Saturday, April 30, 2011

April is over...

Like I have said before it is weird what bothers you and what doesn't tomorrow the month of April is over.  The month I started off so very happy with all my dreams coming true and ended with heartache and sorrow.  If only I had of known what was coming.  Its like being hit with a mack truck really.  Smiles one day and gut wrenching pain the next.  Weird really wasn't even a day in the difference just a matter of hours.  Wake up happy and go to bed that night dieing inside.  Although I have been thinking of this all day we did have a wonderful family day John, Dustin and I.  We drove to our hearts content we went all the way to Pertinales(spelling) Texas state park and then we still wanted to go more so we drove to Lake Travis we just kept going and going.  It felt good to watch Dustin and John play in the water and smile and laugh at one another but even though I was there I kept drifting off to other places thinking of my daughter and how if she was here we wouldn't be here because we would be at home enjoying her.  I found myself constantly looking and watching for butterflies and staring at clouds.  I saw little girls with little bathing suits and wondered if I would ever have another chance at putting a little girl of our own in one.  I watched Dustin sleeping in the truck after a long day and came to a startling relaziation that Delanie looks just like him when he is sleeping.  It shocked me when I first looked back looking at his face so relaxed and soft.  It was so much like her's was.  I took a picture of my sleeping son he is so perfect breathing softly.  I thanked god for him and looked at his father and thanked god for him also.  Then there is one more missing family member.  She will always be missing I will always be wondering what she would look like every year every day with her little facial features changing.  What would she look like now...what would she look like in a year?  I will never know and that is a hard cold fact to deal with but its what we are left with.  Count our blessings and miss the ones we have lost.  Goodbye April 


Here are some pictures 
I am obsessed with holding hands pictures


My love

Dustin

holding on tight

He had so much fun

Still thinking of you Delanie

Friday, April 29, 2011

searching....

Searching today for something to feel better and get rid of this anger that burns inside me from time to time.  Always random times never something scheduled or with a certain trigger it is always sporadic and so unpredictable like many of my new found emotions.  I know some people may think god woman it's been 3 weeks stop talking about her already start healing stop hurting.  But to those,  you have not been thru the rawest of emotions and if you have well everyone is different in their own stages of healing and if you got over the death of a child in three weeks more power to you.  I will say yes there are easier times.  There are simpler times like walking thru a store and not thinking of the daughter you lost but thinking of what you want for dinner this week.  Those are moments you actually pray for moments of normalcy that get you thru the darkness of your days filled with sorrow and grief.  You hold on to the simplest things and pray for more to come.  But in the back of your mind there is always the dark cloud of grief following you and you might not feel it as strong when those simple moments happen.  You don't forget it ever but it just may lose strength and allow other feelings and the flow of normalcy in to dull the ache.  I think about her I try to take myself back to the happy moments with her and if only I could rewind the clock of time and save my daugther.  I think back if only I knew the exact moments of her losing her life I would have cut her out myself and helped her.  I am a nurse I do that I save babies I have the skills but in this case they were useless.  I was useless.  I could have saved her why didn't I know what was happening when I was there it was inside me.  How much closer could I get.  I even think about the moments after her death and how I wished so bad that everything was wrong and when she was born I heard the soft whimper of a cry in the room.  I pray that when I watched the nurse listen closely for any heartbeat she would have a shocked look on her face.  I prayed it would have been different but instead it was a head shake and a look down.  I prayed.  I hoped and wished.  I know these are things I can not change no I do not have that power nor does anyone in existance.  But I can still silently torture myself from time to time with the hurt of the reality that no matter what she is still gone.  Her hello was a forever goodbye.  I wish it was a dream.  Don't get me wrong my thoughts are not always this dark but like I have said prior they change drastically and on a dime.  I could be thinking of that one moment and jump to something else quickly at the sight or scent or thought of something different.  That is the craziness of a mother's mind without her child.  It's really hard to understand as I am still learning and watching and wondering what will come next.  I went to the book store today think I was searching for something.  I went to try to find infant loss books not sure what kind I was wanting either personal stories or doctor's thinking they knew what they were talking about based on statistics and patient encounters.  But I found that there is no section for that.  There is nothing to go to because it's something unspoken of and hopefully really never high in demand.  So in some weird way I was disappointed but not really because I was happy their weren't people marching in there in need of such a book.  I still wish the best for everyone I would never wish this pain on anyone.  People don't anger me that are pregnant and maybe complaining about it or on drugs or other horrible situations because no one really deserves this no matter who they are or their situation.  No baby deserves to die before they have lived. 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Anger

I know this is part of the grieving process and it is healthy to go thru it and understandable and a part of life.  But I myself have tried to avoid it in many ways as I know it leads to nothing accomplished and wasted energy but it's here and happening.  I am not angry at people and it's not when I look at pregnant women that are hugely pregnant like I should be that I am angry at them.  I am angry that I am not in the same situation anymore that I have been thrown out of my happy path I was leading.  I am happy for them and look at them in their happy bubble and I know how delicate it is and I am happy for them that hopefully they will never feel or know of such pain.  But as far as our situation I am angry or upset not sure how I want to describe it as of now.  I am still learning.  I am angry that I should be getting ready to say hello to my baby I should not be trying to get over the goodbye of my sweet Delanie.  She was so perfect she was mine she was everything I wanted in a second child.  She was a real baby she was ready to see the world.  I should be complaining still about hot flashes and sending John on late night runs for watermelon.  I should be happily searching the web for more decorations and last minute baby items for her room.  I should be packing a bag in preparation to leave for the hospital at a moment's notice.  I prayed and waited for these happy moments.  We tried for so long for her over 2 years of heartache and injections and medications and surgeries and procedures torturing my body and mind in hopes of two pink lines.  When I got them life was all better and I was in a dream cloud that I never wanted to leave.  This was it,  it was happening our dreams were coming true and our small family would be completed.  My hard work and self sacrifices were going to finally be worth it.  And she was a girl!!  Everyone was so happy the perfect pair the perfect family.  We finally had the home we wanted the life was molding and the family would be perfect.  With alot of hard work and severe bed rest our efforts were paying off.  We were there.  We were in the home stretch I could feel her in my arms and see the happy hospital moments the day of her planned birth.  And then like a bubble it was popped and a hard nightmare of a horrid reality came crushing down.  I don't know about mother's day.  I had known I would be off bedrest and could enjoy it I pictured how happy everyone would be on it because the weekend after mother's day I would get my reward.  Delanie would be born May 19th.  The next week.  That would be my gift.  My daughter.  Yes the anger has set in but I don't want it.  I don't want to be angry.  I am hoping it passes that is not who I am.  But the thing is it's not directed to anyone its just directed at the situation.  I was robbed the first time I was pregnant but thank god we still had a happy ending with alot of hard work.  Then robbed the second time  but with no happiness at the end.  Just all these wicked roller coaster of emotions that you never know from one minute to the next what you will be feeling.  I worked hard for Dustin I kept him alive.  I almost died giving birth to him I did 12 weeks of not strict bedrest with him.  I stayed by his side EVERYday in the NICU I knew every twitch and noise or breath he made and what it stood for.  I sat silently next to his bed constantly watching over him for 4 months.  I saw him die in front of me and brought back.  I signed papers for so many surgeries praying thru each one.  I took him home on oxygen and montiors and numerous medications.  Took him to about 3-5 doctor appts per week and 3 therapists for therapy.  Fought for his rights and for him to be normal.  Fought so many battles for him to live and strive.  Then fighting for Delanie 15 hard STRICT bed rest orders NEVER to cheat I really didn't.  I layed not sat there was no sitting for hours everyday enduring so much pain and muscle and skin breakdown and ect. I fought for her and I lost.  It's just not fair I am always fighting and I am tired. 

