Monday, December 17, 2012

One of the worst weeks...

I guess it is time to sit down and try to give a brief look into the past week.  It has been one I will never forget and one that in some ways I wish I could.  It has been a huge trial for our small family unit but one that will I am sure teach us lessons on life and make our love even stronger together.  On monday things were still good went to my appt. and life was good.  Tuesday my 15 year old blue heeler was sick and we knew her time was near already and had just been trying to make these last few weeks the best for her.  Dustin had a theory that Lilly would be Delanie's Christmas present and that gave us great peace and comfort.  Leave it to my wonderful son to bring light into the situation.  So Tuesday she was even sicker and she was not happy and I knew it was time.  My sweet husband came home and took her to a good friend's vet clinic that had seen her for the past 3 years.  They were very caring and sweet and really made me feel more at ease knowing she was spending her last moments with people that actually cared and my husband her daddy by her side.  John later that night told me the story of Lilly.  When he got her out of the car people came to greet him from the clinic knowing how hard it was going to be for him.  Once he got Lilly out of the car a pretty orange butterfly landed on Lilly's nose.  Anyone know's Delanie was our butterfly her whole room was done in butterflies and then she became our own personal butterfly which later we found out was the national infant loss symbol which we had not known prior.  So with that behind us we figured that was the worst.  NO it wasn't near it.  Thursday night we got a phone call that John's father had colapsed in the garage suddenly and that EMS was there working on him.  John was on his way home he had just pulled in the neighborhood so I got ready called my sister and asked her to come over because Dustin was already in bed and I didn't want to wake him and she is only two streets over.  John came in and we quickly left for the hospital.  I had already had a feeling that this was it and that is why I made my husband take me but calmly talked to him the way to the hospital in hopes of him not catching on to how serious I really felt it was.  We got there very quickly and met John's mother in the waiting room where we waited together for the news on how our beloved grandpa was doing and if like he always does would beat this and defy odds.  This time was not that time.  We were escorted to a little room where we were greeted with hosptial staff and personal and a chaplin.  The doctor came in and broke the news to us.  That my dear husband a only child and John's wonderful loving mother a wife of 36 years and Dustin the only living grandchild had lost their grandpa, father and husband.  For 15 years this man has been in my life he has drove me crazy, shown me love, taught me lessons and provided me with the most wonderful grandfather for my son and now he was gone.  I knew where he was I am sure he rushed to get dibs on his grand daughter Delanie.  He had been saying how hard it was not to have been able to hold her and now he gets her all to himself to love hold and raise.  She is not alone he is there to show her all that he has shown us.  I am sad he will not be able to hold Kinley Raye but know he will be there watching in that hospital room holding Delanie up in his arms so that she too can get a peak at her little sister.  I know it will be a happy day for him too but for us here we will look up and think about him and send a little wish to god that he was there with us in body.  His services are tomorrow full military honors as he was a well respected vet and cherished his military past and career.  It will be a hard day but together we will get thru it.  Then if that all wasn't enough my dear husband on Saturday started feeling achy and rushed to the med clinic knowing we are having a baby in less then a week and yes of course tested positive for the flu.  Dustin and I both had shots so we have been okay.  John did not get his this year.  He was given tamiflu to help lessen the time and symptoms.  I am hoping and praying he is well and not contagious for Thursday delivery of our daughter.  He seems to be feeling much better today and of course will be at his father's services tomorrow.  So please wish us prayers of health and strength and a good delivery on Thursday morning.  Lord please keep our family close and strong..

Monday, December 10, 2012

35+5 days high risk appt

Yep I am almost 36 weeks!!  WHAT???  LOL I am super excited and doing more because they said if I go into labor then I go into labor basically.  So I am taking it easy but doing stuff here and there to try to help out some.  Also have gone out to eat a few times!  Which is nice because I won't go for awhile after I have our little Kinley NEXT WEEK!  Kinley will be here on Thursday December 20th @ 0915 am =)  I am super excited and the whole family is a buzz of excitement too!  This weekend we are finishing up cleaning and getting everything ready!  Her bags are packed, mine are semi packed because I am still wearing some of the stuff I want to take and John will need to add cloths in as well.  I will also need to pack Dustin a bag to go to grandma's house because it is closer to the hospital.  So the high risk appt today went wonderfully.  The sonographer that has always been right on said her weight at 35+5 weeks was 7 pounds 14 oz!  Then the doctor came in and she always does her own sono too and she was a little blown away by the weight and reweighed her and said her weight was 6 lbs 14 oz.  So who knows!  We shall know forsure next week right?  LOL  Either way a big healthy baby is in order for us.  I am just so ready to get this show on the road!!  John is hoping she is born this wednesday on 12-12-12!  LOL  We shall see!  I would be a little nervous about her coming out at 36 weeks but I just pray everything works out!  Wish I knew forsure when she was going to make her magic appearance!  She is doing good though and passed her BPP with a 8/8 and NST was flawless and she was extremely active today.  She is still active tonight!  Please keep it up little one I will let you rest more when you get here!  Mommy is a little crazy right now and needs to feel you moving ALL the time =)

Face up against the placenta

Foot up against the placenta LOL  Kicking her pillow!

