Holding on tight...

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Life is a current

Seems like when you have rough waters ahead life has a way of speeding up the current to keep you busy to get you thru hard times with more ease. That is what it was like for John's dad death we were so busy we really didn't have time to stop and soak in the moment that he was actually gone. Life's current kept us alive, it kept us ever moving on to the new moments and chapters in life. This weekend we had taken Kinley to the doctor's on Friday and they had diagnosed her with a ear infection but really just fluid in the ear. We started her on amoxicillin Friday around 4pm. Woke up Saturday morning to a very allergic hive covered baby. But nonetheless she was very happy and didn't suspect anything was wrong. She woke up her normal babbly self. So we called the doctor and talked and decided to keep her antibiotic free for at least 48 hours since she had never ran a fever and the ears never seemed to bother her either. So the start of our day! We fed Dustin breakfast and my mom was here Kinley of course got her's as well. John and I both wanted a couple moments together so we went out to breakfast and granny stayed with the kids. We both were at a loss how do you begin to celebrate or not celebrate your lost child's birth? Really all we wanted was to be with eachother so that is what we did. We went to the store and got things to cook all meals at home so that we wouldn't have to leave again. We got home and just spent the day doing average stuff but all together. I silently watched my little family play on the floor and kept imagining a little two year old sneak up on her daddy from behind on the floor and tackle him. I know she would be the silent fiesty type, maybe with strawberry blonde curls and fiery blue eyes. I wished she would be there to make the whole day more clearer on what exactly was supposed to happen. It's so easy to throw your child a birthday party when they are here but there is no handbook on what you do when they are gone? Sunday came and Kinley's rash got much better we again stayed close but no real plans we just wanted to be together. Monday morning we were back to the doctor where we both decided no antibiotics for Kinley because really it was fluid trapped and hopefully it would start to clear up on it's own and we would watch for signs of infection. We bought a head band to help keep the water out of her ears since she likes to splish and splash in the bath tub. She really is a water baby. The week slowly went on and the allergins got higher and since I was not on my allergy meds due to breastfeeding you can imagine this Thursday I am in a sinus attack and sick praying it is just allergies because I am having severe issues on being scared Kinley will get sick. To other people they might brush it off. To me I picture any cold giving her RSV and her slipping away from us. To someone that has had the worst case senerio happen this is what runs thru my head which sends me into full anxiety attacks. I know this is something I slowly have to deal with and with time I will get stronger and more faith and I will trust that Kinley will get stronger each day to fight what comes her way. Yes logically I can talk myself down. But everything is still over running in my head that something will take her away from us. I constantly need to touch her to feel her and yes is may seem to others that I may be spoiling her but really I am not soothing her, she is soothing me. She is breathing on me to let me know she can. I feel her warmth cause it's there and I smell her because she is so sweet and I just breathe the moment in. Really makes you think not to judge others in their parenting because you never know what that mother or family has been thru. And yes I am very guilty in this thinking my way of raising a child is the way to go! But each child is different and with each child the mother evolves into something else something new that is only meant for that child. Each child making her grow and change into a new person, more educated, more peaceful, more logical and maybe just maybe learning to take things as the come and know that life is ever changing and there is really nothing we can do about it. All we can do is enjoy this day and pray for the next. Each night I do this. I pray for our next day I pray in thanks for all the things that could have gone wrong but didn't. I pray for all the unknown blessings that slipped into my day without me knowing.

Friday, April 5, 2013

April 5th...

