Saturday, November 16, 2013

Life as we know it

Life has changed and is so busy and going by so fast I feel like from the moment I wake to the moment I lay my head down is nothing but that a MOMENT!  Course Kinley is still waking through the night and has recently had her first illness which turned into croup.  Which that then landed her in our bed inbetween two parents mindlessly watching a baby girl breath while she slept.  The croup was not that bad at all I have been thru much worse and a WAY sicker child.  I was telling friend's that it is amazing the difference on how a person can change with life.  I was the mother to a very sick little boy who coded many times with a long NICU stay and then came home on multiple medications, oxygen until he was older then 5 years old and a heart montior until he was over a year old.  I handled him without breaking a sweat and seemed like I was forever sure of my actions and routines in his care.  Then there is this chubby faced little cherub of a girl of mine and she gets a virus and floors the whole house.  The first night I was so scared and she wasn't even that sick I slept sitting up with her on my chest just to feel her breath in and out.  I was a nervous wreck.  It just seems with the unthinkable does happen to you in life you understand how easy it is to be chosen again.  Logically I know she is fine but in my crazy brain I have to convince it.  It really is a mess up there!  Kinley is almost 11 months and I don't understand where the time went and how fast it really flew by.  Dustin will be 11 in March?  I can't picture him being 11 years old he is still very much my small little baby.  Your always at a cross roads as a parent wanting to see your child to the next stage whether it be crawling to walking to riding a bike but then in the same breath you want to revert them back to a tiny fragile newborn.  They both never stop amazing me daily with their new growth and love towards eachother.  Their bond is so incredible and really one of life's greatest treasures to me.  Kinley is so very much wanted by all of us especially Dustin.  I see now how much he needed her and how much he cares deeply for her.  I know that when we leave this world they will have eachother and they will have a forever bond.  Dustin knows her worth he worked just as hard and Kinley feels his unconditional love and devotion and returns in even as small as she is.  I love looking at her look at him and her eyes just sparkle and light up with amazement and I get a little giddy because this is only the beginning of her watching him and looking up to him.  I am excited for the years to come but so much want them to slow down!  I feel like I am not doing enough and not savoring each day enough.  Lord knows I will try harder tomorrow!  Well at least that is what I say each night in prayer = )

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Beautiful gift

Just when I think my first daughter can't get anymore beautiful something comes along in life to remind me her essence is still very much here and she is still very cared for.  I recently came in contact by CHANCE with a local NILMDTS photographer for those of you who do not know the organization it is a non-profit organization that takes pictures of babies that have passed away usually at the hospital or birthing center where they are born into this world.  I was not offered this service and have deeply regretted not hiring a professional to capture the brief wonderful moments we had with our sweet daughter Delanie Faye.  We took pictures with our camera as best as we could but were so caught up in the moments that we really did not take many as we were just trying to soak up every minute of time with her and feel her warmth and love.  This wonderful local photographer asked to see the pictures and she returned some beautiful images to me in a beautiful slide show as a surprise.  I was taken back by how wonderful a gift I have been given and loved watching it about the first billion times I played it.  John and I thought many times on if we should share it with family and friends and decided the safest way would be to put it on our blog.  I know I have not been blogging lately but I do plan to restart blogging soon.  I did want to share this beautiful gift with everyone that loved and cared for Delanie Faye.  Please no sharing, no copying we are very private with Delanie Faye because in this world their are sick people and we would be crushed if her pictures got in the wrong hands and were used without our consent.

Here is the link to her slide show and the password is Delaniefaye
larger view on the weblink 

Or watch below

Thank you to the beautiful angel photographer that helped us out with this wonderful gift