Little princess!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Sooo behind because of germs!!

Yes GERMS!  On Monday I was fine went to my high risk appt and had a ball with everyone in the office like always after I leave there I feel great because I have reassurance and feel safe.  Then come later that night throat kind of itched and then BAM full on sick!!  I have no idea what is wrong with me but it went straight to my chest and the next morning I had to go in to the OB because I was on my freaking death bed!  I was so scared that it would be like last time and I would end up getting THAT sick again and frankly now I realize I am traumatized from what happened in July.  Luckly after two antibiotics I am feeling better today.  So on with the doctor's appts!  Monday baby was wonderful and scored great had a flawless sono with BPP and was a hefty 5 pounds 12 oz her NST was wonderful and I was switched over to heparin twice a day to get me ready for delivery incase it happens sooner then expected.  So the second appt was the next day because I was sick I went in and they gave me two shots of rocephen and then baby was tachy but so was I so I think it was stressing her out.  So I was stuck on the monitor until she improved.  At first she was non-reactive but as soon as I drank some juice she was reactive and heart rate was better so they said I could go home to sleep because I did not sleep the whole night before but maybe 30 minutes to a hour at a time.  They also sent me home on keflex.  The horrid thing about being sick when you are pregnant is you can't take ANYTHING!!  Especially in the third trimester everything that actually works is off limits.  Not only that is I am coughing and sneezing and vomiting because of all the flem which is not good for someone with a incompetent cervix.  My pelvis hurts so bad from all the muscle strain its unbelievable and hard to walk.  But I am now over 34 wonderful weeks!  Next goal is 36 weeks and then its BABY!  Only 3 weeks until my c-section???!!!  WHAT?  I may actually make this?  I might actually TAKE home my baby with me?  We are ready for you Kinley Raye keep hanging in there baby we will make you happy for the rest of your life!


Saturday, November 17, 2012

I was so tuckered out yesterday I totally came home threw something in my mouth and went to sleep!  I was feeling so sick that morning I have no clue what was wrong I just really have to chalk it up to stuff going on in there that I can't see happening!  Like gut punches and stretching maybe making things out of balance who knows!  I didn't sleep well the night before so I was really extremely sleepy.  So I tried to lay down until I HAD to leave for the appt finally had to go or I would be late and people who know me know the world would end if I was late!  The appt went well I was seeing a different doctor then mine because my doctor has me on a rotation to meet all the doctors since I come weekly and I am high risk you never know who I will end up delivering with.  Which I am okay with and it works out nicely cause I see my doctor one week and then one of her partner's the next week.  This was the end of those rotation since they only have about 6 doctor's I think.  We did the NST first and she was reactive and had about 4 good axcels in about 30 minutes so I was happy.  She was sleepy but so was I and usually to tell you the truth at the time we were doing the NST and such we usually are taking a nap!  And she is such a good baby she usually does nap when I do!  Hope it stays that way!  Next up we did the BPP she was practicing her breathing right away and did her movement and tone and flex fast as well.  My fluid level was a little concerning to me the first measurement was 24 cm and that is considered polyhydramnios for my week of gestation.  THen she redid it just to make sure and it was a 21 still high but not poly yet.  It starts at 24 for 32 weeks gestation.  But she was moving good heartrate was nice and we have a follow up on Monday for another BPP and NST with high risk so I will see what the measurement is on Monday to see if we are doing a pattern here or if we just had a off sono by chance.  Taking it easy this weekend of course incase my water breaks since there is so much of it it's more likely to happen.  But so far been really good she is moving well and keeping up with her schedule on cue.  Yes this sweet baby is perfect because she does stay on schedule with her moving which is awesome I always say she is the perfect rainbow baby for a crazy ol momma that freaks out over everything since losing her sister.  I have now been pregnant for the longest time ever!  Well last week really but it's settling in now.  I am feeling good about maybe even making it to our c-section date!  December 20th at 0915 will hopefully be the day we meet our daughter!  I dream about that day often!  I think about how it will play out and hopefully it is all the very best of senerios!  I dream of finally having Dustin run in the room with his big brother shirt on and letting him meet his long long awaited sibling.  I dream of them placing her on my chest all warm and squiggly and just laying my head back and taking in the moment and breathing in a sigh of relief and accomplishment.  I want to make sure we suck in every second of every precious moment.  I dream of watching John walk around the room holding one of his daughter's and rocking her just like the first one and smiling sweetly at her.  I dream of all the family coming to meet her and say who she looks like and see them smile and finally happiness wiped over everyone's faces.  John's parents holding one of their grand daughter's for the very first time.  John's mom finally getting to wrap a baby in pink which I am sure she is dieing for!  My sister smelling her cause yes she is a baby sniffer....LOL  Just everyone I think about each person and their reaction and the prize that this one little baby that we have struggled so very hard to get here will all be worth any suffering, pain, money, prayer that we have been thru.  I just am wanting it to please happen I know there is no gaurentee in life even then late in the game but I just want to believe that this will happen and we will not end this journey in suffering and loss but in gain and light and love.  Delanie is no where forgotten she gets stronger and grows stronger with her sister.  She is a sister watching fiercely over her little sister daring hopefully anyone to lay a finger on her.  Because that is what sister's do they protect and watch over eachother and make life pretty even if it may be dark and scary.  Why should my girl's be any different?  My son sure isn't!  He loves with all his heart and that is extrodinary these days and times.  I have no idea how I got so lucky to be chosen for these special children.  I know now why I have to wait so long for their souls to come into our lives because they are one of a kind hand picked by my god and angels above just for us.  I have always said no matter the outcome I would never choose them different. 

