Thursday, April 5, 2012

Why tonight hurts so much...

Tonight would be the last time I felt her last time I heard her heartbeat she had the hiccups a little after 930pm.  Tonight sometime while I was sleeping my baby died.  She left us.  I felt funny the hiccups felt distant but I attributed that to her engaging and moving down since that is what babies do when they are getting ready to be born.  They drop into position.  She wasn't moving as much but she was still moving more then enough and healthy movements just felt down low.  I have never been pregnant so long before so again I thought this was normal for a 3rd trimester baby.  How I wish I could rewind to that night knowing what I know now and rush into a hospital and throw myself on a c-section table and save her.  But yes I know that is not the way it turned out and I know there is no turning back time.  After all I know all to well how this story ends.  I think about that night and how happy we were laying in bed together talking about the baby and how big she was and how in a few more weeks she would be laying next to us too.  I kept telling John I think I am going to the doctor's tomorrow I am feeling different and how I didn't want to take any chances and what would it hurt just to get checked out.  I wish that gut feeling would have been harder like a punch in the face harder.  I miss her deeply I miss the happiness she brought I miss the wholeness she gave us I miss the feelings of not feeling so much pain and emptiness and sorrow.  I miss the nieveness of life prior to experincing harsh grief.  It's like a head on collision in a car accident just hits you so suddenly you never knew it was coming and even if you did there is nothing you can or could do to stop it or reverse it once it hits.  The damage is already done. 

No comments:

Post a Comment