Skipped a day...

Yesterday was another day constantly pushing didn't want to stop.  I knew when I went to bed on Tuesday night what Wed. would bring another angel birthday marker, it has been 3 weeks since Delanie's birth.  Had a good time with a friend yesterday kept me busy and had to go to the dentist.  Then John and everyone made me go to a spurs game which I am glad I went because it was a different experiance and alot of fun.  I was so tired afterwards sleep came easy on a hard night.  Was hard being away from Dustin for a night but I will see him soon when I can pick him up from school soon.  People have been so kind and helping to us and I don't really know how to show them or give them something in return besides simple thank you's it is like your emotion wells have gone dry sometimes.  Really you are in your head screaming inside thank you sooo much for the card or gift but it doesn't show in your emotions all the time even though their kindness takes your breath away and makes things a little more bearable in life.  So many people have shown us love and understanding and we do so appreciate it.  Most people know how badly and how hard we worked for Delanie and to only have it come crashing down is very hard on the heart.  But we are fighter's in our family we have been thru alot in life.  We will pick ourselves up together and change for the better and make our way back to our path we have been knocked off.  We will still count our blessings and be happy for what we have but mourn what we could have too.  Just need to get stronger....such a simple word but so much work involved in it.  I did one thing today on my list I went to walgreens and printed out many of her pictures I will pick them up soon and look at them again prolly cry a little but then dry my eyes and pick up Dustin and try to spend some happy moments to heal a bit more.  I wish I could see in a crystal ball to see what life has in store for us and what heaven will be like after.  I think about that alot and pray for god to please let me hold Delanie and feel her warmth and her eyes open and listen to her heart beating when I do leave this world hopefully when I am old and gray.   That is something to look forward too much later in life what a sight and feeling that would be <3

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Angels in the sand


There is a site on facebook called Angels in the sand its a non profit lady that lives in HI and she will go out and write your angel's name in the sand and then photograph it for you.  My friend Dawn found it for us looks so soothing.

Stages of grief

Here are the stages of grief just a little thing to post on here....

  1. Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
    Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of positions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
  2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
    Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
  3. Bargaining — "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
    The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."
  4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
    During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
  5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
    In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with his mortality or that of his loved one.

Breathing...

Today I could tell was a high emotion day so I have kept myself so busy that I have barely had time to remember my name.  So now here I sit at the end of the day pondering on my thoughts and feelings.  I have been up and at it since 6 am ignoring any pain I might be feeling but just pushing forward with the feeling I have to keep going don't stop if you stop you will just lose it.  So I have been pushing myself to the max cause today I just didn't want to do that I didn't want to go thru it just not today.  Yes things get easier over time I wouldn't say better just easier or even maybe just busier.  The truth is yes you have to keep going you have to stay afloat and your head above water because if you start to let in the water even just a little on days like this you feel like you are drowning instantly with one emotion.  I was laughing at myself earlier cause I was watching the news about the new terroists alerts changing.  I said wow that is what I am going to start doing around here!  Our emotions starting at red zone and so on.  Made me giggle a little bit.  I know there are all the phases of grief and I am just so far moving back and forth in between them no real direction to it.  Some days I am fine I even have gone days without crying but others not so fine.  All the emotions seem to change like the wind and just as easy.  One minute you are wanting to be alone then another you are begging for company.  I have decided that grief takes on multiple personalities in sorts.  Everyday trials sometimes seem to much to bear today I got a phone call from our bank fraud department saying someone was trying to use my debit card for different purchases.  The bank easily took care of it and caught it fast thank god.  But when getting off the phone I wanted to scream to these crooks!  Like don't you know what we have just been thru??  I feel like I want to scream it to the world sometimes like HELLO look at my face this is grief this is the worse thing that could happen then other times I want to hide it or feel like I am wearing it on my forehead.  I want to show her to people just to prove she was a real person that she wasn't a fetus she was a baby she was perfect she was so sweet and so beautiful.  I had imagined what she had looked like for so long and that dream came true but only with a massive nightmare behind it.  I want everyone to know how truly special she was and how wanted she was though I know most previous followers do.  She was our miracle our second chance we almost made it with tons of hard work and pain, sweat and tears.  We were almost there just to late.  I think back on the nights and days before the birth of Delanie.  The if's and only's.  If only I had gone in when her movement was still there but slower.  If only....if only I had known at my shower that she might have been sick if only I would have known she would die days later and all that massive amount of happiness would fade away.  If only I would have known that beautiful room would remain empty and all the hard work would be wasted on it being so perfect.  If only I could have made my husband understand the bond of a father to daughter if only I could give that to him.   Hoping and praying still for better tomorrows or at least easier ones.

List....

So I made a list of things I would like to get done in the next few months to keep my mind occupied and since I do not seem to think clearly these days I figure keeping a spiral notebook with the list might help me organize my thoughts and write things down.  Not feeling related but just task related.  There is alot I am wanting to get done around the house especially for Delanie like the garden's yes they are growing.  We were going to do one main fenced in garden but now John is wanting to do multiple ones around the house so that she surrounds the house.  Which is a great idea <3  He is so sweet and good to us and I am happy he is getting into this.  First thing we have decided to do also is remove our above ground pool.  This was a hard choice since it is nice having it but the upkeep cost and time is really getting up there.  It is a very nice pool to from a pool company not a store or anything and it is all set up so nicely just really doesn't fit our life style anymore.  We are too busy and we love being outside we are just going to take it down and make another stoned BBQ patio there.  I don't know why being outside is so relaxing now being inside is not as bad though.  Some things do get easier.  I remember the first day I was alone I couldn't stay inside all day and cried all day long.  I am alone now but getting things done trying to keep my mind and body busy.  I really want to go on a walk to start exersizing but I an nervous about it since I do poop out after a while.  I have lost 23 pounds since the day she was born.  I am hoping to keep it up to be really healthy in life.  My family now and next child deserve that type of mom.  Food has no real appeal to me anyways it is really hard to eat and then I am sick most of the time afterwards.  I eat small amounts very slowly and that seems to help somewhat.  Hopefully I can get some things on my list done.  I know I would like to get all her pictures off the computer and printed but I am scared the photo place will not let me print the pictures of my baby but I guess I will know that once I get there.  Going to eat lunch with Dustin again today I love being with him and hate being without him.  

Monday, April 25, 2011

Door...

What I see




Why...

Is opening one door so hard.  I stare at her door all the time from my bed I feel the need to go in there but still it remains closed. I have not yet been inside her beautiful room and I don't know when I will be able to enter this amazing emotional door that seems to taunt me from a few feet away.  Sometimes loss takes away such simple things and feelings.  Like entering a simple door...who would have thought it would be so hard?  People who have not had a loss of a child may not understand all these simple things being so hard or think in their head I might be being a bit dramatic.  I can't say before this all happened to me that I would have not thought the same thing.  But it might be harder also because no one has been able to view her to see she was so real and not just a fetus she was a fully grown baby with a huge personality with fiesty strawberry blonde hair that went dark in some of the light changes in the room.  She had peircing blue eyes per her daddy and sweet chubby cheeks and her daddy's nose and cheeks and chin.  How do you not mourn something to perfect that is lost. 

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter weekend..


