Monday, November 14, 2011

Still breathing...

Still breathing and working on things around the house.  We cleaned out the garage this weekend and worked on getting our house ready for winter and made sure we had all pipes insulated and faucet covers on and some branches that looked shifty down.  We still have alot more to do but slowly but surely just like everything else in life we will get there.  Last week I got my employee of the month reward which was really nice!  I was nominated because of my performance but also due to my work on our fetal demise program at work.  I still have more to do on the program need to finish buying flower seeds for each birth month to give to the mothers and fathers of loss.  I have been working on trying to get Delanie's pictures edited a little more as well and I really want to do the whole slide show thing to put on here with music and all.  I think I will release it on her birthday in April.  I want it to be special.  I still think of her hourly and she is never far from my mind and of course always in my heart.  This week we are planting her flowers around her tree.  Her sweet big brother got the soil ready yesterday and pulled all little weeds and grass near there.  I am so very proud of him being such a wonderful big brother.  The other day I was at work and a dietary person stopped me to talk to him and she asked me if he was my only one and not knowing exactly what to say at that moment and not wanting her to feel bad I just said he is my only son.  Dustin then looked up at me confused and said NO I HAVE A SISTER but she went to heaven.  I was beaming with a smile on my face and she prolly thought I was really weird but I was smiling with pride for my son and how incredible his heart is.  I can't believe I was blessed with such a beautiful soul.  I really trust god and I know he personally selected my children's souls just for me.  And I know I have had a hard road but like I always say If I had to choose again it would still be the same.  I would still choose them.  They are the loves of my life.  That and their father.  I am blessed even though I am broken I am blessed.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011


Man I really need to find some organization in my life.  Sometimes I feel like I have no control on energy and I think if I really got some things organized and done it would be tons better mentally really.  So I am thinking of really hitting it hard this weekend and doing yard and house work in hopes we can clear some junk and along with that mental fog.  We are at a stand still in our gardens and yard stuff because we have to save more money up and then also agree on alot of our choices and make sure we make the best ones.  Dustin is doing well he had a wonderful Halloween and I will make sure I post some pictures of him at the end of this post.  He lost his two front teeth but I guess not lost they were really wiggly and my sister pulled them out because I hate teeth.  Yep I am a nurse and I do alot of gross stuff but I hate teeth!  I know it's crazy!  I got employee of the month at work which is exciting.  I also got recoginised for all my grief work on the fetal demise area at work and getting all the donations for the families of loss at our hospital.  I will keep going too I am not stopping.  We made it thru Delanie's 7 month angelversary I spent it alone which was hard but it's over now.  I will try to start updating alot more on here and doing more pictures

John dressed up too =)

Toothless pirate!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

7 Months my love

It's been 7 months tomorrow that my Delanie was born into this world and delivered to god.  I know that I have not wrote in a short while but I feel like sometimes I am writing the same things over and over and that people will eventually get annoyed with my harping about grief and missing her so much.  But the fact is there is never a time that she isn't near my thoughts or consuming my conversation or dreams.  I find myself trying to be watchful in fear I talk about her to much.  I can't stop myself sometimes because she is always on my mind.  When you mind is constantly consumed by a subject in life whatever you are going thru at that time whether it be pregnancy,wedding, divorce and such you find yourself always crossing the subject or molding your conversations to what is going on in your life.  Well Delanie is mine.  I think of her all the time.  Half the time people think I am day dreaming when I am quietly pondering something at work or staring off at a baby and yes it is Delanie that is consuming me at that moment.  I find myself looking at baby's fingers and toes and bringing myself back to holding her in my arms.  It's not a hurtful moment.  Just a remembering moment in time.  Sometimes during this time of her angel day I feel like I am in a ground hog day movie.  It's like I relive the day and the events each month.  I think now as I am typing this the night before her birth is the hardest really.  This time right now she was alive.  She was active but felt distant and was not moving as much.  John and I layed in the bed and debated on going in or calling the doctor but when I thought about calling she would move again.  I made the wrong choice.  But I don't know if they would have done or caught anything if I had gone in since her heart tones were still normal.  That all lays in the unknown and the facts that I can't change or undo what I did or didn't do.  I wish things would have been different but they aren't and were not.  Tonight 7 months ago she was alive and well and all my dreams coming true wrapped up in a perfect pink bow.  Tomorrow was the birth of my beautiful angel and the beginning of my awakening to a new world.  A world of knowledge that bad things can happen.  The unimaginable happens.  The layer thought of protection and blissfullness forever burst.  Tomorrow was the first and last times my lips would touch her and I would hold her and I would smell her and rub my fingers thru her lovely locks of hair.  I think of silly things sometimes.  Like how she would never suck and would never have a bottle and none of that ever touched her lips.  I think of even in her death some things I wish I would have done and changed.  I wish I had taken more pictures then what I had even though I have several.  How can you ever really have enough?  After all they are all you will ever have.  I wish Dustin would have seen her but I was in fear for him at the time.  I wish more people would have met her now.  But then again those close moments we wanted to soak up every minute of her warmth and beauty.  Nuzzling her face with my cheek and smelling her freshly bathed head was pure joy.  She makes my heart smile just thinking of her but my arms ache.  Tonight I hope is the worst of it.  Because I work tomorrow.  I am just wondering if I will forever be playing this groundhog day nightmare.