Thursday, March 22, 2012

Coming out of the fog...

Sometimes I feel like these days are on slow motion and I am sitting still watching them pass by and interacting and doing things but sitting by and witnessing it as well.  I feel like I am in a somewhat brain fog as I want to honor Delanie so dearly on her birthday but I just can't seem to make any plans and frankly I don't know what I can handle or what I am up for because on this path of grief you never know where or what you will feel until you really get to that moment in time.  It really makes me feel guilty because we never did a memorial service or funeral because I knew at the time I, we were not strong enough to sit thru it nor plan it.  The pain was to deep to raw and to intense.  I am just starting to get those feelings again because I am scared I will just want to hide away if I try to plan something.  And nothing I could ever plan seems to do her justice or is good enough.  When I think of it I just get into a drunk mind fog state of mind.  So I am not sure what will happen.  Easter is also that weekend which doesn't make things easier either.  Lord please bless us with strength and courage and wisdom for these next few weeks.  I just need to redirect my path and stand strong at the direction I choose and be well with my choice even if I think later it might have been the wrong one.  But in true might have been the right one at the time.  All you can do is live right?  Take a breath and wake up in the morning and repeat and focus on the rythym and pace of it.  That is life you automatically breathe its natural but the pacing and focus takes time and skill.  I feel like grief has made me wise beyond my years.  I feel my soul is so much older then before.  Just the way I look at life and others and situations has seemed to change forever.  Some for the good and some for the maybe worse.  I miss the nieve blissfulness of never knowing this little world existed.  But its life and its my life and all you can do is keep breathing right?  Count your blessings daily even the small ones so that you don't drown because those negatives will steady drown you.

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