Monday, November 12, 2012

31+5 weeks high risk visit

This baby is trying to drive her mother up the wall completely!  Went to my high risk appointment today with the lovely Dr. M which I adore everything started off wonderfully and she was active during the sonogram and weighs a hefty 4 pounds 3 oz which was mommy's guess weight this week =)  Then we got to the BPP portion of the sonogram and she scored wonderful on everything except her breathing which is very weird for her because she always is breathing and we never even have to look just for it because she does the whole sonogram but today she was very sleepy and holding her breath for us.....We then did the NST to see what was up and she did beautifully and axceled often up to the 190's at times which is wonderful.  So after that was completed and we got her to wake up more with cold water we repeated the sono BPP and right as we put the want on she is breathing like she ran a marathon....CRAZY KID don't you know you are killing your mother over here??  She then proceeded to breath thru the whole sono and kick like crazy.  Dr.  M told me that if she hadn't started up breathing she still would be okay with it because it's more a developemental milestone rather then a fetal well being marker.  She said if she hadn't started she would have just sent me for the night over to labor and delivery.  We had a long talk about me going to labor and delivery more if I felt ANY need what so ever she said she didn't care if I were there daily and wouldn't blame me at all.  I haven't been there since 24 weeks for the preterm labor.  So this week I am going to focus hard on kick counts and averages and if any movement is not made during a hour or so I will just head in for a BPP and NST in labor and delivery to make sure things are all on the up and up.  I joked and told her that they would be wheeling a fully grey haired lady in a fashionable straight jacket to the OR on c-section date.  I just am praying and hoping god and all my angels are leading me and the team of doctors I have in the right direction and please god don't let me make any bad choices that I will regret later.  Cause I will tell you regret is the ugliest feeling in this world when it comes to the grief world.  I think about the days before Delanie even though she showed no signs to me.  She moved well enough not to go in.  I simply went to sleep with a live baby and awoke with my child gone from me.  Which I think in a way it makes it even worse.  How do I prevent that?  Each night I go to sleep loving her even more knowing tomorrow is never promised its only given when you open your eyes reach your hand down and feel that magic movement and pick your heart up off the floor when you finally get the kick or punch of the morning.  Luck for me she usually wakes mommy up so I don't have to wait and have that heart drop feeling.  She is a wonderful baby to have as a rainbow.  I just hope and pray lord please let this pay off for us and please keep her safe and with us.  I pray that if something should go crazy let my water break or her be born before anything.  I would rather take care of a preemie then go home empty handed again and broken hearted.  She is still kicking away right now letting me know hey mom I am sorry I was just kidding about earlier but I still plan to torture her a little extra during her teenage years as pay back.  Here are some pictures of the first sonogram I will post one from the second in a little bit =)

big feet lol

Doing sign language for more food please!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Monday, November 5, 2012

Catch up for week 30

I always seem to blog more in my head lately then on here!  Hard to explain LOL  On Friday was my OBGYN appt and it was good they were busy but NST was great and they then informed me between 34-36 weeks my cerclage will be coming out which I was like OKAY and then walked out.  Then later that night I was like WAIT if they take that stitch out there is NO WAY I will hold this baby in!  So Kinley could be here in 3-4 weeks?  HOLY CRAP!  Freaked out a little and then got scary feelings and then back to happy ones.  My sister and her girls and her husband came to work on Kinley's room this weekend and we got so much done!  All her clothes are washed and ready in drawers and organizers.  I have about 15 outfits I want to take to the hospital so need to narrow those down for sure!  Was a good long weekend with lots of family so that was nice not to be totally bored all the time!

High-risk appt-Had that today and we did pretty good!  BPP was great she was super cute and showing off.  In one picture she scored great for tone because she was HOLDING her foot with her hand by her head!  The tech was laughing and snapped a few pictures.  My cervix was worse at the lowest measurement being a 1.8 which is the lowest I have been this pregnancy.  I was a 1.7 with Delanie.  So I will just have to take it easy you never know next week it could bounce back up to a 2.5 and above.  But the good thing is she is healthy and active.  My NST was good and reactive baby got hiccups in the middle of it and got very angry and we had to search her out for about 10 minutes cause she kept moving.  I will try to get some pictures of the room progress on here and I need to take some belly shots.  Will write more later!! 

