Monday, October 29, 2012

29+5 day high risk

So today was the high risk check up which I was eagerly waiting for because I wanted to make sure all these contractions are not effecting my cervix.  The appointment was good but long but I am great with that.  She is my now my heaviest baby!  She is 29+5 weeks and already 3 pounds 7 oz in weight!  She is doing great!  Her BPP was a 8/8 and everything looked great sono wise.  My cervix was still very very much funneled and moody but it was a nice length of 2.7 which is great it actually went up a bit!  I have been taking it extremely easy at home so it's paying off forsure.  My fluid was a 17 and I recieved another 17P injection like I do every Monday.  The NST was good it was a bit longer then expected just because she wanted a clear baseline and they are extra careful with me which is fine!  I love being in good hands and with people who actually CARE about us =)  Kinley was active and all else was well.  So we are on to week 30 hopefully!  Our next goal would be 32 weeks and that would be fabulous! 


Hi mom!

Her little face its hard to view cause her placenta is in front

Face with elbow always up!

Face and elbow


Another little profile

Thursday, October 25, 2012

29th week

I need to catch up because I forgot to write about Monday's high risk check up!  Baby was great scored a 8/8 for her BPP and my cervix was a 2.36 it was a 2.34 the week prior so not a whole lot of change we are still hanging low.  Her NST was great and she was reactive and jumping around showing off her skills trying to act like a full term girl.  The whole visit was fine as always there in my comfort zone aka Dr. Mcfarland's whole office.  I always feel that is my safe place and they can never do any wrong and I trust them more then anything so I am relaxed there =)  Her AFi was 17 so still beautiful there as well.  So she said just still stick with the bedrest and we will see her again every Monday until baby comes =)

OBGYN check up today (10/25)
My NST was not to my liking....She had one axcel and they only kept me on for about 20 minutes if that.  During that 20 minutes I contracted several times of what I thought I was having was round ligament pain mixed with gas but now I know opps those are contractions.  I have been feeling different for the past two days having a heavy feeling in my belly when I get up almost like I have a UTI and pulling sensation which led me to believe the round ligament pain was the culprit.  I have had tightness in the upper abd but I do when she stretches too because she is a super long baby I swear I could cough up her foot at anytime.  LOL  But this has all be ctx now but I have such a high pain tolerance I wouldn't call them painful but they were pretty up there on the NST today.  What surprised me is when I got to talk to the doctor and we started talking about the NST she was okay with it but I was not.  I was concerned about the one axcel but truely I don't think I was on enough to get a proper reading and Kinley was sleeping.  So she said we could do a BPP to see her scoring.  Then I was conecerned about the contractions being so close together and stronger then I thought they were and she said well some people just contract with no change and are fine we don't know if that may just be your case.  I get that but I am freaking out at this moment and starting not to think properly because I am thinking you are not fighting enough you don't want regrets Holly start fighting.  So I tell her I have a issue with that so she said we will check your cervical length to see the difference and if they are causing any change.  So I agree with the plan of care and go back to the waiting room to wait for their sono person to come get me.  Mean while I am freaking and call Cindy at Dr. Mcfarland's office because I need to hear her voice and tell her what is going on.  She tells me to calm down and talks to me for a bit and then tells me to finish there and let them do the full work up and we can go from there.  I hang up and feel better just needed that.  The sono lady that comes in is VERY nice and calls herself granny hazy (hazel is her name) and starts talking to Kinley as she is sonoing and Kinley is bouncing around going crazy and showing off skills she has never had before LOL she is grasping with her hands (fine motor skill) and breathing and plenty of movement (a little to much) and extremely healthy.  She scores a 8/8 extremely quickly on her BPP all is well and I am breathing better.  Granny Hazy then checks the cervix which is varying because I am also contracting so this takes a few minutes.  We get a reading of 2.1 which is not to bad just alot of action down there but not alot of damage and cerclage is nice and intact and we still have room before the crvix reaches there.  So basically we are waiting for bleeding or changes in mucus to say we are having cervical changes or worsening painful contractions before we are acting on anything.  I am at a loss because hoping I am doing everything right.  I am at home now laying flat and guzzling fluids like crazy still crampy and uncomfty.  I guess we are just having a preemie and that is just what is going to happen.  They changed my c-section date also because the doctor will not be in that day so our new date is December 20th but I personally think I will never make it to that goal.  We shall see only time can tell.  I just want to FFWD to Monday to see Dr. Mcfarland again and feel that ease and relaxing feeling and being totally taken care of.  Wish us luck....

