Wednesday, March 27, 2013

My Newborn time

I know I have neglected this blog tons and got so behind that I didn't quite know how to write to catch up or go about it.  So I will label this my "newborn time" as now my baby is officially not a newborn but a infant since she is now 3 wonderful months old.  I can tell you that my path to this beautiful rainbow has been full of surprises and emotions and challenges.  Yes the emotions of my sweet Delanie have been there and heavy as she will never not once ever be forgotten.  When Kinley even came out I sucked in a short breath for a time because yes she looks so much like her sister.  When Kinley is sleeping she looks like her sleeping older sister Delanie.  I watch this wonderful little person grow and many of times wonder what her sister would have been like and what wonderful milestones she would have reached and how soon and how she would complete them.  Yes I think of this daily.  Kinley has brought so much light and happiness to my life.  Each day I feel like I won the lottery and that is not a over saying it.  I know there is the phrase once I get that baby I will never put her down.  Well that is me to in real life.  I really don't ever put her down, I don't stop watching her sleep and her chest rise and fall and listen to the air whistle softly in and out of her sweet body.  To me these things amaze me.  I lay my hand on her chest often and feel her heart beating against it.  I take all her cloths off and put her against my chest to feel her warmth.  I smell her constantly and rub my lips on her head.  I take nothing for granted and will never get enough of her closeness.  I know people may say that I spoil her but in my mind I just appreciate her I feel in my crazy mind she fought to be with us and chose us when I desperately needed her and I will spend every moment in my life thanking her for that.  I hold her so close as if she will disappear if I don't at times.  I love nursing her because yes we are that much closer.  Each thing in life I do compare to wondering how it would have been with her sister and I am sure as she grows that will not change.  In a way Delanie is living thru her I am seeing this little girl grow and though it is not my Delanie she is connected to her carrying her in this world.  She is my rainbow and when anyone thinks of her it is hard not to think of how she got here and that connects her to Delanie.  Everything about her brings me closer to her sister as well.  I will make sure she grows in life knowing her sister.  When I was little I was my mother's rainbow after she lost my brother Micah Ren stillborn as well I always knew of him and I would often think of him as I was the last child I always thought how sweet he was to give me his place in life.  I hope Kinley has the same respect for her sister.  Dustin talks about her as well and he is utterly in love with Kinley and he is always tending to her and loving her sweetly.  He can calm her and make her smile and now this week even get a slight giggle out of her.  She looks at him like he hung the moon at times and I have to say many times it takes my breath away.  I just can't say enough good things about her and what she has brought to our lives.  My husband my son everything in our lives have changed for the better with her near.  I also made a change with my husbands support to switch to a pool position at work where I would only work one shift every 4 weeks or as needed.  That is basically for me to socialize every now and then!  Course I have not worked one day yet and not sure if I will be able to but we will cross that bridge when I get there.  So I have loved my life living every waking and no waking moment for my children and husband.  There is no stress in leaving them and my husband makes sure of that thank goodness.  He understood the moment I prolly laid eyes on that baby that I would never leave her side for a long while.  All thru her hospital stay I never could leave her which is why I got so sick after because I could not sleep away from her even if for a few hours I would say I would sleep 4 hours but then wake up early to go back because I needed to be near her.  The true fact is I need her more then she needs me.  She feels me with everything good and everything bright after I have been in the dark for so very long.  So if people say you are spoiling her no I am not she is healing me she is spoiling me.  There is no spoiling when you can not get enough of your child's warmth, love, and sweet breaths against your skin.  Not when you have been thru everything that we have been thru.  Unless you have walked in our shoes you can never know the feelings we have been thru and will go thru for the rest of our lives.  My children and my husband so keep my heart beating and full of love.  Every night I am constantly counting my blessings thankful for each thing that could go wrong each day but doesn't.  I will try to write more everyday issues and update with pictures more often on our little journey of life.  Dustin is getting so big and of course Kinley daily.  I am growing in my journey as well as John and we are still pittering on our path just doing the best we can with one step at a time.  Thats the best you can do in life when you run or take to much at one time you are likely to fall.  We are pittering along!

Kinley Raye =)

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