Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Just get over it

So as many of you know I run a local loss group this has been the subject of many of discussions here recently.  Family and friends just wondering when we will ever get over it...

We are soldiers that have been wounded greatly.  The flesh of our flesh the bone of our bone has left us forever.  If a solider had lost his left leg in battle you wouldn't expect him to just get up and deal with it and get over it.  You would expect him/her to be taken to a medical facility and the healing process begun, the wound would need to heal, they would need rehab to learn to walk again, to learn how to do everyday things again that they never would think would be hard for them, then there is the mental portion that they have a piece of their bodies forever missing and their life has been altered traumatically.  Not to mention the trauma of how and when it happened how it felt to have it removed from their bodies knowing that it would forever be gone.  You wouldn't tell that soldier to be thankful they still have the right leg,  you wouldn't tell them at least they are young and they can learn to walk with a "new" leg.  That leg they made will forever be missing the pain will forever be there.  Though they will learn to walk, smile, have a great time and sometimes yes love life and seemingly be on cloud 9.  They still miss that leg they are still reminded when they look down that there is emptiness. The memories are still there the pain, the trauma and yes over time that person gets stronger each day it doesn't make that their leg being gone is a okay thing.  You wouldn't say that to a soldier.  You wouldn't know what to say because you have never had your leg removed from your person.  You don't know what they are going thru.  So why would you say these things to a mother.  We have lost part of our souls, we have lost our flesh, blood, bone, sweat and tears and hopeful dreams.  We are PTSD sufferers and some of our stories would bring you to your knees in agony if you were to just be a fly on the wall for a bit of them.  But we slowly get up, we slowly get stronger and figure out how to live without that piece of us being there for us to see and touch and feel.  We learn to breath and walk again.  We learn to do things that we think are so common but forever changed and altered.  I never say we heal because we don't it hurts just as bad as the day they left us but I will say we get stronger each day.  We deal with the pain and manage it and live with it and become almost friends with it knowing when it will worsen and lessen.  We will smile again, we will live life and even love it again, we will enjoy our time here on earth and know how magical and special it really is.  We won't take things so for granted and will actually have a deeper perspective on life and what really matters.  But please you can't expect us to just get up and get over it.  It takes years for that soldier to start the path of living life with a piece of them gone, give us time and empathy and a shoulder if we ask for it.  Please don't try to speed us along as this isn't the correct way to learn anything in life.  Please be understanding and kind and respectful.  We don't expect you to have the answer, we know that's not on this earth.  We just expect you to love us and pray for us and hold our hands or listen to us when asked.  Let us know your there if needed and loss parents will let you know when they get strong enough.  You can let us know how sorry you are about our loss, you can let us know how much you love and care for us, you can help us with daily life things especially in the beginning, you can ask questions and talk about our children, you can ask us what we need from you directly.  All these things are okay.  The advice unless you are a loss parent, unless you are a trained professional on how we should or shouldn't grieve though is a insult and can put us a step further back in our paths.  You don't have to be scared to talk with us we know your scared we know you don't want to say the wrong thing and that's okay.  We know you can't possibly know what we are going thru and for that we are grateful because we don't want you or one more person to join our sister and brotherhood of loss.  Love unconditionally no matter our choices and understand that we are doing the best we can to learn to walk again.....

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