Tonight I was sitting on the porch by myself thinking of my baby and how I wished I was busy caring for her and all the things that go with it. I just am feeling cheated and a little down and I look up and find this in my view =)
Friday, July 29, 2011
Regret is something in grief where you know it will drag you down so you try to shut your eyes tightly and stay as far from it as possible. You try not to bring those thoughts up because there is only one outlet for them and its a bad one. The could have should haves are simple words but they are ones that are so hurtful and piercing because after those words come the words fault and blame follow which are even more dangerous. Regret is something I remember from Dustin's birth and blame followed it. I felt so bad for him laying there fighting for life and I wondered and should have could haved myself to depression but one thing that kept me up was my baby was still there and fighting for life. With Delanie's pregnancy I knew the sting of regret and I told myself that would never be me again. I would never take a chance. I followed orders to the dime and never cheated even though I severely wanted to. I stayed in bed for 13 weeks straight in a laying down position with 10 minute showers and only trips to the bathroom. The last two weeks rounding weeks 14 and 15 on bedrest I was allowed to get up and walk to the kitchen 3 times per day and sit up and it was heaven. I didn't want to look back with any regrets if she came early. Little did I know that wouldn't be the factor to take her from me. So I followed orders to the tee and figured SURELY after all this hardwork I would be rewarded with the baby of our families dreams. And not to say I wasn't rewarded because yes I did enjoy my time falling deeply inlove with my daughter and experiancing so much in pregnancy and feeling her move and looking at her face when she was born. But like other moms I would for once like to be wheelchaired out of the hospital with a baby in my arms and happiness. I thought about that wheel chairing one of my patients out I just wondered if she knew how many people were wishing and were cherishing the moment she was having and that she was taking for granted. I started on the regret yesterday again just small thoughts I won't let my mind loom all the way into them because I know it is dangerous ground. I thought of the night before she died and how I felt something was off and I kept telling John she felt weird and far away. She had hiccups but I felt them in a different place down low in my pelvic area instead of up high in my belly. Her hiccups reassured me that she was alright though. I looked up half a dozen things on baby center and google that night and all of them told me about baby engaging so you would feel them lower and that movement would be slowing because they were bigger and running out of room. I googled until I felt better. During all this my daughter needed me and she was running out of time. Time I could never get back. I know there is nothing I can do now. I am a smart person but looking back I could only wish. I had a dream last night I was pregnant again only when the movement and stopped and she died at 32 weeks in the dream I was 34 weeks and I beleive it was with her and the time before was just a scare. In the dream I was wearing a white maternity shirt. My mom was with me and we were at a fair parking lot of some sort. I noticed the baby wasn't moving much and then I felt the baby move but noticed it was weak. I started to panic and made John take me to the doctor. Well in the dream the doctor's office appeared in the parking lot like it happens weirdly in dreams so we walked in and I checked in. A man was being loud in the waiting room about how big his wife was and laughing about it because they were having twins a and b he kept saying and that his wife was as big as Schlitterbaun. He looked over to me as I was about to go to the bathroom and loudly said laughing look at her she isn't even showing. I looked down at my white shirt and my belly was missing my belly was flat. Then I said oh no they took her again in a bland tone as if again and again they were taking her and giving her back. I felt my heartrate racing and then I woke up to a beautiful much needed face of my son Dustin asking me for poptarts. I am glad I woke up and I am glad he woke me up as that dreams was weird and a hard place to be. Just thought I would share the weirdness of my mind. Wishing today was different and I was carting arounnd two kids to the park or to take brother and sister pictures or to shop for Delanie because like her brother she too was out growing everything. Wishing...