The counting never ceases to amaze me how it seems to continue even though you think you have gotten passed that in your life you never really truly do. Tonight I am counting again. Two years ago I would be sitting in bed tonight telling John I was crazy but I felt something was wrong. But all the signs where there that she was okay and healthy. She even had the hiccups that night but I told John I thought they felt different. She was moving so not much to alarm there. I kept checking her heart tones that evening with the doppler because I just felt like something was wrong. Her heartbeat was fine and a beautiful sound to hear. I kept reassuring myself that I had way to much time on my hands and that strict bedrest had finally caused me to lose my mind. I went to sleep that night saying in my head if I still feel this way tomorrow morning I will just go in to be safe. That morning I awoke to a still baby..there was no breakfast demands like usual. She was silently sleeping, she was gone. She silently slipped away in the night right inside of me and I didn't even know it happened. What time was it? What happened? What did she think and did she know how much I loved her and how much I needed her? All I was left with was emptiness and questions and pain. I miss her spirited little self I love her so dearly. How much time has changed but some feelings never seem to. I remember myself this night last year. I was in bed in the dark and didn't want to be near anyone in this world. I missed her my heart ached with all it's might and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain. I felt even more empty and that the universe had to have hated me as I had started my period again...another sign that I was even more empty and there was no baby growing inside me and I was wondering if I would ever have the chance to love again to be a new mother again and to give my family another member to love. I was at such a low point. If I only had known there was light around the bend and that about 21 more days from that point I would get the surprise of my rainbow on the horizon. A new journey beginning a gift from her sister. Yes Kinley Raye has brought light thru the darkness and my arms are holding tight to her tonight but yes I still ache for my sweet first born daughter to be in my arms again. Forever missing you my love.

Please no sharing or copying

Friday, March 29, 2013

Good Friday

Kinley's first good Friday! Dustin was happy to be off school and had a great day by getting to do his favorite things in life! Stay in his pj's and play games and have a movie day! I have been exhausted with my little Kbug so I was happy to join him in a full on PJ day! I did dress Kinley in a little Easter onesie today and snap a few pictures. I made Dustin all the meals he wanted today soup and sandwiches for lunch and I made homemade bacon, cheese and chicken hot pockets for dinner! I have really been getting into cooking lately and trying to be a better momma and little wife! I just wish I had about 80 hours more sleep to do that! It's been one of those weeks where the house is a little dirtier then usual but kids are happy and mommy is exhausted but in utter paradise! Kinley has been gassy and spitting up this past couple days. I think it is my over active let down while breastfeeding. She is strictly breastfed so no formula woes there. Hoping it starts to ease up and we get back to normal nursing soon I really think it was just a growth spurt and now she has to adjust to the new flow of things. Right now I should be sleeping and catching up on dreams but my head is full of things and I need to unwind. I am just listening to the still of the house right now and enjoying it except for the barking shiz-su two house's down. Dustin is snuggled in his bed with his fifty stuffed animals and blankets layed all just right and a kiss from momma on his forehead and Kinley is snuggled up in her bassinet beside me snoozing away. She will more then likely stay asleep either until 1am or sometimes she will sleep until 3am for a feeding then back to sleep until 6am then back to sleep sometimes until 8am. Which is nice! I look at her laying beside me and just watching her sleep I miss her even though I am exhausted I miss her...At this point in the night I am staring at her and saying how I wish I could FFWD to her 3 am feeding to nurse and love her again. I will never mind getting up in the night to feed her because yes I miss her. But yes I miss sleep too I wish I could do both at the same time! I am excited about her first Easter John and I bought her the most precious dress that I am wanting to see her in so badly. I bought a polo for Dustin to match her as well and I want to see them together. I so am always thinking about my sweet Delanie daily wishing I could have bought her a dress to match her siblings. I know this is how it will be for the rest of my life always having that missing link there and wondering the what if's. I am so grateful Kinley is here but wishing I had all three of my children filling up my home and keeping me up even more at night. Delanie would have been turning two next week and I can't help but think of how much fun she would be right now picking up eggs and twirling in her dress and shoveling cookies and cupcakes in her mouth and getting a lolly pop stuck in her hair and driving me mad trying to keep her clean when all she would want to do is play in the dirt with her brother more then likely. I wish I was that busy mom even more then I am. I wish we were outnumbered LOL But I will take my blessings at least I had her at least she is my daughter my first born daughter. I will count my blessings and watch my children that I have with me grow but I will never forget that missing link and will always think of her daily.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

