Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I am strong I know I am I have to be to be thru all that we have been thru in life and still be standing.  Just every now and then I would really like to see the easy route thru life's twists and turns but then again working hard and not having the easy things handed to me I think has made me a stronger and better person than maybe I would have been without them.  Would I have been the good mother I know I am to Dustin without knowing how precious his life truly is?  I can't answer that fully because its something unknown.  I fought to get pregnant then I fought to keep him alive I just feel like I have spent my whole life fighting for the family I know we deserve.  All my life since I was little the only thing I have ever had in my mind was to be a mother.  I have wanted children with my whole being.  And I know I am super blessed with Dustin and with Delanie even though she was here a short time I am forever her mother that title never fades or goes away.  I know I am lucky to not only have a father for my children that is wonderful and thoughtful and hands on and supportive but also my dear soul mate.  Not many people can say that and know it full with their heart.  I could not live without John being the other half of me.  So back to the easy way.  If I had it the easy way would I have the love rich feelings towards my family and motherhood?  I wish it had been easier but would I have take life's simple things for granted that most people think are trivial?  I remember Dustin's first cry after being getting off the vent for the first time in almost 2 months.  April 26th 2003 I waited all day because the boy never cried.  I waited and sat next to his bedside warmer and waited and waited.  Finally his 3rd feeding of the day was about 5 minutes late and I started to hear a raspy whimper come from his little mouth and then he started squirming around.  I was breathless and teary that was my son and that was his little roar he fought so dearly to have.  I was amazed and my faith in god grew stronger that very second.  People prolly thought I was a idiot they prolly didn't know I was waiting for something so special and long awaited for me but trivial and maybe a annoyance to them.  I waited and I was rewarded with a sweet raspy sound from my first born son.  It was worth it.  So with Delanie.  I waited and put myself and body thru so much to see those 2 lines once again.  I waited...I waited...years pasted and still I waited...always in my head just wait and you will be rewarded.  And I was they came and brought me something many people don't have and have never held or touched their own angel.  I thought even if god had come to me and said I know you have been waiting but all I have is a angel that won't be able to stay long but will change your life and bring you joy, Will you take her for her short time here in a show her love and let her feel your warmth and strength"  I would have said yes with no hesiation.  So who says I am not blessed.  I waited for her and she came.  My whole life has been a challenge but in my children I will never take a breath or giggle for granted and I will spend my whole life waiting for the greatness brought to me.  After all they are worth it and if I have to spend my time waiting for them that is time very well spent.  After the rain comes a rainbow you just have to look thru the clouds and wait for the rain to settle and stop and stay strong thru the winds and keep your face forward or you will miss the rainbow if you give up and hide and find shelter.  So wait the storm out and you will be rewarded.  I will keep waiting lord and I will be rewarded I will stay strong I will stay face up and I will keep fighting.

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