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Life is a current

Seems like when you have rough waters ahead life has a way of speeding up the current to keep you busy to get you thru hard times with more ease.  That is what it was like for John's dad death we were so busy we really didn't have time to stop and soak in the moment that he was actually gone.  Life's current kept us alive, it kept us ever moving on to the new moments and chapters in life.  This weekend we had taken Kinley to the doctor's on Friday and they had diagnosed her with a ear infection but really just fluid in the ear.  We started her on amoxicillin Friday around 4pm.  Woke up Saturday morning to a very allergic hive covered baby.  But nonetheless she was very happy and didn't suspect anything was wrong.  She woke up her normal babbly self.  So we called the doctor and talked and decided to keep her antibiotic free for at least 48 hours since she had never ran a fever and the ears never seemed to bother her either.  So the start of our day!  We fed Dustin breakfast and my mom was here Kinley of course got her's as well.  John and I both wanted a couple moments together so we went out to breakfast and granny stayed with the kids.  We both were at a loss how do you begin to celebrate or not celebrate your lost child's birth?  Really all we wanted was to be with eachother so that is what we did.  We went to the store and got things to cook all meals at home so that we wouldn't have to leave again.  We got home and just spent the day doing average stuff but all together.  I silently watched my little family play on the floor and kept imagining a little two year old sneak up on her daddy from behind on the floor and tackle him.  I know she would be the silent fiesty type, maybe with strawberry blonde curls and fiery blue eyes.  I wished she would be there to make the whole day more clearer on what exactly was supposed to happen.  It's so easy to throw your child a birthday party when they are here but there is no handbook on what you do when they are gone?  Sunday came and Kinley's rash got much better we again stayed close but no real plans we just wanted to be together.  Monday morning we were back to the doctor where we both decided no antibiotics for Kinley because really it was fluid trapped and hopefully it would start to clear up on it's own and we would watch for signs of infection.  We bought a head band to help keep the water out of her ears since she likes to splish and splash in the bath tub.  She really is a water baby.  The week slowly went on and the allergins got higher and since I was not on my allergy meds due to breastfeeding you can imagine this Thursday I am in a sinus attack and sick praying it is just allergies because I am having severe issues on being scared Kinley will get sick.  To other people they might brush it off.  To me I picture any cold giving her RSV and her slipping away from us.  To someone that has had the worst case senerio happen this is what runs thru my head which sends me into full anxiety attacks.  I know this is something I slowly have to deal with and with time I will get stronger and more faith and I will trust that Kinley will get stronger each day to fight what comes her way.  Yes logically I can talk myself down.  But everything is still over running in my head that something will take her away from us.  I constantly need to touch her to feel her and yes is may seem to others that I may be spoiling her but really I am not soothing her, she is soothing me.  She is breathing on me to let me know she can.  I feel her warmth cause it's there and I smell her because she is so sweet and I just breathe the moment in.  Really makes you think not to judge others in their parenting because you never know what that mother or family has been thru.  And yes I am very guilty in this thinking my way of raising a child is the way to go!  But each child is different and with each child the mother evolves into something else something new that is only meant for that child.  Each child making her grow and change into a new person, more educated, more peaceful, more logical and maybe just maybe learning to take things as the come and know that life is ever changing and there is really nothing we can do about it.  All we can do is enjoy this day and pray for the next.  Each night I do this.  I pray for our next day I pray in thanks for all the things that could have gone wrong but didn't.  I pray for all the unknown blessings that slipped into my day without me knowing. 

Friday, April 5, 2013

April 5th...

The counting never ceases to amaze me how it seems to continue even though you think you have gotten passed that in your life you never really truly do.  Tonight I am counting again.  Two years ago I would be sitting in bed tonight telling John I was crazy but I felt something was wrong.  But all the signs where there that she was okay and healthy.  She even had the hiccups that night but I told John I thought they felt different.  She was moving so not much to alarm there.  I kept checking her heart tones that evening with the doppler because I just felt like something was wrong.  Her heartbeat was fine and a beautiful sound to hear.  I kept reassuring myself that I had way to much time on my hands and that strict bedrest had finally caused me to lose my mind.  I went to sleep that night saying in my head if I still feel this way tomorrow morning I will just go in to be safe.  That morning I awoke to a still baby..there was no breakfast demands like usual.  She was silently sleeping, she was gone.  She silently slipped away in the night right inside of me and I didn't even know it happened.  What time was it?  What happened?  What did she think and did she know how much I loved her and how much I needed her?  All I was left with was emptiness and questions and pain.  I miss her spirited little self I love her so dearly.  How much time has changed but some feelings never seem to.  I remember myself this night last year.  I was in bed in the dark and didn't want to be near anyone in this world.  I missed her my heart ached with all it's might and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain.  I felt even more empty and that the universe had to have hated me as I had started my period again...another sign that I was even more empty and there was no baby growing inside me and I was wondering if I would ever have the chance to love again to be a new mother again and to give my family another member to love.  I was at such a low point.  If I only had known there was light around the bend and that about 21 more days from that point I would get the surprise of my rainbow on the horizon.  A new journey beginning a gift from her sister.  Yes Kinley Raye has brought light thru the darkness and my arms are holding tight to her tonight but yes I still ache for my sweet first born daughter to be in my arms again.  Forever missing you my love. 