Busy weekend I feel like it just started but here it is done.  John and I sat on the porch for hours tonight after our little man went to bed and we talked and talked about things I love those moments we have together.  I was telling them in a way I know it has only been 2 weeks since we lost Delanie but in a way it seems like it has been months because of everything happening.  This weekend on Saturday John took me and Dustin to the ranch it was nice to be away from civilization it was just us for a few hours looking at nature and helping daddy change the batteries on all the cameras and check the fences and find deer antlers and pretty rocks.  We had a really peaceful fun time.  We only stayed a few hours though we didn't stay the night not ready for that just yet.  When we came back home we decided we needed some us time and Dustin has been begging to go play with his cousins so we dropped him off and went to a movie together it was really nice to play like we weren't a hurting greiving couple for a little while.  Just to get away from reality.  We picked Dustin up and then went home and got ready for Easter bunny action the next morning.  I was so tired I fell asleep without a moments notice and was out until I awoke the next morning to a still dark room and a eager little boy holding his teddy bear asking if it was Easter morning yet.....6:15 am this was...I yawned and let him cuddle in bed with us for a little while but by 7 am he was up and wanted to explore the livingroom where our Easter bunny always leaves the basket.  So we all got up and he got to dig into bunny heaven...He was really happy.  I made breakfast and got the boys ready to start our day off and grandma's and grandpa house and then over to my family's Easter at aunt wendy's house.  It was a good day wasn't to hard but I had to fight the overwhelming urge this weekend to want to do something for Delanie but unknowing on what to do.  Still bugs me.  John did take me to the store and together we picked out a matching photo album with butterflies and a scrapbook with butterflies.  I will try to take pictures of them tomorrow they are perfect =)  Going to post a few pictures I will blog more tomorrow =)   Will try to keep this post upbeat for now we are happy and thankful we made it thru our first holiday without totally losing it and holding it together for Dustin  =)  

Chloe (neice) and Dustin hunting for eggs

Dustin busy chasing down the eggs at my sister's house

Proud of his loot



Dustin this morning at home with his Easter Basket

Delanie's urn next to some pretty flowers my aunt and uncle sent

Dustin and his Grandma Denton

Silly face <3

Dustin and his grandparents (john's parents)
Some of the grand kids



 

Friday, April 22, 2011

I did it

Something I have been wanting to do but been nervous to do it by myself.  Seems so small to others and people reading this might think I am being dramatic but everything in life is a large step in a way.  I took Dustin to the movies by myself I didn't ask anyone to go with me I wanted to just be with him.  We went and I watched him the whole movie his face lighting up and laughing and then he cuddled on me on and off and covered us up both in his blanket.  He is so sweet every time I get up he runs over to help me up I don't ever need it but I act like I do because it makes him smile and feel helpful.  He still offers to bring me drinks when I am sitting or laying down.  He is so sweet.  We saw HOP the movie it was really cute and I thought it was good because it would gear Dustin up for Easter on Sunday seems like almost the whole family forgot about Easter until this week because of everything that has been going on.  Dustin was asking about things that he hoped he would get in his basket and thank god they were all things that I had in there =)  It was all simple stuff.  His poor allergies are really messing with him today as well as mine I knew they all would act up when I saw the MOLD go high this morning.  I hope everyone stays clear of a sinus infection that is the last thing we all need right now.  I need to take some pictures of Dustin I haven't in awhile.  I will take some tonight when we go outside to water the yard those are my favorite times with him I bring out chalk and his bike and jump rope and he plays while I water.  I know I am a over protective mom cause Nope I don't let him out in the front yard without me.  He still rides in a carseat and we still help him shower and we still both kiss him goodnight and tuck him in.  We might be over protective but we enjoy him so much.  We do baby him but how could you not.  At least we take good care of him just may over do it just wish we could have had the chance to over love Delanie too =(

Dustin power

It's a really hard medium to find when you lose one child that you loved and wanted to much but you also have another blessing right in front of you.  I am glad that I have Dustin because without him I don't think we would make it thru all this darkness and despair.  I guess count your blessings big and small even when you think you have none because the sorrow takes over at the fact that you lost your daughter.  There are still blessings that shine thru.  Dustin is the perfect child it is so weird how he knows exactly what to say at the exact right time when you need to hear it.  He is talking about his sister more and more each day but all in good ways.  He is healing in his own way and I want to make sure I nurture that and don't bring him down.  I sometimes think I talk about Delanie to much to people.  And here yes I will post often about her because this is my therapy in a way and I figure people have a choice here.  I still miss her every minute of the day.  Last night when I went to try to go to sleep I rolled to my side and then kind of on my belly and realized the big difference in it.  It was so flat,  then your mind wonders to horrible things like I wonder if during that night I slept some weird way onto my belly or what not and compressed her somehow.  Things like this roll thru my mind daily and seem to torture me.  I know logically that could not be the case because of the low fluid she was in some type of distress and not producing fluid so that took a little time.  I am still leaning towards a cord clot or stroke of some sort.  Waiting for the 5th to get here to get some answers maybe of why my little girl left this world so shortly.  Some ways I hope they find something and then some ways I am scared if they do?  All emotions thru child loss are double edged you think they are one way but then switch to the opposite in a second.  Your mind is over worked from thinking and focusing on everyday issues and focusing on breathing.  Why does breathing take so much effort these days.  People ask you how you are and all I can sometimes reply is breathing....never thought a simple question like "how are you doing" would sometimes bother you so much and sometimes not at all.  Sometimes I want to scream and just start crying right there and then after the fit look at them and say well that is about 10% of how I am feeling...But it's not their fault they are only trying to help and be supportive and they don't know what it's like to lose a child so perfect as her they don't know her sweet face and chubby kissable cheeks.  But I am glad they don't know that pain I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I feel like I am forever finding pieces to my life to place it back together to build it back brick by brick in hopes of finding myself and life again.  I am actually thinking about attempting a movie by myself today for my sweet Dustin I would do anything for him no matter the hurt or the pain just like Delanie I fought for him too and will always continue too.  Who would have thought you would have to gather strength for something so simple to drive less then 5 miles to a children's movie.  I never would have....

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Yuck....

So I figured out finally what has been going on with my incision....I had taken half the steri strips off myself and then when I went to the doctor's office on Tuesday she used a adhesive remover to remove the rest of them.  I am guessing I am allergic to the adhesive remover now because where she put it my skin blistered up and all came off and is weeping.  So that's great but hell if I am going in for that it's not infected and I will just keep it as dry as possible and keep a eye on it.  Today was a better energy level day but I am still very tired and exhausted.  I haven't taken a motrin since yesterday and I will take one in a little while mainly to help with the inflammation.  I got up this morning and helped get Dustin and John off and then I got dressed and ready because the fence estimator for home depot was to come out at 9am.  He got here but we will just be doing the fence ourselves or hiring a private company because their labor is more then the materials.  I am also trying to let my cat out more often to get her use to being a outside cat and I am more comfty outside when alone at the house so I sat out there for a long while this morning after the guy left.  Then I really wanted to do something special for Dustin so I went into the kitchen and made him lunch and took it up to his school he was so excited to see me!  But after he hugged me and kissed me all over he asked mom why are you driving?  LOL  He was about to get after me.  I told him I was allowed to and it was only a short distance I picked him up from school yesterday I don't know why he didnt ask then.  He ate lunch and I ate half a sandwich I had packed and half a juice.  I enjoyed just being with him I am so inlove with him.  I love just staring at him and watching him talk and watching his eyes light up when he hits funny spots in the converstation or loving ones.  He is always so loving and hugs all over me and cuddles close.  I thought today I hope that never changes and he tells me all the time it won't.  Then we walked to the playground and he looked up at the clouds and said he saw Delanie's face and that made me smile but sad at the same time.  He grabbed some chalk and drew a symbol he said and then after he was done it was a little girl and he said it was a symbol of his sister.  Then he looked up at the sky and waved and said Hi Delanie with such happiness.  I almost lost it.  I sat there at a table because I was so sore from not taking any meds and with my incision flared up it was painful and watched him play tag with his freinds and go back and forth to the sandbox.  I saw his teacher on the playground she didn't say anything but I didn't want to bother her because she was so busy trying to watch children I didn't want a accident to happen because of me keeping her busy by chatting.  I finally couldn't take the burning much more and started getting sick to my stomach so I hugged Dustin and told him I loved him and to please do good in school today and goodbye for just a little while then I would be back to pick him up.  He wanted to go home with me but I told him his job is school and it wasn't done yet.  I waddled out of there and got in my car and attempted not to throw up in it.  I got home and checked on the new outside cat and she was fine then hit the bed where I now lay.  Stomach still turning so hopefully I won't see the half sandwich back but not counting out on the odds.  Hoping this evening is a good one I am missing John badly. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Forced...

