Thursday, April 14, 2011

One day at a quest at a time

I am not going to say today was easier I guess I will say I cried less today.  Only some this morning and almost a few times in the day.  My friend Sylvia came and sat with me today everyone is on somewhat of a rotation.  It was a big step for me though because I have not let anyone really come over besides family and just a few of them.  I still am not really talking to any other friends or relatives and slowly I might start.  I just don't have the strength yet.  We went to lunch and John made me go get a pedicure I thought it would make me feel worse (enjoying something)  but I made it thru without to much guilt and then we went to dinner later that day so three places out of the house.  Dinner was a little harder there were 2 different newborn babies at a table not far.  They cried and I could feel my breasts leaking.  I wished I was holding one but not one of those we all know who I wanted to be holding.  Today was busy so not much time for deep dwelling on feelings and thoughts.  I have to find myself focusing though as it seems I drift off at odd times and think about random things and get deep into thought 90% of them being of Delanie.  I have the urge to bust in her room this morning and start folding cloths like nothing had happened.  I thought about putting them away in the drawers just to see what it felt and looked like.  Didn't get that far before.  We have been blessed with a loving caring funeral home who have been fighting for over a week to get the doctor's to sign Delanie's paperwork so that she can be cremated.  It's really sad that they couldn't even do that for us to give us closure.  If it were their child sitting at a funeral home I am sure they would be heartbroken.  Instead it has been passed on to three different doctors.  My daughter is still sitting there.  And we have no closure.  I feel like when we drive by the funeral home looking at the building knowing there is a peice of me and my husband being held there is hard.  We need to bring her home.  They have also had some trouble with her custom urn and we are on our 3rd urn being ordered and being overnighted tonight to the funeral director so I should hear by morning if they got it right this time.  They finally have the paperwork completed and permits done for cremation but they had to actually DRIVE to the doctor's office and have them sign it and bring it back.  How sad is that?  Thanks for caring.... Now the cremation schedule is full tomorrow so looks like it won't be until Monday and her home on Tuesday.  I question what if we had, had a service for our daughter?  It would be empty with no urn or ashes or child.  How heartless could some people be?  Ughhh.....fustrates me.  Sorry for not writing much today but again trying to stay busy somewhat even though my body is exhausted my mind does not want to stop.  Does not want to have the rush of pain of silence and darkness.  Tomorrow is another day.  The night is here and I have to face it.  The night to me is so scary and hard.  But I am exhausted and tired so hopefully this one will come easy.  Then tomorrow a wake up hopefully a better day each time my eyes open.  Hopefully some closure soon hopefully my daughter will not remain a item on someones shelf.  Hopefully she will come home. 

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