Please no sharing or copying

Friday, March 29, 2013

Good Friday

Kinley's first good Friday!  Dustin was happy to be off school and had a great day by getting to do his favorite things in life!  Stay in his pj's and play games and have a movie day!  I have been exhausted with my little Kbug so I was happy to join him in a full on PJ day!  I did dress Kinley in a little Easter onesie today and snap a few pictures.  I made Dustin all the meals he wanted today soup and sandwiches for lunch and I made homemade bacon, cheese and chicken hot pockets for dinner!  I have really been getting into cooking lately and trying to be a better momma and little wife!  I just wish I had about 80 hours more sleep to do that!  It's been one of those weeks where the house is a little dirtier then usual but kids are happy and mommy is exhausted but in utter paradise!  Kinley has been gassy and spitting up this past couple days.  I think it is my over active let down while breastfeeding.  She is strictly breastfed so no formula woes there.  Hoping it starts to ease up and we get back to normal nursing soon I really think it was just a growth spurt and now she has to adjust to the new flow of things.  Right now I should be sleeping and catching up on dreams but my head is full of things and I need to unwind.  I am just listening to the still of the house right now and enjoying it except for the barking shiz-su two house's down.  Dustin is snuggled in his bed with his fifty stuffed animals and blankets layed all just right and a kiss from momma on his forehead and Kinley is snuggled up in her bassinet beside me snoozing away.  She will more then likely stay asleep either until 1am or sometimes she will sleep until 3am for a feeding then back to sleep until 6am then back to sleep sometimes until 8am.  Which is nice!  I look at her laying beside me and just watching her sleep I miss her even though I am exhausted I miss her...At this point in the night I am staring at her and saying how I wish I could FFWD to her 3 am feeding to nurse and love her again.  I will never mind getting up in the night to feed her because yes I miss her.  But yes I miss sleep too I wish I could do both at the same time!  I am excited about her first Easter John and I bought her the most precious dress that I am wanting to see her in so badly.  I bought a polo for Dustin to match her as well and I want to see them together.  I so am always thinking about my sweet Delanie daily wishing I could have bought her a dress to match her siblings.  I know this is how it will be for the rest of my life always having that missing link there and wondering the what if's.  I am so grateful Kinley is here but wishing I had all three of my children filling up my home and keeping me up even more at night.  Delanie would have been turning two next week and I can't help but think of how much fun she would be right now picking up eggs and twirling in her dress and shoveling cookies and cupcakes in her mouth and getting a lolly pop stuck in her hair and driving me mad trying to keep her clean when all she would want to do is play in the dirt with her brother more then likely.  I wish I was that busy mom even more then I am.  I wish we were outnumbered LOL  But I will take my blessings at least I had her at least she is my daughter my first born daughter.  I will count my blessings and watch my children that I have with me grow but I will never forget that missing link and will always think of her daily. 