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I want to fall into a sadness today but I won't today I choose to smile I choose to be happy for just a little while. I know my child is gone and I know I wish she was here but today just at least today I am going to choose to smile. I know things are looming over me but today I will put them aside. I will drive to the store in a little while and get her fresh flowers for the week. I will watch Dustin laugh and giggle and beg me for a toy at the store and I will enjoy it instead of wondering if I am spoiling him and all the parent thoughts that cross your mind on if you should say yes or no. I will just enjoy it. I will enjoy him being slow and me telling him to hurry up. I will enjoy him begging me for mc donalds on the way home. I will enjoy telling him to wash his hands and not use his shorts as a napkin. I will enjoy being a parent and be blessed that I have the chance. So today I will smile today I will enjoy what I have and miss what I have lost but be happy that it was mine to loose and that I had the chance. Praying for a better today and a stronger tomorrow
Saturday, July 23, 2011
So still on this path of discovering what this new world of mine is about. I feel as though I am in a different country at times exploring new depths of the earth. But I am still at home still in the same place and time but a different person now. I have discovered change feels good in some ways. I was going to trade in the car that excited me but now I think we might keep it a few more years as we just can't decide on what to get right now. Change...I chopped all my hair off...yep you read right. LOL I chopped it off to my shoulders I was in one of my angry type of moods and just wanted it gone and off. Luckily I had a wonderful hair stylist I met that was SO good to me and made me forget all about my mood when I was there. Kimmy helped and watched Dustin for me so I could get my hair done and that was nice no rush or anything. I had wanted to get my hair done before but never wanted to make Dustin wait for me. Constantly striving for change. I don't know why but each thing helps and makes me feel better. We layed sod on the yard today only got about half of it done but it felt good. Yard is looking better and it really makes me feel better and happier. We had a great family day playing in the yard and just being with eachother. John's parents came for lunch and we went to the nursery and they bought us a beautiful Zinna plant for the garden =) I am inlove with it.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
I have a co-worker at work that I am thinking of today. His grief is different then mine, he lost his father. He recently came back to work and I look at him and know the silent suffering he is feeling. I know the mixed feelings of despair, sadness,sorrow and akwardness. I know the path he is taking it is the same path even though people are put on it for different reasons. I know the hard path he is about to take and I wish I could warn him about the twists and turns and the rollercoaster of emotions that he will go thru. I wish I could tell him that the path has a end but it doesn't it just gets brighter and easier to walk thru as you go. It starts off dark and hard but gets easier to travel with time but nonetheless you are always traveling on it. I know right now he is getting reborn in away. When you experaince grief like that you are reborn to a new world in ways like you have never imagined sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse it really depends on you and your outlook and your support system is very crucial. I know the stages and they are all to true course I don't believe the order of things because to me it bounces you around to each stage at random times. You never know waking up from one day to the next exactly how you will be that day or time. I wish I could give him a energy boost because I know its going to be so exhausting and it will beat him hard but you just can't let it win and take over. Grief is like cancer you can lay down and let it consume you and take you over or you can stand up and fight it and try to win back your life. It's a battle no one can take on by themselves as you need people to cheer you on and lift you up. I know how blessed I am on how many people reached out and stood by my side. Some people I have never even met before or maybe haven't spoken to since high school days have stood up and helped me fight and helped me thru the "make your bed days". I can only pray for everyone who walks this path of grief a powerful support system like that. The weeks after Delanie died I had so many people contact me some I have never met that touched me. I can only pray for that for him or anyone else suffering deeply that people stand by them in their time of need even if they don't know what they need at that exact time just to be there if they do means so much. Even just a whisper of a prayer helps even though we don't know it at the time your whispering it, we feel and need it.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Been a while since I had a garden update. I will post a few pictures =)
|My sweet baby boy =) He makes my heart so happy|
|Her tree has grown over a foot! We are so happy with it|
|This is our next garden we are ripping out it was all bushes with no color we are taking them all out and making a rose garden|
|Bushes we have already tore out|
|John's father's day gift from his parents its very peaceful I love sitting on the porch and listening to it|
|Garden friends =)|
|See the hanging baskets, John put mounts up there to let them hang off the roof he did such a good job|
|My new plants I got today John surprised me and brought them home|
