Friday, April 22, 2011

Dustin power

It's a really hard medium to find when you lose one child that you loved and wanted to much but you also have another blessing right in front of you.  I am glad that I have Dustin because without him I don't think we would make it thru all this darkness and despair.  I guess count your blessings big and small even when you think you have none because the sorrow takes over at the fact that you lost your daughter.  There are still blessings that shine thru.  Dustin is the perfect child it is so weird how he knows exactly what to say at the exact right time when you need to hear it.  He is talking about his sister more and more each day but all in good ways.  He is healing in his own way and I want to make sure I nurture that and don't bring him down.  I sometimes think I talk about Delanie to much to people.  And here yes I will post often about her because this is my therapy in a way and I figure people have a choice here.  I still miss her every minute of the day.  Last night when I went to try to go to sleep I rolled to my side and then kind of on my belly and realized the big difference in it.  It was so flat,  then your mind wonders to horrible things like I wonder if during that night I slept some weird way onto my belly or what not and compressed her somehow.  Things like this roll thru my mind daily and seem to torture me.  I know logically that could not be the case because of the low fluid she was in some type of distress and not producing fluid so that took a little time.  I am still leaning towards a cord clot or stroke of some sort.  Waiting for the 5th to get here to get some answers maybe of why my little girl left this world so shortly.  Some ways I hope they find something and then some ways I am scared if they do?  All emotions thru child loss are double edged you think they are one way but then switch to the opposite in a second.  Your mind is over worked from thinking and focusing on everyday issues and focusing on breathing.  Why does breathing take so much effort these days.  People ask you how you are and all I can sometimes reply is breathing....never thought a simple question like "how are you doing" would sometimes bother you so much and sometimes not at all.  Sometimes I want to scream and just start crying right there and then after the fit look at them and say well that is about 10% of how I am feeling...But it's not their fault they are only trying to help and be supportive and they don't know what it's like to lose a child so perfect as her they don't know her sweet face and chubby kissable cheeks.  But I am glad they don't know that pain I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I feel like I am forever finding pieces to my life to place it back together to build it back brick by brick in hopes of finding myself and life again.  I am actually thinking about attempting a movie by myself today for my sweet Dustin I would do anything for him no matter the hurt or the pain just like Delanie I fought for him too and will always continue too.  Who would have thought you would have to gather strength for something so simple to drive less then 5 miles to a children's movie.  I never would have....

1 comment:

  1. You are such an amazing woman/mother/wife! You are always looking out to make sure that your husband and son are taken care of. I don't think I could be as strong as you are through all of this. I am so happy that you have Dustin to help you smile. We love ya girl!!