Tuesday, April 19, 2011

She is home

Was a rollercoaster of emotions last night one after another so I was unable to write a blog last night.  John got home and came and picked Dustin and I up to go to the funeral home.  I was very unsure about my feelings if I would just be a blubbering mess or if I could be strong and handle it.  I have never been a crying type person but the loss of my Delanie sure has changed that about me.  I really think the most emotion wise feeling that I was feeling was fear and scared.  When I walked in the funeral home I was met instantly by the director Sue I think she was waiting for us I was really glad she was there cause we weren't sure if she would be today and we have only dealt with her and she has been the one fighting to get everything perfect for us and to push the doctor's to get there work done.  If it wasn't for her we would still not have Delanie.  So I was happy and felt a little less fear when I saw her face.  She welcomed us in and said hello to Dustin.  He was in a silly mood and didn't quite understand what the place was and what we were doing there even though we had prior explained it to him but he is a kid what do you expect and I almost envy him the carefreeness.  Sue sat us down and showed us the urns she had sent back because they were inperfect not like my Delanie she was perfect in everyway.  I was happy once she showed me them and knew the one she has selected had to be very perfect then.  She brought it in and it was perfect the custom design was exactly what we wanted for our little girl.  It made me smile.  We hugged and said goodbye to Sue I almost felt weird leaving her and not inviting her out to dinner or something for all her hard work but I was trying my hardest to hold things together for my son and husband and not break down into a fit of tears and bellowing cries.  So many emotions rushing thru at one time was very overwhelming.  We got in the truck and I was still holding it together.  On the way home I was thinking about how this is in no way how I planned to take my strawberry blonde beauty home.  This is not what I worked so hard for and went thru the surgeries and two different injections daily and meds and 14 weeks of strict bedrest for.  But none the less it is my result and reality.  So I held on tight to my little box because its all I have for all my hard work.  That and the 4 hours I spent after her birth and the memories of her life moving around and hiccuping in my belly.  I never got that far with Dustin to see the baby actually move inside and I do treasure that.  If I had to do it again I would still choose her even with the same outcome of life.  I am constantly thinking of the reasons she had to go.  I am always wondering if I caused it somehow.  Randomly the thoughts come into my head.  Last night I was laying down trying to fall asleep and I was laying half way on my belly and thought back to what if I compressed her cord by laying like this.  It's thoughts like that, that rule my brain and make me miserable.  We came home and placed Delanie's tiny pink box in the livingroom so she could always be close.  I thought about how I would like a picture of her next to it but thought about how it would freak people out to have a lifeless baby in a picture next to her ashes.  I know she is perfect to me but some people do not feel the same way.  We stayed outside the better part of the night.  I stayed out there pretty late just feeling the wind and really numb not knowing what to do or where to go.  I just sat and thought and thought.  Before that we did go eat because with picking up Delanie we did not make dinner and came back to late to prepare anything so we took Dustin to eat out.  The resturant was full of people to crowded for my anxiety.  Many of the people were pregnant I was not mad at them just wondered many things like if they were due the same time I was and if they knew and cherished how lucky they were.  I wondered if their baby was moving and if it was a boy or a girl.  I wondered what I would look like right now and how much bigger and what Delanie would feel like inside me at this gestation.  I wondered if they had their nurseries ready to go like mine was and still is just no baby to fill it but its perfect in every way just no one to fill the crib or play with the toys or rock to sleep or wear the cute pink outfits.  I wondered how long before I would get the chance to be a mother again.  Then of course all the thoughts to what if it happened again and what if something else happened.  Its a chance I am willing to take.  I have one loss and one miracle so what if next time I get another miracle.  Isn't Dustin worth it?  I know so.  Dustin asks about a baby all the time he did yesterday when he got home from school.  He asked what are the chances of the seed being a boy seed because he really wants a brother.  I wonder if he will be mad later if I can never give him the sibling he wants.  I am always so scared because he is already so much older in age and they are so far apart already and now having to wait again longer and longer.  I wonder what age he will be when we finally are able to bring home a baby to him.  To actually bring home a baby now that is a thought.  Dustin I had to leave there for 4 months but at least I got to eventually take him home.  Delanie again leaving empty handed at the hospital only to later bring her home in my lap in a box.  I kept thinking of that the other day how I wish I was visiting a baby in the NICU over this of course.  Over the reality that I am coming to know harder and harder everyday.  The reality that my daughter is gone and I will never bring her home like I wanted to.  But I know at least I have my memories they give me warmth and small smiles and that is what I can and will hold on to.  That and my family at least I have Dustin and John at least we have one child and at least he is who he is.  I will post a picture of our beautiful urn a little later today.  Please also say a prayer as I have to go back to the doctor for my two week check up today which means going back to the hospital that Delanie was once at.  The office where I once heard her sweet heart beating. 


  1. My heart aches for you. I wouldnt wish the pain you are going through on anyone. I remember it like it was yesterday.

  2. I think if you want to put her picture up you should. She had a face, she existed. If people don't want to look they don't have to. We put a picture next to Bella's casket at her funeral. We wanted people to know she had a face and how beautiful she was, even if we were the only ones who thought it.