|A new plant John got me today too!|
|And the third one he got me so happy|
I realize in life as we know we aren't given tomorrow all the time that we need to treasure today. I always don't want to drag out the camera and take pictures then download them it sometimes can be a pain. But what if I don't take them and I need them at a later time. I already feel like Dustin is growing way to fast and I always say in my head I will never forget him this small or how he feels at this or that time. But in truth our memories fade and pictures help bring them back to color. I don't take as many as I use to. For those of you who knew me back in the day I use to take about 30-50 pictures a day of Dustin just because I treasured him so much and I thought he was the world's most precious item and anything he did was front page news worthy. This is harsh but why is it I no longer feel that way? Am I starting to take him for granted because he is so healthy? It could be because I am so comfortable as well. But I need to capture these moments so for that I am going to start taking many more pictures on my days off and not just on my phone like I often do for facebook. I need to start taking more and printing them out and putting them around the house and filling my house with love and what I enjoy....my family. So take some pictures of your heart aka family and savor the moments today but tuck away little reminders for the years to come in photos. You know that one special picture some of you may have of your childhood of maybe you with your parents or brother or sister? What if we miss that photo for our kids today? Or even a special pet furbaby that you might not have 5 years from now but when you see that picture it makes your heart flood with love? Love today because tomorrow is not always given xoxo
Friday, July 15, 2011
I know the past few days I have not written. Sometimes I feel badly because it seems I write the same things over and over. The early part of this week was harder times and it seemed as if things were getting worse all over again. I worked Thursday and Friday which really kept me busy and wore me out completely I don't even know how I am still awake at the moment. In fact I might be dreaming! But nonetheless things have been weighing heavy on our minds. We still seem like we are cleaning up and rebuilding like ground zero. You know another anaology kinda thing. Ground Zero totally taken out but you are able to clean up and rebuild and get back to life but it's never the same. That is how we are cleaning up and rebuilding but we will never be the same. I am feeling like progress was moving to slow on the gardens like we were at a stand still again and I want to keep moving. So John being the wonderful understanding husband sensed that from me and started ripping up another garden I wanted changed and we will work on it more tomorrow. I will take some more pictures of different things this weekend. We have added so many new flowers and I am wanting to add more this weekend. I am trying to pay close attention to butterfly attracting plants. When I asked the questions to people on my earlier post many people replied and yes it was VERY healing. I read each answer and really appreciate it. It helps my brain and heart and its like hearing little stories about that day and other points of view. I know I wasn't alone in grief that day. I really am wanting to save them all and print them out because I think over the years I will prolly reread them to feel closer. I need to work on alot of her things so hopefully this weekend I will be able to get some more done on her books and things. Wish us luck and productivity this weekend xoxoxo about to fall asleep from exhaustion, more to come later xo
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Today has been hard on feelings mixed with a lot of emotions that are hard to understand. The road of grief is so long and so tiring. It looks like just a road when you look at it but when you travel down it you start to see the journey. Just like me when you look at me I am just a person but when you read my feelings you see the journey and the battle going on inside me. On the outside I am normal and try to be funny and try to be normal and whole looking. But on the inside I am broken and hurting and wanting to cry out in the pain. Not to say this is me all the time there are good times and bad just like going back to the road there are bumpy parts and then there are smooth parts it's all part of the journey ahead. But at least I am moving forward, I hope anyways. The things that bother or trigger you are some that you would never think of, last night I was at cracker barrel enjoying time with my sister, brother in law and mother and son. When I was looking around my heart sank when I looked at some white pretty heart shaped plates meant to hang on a wall. They were perfect for her room. Part of me forgetting that she was gone eagerly walked over to them and started to pick them up because they were so perfect for her room in every way. I had hardly anything on her walls because I wanted everything to be so perfect and I was always searching for things that were special and here it was but then the reality hit me and I remembered that the room was just a room now and there was no baby coming to it and that I had lost her and wasn't pregnant anymore. It all hit me at once. Just like that normal to grief in 0.0 seconds. It's amazing how your mind can do that. How when you are groggy in the morning and are in the middle of sleep and awakeness and feel down to your belly only to find it is missing. It still happens. Sometimes a blessing then sometimes a reminder. Life is hard right now hopefully better soon. I know it comes in waves it