Here are some pictures of today!

30 weeks 5 days!

Looks a little weird but that is her mouth opening LOL

This is a FUNNY picture of her face profile and then at the top right of the corner you see her foot and then her fingers are wrapped around her toes playing with her little foot LOL

3D of bottom of face the eyes were to covered but you can see her pretty lips and nose really well

more of the side of her bottom of face

Monday, October 29, 2012

29+5 day high risk

So today was the high risk check up which I was eagerly waiting for because I wanted to make sure all these contractions are not effecting my cervix.  The appointment was good but long but I am great with that.  She is my now my heaviest baby!  She is 29+5 weeks and already 3 pounds 7 oz in weight!  She is doing great!  Her BPP was a 8/8 and everything looked great sono wise.  My cervix was still very very much funneled and moody but it was a nice length of 2.7 which is great it actually went up a bit!  I have been taking it extremely easy at home so it's paying off forsure.  My fluid was a 17 and I recieved another 17P injection like I do every Monday.  The NST was good it was a bit longer then expected just because she wanted a clear baseline and they are extra careful with me which is fine!  I love being in good hands and with people who actually CARE about us =)  Kinley was active and all else was well.  So we are on to week 30 hopefully!  Our next goal would be 32 weeks and that would be fabulous! 


Hi mom!

Her little face its hard to view cause her placenta is in front

Face with elbow always up!

Face and elbow


Another little profile

Thursday, October 25, 2012

29th week

I need to catch up because I forgot to write about Monday's high risk check up!  Baby was great scored a 8/8 for her BPP and my cervix was a 2.36 it was a 2.34 the week prior so not a whole lot of change we are still hanging low.  Her NST was great and she was reactive and jumping around showing off her skills trying to act like a full term girl.  The whole visit was fine as always there in my comfort zone aka Dr. Mcfarland's whole office.  I always feel that is my safe place and they can never do any wrong and I trust them more then anything so I am relaxed there =)  Her AFi was 17 so still beautiful there as well.  So she said just still stick with the bedrest and we will see her again every Monday until baby comes =)

OBGYN check up today (10/25)
My NST was not to my liking....She had one axcel and they only kept me on for about 20 minutes if that.  During that 20 minutes I contracted several times of what I thought I was having was round ligament pain mixed with gas but now I know opps those are contractions.  I have been feeling different for the past two days having a heavy feeling in my belly when I get up almost like I have a UTI and pulling sensation which led me to believe the round ligament pain was the culprit.  I have had tightness in the upper abd but I do when she stretches too because she is a super long baby I swear I could cough up her foot at anytime.  LOL  But this has all be ctx now but I have such a high pain tolerance I wouldn't call them painful but they were pretty up there on the NST today.  What surprised me is when I got to talk to the doctor and we started talking about the NST she was okay with it but I was not.  I was concerned about the one axcel but truely I don't think I was on enough to get a proper reading and Kinley was sleeping.  So she said we could do a BPP to see her scoring.  Then I was conecerned about the contractions being so close together and stronger then I thought they were and she said well some people just contract with no change and are fine we don't know if that may just be your case.  I get that but I am freaking out at this moment and starting not to think properly because I am thinking you are not fighting enough you don't want regrets Holly start fighting.  So I tell her I have a issue with that so she said we will check your cervical length to see the difference and if they are causing any change.  So I agree with the plan of care and go back to the waiting room to wait for their sono person to come get me.  Mean while I am freaking and call Cindy at Dr. Mcfarland's office because I need to hear her voice and tell her what is going on.  She tells me to calm down and talks to me for a bit and then tells me to finish there and let them do the full work up and we can go from there.  I hang up and feel better just needed that.  The sono lady that comes in is VERY nice and calls herself granny hazy (hazel is her name) and starts talking to Kinley as she is sonoing and Kinley is bouncing around going crazy and showing off skills she has never had before LOL she is grasping with her hands (fine motor skill) and breathing and plenty of movement (a little to much) and extremely healthy.  She scores a 8/8 extremely quickly on her BPP all is well and I am breathing better.  Granny Hazy then checks the cervix which is varying because I am also contracting so this takes a few minutes.  We get a reading of 2.1 which is not to bad just alot of action down there but not alot of damage and cerclage is nice and intact and we still have room before the crvix reaches there.  So basically we are waiting for bleeding or changes in mucus to say we are having cervical changes or worsening painful contractions before we are acting on anything.  I am at a loss because hoping I am doing everything right.  I am at home now laying flat and guzzling fluids like crazy still crampy and uncomfty.  I guess we are just having a preemie and that is just what is going to happen.  They changed my c-section date also because the doctor will not be in that day so our new date is December 20th but I personally think I will never make it to that goal.  We shall see only time can tell.  I just want to FFWD to Monday to see Dr. Mcfarland again and feel that ease and relaxing feeling and being totally taken care of.  Wish us luck....