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

My heartbeats

This is what makes my heart beat 

My Newborn time

I know I have neglected this blog tons and got so behind that I didn't quite know how to write to catch up or go about it.  So I will label this my "newborn time" as now my baby is officially not a newborn but a infant since she is now 3 wonderful months old.  I can tell you that my path to this beautiful rainbow has been full of surprises and emotions and challenges.  Yes the emotions of my sweet Delanie have been there and heavy as she will never not once ever be forgotten.  When Kinley even came out I sucked in a short breath for a time because yes she looks so much like her sister.  When Kinley is sleeping she looks like her sleeping older sister Delanie.  I watch this wonderful little person grow and many of times wonder what her sister would have been like and what wonderful milestones she would have reached and how soon and how she would complete them.  Yes I think of this daily.  Kinley has brought so much light and happiness to my life.  Each day I feel like I won the lottery and that is not a over saying it.  I know there is the phrase once I get that baby I will never put her down.  Well that is me to in real life.  I really don't ever put her down, I don't stop watching her sleep and her chest rise and fall and listen to the air whistle softly in and out of her sweet body.  To me these things amaze me.  I lay my hand on her chest often and feel her heart beating against it.  I take all her cloths off and put her against my chest to feel her warmth.  I smell her constantly and rub my lips on her head.  I take nothing for granted and will never get enough of her closeness.  I know people may say that I spoil her but in my mind I just appreciate her I feel in my crazy mind she fought to be with us and chose us when I desperately needed her and I will spend every moment in my life thanking her for that.  I hold her so close as if she will disappear if I don't at times.  I love nursing her because yes we are that much closer.  Each thing in life I do compare to wondering how it would have been with her sister and I am sure as she grows that will not change.  In a way Delanie is living thru her I am seeing this little girl grow and though it is not my Delanie she is connected to her carrying her in this world.  She is my rainbow and when anyone thinks of her it is hard not to think of how she got here and that connects her to Delanie.  Everything about her brings me closer to her sister as well.  I will make sure she grows in life knowing her sister.  When I was little I was my mother's rainbow after she lost my brother Micah Ren stillborn as well I always knew of him and I would often think of him as I was the last child I always thought how sweet he was to give me his place in life.  I hope Kinley has the same respect for her sister.  Dustin talks about her as well and he is utterly in love with Kinley and he is always tending to her and loving her sweetly.  He can calm her and make her smile and now this week even get a slight giggle out of her.  She looks at him like he hung the moon at times and I have to say many times it takes my breath away.  I just can't say enough good things about her and what she has brought to our lives.  My husband my son everything in our lives have changed for the better with her near.  I also made a change with my husbands support to switch to a pool position at work where I would only work one shift every 4 weeks or as needed.  That is basically for me to socialize every now and then!  Course I have not worked one day yet and not sure if I will be able to but we will cross that bridge when I get there.  So I have loved my life living every waking and no waking moment for my children and husband.  There is no stress in leaving them and my husband makes sure of that thank goodness.  He understood the moment I prolly laid eyes on that baby that I would never leave her side for a long while.  All thru her hospital stay I never could leave her which is why I got so sick after because I could not sleep away from her even if for a few hours I would say I would sleep 4 hours but then wake up early to go back because I needed to be near her.  The true fact is I need her more then she needs me.  She feels me with everything good and everything bright after I have been in the dark for so very long.  So if people say you are spoiling her no I am not she is healing me she is spoiling me.  There is no spoiling when you can not get enough of your child's warmth, love, and sweet breaths against your skin.  Not when you have been thru everything that we have been thru.  Unless you have walked in our shoes you can never know the feelings we have been thru and will go thru for the rest of our lives.  My children and my husband so keep my heart beating and full of love.  Every night I am constantly counting my blessings thankful for each thing that could go wrong each day but doesn't.  I will try to write more everyday issues and update with pictures more often on our little journey of life.  Dustin is getting so big and of course Kinley daily.  I am growing in my journey as well as John and we are still pittering on our path just doing the best we can with one step at a time.  Thats the best you can do in life when you run or take to much at one time you are likely to fall.  We are pittering along!

Kinley Raye =)

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Christmas and Kinley's home coming on the 26th!

Santa came!

Christmas outfit

carseat study

we passed!!  I get to go to the room with momma and daddy!

posing for mommy

about to go home!

In the car!

We did it!

More in the hospital room

first moments in the house

sign in front yar

Big brother loves her

So happy!

NICU times

Pictures of Kinley's NICU stay

Last Pregnancy Pictures

Last shots of me pregnant with Kinley right before we went into have her!

