Thursday, March 22, 2012

Coming out of the fog...

Sometimes I feel like these days are on slow motion and I am sitting still watching them pass by and interacting and doing things but sitting by and witnessing it as well.  I feel like I am in a somewhat brain fog as I want to honor Delanie so dearly on her birthday but I just can't seem to make any plans and frankly I don't know what I can handle or what I am up for because on this path of grief you never know where or what you will feel until you really get to that moment in time.  It really makes me feel guilty because we never did a memorial service or funeral because I knew at the time I, we were not strong enough to sit thru it nor plan it.  The pain was to deep to raw and to intense.  I am just starting to get those feelings again because I am scared I will just want to hide away if I try to plan something.  And nothing I could ever plan seems to do her justice or is good enough.  When I think of it I just get into a drunk mind fog state of mind.  So I am not sure what will happen.  Easter is also that weekend which doesn't make things easier either.  Lord please bless us with strength and courage and wisdom for these next few weeks.  I just need to redirect my path and stand strong at the direction I choose and be well with my choice even if I think later it might have been the wrong one.  But in true might have been the right one at the time.  All you can do is live right?  Take a breath and wake up in the morning and repeat and focus on the rythym and pace of it.  That is life you automatically breathe its natural but the pacing and focus takes time and skill.  I feel like grief has made me wise beyond my years.  I feel my soul is so much older then before.  Just the way I look at life and others and situations has seemed to change forever.  Some for the good and some for the maybe worse.  I miss the nieve blissfulness of never knowing this little world existed.  But its life and its my life and all you can do is keep breathing right?  Count your blessings daily even the small ones so that you don't drown because those negatives will steady drown you.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Happy Birthday to my sweet son

So I am the official mother to a happy little 9 year old.  In alot of ways I am so thrilled and in utter happiness that Dustin is so happy and growing and healthy, but then there is that other side where the years just seem like they pass way to fast.  Just like every sad moment bring light to grief alot of times happy ones make it even worse or shine brighter.  I stood there thinking about how his birthday was last year I was still huge and pregnant and getting ready to welcome my little girl into this world and Dustin couldn't have been happier that he would finally not be "alone".  I had a hard time planning his party this year and put it off for awhile until time finally came to where it had to be dealt with fast paced.  I now find myself trying to figure out what I can deal with and plan for Delanie's up coming birthday.  It just should have been so much different.  I should be complaining about exhaustion of shopping for again a second birthday party and calling people and scheduling entertainment and finding her the perfect outfit and little cake to smush on her little face.  But I know that is just not how it is and I accept that I have for a long time but it doesn't make the hurt or the thought of it away.  I usually walk in the March of Dimes I usually compain and do it proudly.  I can't seem to wrap my head around it this year.  Adding yet again another baby to the page but this one with a sad ending and not a happy one like my sweet 9 year old.  It's so weird and mysterious the things that bother you and the things that don't so much.  You can never predict it or even try to make sense of it.  You just have to live it and get thru it one breath at a time.  I am not sure what tomorrow will bring but I can only hope and pray for sunny days, sweet smiles, and love..lots of love.  Thankful for the blessing I have and hold dear and cherish daily but missing the one that is gone as well.

My sweet son now 9 years old

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Happy 11 months my love

I still find it hard to believe it has been this long since I have held her.  When  you see the months passing by it sometimes feels fast and then all in the same slow.  This journey has taken me so many places on so many levels I don't think words can ever truly describe every emotion that passes or comes to a parent who loses a child.  There are some emotions that are so mixed you sometimes can't even make sense if they are good or bad feelings all you know is it is a feeling of some sort.  I know it sounds really weird especially reading it back but maybe to some others they might feel like yes that makes total sense.  I find myself trying to wrap my head around my daughter's first birthday the day she was born into this world so silently but the wonderful day were I held her, kissed her and saw her sweet face and chubby cheeks.  A wonderful day but the worst day as well.  I wish I were planning it differently.  I am finding it hard to make plans to do anything but I know I want to and have a internal need to remember her on this day and do something for her and celebrate her life even though it was so short lived.  But I am still at a loss on what exactly that will be and how much I can handle really.  It brings back some of the memories on why we couldn't go thru with a funeral.  I am not sure what the exact emotions are its the fact that I should have been planning a welcoming party with proud grandparents and people arguing on who's nose she has and how happy they are that she was term and healthy and not premature and sick but instead it was a funeral to try to plan and that was earth shattering and something I could not wrap my head around.  Now with the "memorial birthday"  I should be planning her wonderful party with a smash cake and cute little baby tights on her chubby legs I should be watching her brother and her hold hands and him walking her around proudly and showing her different flowers and toys and helping her blow her candles out.  But that is just not the way it turned out to be and I understand that I truly do and I know I am blessed and very thankful for everything I have in life but it doesn't make the hurt of what is missing in this blessed life go away.  I am grateful for the lessons and some of the different outlooks on life they are only taught to the secret club of grief mothers and fathers.  I feel well educated on life and of death.  I have looked to not take things for granted but I learned this lesson with Dustin's birth as well.  I thought I had learned if fully but not until the birth of my second child.  Some days I still feel myself looking back on the week and realizing all the things I could of and should have done and then look at being thankful for all that could have happened in that week but didn't.  Good and bad there is always a balance.  It might of been a uneventful week where nothing got accomplished but then maybe that is not always a bad thing maybe you should look at it where it was a week where nothing went wrong.  Even small things like a appliance going out, car breaking down, job loss, illness.  It was a week without a major event.  Maybe not so bad of a outlook then......I will try to write more soon count your blessings daily, hourly, and by the moment....

Happy Angel Day my Love,  We love you so much