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

62 more days

62 more days until my sweet baby is scheduled to come into this world.  Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see the future and know if everything turns out okay and we all walk away with the happiest of endings and then maybe I could rest assured and not stay awake at night wondering about the what if's and what I will wake up to each morning.  This isn't every day but I do feel as I get further along it might get worse.  Going to bed each night feeling her move inside me and knowing she is healthy I race to get up each morning and quickly do my bathroom routine and then lay back in bed and wait for my sweet girl to start moving again to know that thank god we have made it thru another day.  Sometimes I say she is the perfect rainbow baby to have though because I can feel movement all the time!  Usually before I even wake up she is starting to wiggle around.  So if there is a baby that is meant to be a rainbow baby it would be her.  God how losing a child can seem to pop your imaginary bubble of nieveness that you only read about all the bad things happening and you read all those poor mothers blogs and stare in awe and think oh my god that poor woman I am so glad that didn't happen to me or you believe it never will.  Then a couple months later that girl is you and people are reading about you in awe and disbelief.  I still have not read my blog.  People tell me how well written it is and so on but to me I feel as if I am babbling in circles at times and not really sure if it clues in or makes any sense at all.  But hey I guess that is my real mind and how it is working at the time.  The pregnancy brain now doesn't help sort thoughts.  I hardly ever write on here but mean to much more but laugh at myself from time to time because in my mind I am constantly writing out blogs sitting by myself in the room staring out my window.  I think about so much and ponder so much.  Time seems to move so slow on some days and then fast paced on others.  I worry about everything in life from normal everyday things all the way to the end of the world.  I guess they say its a mother's job to worry well I over achieve at that alot!  I just wish I could unwind and enjoy life more I wish I could breath a little easier.  I don't think people understand sometimes as you look there normal all the things that are really wondering around in this brain of mine and heart.  I worry all the time about anything and everything.  Even simple things I can't seem to sit back and relax about.  Dustin is so sweet and kisses my belly and loves on Kinley so much and talks to her.  In part of my mind I am wanting him to and then the other part I am wanting to protect him from another loss and wanting to build up a wall for him.  But that is not my Dustin he loves with his WHOLE heart and desperately wants a sibling.  He tells me all the time Mommy this baby is strong she will make it...right?  I have to tell him yes she is strong she has a 3 vessel cord Dustin and she is bigger then you even were.  Reassurance that is what my child needs and even if I need it myself from time to time I will always give it to him.  I will always try my best to provide him with any need he has rather emotional or material.  Time is ticking I wish it would just tick along a little faster....sometimes I sit in my room and wish there was a coma pill you could take to make you wake up the day of your delivery!  Whenever that will be!  That is so up in the air I never know if I will make it to the delivery date or if I will be having the baby in the morning who knows!  All I know is today she is with me and I have to be thankful for that and we will wait for tomorrow and then recount blessings and keep going from there each day.  That is all we can do.

Monday, October 15, 2012

27+5 wks high risk appt

Almost 28 weeks which is a beautiful thing it makes such a huge difference NICU experaince and length in stay.  So today I had my high risk appt. I have no idea why I like to cause so much trouble.  I was sitting in the waiting room just waiting after giving my urine sample and smelling some horrid smell from the person in there prior and then came back to wait with my friend Sylvia who had met me there for the appt.  I had been feeling a little short of breath when I was waiting for the stinky lady to leave the bathroom but brushed it off to the pollen counts for the day.  When I got back to Sylvia in the waiting room I started feeling light headed but brushed it off and kept talking.  Then I felt a hot and cold feeling and I couldn't breath well and felt like I could vomit and go to the bathroom all this at the same time!  By that time I had stopped talking and was looking off because my vision was disturbed and I felt like I was going to faint.  Sylvia saw my face and she said I was pale and went to get help.  The nurses came out and put me in a room in the back and gave me cold water and started taking vitals.  In the end my blood pressure had dropped for some reason but returned back to normal and after being there for almost 3 hours by the time I left I felt like myself and fine enough to go home.  It has not happened since so I think it was a fluke.  Baby measured wonderful at a nice 2 pounds 10 oz and was measuring great.  She had a grade 2 placenta and fluid was 17 cm.  One thing that did change for the worse was my cervix it was a 2.4 which is the lowest it has been this pregnancy but it's still stable and thinking we still have some time left.  Lord only knows how much.  We also had another 17p injection and then completed our NST and baby passed and she scored a 8/8 on her BPP so that is all good stuff.  She was stubborn on pictures today and kept her arms and hands in her face at all times so the sono tech just took the picture like that to show miss Kinley's stubborn side!  My sweet spirited girl.  Please stay strong my love. 