Done!  36+6 weeks

This mama was ready to meet her baby

Saturday, February 23, 2013

A Raye of light thru the darkness

True to her middle name Kinley Raye shines thru every darkness when you least expect it.  She proved that the day she arrived brightly in this world.  I will try to remember as much detail as possible as she is already two months old and has kept me holding and loving her every possible moment of the days that have passed that I have not had much free time to sit relax and even ponder the day she brought so much light to us.  As I last wrote John's beloved father and my children's beloved grandfather left our lives suddenly.  We were trying to lay him to rest before Kinley was to make her appearance on the 20th.  I had my last high risk check up on Monday the 17th and she had told me at the appointment all was well and that we were okay for Thursday to do the c-section as scheduled at 37+1 days gestation.  Which worked great because that would mean Tuesday I could go to the funeral to say goodbye and get last minute things done and to give her poor father time to mourn his father and also nurse a horrible case of the flu.  Yes John the Saturday before tested positive for the flu things were definately raining on us.  My beautiful long time dog passed away, John's father passed away and then John came down with the flu just days before his daughter was scheduled to enter the world.  We did what we could and I slept on the couch and John was locked in our room with tamiflu and all.  We tried very hard to keep it contained.  By Tuesday John was much better and the doctor told us he would no longer be contagious by Monday night thanks to the tamiflu.  Tuesday morning we both got up early to get ready to lay his father to rest.  I had been extremely tired from taking care of John and Dustin and sleeping on the couch and trying to help as much as I could as after 36 weeks they told me I could be off bedrest.  So we quietly spent that morning rushing around the house not saying to much because we knew this day would be hard.  We got in the car and started to drive towards John's parent's house to pick up his mother and ride together as a family.  On the way to the house the phone was Dr. Mcfarland.  She informed us that she had been up most of the night thinking about us and that the baby's SD ratios were off enough to deliver that the baby was to be born today and they scheduled the c-section for 4pm and that we needed to be at the hospital by 12 noon to get my clotting labs drawn for surgery....shock....the funeral was at 9:45 I asked if I could go and she said yes but after to go to the hospital.  I hung up the phone and turned to my husband with mixed emotions part happy to meet my child that was moving around inside me at the exact moment, then sad because I knew he would not want her born on this day of mourning, scared because his recent illness and our delicate soon to be newborn.  So many emotions...then I turned to him and told him what the doctor said.  At first I could see the hurt on his face and shock and almost anger at a glance.  Then after a few moments of silence he held my hand and we were fine.  We both decided to not tell anyone at the funeral and not his mother until his father was mourned and respects were paid.  We did not want to make it about us and the baby coming this was his father's time.  This was one of the hardest things to do.  We picked up John's mom she had made us breakfast I had to decline which I know she thought was odd seeing as I was 9 months pregnant declining food and drink.  We hurried along and left for the funeral and stopped at starbucks for coffee's for John because starbucks is what calms him and he needed it.  I again declined something to drink but thankfully nothing was made a big deal.  We arrived at the funeral and everything was so peaceful and the weather was perfect even a gentle breeze in the military cememtery.  Loved ones were arriving and everyone that greeted me also teased, asked, or commented on how pregnant I was and how only two more days and she would be here.  I lied to everyone and agreed.  It was also in the sermon how Grandpa John was so excited to be meeting Kinley on the 20th and the pastor asked us about it and I quietly nodded my head.  The service was beautiful and a sweet signature of our lovely butterflies were all around.  Delanie and Grandpa were together he had finally got to hold her and I thought about them standing around us not alone holding eachother and grandpa taking the very best of care of her and I am sure spoiling her rotten.  It made me smile. After the service we said our goodbyes to each guest and thanked everyone for coming as it was a large supportive turn out.  He was so loved and so well respected and so very very much missed.  Earlier we had called my sister and her husband to pack my things and bring them to us since she knows everything we needed.  Jerry and Chloe came to the service as well with my bags tucked away secretly in his truck.  We told them we had not told anyone yet and to meet us at John's parents house after the service and after we had told his mother privately.  On the way home we drove and talked about how the service was.  John sighed....he told his mother that today would be the day Kinley would arrive in the world.  I told her I was sorry but she was not sad she was happy and was shocked but ready to meet Kinley as well.  We talked to whole way home and made plans for her and Dustin and called family to let them know Kinley was coming.  