goes up then down and you just have to wait for the next one to pass. I know it isn't going to stop and I know I am strong just sometimes I can't be strong all the time. Sometimes I am weak and I try not to be sometimes I let the grief pour in and sometimes I fight to keep it at bay. I try to stop myself from talking about her all the time but lately it is all I ever think about. I think about now what was everyone else doing when she died and what did they think when they heard the news and what did they do. I want to know so if you read this please tell me. Where were you and how did you find out and what did you think and the effect she has had on you. Please respond here or on facebook or email. firstname.lastname@example.org I think of the Allen Jackson song where were you when the world stopped turning I know it was about September 11th but in my mind it plays because my world stopped turning that day. I just wonder all the time what people were doing and what their reactions were. I had a friend who's daughter passed away she I don't think will ever know how much it really effected me. I went into a depression not just because of it but it totally pushed me over then I went to get help with medication and then my life changed for the better and I really think it was all because of her daughter. I a few months later I finally had the guts to sign up for college and went to nursing school. I have no idea why her death meant so much to me to change for the better. Prolly because she was such a beautiful girl with a wonderful spirit and a huge heart. I kept thinking of how their family just didn't deserve to lose her. But what family does. I think that about Delanie to. We deserved to have her. I worked so hard for her just as that mother my friend had worked for her daughter. Life has a way to twist and turn and it never seems to work the way you expect it to. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. So please answer my question I may save them. But I want to know. Where were you when my world stopped turning? How did it effect you? How did you find out? How did you feel?
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Yes another count down date I have been really pondering this one. When I was pregnant with Delanie John and I both decided I would be taking 12 weeks off of work when she was born so that I could enjoy her deeply since I had worked so hard to bring her into this world it would be my reward to cherish my child a little longer before entering back into the world as a working mother once again also would help build a hearty milk supply for my little one. So today my little girl would have been 3 months old I would be sad because I would be returning back to work this week and fighting tears back and dropping her off with her very excited loving grandma. I would know she was in the best of hands with her grandma but would cry driving away the first few days. How I wish this is how the story went. I wish I was crying those tears of breaking away from my baby for the first time and calling every hour to ask how she was doing without her mother next to her. But there is no one to call and no returning to her today. It's a sad reality but true. Today we were searching for a new car as I really wanted to keep busy all day so it helped and we wanted to take advantage of the newer lower interest rates as our older car has a higher interest rate. One of the car salesman asked John and pointed as our son and asked is he your only? John quickly said yes and my heart broke. I know that was the best answer for that situation and time. But it still hurts because we have one more. She just can't be seen or heard only felt. I wanted to scream out to the man no wait we have to change the answer! We have one more! Her name is Delanie and she is a angel! Please please don't forget her. But I know like I said that was the right answer for that situation and time and person. They don't want to know about it nor would they care anyways. Just thoughts and issues screaming thru my mind more then likely a little more sensitive and reactive from the date and time. I am sure tomorrow will bring a different view and a different light of things. Not all is bad in this world this I know I have learned so much from Delanie's birth and passing about people and that there is good and bad in the world and different ways to view it. I feel sometimes I have some super power to see people in a different light now. Like when grief hits you that hard it awakes a inner person in you that you have never met or even knew existed. You are forever changed and in some ways for the better. I laugh sometimes because I picture it like neo in the matrix. The world is different around you and you are more aware of the sensitivities of it and the inner peace that is so easily broken. The grief takes away the nieveness that you had before the reading of stories and never thinking it could be you. Then the shattering break thru that now you are the story and its happening to you even though you never thought it possible. It's possible. You are never better then anyone else it can happen to you so be thankful for everything and every chance you get in life cherish it deeply and be happy for the everyday life that you live. Tell the ones you love how you feel because like many say you are not promised tomorrow so live today. I know everyday I am thankful truly thankful for all the wonderful friends and family I have and the outreach of support from people for the loss of Delanie. Some of whom I have never even met but love deeply. People who would give everything they could just to make us smile. I know you are out there and I know you care and for that I love you and carry on each day knowing there is goodness out there and care and love. That is what makes me smile and that is what gives me strength and courage to keep fighting the battle of life and to keep striving for the better. Even though I keep getting knocked down I will keep getting up and I will keep fighting because I am strong and won't be beat I will fight for the love and family and life we deserve. We have so much to give. Thank you.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