side of her face with her arm infront of it blocking our view...LOL silly girl

Friday, October 12, 2012

Sitting here

Looking around the room that is my little bubble and has been a time before.  The bed is different my room I rearranged after Delanie passed and I spent so much time in here holding her in loving her and patting my belly I needed it to be different.  The bed faces differently I look at the window now with this long pregnancy ahead of me again.  But thankful I am here thankful I have the chance to carry another sweet little girl with full hopes of taking her home.  And just praying these sore body parts and aches and pains pay off with a lifetime of happiness and sweet smiles.  I think of the window and the rays of light that come in every morning as I watch my morning shows or play on my daily facebook routine and I think of my daughter I am carrying and why we named her middle name Raye.  Its because of those rays of lights that give us hope of a new day that give us a chance to live each day.  She is our Raye of light thru a fierce storm of grief and loss.  Not that my sweet baby girl Delanie was anything to be sad about but the loss of her sweet face and spirit was.  She will never be forgotten and this little sister does not erase the grief but gives me light to shine thru it on the worst of days.  I know I will get a chance to be with Delanie and hopefully a second life at raising her in heaven when all my work here is said and done on earth.  That at least would be my idea of heaven.  Rocking her to sleep and changing her diapers and teaching her about the world no matter which one it is.  I hope that is what god has planned for me later much later in life.  She is my first born sweet little daughter and I am sure she will have a part in our lives daily even if we don't know it.  I pray to her just like I do to god each night.  I ask her to please keep her brother and sister in her prayers to keep them both safe and watch over them. 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Strong enough...

Sometimes I don't know if I am strong enough to get thru one day to the next.  I haven't been true to myself and my fellow loss mothers on here and posting what I really feel from day to day life and random feelings and fears and the true feelings of a pregnancy after loss and all the emotions and effects it has on a person.  Why because I am in constant fear of keeping everyone safe and I am constantly reassuring family members and friends of this pregnancy when I am the one half the time that needs the strength and reassuring.  I am constantly finding myself trying to prove that this baby is safe that she will live that this will be our take home baby.  The fact is that still birth happens for so many reasons and there is no 100% that it won't happen again and I know that and I know that the risk is worth taking worth dieing for worth anything we went thru in the past.  I don't regret Delanie and even if god as I have said in the past came to me and told me the end result I would have chose her and the ending.  I should have shared her maybe after she was born so that everyone could have seen just how perfect she was and is and that nothing bad could come from that little person and her little sweet face.  Just know that I am dealing with this and when you say you can't handle this again you may have went thru it and I know it hurt you but know that I am her mother and I went thru it daily and I faced the challenge of her pregnancy and birth and the after math of losing her first hand and that I know pain is pain but I can not handle comforting others all the time when sometimes I am the person that needs comfort and reassurance.  I am doing bed rest again and suffering thru the aches and pains and sadness that comes with it knowing that it will be for something even if its not the result I am praying and hoping for.  What it is what I go thru everyday is giving this little spirit a chance to glow and love and hopefully one day lay in my arms warm and bring home to my family.  I am not perfect and some days I am strong enough but others I am not.  And please please allow me that without thinking oh my god we have to do something Holly is depressed or lord she won't hurt herself will she?  I have no idea what goes thru people's minds.  But know I am not depressed I am a mother in mourning and will forever be that way and to top it off I am pregnant and feeling as if I am always holding the strings to life for my child and in constant prayer for her safety.  From now on what you read here is going to be from my heart and what others may need to hear for their venture down this long path of pregnancy after loss and know it may not be what you want to hear or learn but its something that I need to start writing.  I refrain from writing so much because I am painting this blog a rosey picture when really it has its rosey moments but it has to rain somedays. 

27 weeks!

We are doing wonderful and hoping to make it to our first "big" goal 28 weeks gestation when you are in a whole different ball game as far as NICU wise.  This is really starting to get exciting!  If I can hold on 10 more weeks it will be her scheduled c-section date!  That is 10 more weekends, 10 more Fridays, 10 of each and every day!  When you put it that way it doesn't seem near as long.  So my appointment yesterday at the fabulous high risk doctor that I don't think I could live without in our lives!  The appointment went great my cervix was a nice 3.4 cm which is great bed rest has gotten us some length and we hope to keep it the only this is it was more dinamic and funneling and open so we need to still be very careful.  They did the sono and did a BPP and she scored a 8/8 health wise and she was practicing breathing already which is a wonderful sight to see for a mother like myself.  They will weigh her again next week.  I had my glucose test and 17 p injection and routine blood work that I get every so often because of my MTHFR mutation and me being on lovenox injections daily.  I will prolly have results to those tests tomorrow early afternoon is when she usually calls me back.  I was also placed on the NST monitor to see how baby was over a period of time and I must say she was a show off letting us know how healthy she is and that she is hopefully here to stay with us forever.  Everyone was very impressed by how reactive her strip was and that she stayed on the monitor like a good girl.  Of course with mommy's help!  I was feeling really bad yesterday when I woke up and having upper gastric pain and just plain feeling bad tummy wise.  When I got to the office it was still going on and the glucose test did not help taking in 50grams of sugar when I don't even drink soda sucked!  I had mentioned it to my doctor and she wanted to dip my urine for protien which it was just a trace.  My BP has been slightly elevated but like 130/80's which is still not bad.  But with a couple of these things happening we will be watching it more closely as the headaches, upper gastric pain and BP up but hopefully not trending up can be precursors for HELLP syndrome or pre=eclampcia like when I had to give early birth to Dustin and did not do well myself.  But now I am educated and well on top of things and not planning to take any chances.  So I will just keep up with the bed rest, drink plenty of fluids, and try to keep stressful things out of my life.  I think a HUGE portion of stress is work and feeling guilty for leaving them again.  Also my short term disability has not happened as easy as it was last time and we still have no received any payments!  Luckily my husband works his job plus side jobs.  But still we pay for the service all year long and I would love to use it.  Hopefully it all works out soon because I also owe about 700 bucks to our insurance company for premiums that need to come out of those I know once it all gets done and taken care of it will feel nice and I can relax.  I know I need to take another belly shot and I will soon the thing is since I don't get out anywhere I mostly stick to pj's!  So when I get dressed again I will take pictures!  I think with this baby I am the largest maybe cause they were so close together?  With Delanie I actually think I was the smallest even counting Dustin's quick pregnancy.  Who knows I look at my body from a whole different view then others!  She moves the hardest out of all my babies as well.  She gets very violent at times and I am thinking she has anger management issues already.  Maybe another redhead? 