We dropped Dustin and Sharon off at the house and then set off for the hospital.  We talked about worries and happiness and the emotions seemed to switch back and forth fastly.  We arrived at the hospital and were quickly prepped and ready for surgery and then waited in holding for a long while since we had to be there early for my clotting labs to be drawn we had alot of time to kill after.  We waited and spent alot of precious time together.  John made me laugh we teased eachother and happiness started to sink in her light already starting to shine thru.  I kept thinking each time I looked at the clock we finally made it in just a short hour I would be holding my baby.  I would be holding a warm baby she would be crying she would be breathing air in her little lungs, she would be nursing family would be happy.  All these dreams I had would be coming true.   Four o'clock came around and we were wheeled nervously in the OR.  All my nurses were wonderful.  My doctor's were wonderful the mood of the whole room was calm and happy it was so much different.  My spinal was perfect and on the first try!  I thanked the doctor and kept repeating he was a sweet god!  We joked it was because his first name was also John.  My OB was there on time and she was sweet and encouraging me and happy for us.  The surgery started and I just waited and prayed please cry please cry I just needed to hear a cry a beautiful cry none of my children have ever cried I needed to hear a cry of a healthy baby.  After what seems like a hour but was really about 10 short minutes I finally heard the wail of my beautiful baby girl and the it's a girl screamed in the OR this was it this was the moment I had waited for.  I looked to my left at the little warmer waiting there and saw my baby girl they were cleaning her off and she was still crying and crying and it was beautiful music to my heart and ears.  Just then my wonderful friend and doctor a neonatologist Dr. Basaldu came in the OR to share the experiance and care for our little girl!!  It meant alot to me she had raced across town to be by our side and witness our sweet miracle baby.  During her first few moments of life I noticed she had grunted and being a nurse I picked up on it right away.  I kept telling them make her cry make her cry more I wanted her lungs to open up.  They weighed her and she was a beautiful 6 pounds 14 oz and 19 1/4 inches long.  She was stating well so they were going to attempt sending her to the newborn nursery but in my heart I knew she would not be there long as I kept hearing the signs of some distress in her grunting.  Dr. B brought her to me and put her skin to skin with me while they were closing and huddled closely over us and said a prayer her first prayer while I cried the entire time it meant alot to me.  After she was swaddled and I saw a beautiful moment shine her father holding her cradled in his arms a mask over his face but a smile shining thru that no one could hide.  He was rocking her back and forth.  I watched and remembered the moments I had seen him do that with our sweet Delanie.  Now he could smile and hold his warm baby and do the same with her.  They took her then to newborn nursery,  I instructed John to go and stay with her I was fine and was comfortable.  After I was closed I was taken back to my same holding area for recovery.  Family came back a few at a time  they had already got to see Kinley in the nursery and were all hyped and smiles and it was wonderful to see.  I was happy they got to see her because I knew in my heart she would not be there long I knew she was destined for NICU.  I asked the recovery nurse if they could please get me a room closer to the NICU because I knew she would be going there shortly.  A mother and a mother nurse knows... I also wanted to avoid the floor that we were on prior with Delanie as I was scared it would effect John.  We were told our room and then they informed us that the baby would be going to NICU....not shocked...I told everyone.  Before Kinley was taken to the NICU she was brought by recovery shortly for me to hold her and Dustin was also back there with John.  I got to show her to Dustin and he got to touch his sweet sister he was inlove I could see it in his eyes he was happy to finally have her too.  We held her for a couple moments then she was off to the NICU.   My recovery nurse was so nice that she said she would take me in the stretcher to see her in the NICU before going to my postpartum room to see that Kinley was settled.  We arrived to the NICU just after Kinley had so they were still admitting her.  I could see her stats were still good but she was still grunting pretty badly and I hoped she would transition out of it in about 4 hours as alot of time babies do especially c-section babies.  I know that from my experiance.  After visiting with her shortly we were wheeled to my room where I was told I needed to stay in bed at least 6 hours after surgery so that meant 6 hours without her? anyone that knows me knows I can't stay away from my babies.  I greeted family members and that kept me busy for a little while.  Then I started trying to will my legs to start moving because come hell or high water I was getting in a wheel chair shortly to see my baby.  I had already been gone from her for almost 2 hours and I was missing her greatly and needed her close even just to sit there.  I ended up talking the nurse into letting me go in a wheel chair I kept telling her it's night shift no one will know!  I couldn't stay away any longer or I was going to lose it.  After getting to the NICU Kinley was placed on high flow nasal canula.  