Forced myself to get out of bed today finally.  I need to remember I am still a mother and need to take care of my sweet son.  I got up around noon and got dressed remembered I hadn't ate since yesterday and went and had a quick bite down the street with Wendy (my sister).  It was my first time driving out in the world but I stayed close to home and it was fine somewhat relaxing.  After lunch I went to Target I was really nervous going by myself with no one to support me emotionally or anything if I needed it but I did okay and I knew who I was doing it for.  I tried to make sure I didn't wonder and went for the Easter section because I was trying to conserve my energy really more my incision tolerance I start walking fine and I am good then after a while my incision burns badly and starts oozing....GREAT right..so straight to the Easter section I went to take care of my baby boy.  I couldn't help but let my mind stray standing there in the bucket isle thinking of buying the little butterfly basket for Delanie but she wasn't alive and would never be able to use it.  Was a hard reality crash that I would never buy anything for her on a holiday or just everyday use.  Seems like everything in the whole store had butterflies on it....WHAT HAPPENED!  Before Delanie died I could never find butterfly stuff I had to dig deep to find what I had and now they are everywhere?  Seems like they are mocking me in one way and soothing me in another.  I quickly changed my focus back to Dustin and started arranging a easter basket for him and putting things in the cart.  I walked back to check out and there were about 5 women buying baby gift bags with a assortment of baby gifts in tote.  I wondered if who they were buying for was due the same time as me.  It was for a little girl just like mine too.  Shook my head again and walked to the car slowly because the pain again was there since I have not been wanting to take any pain medication.  Personal reasons I hate medications in my body.  I don't even like to drink because I am a control freak and don't like not being able to handle my own thoughts.  Sitting in the car I watched some of the ladies getting into their cars giggling and talking,  they were so happy I enjoyed thinking about that how happy they were in their own little bubbles and I was happy that hopefully that little girl would be born healthy and no one would feel pain.  I know it's not just me that Delanie's birth and death touched I know many people are hurting and in pain.  I feel so badly that my shower was just 4 days before she died.  Everyone was so happy and we really just felt FINALLY we reached a crossroads we are in the homestretch and doing this.  I really breathed a sigh of relief there because I really though we had a chance at taking home a baby.  I was so excited the next few days playing in her room and making it perfect I even opened some diapers and put them on her little changing table in baskets and looked thru all her stuff.  I ordered her some closet organizers to put all her pretty clothes in order.  I thought we had it all.  I thought we would finally be complete.  I know someday we will be again.  It's just the massive amount of waiting in life.  We waited so long to get her and then to be pregnant with her and then just to lose her at the end.  She was worth it time and time agian I would do it again even with the same outcome.  I would do all the injections again all the procedures and surgeries I would do it again for her sweet face and her sweet kicks and crazy hiccups.  She was worth it...

Delanie's Urn

I took some pictures of her little urn.  I put it in a window for light but that is not where we are keeping it right now.  It's on the fireplace mantel right now until we decide otherwise.  Its a powder pink color you can't see that all the way in the picture.  It is just really pretty and I am happy we did the custom part of it because it's exactly what we wanted as far as that goes.  Of course what we really wanted was our daughter in our hands and not in a little box but we all know how this story ended....Just sad today but I think me not feeling well isn't helping the whole mood and being strong enough today.

Here she is..



Drained.....

Today is a off day I have been doing so good energy wise but I really think I have over done it.  I am still in my pajamas and laying down in bed.  I am just so tired I can't move.  When before I have been getting up and cleaning and going places and watering and being outside.  I don't know what it is I am hoping no infection and just rundown from not resting since leaving the hospital.  It's our 2 week angel birthday.  I miss her dearly.  I am going to take a picture of her beautiful urn today I didn't get a chance to yesterday until evening time and I wanted to do it during the day with the light coming in a window.  I really would like to do it in her bedroom window but I have not gone in there yet and with the draining feeling I have today I don't think I should.  The fencing guy comes out tomorrow to give me a quote on Delanie's garden fence.  We are hoping its not to much money but will do whatever it takes to make it perfect.  It's all we can do for her and all we will ever sadly buy for her.  How can you really put a price on it?  Dustin is doing good he is his same funny self.  I need to take a picture of him because he decided it would be a great idea to cut his hair himself at school right in the middle of his forehead.  He said he was trying to help us out and not have to take him to get a hair cut yep it melts your heart but dang if it doesn't make you shake your head too.  He is so sweet though he talks to a counceler at school but he is doing well kids are so resilent I wish adults were more.  The only issue we have had is he is inviting people from his class and teachers to his sister's funeral but we are not having one so there is a issue there.....He thinks of it as a celebration of her short life and told me that.  He wants to know what all happens.  I told him when the time is right we will do something as a family to celebrate her.  I think when the garden gets started he will do much better.  I hope it comes out how it is in our heads =)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Not to bad...

Today was not as bad as I thought it would be and people overwhelm me with how kind they really are and I think that lifts me up thru all the bad there is.  Kimmy came and picked me up early and we talked and went out to eat first so I was much calmer by the time we got there.  We got to the hospital and I was thinking about the last time I had been in the parking garage had been when Delanie was still inside me that morning and I was coming to the doctor's appointment.  I shook my head and tried to fight those feelings because I refused to cry there starting off because I knew that would make the rest of the visit that much harder if I broke the "crying seal".  We went to labor and delivery first so I could give them the thank you cards I had made out for them.  Lucky me there was a secretary sitting at the front desk so I had already pre-labeled them all with each nurses shift and department written on there.  So I asked her if she could please deliver them for me and she agreed thank god so I didn't have to go all the way into the labor and delivery unit.  YAY!  Then we walked to Dr. McFarland's office to give them all my left over progesterone injections since they went up in price and my vials were still sealed I wanted someone to use them in hopes one life would be born from them.  They were really appreciative and the nurses came out to see me and then pulled me to the back in a room even though I didn't have a appointment cause Dr. Mcfarland wanted to see me and say hello she was so nice and caring and even talked to me about my case we sat there for a while and talked and talked after that we left and went to my OBGYN's office and that was weird too cause I usually wait for hours but they pulled me back right away and put me in a room.  The dr talked to us for awhile and took my steri-strips off my incision and checked everything and it looked good.  I have to go back in 4 weeks for my 6 week postpartum appointment next.  I go to McFarland again on May 5th to get all her test results for the baby and to draw a final lab on my thinner blood since I am still having to inject myself with lovenox once a day for the remainder of my 6 weeks I have too.  I will do it only because she asked me too and I love her.  So all in all today not as bad thank god.   Little things help and then add up. 

nervous...

