Monday, October 24, 2011

Another picture to share...

My beautiful daughter that I love so dearly one of the pictures I want to share with you all that I so look at and takes me back to the times I held her close.  This picture she was just placed in my arms.  She was warm and smelled like baby wash and sweet baby lotion.  Her skin was soft and hair was fuzzy and her cheeks were like daddy's.  This was a sweet bitter moment but in all with her another one I cherish.  Again she looks darker in the picture because we have a high def. camera.  She was lighter in person and perfect <3

What do you do when your not the only...

What do you do when you not the only one suffering or yearning?   Dustin drew a picture for me the other day and I loved it but it did make me think and I was proud of the love that is in my son but sad in some ways too.  He drew a picture of me sleeping with a baby in my belly he drew the cord in all.  He said it was his next baby brother or sister that might be growing soon.  He then wrote me a letter about how he missed me that week and asked if we could go to the costume store this weekend to pick out a costume for Halloween.  So weird how he can just switch gears like that all on one page?  I am proud at how freely he expresses his feelings and yearnings though and made sure I gave him credit and love and told him how much I loved the letter and treasured every piece of art he created in life.

He is so sweet and such a gentle soul.  I am just so blessed that god chose to give him to us.  To let us learn and love him.  I did meet a new OBGYN this week that I am interested in taking my case and I really liked her.  I asked her blunt questions on if she had time for me and if I would be overloading her with my case and to PLEASE tell me now and I would keep my searching going.  She did accept me as a patient then began to tell me of her stories that she held herself.  She has been thru two second trimester losses due to incompetent cervix.  She has since had 2 successful pregnancies and proudly shares their pictures all around her office.  The office was nice calming shades of blue with beautiful artwork displayed of all the doctor's with their own families instead of models.  I liked that part.  I tried to pay close attention to detail.  They had couches to sit on in the waiting room which I loved because being hugely pregnant chairs are not your friend and they make you seriously think about hauling around a geriatric donut to sit on.  She was calm and nice took me in her office and we sat down to talk.  She waited for me to finish all my story without rushing me.  She read my chart prior to seeing me.  She even noticed I was due for a pap smear and offered to do it before I left so that I could do it under one visit.  I thought that was nice.  I agreed and made a joke about not being prepared and not shaving my legs she joked back saying I could feel her's and it would make me feel better because she was also unable to shave LOL May have been a simple joke to others but it made me at ease.  She said alot of valuable things that made me think she could really be the person I am searching for to help bring our next child home.  I would still see the same high risk of course I would never give her nor her staff up.  So when the time does come and we are ready at least things are set up so that we are not rushing or overwhelmed with the what next steps.  I want to make sure we are relaxed and enjoy the next time at least as much as possible.  Please no one ask us when that is or will be as it is a private choice between us and our family.  We may not even know as we don't know this life path we are being taken on.  But we do know we will get prepared so that when we are ready it will be a smoother transition.  Until then.  Stay blessed count your blessings hold your babies and kiss the wind for your angels.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Infant Loss Day

Today was my first Infant Loss Day.  I didn't think about it until it was to late to take myself off the schedule so today I was at work.  I worked the NICU and it wasn't bad emotional wise.  I was useful and focused on my work and taking care of those who needed me at the time.  I kept my mind busy so maybe that was for the best.  I thought of Delanie and all the angels I have come to know in my life.  I thought about so many sets of parents before Delanie even passed that have been suffering loss over all these years.  Sad how I look at them in some strange ways as mentors now like senior upper classmen that you you look up to in a strange way.  You look to them for guidance and know from them living everyday life that it is actually possible for life to keep going even though you feel like your world is constantly standing still from time to time.  You look to them for proof that this is not beatable but liveable.  That you will smile again and laugh and even enjoy the some sweet moments in life again.  But you also learn that your thoughts will never be to far from the missing piece of your heart.  I worked and then came home to my houseful of wonderfully healthy nieces and my beautiful son smiling and happy.  I remembered even when feeling my world will crash down to be thankful for my wonderful blessings.  Not to forget these beautiful babies that did have a chance.  I came home and arranged the photos of candles that I had thought about today and then took them with my camera on my phone and of course posted my support on facebook.

One Candle for my angel alone and then one for the many angels of my dear friends that have lost their own angels to soon.

For my Angel Delanie Faye taken in her room still the same as it was.  Still haven't changed anything in there.  Someday...but not right now

For the other angels I am always thinking and praying for as well.  Praying for those angels lost to soon

