wishing I would have ran like crazy and demanded her birth.  How would I have known.  I know this is the logical thing.  I thought about all morning how I was worried but blissfully unaware of the life change about to happen.  I thought about all day what I would be doing at this time and who's heart I would be breaking at that time.  One by one I felt like not only my heart was breaking but each person told the hurt and tears they shed.  I thought about all the tears brought on that night.  Maybe that is why god hasn't gave us rain since she was born because we lost so much water that night in tears.  Silly I know I kind of smiled at that for some reason.  Even right now she would be in my arms I would be holding her tight and looking her over.  Watching her daddy completely fall in love with realizing how much I held him dearly in my heart and how my world would never be complete without him.  That is my best memory is him rocking her with a soft loving smile on his face.  He was in love.  He was so perfect with her so many fathers would have been so scared or so unsure but he was NONE of those.  He held her tight as if she was part of his body.  He smiled as if she was smiling back.  He loved her so much just as I did.  I hope she was watching us.  I hope she felt us love her and care for her tender body.  I wonder which angel picked her up and took her to heaven.  I wonder so much more things I know will never be answered and I have accepted that.  There are still so many things left undone that I feel bad I have not gotten to but I am wondering if there is something deeper to why I haven't done them.  Her baby book I need to fill out and her pregnancy book I need to finish.  I need to organize all her baby DVD's from sono's and of course I still have not touched anything in her room.  I know I keep saying I will.  But life is still in that room.  Like time is still.  The room seems unmoving and I can almost pretend she is not gone when in there or at least sometimes feel closer.  I can't get rid of any of her things and I know that is selfish of me as I am sure so many can help others.  But I think if anyone were to touch or take something from that room I would scratch their eyes out to be overly truthful.  I don't mind people in there because I am proud of the room but if someone tried to take something or misplace something I would lose it I know I would.  I need that chapter open for now I think.  Each task seems to close further on the chapter.  I am not ready for that.  I have to savor her a little longer in life.  I think I need to get stronger.   Its been 5 months.  Seems like longer at times then at other times seems like yesterday.  Pain is still daily and exhaustion daily but they are both a tolerable pain with time.  Sometimes I feel like I wish I could just get away just for a moment I just need to breath a little like I can't get a full breath of air somehow.  I think John and I and Dustin need to get away again we need to go to the coast or somewhere where I can feel a breeze and breath.  Life is so complicated and overwhelming and I just need to breath.  Happy 5 months my angel I wish you were still here with me.  I wish all the things about your life were different.  I wish you were focusing on holding your bottle and sitting up and giggling belly laughs at your daddy.  I wish I was watching him hold you right now and rock you in your big blue fuzzy chair and smile because I would be hearing a secret song for you sang by him on the baby monitor that he wouldnt know I would be listening to.  I wish you were here for us to love you so much as good parents do.  I wish you were crying for your brother when he walked by you when he got home for school without kissing you first.  I wish he was helping me give you a bath tonight and picking out your nightgown and helping us all kiss you to sleep.  I wish so much.....

Dear lord.  Please keep her safe and near you please let her grandparents rock her sweetly to sleep tonight.  Please let them tell her how we love her and want her so badly.  Please let her know she is missed daily and we will see her again someday in the far future.  Please protect my small family and keep us safe.  Please bless us with happy times and love in our family.  Please lord help us choose and stay on the path that is best for our family.  Please lord help us make the right choices to keep our family safe from harm and healthy.  Please lord watch over us please give us strength in this battle of grief.  Please lord keep our friends angels safe and sweet and know they are loved aswell.  

I love you Delanie

living to smile again

Saturday, September 3, 2011


So true in life all the cliche sayings " only the strong survive "  Why does it always seem to be a uphill battle.  I feel like I am carring weight on me at all times and having to put on shows all the time.  There are yes times when I feel well but then times when I am not well at all.  I make sure to put on a good show cause I would never want to make anyone aware.  Just know you never know what that person is going thru in life.  I look at people all around me.  I look at young girls walking and wondering what they have experianced in life.  I drive my car upset about my day some guy cuts me off does he know I feel like my world is crumbling?  Point being made is you just never know what that person is going thru.  You in your busy life you think about yourself and what your world revolves.  Of course its your life that is why.  No one can really blame but shouldn't we have the heart to pause and think of others?  Just thoughts in my battered head.  I know there is good in this world I have seen it first hand.  It just seems like everything is a battle.  Shouldn't everyone just do the right thing and be a good person?  I just wish some people could see the world in my eyes.  I am so tired and so exhausted this life has turned into something else just feeling as though you are always emotionally and physically exhausted and spent.  Something little can seem to break you brick wall because it's so freshly rebuilt.  I usually can take hits from people I am tough I have a wall built and if you dish it I can dish it right back but I have no strength for that anymore and sometimes I just seem to crumble now when before I would rev back and fight back.  Some little things bother me and make me lose sleep when I know they shouldn't matter.  Life is stressful and I know changes need to be made just so exhuasted I can't think of which ones and which directions to go.  So again I pray to god please lead me to the right paths I need to be on.  Please watch over my family and keep us safe from harm and protect our tender hearts.  Today I will be calm and be thankful for my loving husband and my sweet son and think of my sweet daughter as well.  Thankful.