A little nervous about today.  Going back to the hospital for my two week check up makes me uncomfortable and just a bit scared.  Kimmy is taking me to my appt today so I am not alone.  I wrote out thank you cards to all my wonderful nurses at North Central Baptist.  I was so blessed to have such wonderful nursing care and staff care there.  They helped me thru the way each step and they helped me get memories of my daughter when John and I were unknowing or numb on what to do next they just helped push us along because really even though I have handled fetal deaths before when it's your own you are numb and lost and stuck in that exact moment not thinking of the way you need to preserve it in time because it's all your have left.  So I am ever so thankful they were able to help me do that.  I will take pictures of everything soon so that you can see what good work they did helping me keep a little peice of her.  I am still waiting on professional pictures they took for free of charge I am hoping they got alot of good shots so that is something to look forward to seeing.  They said they should be ready around the first of May.  I have to say I am really excited about it.  I don't know how it will feel walking into the hospital it's another one of those things you just have to go thru to find out exactly what it will be like.  I know there was a bad loss there but there was a lot of love and care there (by nurses) as well.  I am nervous about seeing my doctor as I am put out at the way we were treated after Delanie' s birth and before and during.  I am going to see my other doctor today to give them some of my left over injections in hopes they will help someone else they are still sealed and boxed so hopefully they will be able to give them to someone who can't afford them.  Will be hard walking into both offices loaded with pregnant women but hopefully that will be me again someday silently waiting for my next appointment.  Seems like I am always waiting...waiting to get pregnant then for baby then now having to wait to heal and then maybe just maybe if god helps us we will be waiting for another baby again.  I guess it is all a to be continued type of thing.  I have decided I will blog the whole way and hopefully instead of sorrow and sadness this blog will be full of love and pregnancy gripes again and then flow into motherly infant woes after that.  I look back at the previous blogs from when Delanie was alive and well and I look at the videos of her little heart beating and the baby shower pictures and I don't cry but smile so maybe that is the beginning of healing.

She is home

Was a rollercoaster of emotions last night one after another so I was unable to write a blog last night.  John got home and came and picked Dustin and I up to go to the funeral home.  I was very unsure about my feelings if I would just be a blubbering mess or if I could be strong and handle it.  I have never been a crying type person but the loss of my Delanie sure has changed that about me.  I really think the most emotion wise feeling that I was feeling was fear and scared.  When I walked in the funeral home I was met instantly by the director Sue I think she was waiting for us I was really glad she was there cause we weren't sure if she would be today and we have only dealt with her and she has been the one fighting to get everything perfect for us and to push the doctor's to get there work done.  If it wasn't for her we would still not have Delanie.  So I was happy and felt a little less fear when I saw her face.  She welcomed us in and said hello to Dustin.  He was in a silly mood and didn't quite understand what the place was and what we were doing there even though we had prior explained it to him but he is a kid what do you expect and I almost envy him the carefreeness.  Sue sat us down and showed us the urns she had sent back because they were inperfect not like my Delanie she was perfect in everyway.  I was happy once she showed me them and knew the one she has selected had to be very perfect then.  She brought it in and it was perfect the custom design was exactly what we wanted for our little girl.  It made me smile.  We hugged and said goodbye to Sue I almost felt weird leaving her and not inviting her out to dinner or something for all her hard work but I was trying my hardest to hold things together for my son and husband and not break down into a fit of tears and bellowing cries.  So many emotions rushing thru at one time was very overwhelming.  We got in the truck and I was still holding it together.  On the way home I was thinking about how this is in no way how I planned to take my strawberry blonde beauty home.  This is not what I worked so hard for and went thru the surgeries and two different injections daily and meds and 14 weeks of strict bedrest for.  But none the less it is my result and reality.  So I held on tight to my little box because its all I have for all my hard work.  That and the 4 hours I spent after her birth and the memories of her life moving around and hiccuping in my belly.  I never got that far with Dustin to see the baby actually move inside and I do treasure that.  If I had to do it again I would still choose her even with the same outcome of life.  I am constantly thinking of the reasons she had to go.  I am always wondering if I caused it somehow.  Randomly the thoughts come into my head.  Last night I was laying down trying to fall asleep and I was laying half way on my belly and thought back to what if I compressed her cord by laying like this.  It's thoughts like that, that rule my brain and make me miserable.  We came home and placed Delanie's tiny pink box in the livingroom so she could always be close.  I thought about how I would like a picture of her next to it but thought about how it would freak people out to have a lifeless baby in a picture next to her ashes.  I know she is perfect to me but some people do not feel the same way.  We stayed outside the better part of the night.  I stayed out there pretty late just feeling the wind and really numb not knowing what to do or where to go.  I just sat and thought and thought.  Before that we did go eat because with picking up Delanie we did not make dinner and came back to late to prepare anything so we took Dustin to eat out.  The resturant was full of people to crowded for my anxiety.  Many of the people were pregnant I was not mad at them just wondered many things like if they were due the same time I was and if they knew and cherished how lucky they were.  I wondered if their baby was moving and if it was a boy or a girl.  I wondered what I would look like right now and how much bigger and what Delanie would feel like inside me at this gestation.  I wondered if they had their nurseries ready to go like mine was and still is just no baby to fill it but its perfect in every way just no one to fill the crib or play with the toys or rock to sleep or wear the cute pink outfits.  I wondered how long before I would get the chance to be a mother again.  Then of course all the thoughts to what if it happened again and what if something else happened.  Its a chance I am willing to take.  I have one loss and one miracle so what if next time I get another miracle.  Isn't Dustin worth it?  I know so.  Dustin asks about a baby all the time he did yesterday when he got home from school.  He asked what are the chances of the seed being a boy seed because he really wants a brother.  I wonder if he will be mad later if I can never give him the sibling he wants.  I am always so scared because he is already so much older in age and they are so far apart already and now having to wait again longer and longer.  I wonder what age he will be when we finally are able to bring home a baby to him.  To actually bring home a baby now that is a thought.  Dustin I had to leave there for 4 months but at least I got to eventually take him home.  Delanie again leaving empty handed at the hospital only to later bring her home in my lap in a box.  I kept thinking of that the other day how I wish I was visiting a baby in the NICU over this of course.  Over the reality that I am coming to know harder and harder everyday.  The reality that my daughter is gone and I will never bring her home like I wanted to.  But I know at least I have my memories they give me warmth and small smiles and that is what I can and will hold on to.  That and my family at least I have Dustin and John at least we have one child and at least he is who he is.  I will post a picture of our beautiful urn a little later today.  Please also say a prayer as I have to go back to the doctor for my two week check up today which means going back to the hospital that Delanie was once at.  The office where I once heard her sweet heart beating. 

Monday, April 18, 2011

You just don't know...

So I am sitting here waiting for John to get home a little early so we can go pick Delanie up from the funeral home.  I am wearing some yoga pants and a loose t-shirt with a pony tail I am thinking weird stuff.  Do you get dressed up to pick up your child's ashes?  Am I under dressed?  Should I change?  When really I know they are just going to want me out of there so that they can go home to their families because they will be closing soon.  Dustin is going with us too do I dress him up?  I don't think I am going to it's just thoughts that go thru your head in a situation there is no moral thing on or what to expect on anywhere.  I am scared and feel odd and out of place hoping it all is over in a way soon.  I hope everything is not horribly bad when I pick her up emotion wise knowing that my baby is in a little box I know will be hard.  But hopefully with my husband there it won't be so bad.