I knew then she was not coming out to me.  She was still struggling even on the high flow but they hoped it would resolve thru the night.  This did not happen sadly the next morning Kinley was placed on CPAP because she got much worse.  Thru the next few days she stayed the same in distress and on high amounts of CPAP and still stating poorly at times.  We waited and I pumped and stayed close to her even just sitting staring at her made me feel better.  Days passed and I was ready to be discharged but couldn't leave her couldn't bare the thought.  Thankfully after discharge I was able to room in because I was so diligently pumping and caring for her making it to every feeding except her 3 am one to rest.  I was given a room in labor and delivery because for the holidays it was quiet and empty.  More days passed and I continued to care for her not caring for myself much at all barely eating and swelling horribly.  I could feel my blood pressure creeping up but ignored it.  I had to care for her.  Days passed and she was doing so much better.  She was switched to nasal canula and tolerating it much better.  Christmas Eve she was taken off oxygen completely and feeding was going well.  Christmas Eve I sadly left after her 9 pm feeding because I had a sweet little boy that still needed a Christmas morning.  I had to think of him as well.  I cried the whole time being torn.  We woke up at 6 the next morning and shared Christmas with our son and John's mother as we stayed at her house because I refused to go home without another baby.  I was not walking in that front door empty handed again.  John's parents house is closer to the hosptial so I could do feeds better as well.  After Christmas morning we left to go to her 9 am feeding.  We got a call from the hosptial scared to death I answered the phone.  It was Dr. Johnson her neonatologist I braced myself my heart sinking as I feared she went back on oxygen or had some turn for the worse since the last time I called about a hour before.  She then sweetly told us that our baby girl was almost ready to go home and to come up there and room in and then we could take her home in the morning!  Our Christmas miracle!  They said our room would be ready after 2 pm.  I was so happy!  We came back home to have lunch with Dustin and John went to our house to grab more cloths and stuff that we needed.  I started feeling really badly and took my BP it was 160/110.  I paged the oncall dr and she was worried I was throwing a clot.  I was instructed to go to the hospital ER to be evaluated.  I cried the whole time on the way there as John's mom drove.  John was going to meet us there and John's mom was going to then leave with Dustin and go back to her house.  I walked in the ER crying the whole time.  My EKG was off but it was stable they started running tests and I kept threatening to leave because it was so hard my baby girl was just two floors up waiting for me in her crib and I was going to be able to take her to a room and be with her and was stuck in the ER.  My BP kept going up and down.  They told me I would need a CT scan with contrast.  I cried more because that would mean I couldn't breastfeed for 24 hours.  It was horrible I kept thinking just when things were getting better this happened.  The doctor tried to help me get out before 3pm so I could get to her.  My scan came back fine and they think my BP was up due to stress and fatigue and I had not taken my thinners for a day and my nexium.  I was given a extra dose of thinners and my BP went down slightly.  I was discharged.  I ran to the NICU I needed to touch her I needed to hold her.  I ran in and rocked and rocked her it had never felt better.  We then got to take her to a room.  It was Christmas day and I had her in a room.  All that we had been thru and I didn't even care anymore.  I didn't care about Christmas I just cared about this little person in my arms.  I dressed her in Christmas outfits and tried to make a few memories for her to look back on.  John had to find somewhere to get us some food because everything was closed.  We finally found a ihop and he brought it back to the room it was the wrong order and had no syrup but I still didnt care I was still so happy to have her with me.  I spent the night pumping and dumping my precious milk and feeding her and loving her and being a little mommy to my sweet newborn.  The next morning we awoke early and Dr. Johnson came in and told us to go home!  We were so excited I think we were out of there in about 20 minutes dressed and ready!  We were leaving!  We were leaving to take our alive breathing warm baby girl home!  On the way home I nervously felt like everyone was trying to secretly hit our car.  I know every nervous parent goes thru that.  Once we drove up we were greeted by a beautiful sign welcoming our baby girl home that my nieces made by hand themselves.  I was wonderful!  My house was fully decorated and cleaned by my sister and brother in law and their children!  Finally things were starting to fall in place and happiness was taking over.  We arrived in the house and finally I started to relax.  We waited for John's mother to get there with Dustin and John's grandmother.  Our family would soon all be together under one roof!  Finally Dustin got there and he was totally inlove with his sister and we all shared some time together.  Our little Kinley Raye finally here finally in our arms finally healthy.  Light shining bright.

I will add NICU pictures on another post and put birth pictures below

enjoy our Kinley Raye!