My heartbeats

This is what makes my heart beat

My Newborn time

I know I have neglected this blog tons and got so behind that I didn't quite know how to write to catch up or go about it. So I will label this my "newborn time" as now my baby is officially not a newborn but a infant since she is now 3 wonderful months old. I can tell you that my path to this beautiful rainbow has been full of surprises and emotions and challenges. Yes the emotions of my sweet Delanie have been there and heavy as she will never not once ever be forgotten. When Kinley even came out I sucked in a short breath for a time because yes she looks so much like her sister. When Kinley is sleeping she looks like her sleeping older sister Delanie. I watch this wonderful little person grow and many of times wonder what her sister would have been like and what wonderful milestones she would have reached and how soon and how she would complete them. Yes I think of this daily. Kinley has brought so much light and happiness to my life. Each day I feel like I won the lottery and that is not a over saying it. I know there is the phrase once I get that baby I will never put her down. Well that is me to in real life. I really don't ever put her down, I don't stop watching her sleep and her chest rise and fall and listen to the air whistle softly in and out of her sweet body. To me these things amaze me. I lay my hand on her chest often and feel her heart beating against it. I take all her cloths off and put her against my chest to feel her warmth. I smell her constantly and rub my lips on her head. I take nothing for granted and will never get enough of her closeness. I know people may say that I spoil her but in my mind I just appreciate her I feel in my crazy mind she fought to be with us and chose us when I desperately needed her and I will spend every moment in my life thanking her for that. I hold her so close as if she will disappear if I don't at times. I love nursing her because yes we are that much closer. Each thing in life I do compare to wondering how it would have been with her sister and I am sure as she grows that will not change. In a way Delanie is living thru her I am seeing this little girl grow and though it is not my Delanie she is connected to her carrying her in this world. She is my rainbow and when anyone thinks of her it is hard not to think of how she got here and that connects her to Delanie. Everything about her brings me closer to her sister as well. I will make sure she grows in life knowing her sister. When I was little I was my mother's rainbow after she lost my brother Micah Ren stillborn as well I always knew of him and I would often think of him as I was the last child I always thought how sweet he was to give me his place in life. I hope Kinley has the same respect for her sister. Dustin talks about her as well and he is utterly in love with Kinley and he is always tending to her and loving her sweetly. He can calm her and make her smile and now this week even get a slight giggle out of her. She looks at him like he hung the moon at times and I have to say many times it takes my breath away. I just can't say enough good things about her and what she has brought to our lives. My husband my son everything in our lives have changed for the better with her near. I also made a change with my husbands support to switch to a pool position at work where I would only work one shift every 4 weeks or as needed. That is basically for me to socialize every now and then! Course I have not worked one day yet and not sure if I will be able to but we will cross that bridge when I get there. So I have loved my life living every waking and no waking moment for my children and husband. There is no stress in leaving them and my husband makes sure of that thank goodness. He understood the moment I prolly laid eyes on that baby that I would never leave her side for a long while. All thru her hospital stay I never could leave her which is why I got so sick after because I could not sleep away from her even if for a few hours I would say I would sleep 4 hours but then wake up early to go back because I needed to be near her. The true fact is I need her more then she needs me. She feels me with everything good and everything bright after I have been in the dark for so very long. So if people say you are spoiling her no I am not she is healing me she is spoiling me. There is no spoiling when you can not get enough of your child's warmth, love, and sweet breaths against your skin. Not when you have been thru everything that we have been thru. Unless you have walked in our shoes you can never know the feelings we have been thru and will go thru for the rest of our lives. My children and my husband so keep my heart beating and full of love. Every night I am constantly counting my blessings thankful for each thing that could go wrong each day but doesn't. I will try to write more everyday issues and update with pictures more often on our little journey of life. Dustin is getting so big and of course Kinley daily. I am growing in my journey as well as John and we are still pittering on our path just doing the best we can with one step at a time. Thats the best you can do in life when you run or take to much at one time you are likely to fall. We are pittering along!

Kinley Raye =)