Funeral home called.

I guess the quick prayers worked because the funeral home just called and they have Delanie ready to be picked up today and not tomorrow.  Which I am happy about but have other confused feelings as well which I did not expect.  Now her body is gone from this earth I know I still have ashes but I mean her little face and features.  She was so perfect.  It just brings me back to when she was born and I loved every feature about her and now in a way that is gone with her little soul.  I think it will be good though I think it's just that door closing.  It hurts right now but hopefully less later because of the closure.  I am wondering how it will be to pick her up....how hard it will be to take my daughter home in a little urn.  We are going together when John gets home from work.  I will have to take Dustin with me which might help him understand a little better.  I just don't know how tonight will be.  I can't guess on feelings because they seem to turn at a dime.  I didn't even expect these or I guess just didn't think about them once her body is gone.  I wanted it to happen for closure but now I am sad about it as well.  Everything about this horrid experaince is so confusing.  I miss my husband right now I wish he could rush home and tell me it is going to be okay but here I sit alone but in a way I am okay with that too.  It has been easier to be alone today.  I have been trying to fill my day getting things done and then feel like I got hit with a bomb even though I prayed for this bomb.  I guess I will have more and more though the day she would have been born May 19th and her due date June 7th and then the doctor's appt to find out all the results.  All these will be bombs.  All the holidays this year will sting a little because there should be a rosey chubby cheeked baby at each event for the first time.  I just wish I could see her growing up and what she would have looked like exactly.  Would she have curly hair or straight?  What kind of personality she would have.  How would her brother and her gotten along later?  All these and many more constantly fill my mind.  I took the towel out from  under her door today I can see the pink shining thru from the hall across from my room.  It's one step....I haven't gone in there.  I do look at it from the outside window sometimes.  You can't see all of it but just a few places.  I know I need to heal but my mind is constantly on wanting another baby.  This is something I will have to work thru as well.  But that is for another time to blog about.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

This weekend....

It has been healing and I have smiled some and enjoyed being with my son and husband all weekend long.  Saturday was a bit hard when John went to the wedding but I was glad he did see some people he hadn't in a long time and made a appearance for both of us and he honored his sweet daughter by wearing a pink shirt something really hard for my brawny husband to do.  John is trying to do his best to get me to feel better and I know he is.  He had me cut my hair at a nice place made the appt then drove me there and waited with his son on their little couch and smiled at me the whole way which was encouraging.  We had alot of good meals together this weekend and went outside alot.  I am so proud of him for loving me so much.  I know he is dealing with the loss of his daughter too but he focuses on my pain for the most part.  We went to the movies and a couple places today.  The whole time I was in the movies I was thinking if these people knew I lost a daughter not even two weeks ago they would be giving me trashy looks for not being home in bed or crying my eyes out 24/7.  That is what I feel like I need to be doing for her.  I feel so guilty for living life without her although I know all the right logical and spiritual answers to that.  And I know I can't do that for Dustin's sake and my husband's sake.  I stare at babies in their mother's arms all the time and think that should have been me.  I want to run over to their table and sooth the crying baby.  John asked me today if we wanted to switch tables because we were surrounded by newborn babies at our lunch table.  I told him no because I am going to have to face it and none of those babies are my baby and none of them could come close to replacing her for sure.  But I wish it was me.  I did all the hard work and got nothing in my arms to walk away with.  Don't get me wrong I am still very happy I got to carry her and feel her and know her from the inside.  And I am happy we got to see her and hold her for a long 4 hours because there are many women and men that never got that chance.  The could of or should of's still rack my brain even though I know there is nothing I can do about it now but it still hurts and burns hopefully over time it does less and less.  I feel sometimes I talk about her to much to everyone but she is all that is ever on my mind so it's hard.  I feel sometimes in my little brain that people think I should be over her already and move on.  Course I know many people prolly don't feel that way but in my head it can be evil and then it goes to good and then back again.  Hopefully alot less evil over the next few weeks.  It's not that I want things to be back to normal because my normal is gone and lost and never to be found again.  It's about finding a new breathable normal.  Something I can wake up to and not dread waking up and trudging on thru another day like a crying zombie.  I think back at how I in the back of my mind knew something was different in the pregnancy.  I stalled on getting her room done.  With Dustin I had everything pretty much completed by 20 weeks.  With Delanie we didn't start until around 25 weeks maybe later then that even Dustin would have already been born.  I always said I saw myself as a mother to three children and I knew we were only having 2 children as we know that is plently for us but here I am already a mother of 2 just one of them being a angel.  I wonder when we are ready to try again if people will still be happy for us and support us.  I wonder if week by week they will be waiting for something to happen.  I wonder if they will hesitate to celebrate or love the baby.  I wonder if annoucing the sex of the baby will be fun for them because they don't want to get attached.  Then I wonder on the other side the feeling of relief when they hand me a healthy baby that is peeping around and breathing and crying out loud.  I wonder what that feeling will feel like.  I am sure it will be a moment in time.  I think of all these things and even more all through out the day prolly why I am mentally exhausted.  I am praying to my god every night to lead me in the right path.  I did skip praying for a few nights after Delanie was born and passed.  Not because I blamed him but I just didn't have the strength.  I know he did not take her I know he did not kill her I know he just protected her and gave her safe passage.  I just got to keep beleiving that and hope for the best and pray for the better.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

10 days..

Counting is still going on although not as bad anymore it's really funny when it hits you though at the oddest of times today we were driving by a bank sign and I saw the date and time on it.  I almost started bawling right there just out of no where.  It hits you like a ton of bricks at the oddest of times.  Some babies you pass by in the store or little girls holding their mommy's hands don't bother you and just make you smile.  Then there are some that really get to you and wish what could have beens.  Today started out good I think I am overdoing it at times but I am not ready to slow down.  I am getting just a little bit sorer incision wise.  Breasts are better but the infection is still there and of course milk production.  This morning we woke up and went and had breakfast I ate a little still can't eat much.  Not sure if its more the anxiety or the stomach is just not back to normal yet.  After that we went to the store to get John a shirt for a wedding he went to tonight.  It's one of his dear friend's at work daughter's wedding that he is really close to so he wanted to go out of respect and thankfullness for them trying to help us so much during this hard time.  I however am still not strong enough emotional wise or physcially.  But John kept the spirit alive and went and bought a pink button up shirt to honor his daughter.  I know it will be hard for him to sit thru and watch a dear friend dance with his daughter and give her away.  I know he will be wondering if that will ever be him or that could have been.  I know it will tear up his broken heart more.  It hurts to be away from him right now and I am hoping he comes home soon.  I do have Dustin here to keep me company we sat on the porch for the evening time and I watched him decorate our driveway in chalk some of it dedicated to his little sister <3  What a sweet heart right <3  I know to count my blessings daily and I still know god is good to us.  I know god did not kill my child or take her life.  I know something happened and god saved her somehow from pain.  I don't beleive he takes away.  Even if she was taken away I am still thankful to know her and have the honor to carry such a pretty little girl that was so sweet in my belly.  She let me experiance so much.  I am also thankful for all the support we are recieving and that is making me stronger in faith as well.  There is so much bad in the world but then when something like this happens the beams of light shine thru and help you feel the warmth and love.  We have gotten some cards and sweet things in the mail people care about us so much.  They cared about her so much.  She did change lives she did have a purpose and she did make a difference.  I was telling John the other day how it is weird because I had a brother born stillbirth on April 5th 1980 his name was Micah Ren.  April 5th is actually prolly when Delanie went to the lord as well.  I always said I was so thankful to Micah because if he had not passed away I would never had been born because my parent's only wanted 3 children.  I ALWAYS have thought of him and what he gave up for me in a way and I hope that my future child may feel the same way about her or his big sister.  We will never forget Delanie not one second of any day.  We are starting on her garden soon just waiting for quotes for fencing.  That will be a place to always remember her and think of her and talk to her.  I know it will help Dustin to talk to his sister there and have peace.  That is all we can hope for anymore is peace.  We are hoping to have her home on Tuesday.  All the paperwork is now signed and we were granted a permit for cremation she will be taken for that on Monday and hopefully home on Tuesday.  Finally hopefully closure.  No more staring at the funeral home knowing my daughter is there.  Prayers the days get easier after that.  Even though I know they will never be the same.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Rascal Flatts - "I Won't Let Go" - 95.5 WPLJ

