Hello world...

Since Tuesday I have been somewhere everyday with a family member or close friend at least for lunch and then back home.  Going out in the world sometimes seems better and sometimes unbearable and you never know until you are there and out.  Today my in-laws came and took me to lunch and to get Dustin a few easter decorations.  I want to try to bring him a little normalcy back into his life and he enjoys decorations when he comes home to them.  So for him I will do it in bright colors and happiness even though that might not be the way I am feeling at the time.  He is a child though and loves so dearly and always has a smile and I don't ever want to drive that away cause it's so precious.  Going thru stores with baby stuff is not really hard even though most people are scared for me to do so.  But that stuff did not belong to my daughter.  It wasn't hers so it doesn't hurt as bad.  I still haven't been in her room.  Some people who sadly share my experiance say that it helped them to be in the room and felt closer to their angel.  I guess I will be ready sometime just not yet.  I feel like I am getting stronger with time.  Doesn't hurt any less but you smile at the little things maybe a little more.  Looking at her pictures does help even though it makes your arms heavy and ache for her.  We are taking on a huge memorial garden for her in our yard and I think that is helping her daddy heal alot aswell.  We think it will help Dustin have a place to talk to his sister and a place to be at peace for all of us.  It's going to be a long road and hard project but she is so worth it and the peace that comes with it will be even more worth it I am sure.  I am waiting to hear back from the funeral director to see how the urn turned out this morning and if perhaps they were able to get a appt for her to be cremated.  We just need closure and not another weekend and knowing she is in that building just sitting there.  I just keep thinking that.  A little girl that looks everything like her daddy and brother and her mommy's love sitting there in that two story building.  I wonder if they know what a treasure and how much love they have in there.  I wonder if they know how wanted and how hard we worked and strived to get her and then to hold her in and give birth to her.  Everything we gave up to keep her safe and sound.  No caffine no tuna strayed from lunch meat stayed away from sodium stayed on strict bedrest never to cheat.  I would still do it again though for her so no regrets.  Even with the same outcome I would do it again and again.