Her little feet

Her little face looking up towards my placenta

Kissing her placenta   

Monday, October 1, 2012

High risk check up

So today was another of my high risk check ups which I was really nervous about because all the contractions last week I was hoping didn't do to much damage on my cervix to cause shortening.  I followed doctor's orders perfectly this week and tried not to sit up more then 30 minutes per day and lay down 90% of the time and take quick showers.  My mother has been here to help and bring me drinks and food and such and family members will stop by and bring us lunch from time to time as well.  John spent the weekend trying to fatten baby girl up with protiens.  I was not feeling well all weekend due to allergies but feel better today thank goodness!  I have still had a couple contractions every now and then but nothing in a pattern and not to many close together so we are safe in that way.  Today when I went to lay down for the sonogram I had a strong contraction and had to wait for it to stop before I could do much or think of to much.  They caught the contraction right at the end during the sono and I think that is why it was a little shorter then expected.  It was around 2 when they first measured then after the contraction eased it was a 2.8.  Last weeks measurements it was a 3.5 without contraction and 2 something with contraction.  So we have gone down but are still stable and we still have room before it gets to the cerclage.  So I was able to go home today YAY!  No readmission thank goodness.  She did tell me that I could sit up more and walk to the kitchen to get a drink or snack then lay back down so alittle more room to move.  Baby Kinley was awesome and weighed in at 2 pounds even.  She was moving around and placenta and blood flow looked good and fluid level was a 16!  More then likely because I have been drinking like a FISH!  I in NO way want contractions back!  LOL  I got a few pictures of her to share she keeps her hands in her face so hard to get really good face shots!  She is ready for fighting!  Just so worried about her and so many emotions lately.  Just got to keep positive and keep going!  More to write later but wanted to fill everyone in on the doctor's appt! 

Kind of a weird motion shot LOL

arms are always by her face LMAO

Hi mom!  Either that or she is saluting us!  Hey we support our troops!

Thursday, September 27, 2012


So after all the trouble I had just finished writing about I decided to get into a little more...LOL  Tuesday night was the worst night I had contractions all night but felt so bad about keeping John and family up the night before in Labor and Delivery I decided to wait until morning because I knew my cervix was closed and I had no discharge or mucus changes or spotting so I knew things were okay and that the contractions were not making change in that area.  I stayed up until 2:30am with the back labor and then finally fell asleep.  I am thinking the first round of steriods didnt help the whole non sleep thing either.  So Wed morning I started calling doctor's to let them know about the night's events.  I was instructed to go to labor and Delivery to be admitted for further care and to start the second round of steriods for baby Kinley.  I asked my bestfriend to come get me and told John to stay at work since things were stable and I was only contracting at the time about once a hour or so.  So off we went to labor and delivery and I was admitted to stay at least over night to see what happened.  I was checked again and cervix was still closed.  I continuted contracting about once a hour sometimes every 30 minutes until 5:08 pm I contracted 6 times in a hour and then NOTHING LOL!  Crazy!  I think really my body needs to adjust to strict bedrest and taking it easy and things will start to flow better.  I was also NPO (nothing by mouth) until 4:30pm that day because they were unsure if they would have to take her or start mag which you are NPO for.  So I was behind on fluids but after that time I was DROWNING myself in them so I think that is what helped the contractions really stop fast!  I was actually able to sleep that night until about 4:30am which is good for me especially in a busy hospital with women screaming everywhere LOL  Was a busy busy night.  That morning since I hadn't done anything that night I asked if I would be allowed to go home and they said yes!  Since I did such a good job with Delanie and she knows I will call if I need to come in I was able to go home!  So now tonight I am happily back with my family relaxing and staying away from contractions hopefully!  So now the waiting game is on.  Kinley could come at any moment but we are hoping for at least 3 more weeks.  But its good to know she has all her steroids on board to be in the best shape possible.  She is a fiesty little thing!  Sure she will prolly be a redhead as firey as she is!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Baby Kinley