This is perfect for me and John right now <3

Funeral home

Heard back from the funeral home earlier the director has been hard at work trying to get things moving I feel so bad for them because they have really tried to make this easier on us but one thing after another has been happening with outside companies and with the doctor's office holding us up.  Now the urn was delivered to a different location but should be there on Monday.  They were not able to get Delanie a appt today but did get her one for Monday.  Then she should be able to be picked up on Tuesday.  John will have to get off early and help me get her.  I am ready to have some closure on this badly.  The funeral director was so sweet though and for the trouble with the urn she did get us a partial refund that we will put towards Delanie's memorial garden.  Now I am just waiting for my husband to get home from work and get a big hug from him I miss him so much.

Hello world...

Since Tuesday I have been somewhere everyday with a family member or close friend at least for lunch and then back home.  Going out in the world sometimes seems better and sometimes unbearable and you never know until you are there and out.  Today my in-laws came and took me to lunch and to get Dustin a few easter decorations.  I want to try to bring him a little normalcy back into his life and he enjoys decorations when he comes home to them.  So for him I will do it in bright colors and happiness even though that might not be the way I am feeling at the time.  He is a child though and loves so dearly and always has a smile and I don't ever want to drive that away cause it's so precious.  Going thru stores with baby stuff is not really hard even though most people are scared for me to do so.  But that stuff did not belong to my daughter.  It wasn't hers so it doesn't hurt as bad.  I still haven't been in her room.  Some people who sadly share my experiance say that it helped them to be in the room and felt closer to their angel.  I guess I will be ready sometime just not yet.  I feel like I am getting stronger with time.  Doesn't hurt any less but you smile at the little things maybe a little more.  Looking at her pictures does help even though it makes your arms heavy and ache for her.  We are taking on a huge memorial garden for her in our yard and I think that is helping her daddy heal alot aswell.  We think it will help Dustin have a place to talk to his sister and a place to be at peace for all of us.  It's going to be a long road and hard project but she is so worth it and the peace that comes with it will be even more worth it I am sure.  I am waiting to hear back from the funeral director to see how the urn turned out this morning and if perhaps they were able to get a appt for her to be cremated.  We just need closure and not another weekend and knowing she is in that building just sitting there.  I just keep thinking that.  A little girl that looks everything like her daddy and brother and her mommy's love sitting there in that two story building.  I wonder if they know what a treasure and how much love they have in there.  I wonder if they know how wanted and how hard we worked and strived to get her and then to hold her in and give birth to her.  Everything we gave up to keep her safe and sound.  No caffine no tuna strayed from lunch meat stayed away from sodium stayed on strict bedrest never to cheat.  I would still do it again though for her so no regrets.  Even with the same outcome I would do it again and again. 

Thursday, April 14, 2011

One day at a time....one quest at a time

I am not going to say today was easier I guess I will say I cried less today.  Only some this morning and almost a few times in the day.  My friend Sylvia came and sat with me today everyone is on somewhat of a rotation.  It was a big step for me though because I have not let anyone really come over besides family and just a few of them.  I still am not really talking to any other friends or relatives and slowly I might start.  I just don't have the strength yet.  We went to lunch and John made me go get a pedicure I thought it would make me feel worse (enjoying something)  but I made it thru without to much guilt and then we went to dinner later that day so three places out of the house.  Dinner was a little harder there were 2 different newborn babies at a table not far.  They cried and I could feel my breasts leaking.  I wished I was holding one but not one of those we all know who I wanted to be holding.  Today was busy so not much time for deep dwelling on feelings and thoughts.  I have to find myself focusing though as it seems I drift off at odd times and think about random things and get deep into thought 90% of them being of Delanie.  I have the urge to bust in her room this morning and start folding cloths like nothing had happened.  I thought about putting them away in the drawers just to see what it felt and looked like.  Didn't get that far before.  We have been blessed with a loving caring funeral home who have been fighting for over a week to get the doctor's to sign Delanie's paperwork so that she can be cremated.  It's really sad that they couldn't even do that for us to give us closure.  If it were their child sitting at a funeral home I am sure they would be heartbroken.  Instead it has been passed on to three different doctors.  My daughter is still sitting there.  And we have no closure.  I feel like when we drive by the funeral home looking at the building knowing there is a peice of me and my husband being held there is hard.  We need to bring her home.  They have also had some trouble with her custom urn and we are on our 3rd urn being ordered and being overnighted tonight to the funeral director so I should hear by morning if they got it right this time.  They finally have the paperwork completed and permits done for cremation but they had to actually DRIVE to the doctor's office and have them sign it and bring it back.  How sad is that?  Thanks for caring.... Now the cremation schedule is full tomorrow so looks like it won't be until Monday and her home on Tuesday.  I question what if we had, had a service for our daughter?  It would be empty with no urn or ashes or child.  How heartless could some people be?  Ughhh.....fustrates me.  Sorry for not writing much today but again trying to stay busy somewhat even though my body is exhausted my mind does not want to stop.  Does not want to have the rush of pain of silence and darkness.  Tomorrow is another day.  The night is here and I have to face it.  The night to me is so scary and hard.  But I am exhausted and tired so hopefully this one will come easy.  Then tomorrow a wake up hopefully a better day each time my eyes open.  Hopefully some closure soon hopefully my daughter will not remain a item on someones shelf.  Hopefully she will come home. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Hating nights...

First I don't know what I would do without vicodin.....I don't take it all day anymore but am really sore at night from pushing myself to far and I know that.  But I do love the side effect that it helps me get sleepy.  I hate the night.  I start to get a upset stomach as soon as it starts to get dark.  Nights are hard and yes most people would just want to sleep the depression away but NO I think that is in the movies.  Because sleep is filled with nightmares or a wondering brain or it is full of sweet bliss that makes you wake up and forget anything happened only to crash hard to reality which makes you feel as if it is happening for the first time all over again.  Sleep is no friend of mine. 

One more hour....