So yesterday I offered to work the fourth of July since it's holiday pay and we could really use the extra money and John had to work anyways so what is a holiday without your husband anyways? I was super tired but when I got there we were super busy but it later calmed more. For those of you who don't know me personally I am a postpartum couplet care nurse. I was sitting down eating lunch somewhat happy in my little mind chatting with my friends. I saw a nurse that came to help us from another hospital in our NICU unit and the last time I had saw her she was pregnant and that was about 2 years ago so I thought I would be nice and ask her about her child. She went on to say which one? She then told me laughing that she was pregnant just about every year and laughed. It was sad for me inside I wish I could say that. She went on and said she had just had another baby. I told her congratulations but on the inside feeling uneasy. I am always happy for others and it is true happiness not fake at all a little jealous at time of the ease of there happiness but very happy for them. She went on to say she had her third little boy in April. My heart sank. Then the final blow she told me April 6th.....Then she told me she had her son at the same hospital I was with the same group of doctors. It really hurt because I have a video type brain so when someone tells me a story or statement I play it out in my head. She was also in the room next to me. So I pictured me in a room holding my daughter trying to focus on saying goodbye. Then her in the next room giving birth to her lively beautiful son focusing on saying hello and wondering what she got her self into with another child so close. I would love to be in her shoes to have a house full of screaming children and diapers to be changed and laundry pilling up. I know its not her fault and I know she loves and takes care of her 3 boys and she is a good person. I told her I had a daughter and the time she was brought into this world but I did not have the heart or courage to tell her the rest. She happily bounced off as she finished her lunch and I sat in shock at the table for a few minutes imagining what her day of April 6th was like and what we were both doing at the same times in a room apart. I thought about the moments in time that we are so blissfully unaware of like right now a mother is being told somewhere in the world that her baby has no heartbeat or right now there is a baby a beautiful baby being brought into this world in a silent room with a mother feverishly praying for a sign of life from her newborn child. I thought and pictured everything the whole days events and the happiness in the next room verses the sadness and crushing in my room. Those first feelings were so hurtful and so shocking the pure thought of someone ripping your heart off and stomping on it would be a slight look into them. I could go over all my feelings of that day but I would be writing on here forever and they are all things I have slowly posted prior. There is no true way of words to describe the aching pain of losing a part of you and the ground shattering reality of seeing your much hoped for baby lifeless but perfect with nothing wrong with her just no heartbeat. It's just crazy these feelings of grief. I always say time is like pain medication it soothes the pain so that you can do your daily tasks and live but it never takes away the source of the pain it can only mask it.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
So we rescued a small little siamese from death row =) It felt good to give life to something and be able to but looking back on all the faces I could not save hurt badly. Our attention after leaving quickly turned to the personality and beauty of our new addition and the wonders she would bring to the family and how our 11 month old kitty would like her. It turned out well and she has made her self right at home and is extremely loveable and smart =) Our other cat Lulu isn't fond of her really but I am sure with time they will be buddies and playmates. I think it will help keep me even more busy and keep my mind going as Delanie's 3 month mark is rounding the corner. The constant wonder is always there the hurt is always there. I wonder at each month what she would be like and what her little faces would be. It's hard to watch Dustin sleeping because he looks alot like her dreaming there peacefully. Still haven't touched her room but I know it will happen shortly. I keep thinking someone will want to see it and I need to wait for them to view it just not sure who that is besides Delanie and Dustin's brother or sister. I have to work tomorrow it has been going well. We have been extremely busy. So many babies coming into this world. We have had several fetal demises in the past few weeks as well. I am trying to change many things at work to better serve any mother who has to leave the hospital with a broken heart and empty arms. I swear I will change it for the better just gaining energy and ideas and supplies. When I get it done I will be asking for help on certain things so stay posted if you would be interested! I have a flyer almost completed just need someone else to proof it for me and add pictures =) See what the next few months holds for us <3