Sunday, April 1, 2012

Starting my vacation....

We have labeled it "crazy week vacation" I don't know how I will feel from day to day but to just plan for it I took the week off to sort thru my feelings and have time to myself to feel things all the way thru.  Last week before I got this horrid sinus infection from the lovely oak I started feeling how I felt when I was at home after her birth like I needed to be outside or doing something like I felt fragile in a way.  Like I was weak and so broken then I somewhat felt like that again this past week.  The emotions have come in like waves but each one different lately.  I think about subjects to blog daily and write the blog out in my head but never seem to take the time or energy to write it out here.  I know I need to I know I will want to reread this all someday this long journey that is now about to hit the 1 year mark of my love's birth.  I think of the right nows right now I would be head over heels inlove and excited because tomorrow would bring some of the happiest memories I would ever share with my daughter.  Yes April 2nd last year was my baby shower I would be smiling and laughing with friends and rubbing my belly with a chubby little baby rubbing and kicking back.  Lifting my shirt and showing my family how she moves and watching everyone's eye's light up as they saw little feet skimming across my growing belly.  She was so healthy so happy inside me her heart was strong that day and life was perfect.  One boy, one girl, one happy inlove husband and joyous family and friends all around and nothing, nothing but happiness in the air.  The memories are precious and I am glad that I had my shower so that I can look back on that time with her and those moments forever trapped in my heart and brain.  I know how good life can feel I know how perfect it can seem.  Course I know the other end when a person's beauty bubble is popped but I am just choosing for tonight to think about before that bubble burst what it felt like before, before my heart was broken before sadness and despair took over smiles and laughter.  Before I entered this life long marathon of grief and exhaustion.  I will focus on her sweetness tonight and I will smile and dream of her sweet face.

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