Again with the counting....In one more hour last week I would meet my sweet angel.  I would get to kiss her face without the warmth of her looking back and responding to me.  I would be strapped to a cold OR table in a silent OR room that would remain silent instead of being filled with the busty joyful cries of a healthy newborn....instead just silence that would remain.  Tears would fall but not of joy.  I remember being strapped to the bed and watching for my husband I was so scared he wouldn't be okay.  Instead he was steady and sure even though he only had a couple hours to prepare it seemed like he was sure of every move.  He quickly rose after she came silent and time was called he waited for them to wipe her down and then he stood there waiting with arms open for his daughter.  He grabbed her as soon he was able and looked at her softly not with sorrow on his face but with love.  He smiled softly and brought her to me.  I cried she was so perfect I remember thinking that.  I remember the disappointment because I secretly hoped when she came out she would make a sound or peep and they would say it was a blessed miracle and she was alive.  But that was not what happened.  He moved her closer so I could see her face.  He held her close to him and loved on her softly.  The nurse then took her back and asked if he wanted to give her a bath he shook his head yes but as he started to go looked back and me and told her to go ahead that he would wait for me and then he returned back by my side and promptly grabbed my hand and lightly stroked it with this fingers.  They finished closing me and then removed my cerclage as well.  Then we were off to the room to spend time with our daughter.  Room 14 was were we would spend the next 4 hours loving our daughter and taking sweet pictures and kissing her softly.  4 hours I can never return to but remember always.  I wish I could go back to even those moments so I could feel her on my chest and in my arms.  So I could see my husband swaying back and forth rocking her in his arms around the room.  So we could say goodbye again and again cause once is never enough.  If only I could rewind time if only I could change things.  If only I could make her better and bring her soul back down to her body.  If only she would have opened her eyes or whimpered silently.  There are so many what if's or only if's I know there is nothing I could do after the fact and not to dwell on it and what is done is done and there is no changing it.  But I can still dream otherwise.

Angel one week

Today is one week since we said goodbye to our angel.  This morning last week I still thought she was alive just being lazy and that she was a bigger gestation now.  That is what I was telling myself even though in the back of my mind I was screaming help.  I called the doctor's office at 830am this morning when they opened worring about my non moving daughter.  She could have only been passed a few hours.  She had to have passed away sometime in the night.  She slipped away from her mommy and daddy and brother.  Forever to burn a huge hole in our hearts and unbearable pain to work thru.  We will get thru it together that I know John and I have been thru so much in our time together and we always no matter what make it thru holding hands and each other tightly.  He is my everything and he has been so wonderfully supportive and caring and perfect always to do and say everything right even when who knows what they are supposed to do in this hard situation.  I count my blessings for that.  Dustin has been asking more and more questions sometimes painful to hear but we make sure we answer each question.  He is confused about the cremation process and asks questions about funerals and services and doesn't understand why we aren't having one and how Delanie is coming home in a box.  Something I never thought I would have to work on clarifing to my young son.  He looks at babies in stores and stares at them and asks if they are the same size as Delanie and responds on how cute they are.  It breaks my heart but he says it all with a smile.  Last night was hard yesterday was torture.  Hoping today is different less pain even though today is the day she was born a week ago.  I wish I could reverse time and save her.  I wish there would have been some sign other then slower movement I wish that would have been enough to throw my head into alarms.  I wish I was visiting a baby in the NICU and pumping my milk for her other then calling back in forth to the funeral home to keep things moving along.  I will say this about my doctor practice.  I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.  We have not put all the OBGYN's stuff on here but they are very wrong and I hope karma never bites them in the butt cause that is alot of karma and I would never wish that on a living person.  We were and are being treated badly and my daughter was and is to.  That makes it harder as well.  However my high risk doctor is very supportive and we love her dearly.  We are still debating on when sharing her wonderful pictures.  Still have to get stronger on that one.  She was breathtaking.  She has her daddy's everything really looks alot like John I couldn't find one feature of me.  She had his chin to a tee and his cheeks, eyes, and nose and she shared Dustin and John's feet and crooked pinkies as well.  We did get laughs out of that.  She was exactly what I ordered and ever wanted.  I pray for her and that I can hold her again one day.  I pray my arms are not forever empty of a sweet newborn and that someday when the time is right god will bless our family with another healthy child for my son to be with forever.  I don't want him to be alone later in life I want him to always have someone to lean on and share grief with when his father and I leave this world.  I want a house full of grandchildren around our old christmas tree and people fighting and misbehaving.  People sometimes don't cherish their children so much they take them for granted they take their pregnancies for granted.  We are good people we fight to try to concieve our children then fight to carry them then deliver them and then we raise them smiling and appreciating every milestone.  We are thankful we have Dustin and if we didn't have him we would both be crazy locked up talking to imaginary people.  I know god loves me I don't hate him or lose faith even though my faith is hurt but I know god stood beside my son and held his hand and helped him make it thru the NICU when he wasn't supposed to live.  Dustin had hardly any chance at life and I got granted a miracle and he lived and lived to be perfect and healthy.  Some parts of me thinks maybe I am only allowed one miracle maybe I am to greedy to ask for another.  But all these people in the world get multiple miracles why can't I have just two?  That's all we want.  We don't abuse are children we love them dearly we raise him hand in hand we spend every moment possible loving him and guiding him and providing for him.  We spoil him and kiss him and tell him we love him prolly 20 times a day both of us do.  We are good parents.  We are some of the best and I know that.  Why can't we have a healthy child. I will keep praying and praying and hopefully god will get tired of my prayers and help me fill this emptiness in my arms.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Tonight...

I am hating that I am always on a countdown and hoping it is just because this is the first week she has been gone.  I tend to think oh last week this time she was still alive or whatnot.  Well at 9pm tonight was the last time I felt her move.  Right now she still had a light case of hiccups but felt so distant.  I can still feel them.  Then tomorrow is the day my world feels like it ended.

Okay I know why now

I know why some women go crazy and steal other people's babies.  NOT that I want to do that WHATSOEVER cause they are not my baby.  I just want to hold her.  My arms ache for her.  I wish I could even rewind to after she was born and how good she did feel in my arms and laying on my chest.  This day of loneliness has been horrid.  I can't watch TV I don't want to sleep cause sleeping can be cruel.  I just sit here in the bed or on the porch in silence.  I can't eat today I feel like all my energy is gone.  I want to go into her room and fold clothes like nothing has happened.  I want to pretend its all a dream.  I want to hold her so bad either that or feel her in my belly or complain about her excessive hiccups and tease her saying she is a drunk irish baby.  I want to be happy I just want to smile I want all this painful feelings to just stop and pretend she is still on her way and that life is still going according to planned and that I am not so lost and that we are still going to get our happily ever after and I will see my husband and son in the bright sun light of a hospital room sitting on the couch staring at our wonderful term healthy baby girl and everyone googling over her taking pictures and sending beautiful flowers and everyone bringing in balloons and teasing how much she looks like John.  Why can't that just be the reality of things and we can forget this path that is real. 

today

Today is my first day alone.  Last night was hard.  I am finding myself sitting outside today 90% of the time because being in the house is so dark and so quiet.  It also reminds me of sitting there being on bedrest but I am no longer on bedrest so what do I do with life now?  I can't drive anywhere yet so that's out and I don't even know where I would drive.  I have to find my way back to the life I led before somehow.  I don't really remember though?  For 14 weeks I have been in bed focused on getting to each week and not getting bedsores and trying to stay sain and get to each doctor's appts to wait for her next weight.  What do I look forward to now?  I miss John and want him near me but I know life needs to go on and I am stuck behind because I had to have the c-section and still have a severe infection in both breasts.  So where am I in life?  I know I am Dustin's mother don't get me wrong on all that logical stuff.  I still look foward to him getting of school and coming home to hugs and something for dinner.  I still look fwd to everything about him in life.  I stood outside her window today I peeked in just to look maybe I shouldn't have maybe I needed to.  I looked in the window I had chosen for her chair right next to her crib.  I picked that window because the morning sun comes in and I pictured myself breastfeeding her in the big comfty blue chair and her falling asleep then me laying her in the crib right next to the chair.  I thought everything through.  I had it all in my mind planned out.  So what do you do when you have planned so much.  What do you do when it's scary to go inside your house alone but you don't know even if you want anyone else around.  When you can only stand to talk to a laptop on the front porch and a grouchy cat only because you are in his favorite chair.