Days go on...

So as the days pass my anxiety has picked up on and off for the past few weeks.  I think partly because you expect or think this pain will somehow cease someday.  You think maybe the year mark things will get easier the pain will soften.  But then you come to realize the truth that you will forever live with this barren pain this feeling of aching emptiness for it seems like forever.  You get days where you are discouraged and exhausted then you get days where you seem like you are renewed and drive hard to move forward and advance some how in life.  You never know what type of day it is going to be sometimes it can be half way thru it.  Sometimes it seems like you are living with a split personality from one moment to the next.  I thought the counting might calm down after the year mark and in ways it has but in other ways it still continues but just not as strong.  I remember thinking this time last year I wish I could just fast foward a year from now and not feel this much pain and intensity.  But truthfully the pain is the same as I had said before you just get stronger like and chronic pain sufferer and develope a tolerance.  I find myself wondering where I was last year this time.  I know I was waiting on her urn and battling the doctors for the release of her death certificate so that she could be cremated and bought home.  I know we were trying to decide about a funeral or memorial service but couldn't bare the thought of going thru with it and just frankly were not strong enough.  I don't look back on my blog ever from previous posts and I don't reread my posts ever after they are written that is why sometimes I am surprised that people read them because I wonder half the time if they make any sense or if it is just some crazy woman rambling about her feelings of loss.  I wish this blog wasn't so sad and maybe as time passes it won't be anymore.  Lord knows what I will be counting down a year from now or how strong I will grow by then.  Time is such a tricky thing but then again so is life.