Infant loss day 2011

Thursday, October 6, 2011

6 long but short months

Happy Angelversary my love.  Today you grew your wings and went home to god and to many people waiting for you with open arms waiting to rock you for mommy and daddy and hold you close.  You were so perfect with your daddy's features and chubby cheeks and sweet smell of a newborn.  You were perfect in everyway to perfect for this world.  Your hair golden and eyes peircing blue no wonder god wanted to as one of his angels.  Thank you so much for choosing us to love you for your short time.  I know it was hard to make that choice and I am honored you chose this family.  We love you so much little one your brother and family miss you daily and there is not a moment in the day that the thoughts of you don't consume me.  I think about you all the time and will never stop loving you. 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I am strong I know I am I have to be to be thru all that we have been thru in life and still be standing.  Just every now and then I would really like to see the easy route thru life's twists and turns but then again working hard and not having the easy things handed to me I think has made me a stronger and better person than maybe I would have been without them.  Would I have been the good mother I know I am to Dustin without knowing how precious his life truly is?  I can't answer that fully because its something unknown.  I fought to get pregnant then I fought to keep him alive I just feel like I have spent my whole life fighting for the family I know we deserve.  All my life since I was little the only thing I have ever had in my mind was to be a mother.  I have wanted children with my whole being.  And I know I am super blessed with Dustin and with Delanie even though she was here a short time I am forever her mother that title never fades or goes away.  I know I am lucky to not only have a father for my children that is wonderful and thoughtful and hands on and supportive but also my dear soul mate.  Not many people can say that and know it full with their heart.  I could not live without John being the other half of me.  So back to the easy way.  If I had it the easy way would I have the love rich feelings towards my family and motherhood?  I wish it had been easier but would I have take life's simple things for granted that most people think are trivial?  I remember Dustin's first cry after being getting off the vent for the first time in almost 2 months.  April 26th 2003 I waited all day because the boy never cried.  I waited and sat next to his bedside warmer and waited and waited.  Finally his 3rd feeding of the day was about 5 minutes late and I started to hear a raspy whimper come from his little mouth and then he started squirming around.  I was breathless and teary that was my son and that was his little roar he fought so dearly to have.  I was amazed and my faith in god grew stronger that very second.  People prolly thought I was a idiot they prolly didn't know I was waiting for something so special and long awaited for me but trivial and maybe a annoyance to them.  I waited and I was rewarded with a sweet raspy sound from my first born son.  It was worth it.  So with Delanie.  I waited and put myself and body thru so much to see those 2 lines once again.  I waited...I waited...years pasted and still I waited...always in my head just wait and you will be rewarded.  And I was they came and brought me something many people don't have and have never held or touched their own angel.  I thought even if god had come to me and said I know you have been waiting but all I have is a angel that won't be able to stay long but will change your life and bring you joy, Will you take her for her short time here in a show her love and let her feel your warmth and strength"  I would have said yes with no hesiation.  So who says I am not blessed.  I waited for her and she came.  My whole life has been a challenge but in my children I will never take a breath or giggle for granted and I will spend my whole life waiting for the greatness brought to me.  After all they are worth it and if I have to spend my time waiting for them that is time very well spent.  After the rain comes a rainbow you just have to look thru the clouds and wait for the rain to settle and stop and stay strong thru the winds and keep your face forward or you will miss the rainbow if you give up and hide and find shelter.  So wait the storm out and you will be rewarded.  I will keep waiting lord and I will be rewarded I will stay strong I will stay face up and I will keep fighting.

Monday, October 3, 2011

October 15th

October 15th is national perinatel and infant loss day.  How sad that this happens to much that there is a day and even a whole month to remember it.  I think about her so much it never lessens each day just the effects of it aren't as heart crushingly painful.  Thanks to time aka pain medication.  I still stick to the theory that time is like pain medication for the grieving.  Doesn't take away the pain but helps numb the effects so that you can get thru every day life and find your " new normal"  I am still thinking about the slide show and I really want to go thru with it but only with my husband's blessing.  Not sure when we will do it we haven't talked much about it.  The fetal Demise program at work is going really well and we now have a closet full of things that we can try to comfort the families with to help them in such a raw and emotional time.  I talked with the threads of love foundation today and they came in and brought me some more supplies that we needed and they were all breathtakingly beautiful!  Just seeing them make my eyes well up with pride thinking we would be putting these precious outfits on such beautiful angels.  They were priceless.  Although YES I wish there were no babies to use them on but there is and I pray for them all daily.  I wish I could take it all away from them the pain and the knowing of the path they will walk on.  I see them in the hosptial and not all the grief hits you there.  Its more the numb feeling and loss.  But the hardcore grief I beleive hits you once you are home and alone and start slowly going thru the stages of grief and loss.  I count the good things in my life to keep me afloat.  No matter how small they are.  I think I am blessed. The car didn't break down, my son's grades are good, my washer didn't break nor did any other appliances, no one got in a wreck, my pets are healthy, we have jobs, ect.  just keep counting until the negative doesn't consume you into the darkness of depression.  Take it from Dorie the fish on finding nemo...just keep  Dustin lights up my life everyday and I thank god so much for him.  He keeps me sane and laughing and he is so perfect.  He is such a good big brother and talks about Delanie all the time.  He always worries about other people and his heart is so perfect.  I wonder how I was chosen to be his mother and how lucky I am to have him.  The things that come out of his mouth just amaze me.  He makes me believe that in the future the world will be better because he is in it.  He is a thin league of good hearted people it seems these days.  And god gave him to me =)  

So remember those that have earned there wings WAY to soon.  October 15th light a candle for those babies and the parents walking around with broken hearts forever missing them.