This one hit me out of no where. I wasn't planning on it being so hard to bare today. I even scheduled myself to work. I thankfully got put on call this morning after a horrible night of fitful nightmares and constant waking up. I don't know if it was inner stuff stumbling out but they were nightmares about her and many other things in life. Unfortunately I was not the only one in the house having these vivid shocking dreams as John woke several times talking and having a hard time. I don't know what essence was in the house but it took us all for a ride. Why should one day hold such meaning. I miss her everyday why is this day so much different. Why should I miss her more this day. I thought about it long and hard today and I don't think it is me missing her more this day. I think it is about me replaying the day in my mind. Last night I touched my belly and thought 5 months ago was the last movement my daughter would make and the last time her heart would beat. I thought about regret and wishing I would have ran like crazy and demanded her birth. How would I have known. I know this is the logical thing. I thought about all morning how I was worried but blissfully unaware of the life change about to happen. I thought about all day what I would be doing at this time and who's heart I would be breaking at that time. One by one I felt like not only my heart was breaking but each person told the hurt and tears they shed. I thought about all the tears brought on that night. Maybe that is why god hasn't gave us rain since she was born because we lost so much water that night in tears. Silly I know I kind of smiled at that for some reason. Even right now she would be in my arms I would be holding her tight and looking her over. Watching her daddy completely fall in love with realizing how much I held him dearly in my heart and how my world would never be complete without him. That is my best memory is him rocking her with a soft loving smile on his face. He was in love. He was so perfect with her so many fathers would have been so scared or so unsure but he was NONE of those. He held her tight as if she was part of his body. He smiled as if she was smiling back. He loved her so much just as I did. I hope she was watching us. I hope she felt us love her and care for her tender body. I wonder which angel picked her up and took her to heaven. I wonder so much more things I know will never be answered and I have accepted that. There are still so many things left undone that I feel bad I have not gotten to but I am wondering if there is something deeper to why I haven't done them. Her baby book I need to fill out and her pregnancy book I need to finish. I need to organize all her baby DVD's from sono's and of course I still have not touched anything in her room. I know I keep saying I will. But life is still in that room. Like time is still. The room seems unmoving and I can almost pretend she is not gone when in there or at least sometimes feel closer. I can't get rid of any of her things and I know that is selfish of me as I am sure so many can help others. But I think if anyone were to touch or take something from that room I would scratch their eyes out to be overly truthful. I don't mind people in there because I am proud of the room but if someone tried to take something or misplace something I would lose it I know I would. I need that chapter open for now I think. Each task seems to close further on the chapter. I am not ready for that. I have to savor her a little longer in life. I think I need to get stronger. Its been 5 months. Seems like longer at times then at other times seems like yesterday. Pain is still daily and exhaustion daily but they are both a tolerable pain with time. Sometimes I feel like I wish I could just get away just for a moment I just need to breath a little like I can't get a full breath of air somehow. I think John and I and Dustin need to get away again we need to go to the coast or somewhere where I can feel a breeze and breath. Life is so complicated and overwhelming and I just need to breath. Happy 5 months my angel I wish you were still here with me. I wish all the things about your life were different. I wish you were focusing on holding your bottle and sitting up and giggling belly laughs at your daddy. I wish I was watching him hold you right now and rock you in your big blue fuzzy chair and smile because I would be hearing a secret song for you sang by him on the baby monitor that he wouldnt know I would be listening to. I wish you were here for us to love you so much as good parents do. I wish you were crying for your brother when he walked by you when he got home for school without kissing you first. I wish he was helping me give you a bath tonight and picking out your nightgown and helping us all kiss you to sleep. I wish so much.....
Dear lord. Please keep her safe and near you please let her grandparents rock her sweetly to sleep tonight. Please let them tell her how we love her and want her so badly. Please let her know she is missed daily and we will see her again someday in the far future. Please protect my small family and keep us safe. Please bless us with happy times and love in our family. Please lord help us choose and stay on the path that is best for our family. Please lord help us make the right choices to keep our family safe from harm and healthy. Please lord watch over us please give us strength in this battle of grief. Please lord keep our friends angels safe and sweet and know they are loved aswell.
I love you Delanie
living to smile again
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