Pictures from doctor's visit at 24+6 days will try to take better pictures later these are with me phone lol

Tuesday, September 25, 2012


So yesterday I decided things were to quiet and needed to scare some people around because let's face it that is what I do while pregnant!  So yesterday I wasn't feeling well just kind of sick to my tummy but I had been feeling "gunky" all weekend and laid around for the main part of the weekend because of it.  Monday I really wanted to get out for a bit so mom and I went to Target to go buy Dustin a some new pants with some store credit I had.  When we got to the store I started feeling sick to my stomach again so we got two pairs and left quickly and picked up dinner on the way home and went home to lay down for the night.  Well about 6-630 I kept complaining about back pain but it didn't click until I said something out loud about "mom don't worry it comes and then goes away"  well then it hit me....DUH Holly that is what you don't want....LOL  So I laid down drank some fluids and took a hot shower but nothing seemed to work and the back pain kept coming so I decided around 830 after Dustin was in bed I would go in to get checked out at the hospital to take no chances.  John was in Austin on buisness and my mom was here to watch Dustin so I was just going to drive myself because to me it was no big deal it's just like a doctors appt but at night because I just wanted to make sure things weren't what I thought they were.  My sister came to get me though and my niece to take me down to the hospital.  I called John and even though I told him to stay there I think he was at the hospital in a hour or so from AUSTIN!  My poor husband he loves us so much.  When I got to L&D I had great service and everything was quickly done.  I had already called my doctor on call prior and orders were nicely there waiting for me.  I had a fetalfibranectomine(FFN) done of my cervix this test gives you a likely outcome of near delivery.  It was negative so that is a great thing!  Contractions were still coming but not picking up on the montior which MINE never do!  I have ALL back labor with Dustin and Kinley.  Delanie I never contracted to much at all.  So they sent me home on strict bedrest until today when I could follow up with the high risk doctor for further evaluation because her machines are better then the hospital and she calls most of the shots around there.  I was no dilated and cervix was thick and high via manual check.  So I felt good about today when getting my check up.  I was still having random back pain not as much as before though.  I got to the high risk doctor and they started the sono and at first things looked GREAT!  Cervix was a nice 3.5 in length and looked nice!  Then...contraction hit!!  Cervix funneled and went down to a 2.2 in length so (I AM CONTRACTING)  but they are not picking up.  I thought I was all along.  So things changed from there.  My fluid is a nice 13 cm of nice fluid.  Baby Kinley was wonderful and moving around she is breech right now which is nice because I wouldn't want any more added pressure on my cervix with her head so I am hoping she stays that way for as long as possible.  Doctor came in and said we are doing steroids and will be on strict bedrest for the remainder of the pregnancy (bummer)  but HEY I am in the game and baby is more then viable so I need to count my blessings.  They are not starting any meds right now to stop the contractions because they are irregular and not causing actual cervical change which is good.  You want to save the meds until they are absoulty needed because if you take them prolonged their effect can wear off and they not work when you NEED them forsure.  And they make you feel like crap (not that I care about that).  So we are trying to hold off if possible.  We are downing fluids and got our first round of steriods and will have our second round tomorrow and recheck my cervix Monday.  Hopefully we can stay at home they allowed me to come home because I am a nurse and they feel good because of how careful and successful I was with Delanie's bedrest and I DO follow orders!  So here we go the count down is on.  Kinley can come any day and each day is a blessing and a better outcome.  We will celebrate each week and goal and I know I can do this!  Please pray for us!  You will prolly be hearing from me alot more now that I am bed ridden!  Lord help me make it thru this SANE and with a sweet baby in my arms!  Tomorrow I am 25 weeks which is exactly when I had my 9 year old sweetie Dustin Tyler.  Hopefully she doesn't copy her big brother though!  Pictures to come in a little bit!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

24 weeks baby bump

Figured I should really start taking more pictures and documenting more on my little Kinley and her making her way into this world

Monday, September 17, 2012

23+5 high risk check up!

Quicky post about today's visit!  Kinley is doing great she is a nice 1 pound 7 oz and now out weighs her big brother's birth weight he was 1 pound 5 oz at birth LOL.  She was head down but that girl better know she is not going anywhere!  Her head was slightly turned to my hip so she was not as engaged which she has been which is awesome cause I have less pressure and feels great!  It was hard to get any face shots because of her position though!  Cervix was still funneling but was a nice 3.66 cm in length which is very very nice.  My blood pressure was good but we are watching it as it is a couple points higher then my normal.  She was healthy and moving around nicely so mommy was happy as the anxiety about her seems to be seeping in and getting worse by the day!  I think not working isn't helping that there is just so much more to worry about and so much more time to sit and think about it!  Going to share some pictures and maybe some moving clips if I can get them downloaded for sure!  Maybe tomorrow I will post some pregnancy shots and start taking pictures of her room in progress!

Still a little girl LOL

Her little feet!

Mom why are you trying to take my picture I would rather attempt at shoveling my hands in my mouth...LOL