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

62 more days

62 more days until my sweet baby is scheduled to come into this world.  Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see the future and know if everything turns out okay and we all walk away with the happiest of endings and then maybe I could rest assured and not stay awake at night wondering about the what if's and what I will wake up to each morning.  This isn't every day but I do feel as I get further along it might get worse.  Going to bed each night feeling her move inside me and knowing she is healthy I race to get up each morning and quickly do my bathroom routine and then lay back in bed and wait for my sweet girl to start moving again to know that thank god we have made it thru another day.  Sometimes I say she is the perfect rainbow baby to have though because I can feel movement all the time!  Usually before I even wake up she is starting to wiggle around.  So if there is a baby that is meant to be a rainbow baby it would be her.  God how losing a child can seem to pop your imaginary bubble of nieveness that you only read about all the bad things happening and you read all those poor mothers blogs and stare in awe and think oh my god that poor woman I am so glad that didn't happen to me or you believe it never will.  Then a couple months later that girl is you and people are reading about you in awe and disbelief.  I still have not read my blog.  People tell me how well written it is and so on but to me I feel as if I am babbling in circles at times and not really sure if it clues in or makes any sense at all.  But hey I guess that is my real mind and how it is working at the time.  The pregnancy brain now doesn't help sort thoughts.  I hardly ever write on here but mean to much more but laugh at myself from time to time because in my mind I am constantly writing out blogs sitting by myself in the room staring out my window.  I think about so much and ponder so much.  Time seems to move so slow on some days and then fast paced on others.  I worry about everything in life from normal everyday things all the way to the end of the world.  I guess they say its a mother's job to worry well I over achieve at that alot!  I just wish I could unwind and enjoy life more I wish I could breath a little easier.  I don't think people understand sometimes as you look there normal all the things that are really wondering around in this brain of mine and heart.  I worry all the time about anything and everything.  Even simple things I can't seem to sit back and relax about.  Dustin is so sweet and kisses my belly and loves on Kinley so much and talks to her.  In part of my mind I am wanting him to and then the other part I am wanting to protect him from another loss and wanting to build up a wall for him.  But that is not my Dustin he loves with his WHOLE heart and desperately wants a sibling.  He tells me all the time Mommy this baby is strong she will make it...right?  I have to tell him yes she is strong she has a 3 vessel cord Dustin and she is bigger then you even were.  Reassurance that is what my child needs and even if I need it myself from time to time I will always give it to him.  I will always try my best to provide him with any need he has rather emotional or material.  Time is ticking I wish it would just tick along a little faster....sometimes I sit in my room and wish there was a coma pill you could take to make you wake up the day of your delivery!  Whenever that will be!  That is so up in the air I never know if I will make it to the delivery date or if I will be having the baby in the morning who knows!  All I know is today she is with me and I have to be thankful for that and we will wait for tomorrow and then recount blessings and keep going from there each day.  That is all we can do.

Monday, October 15, 2012

27+5 wks high risk appt

Almost 28 weeks which is a beautiful thing it makes such a huge difference NICU experaince and length in stay.  So today I had my high risk appt. I have no idea why I like to cause so much trouble.  I was sitting in the waiting room just waiting after giving my urine sample and smelling some horrid smell from the person in there prior and then came back to wait with my friend Sylvia who had met me there for the appt.  I had been feeling a little short of breath when I was waiting for the stinky lady to leave the bathroom but brushed it off to the pollen counts for the day.  When I got back to Sylvia in the waiting room I started feeling light headed but brushed it off and kept talking.  Then I felt a hot and cold feeling and I couldn't breath well and felt like I could vomit and go to the bathroom all this at the same time!  By that time I had stopped talking and was looking off because my vision was disturbed and I felt like I was going to faint.  Sylvia saw my face and she said I was pale and went to get help.  The nurses came out and put me in a room in the back and gave me cold water and started taking vitals.  In the end my blood pressure had dropped for some reason but returned back to normal and after being there for almost 3 hours by the time I left I felt like myself and fine enough to go home.  It has not happened since so I think it was a fluke.  Baby measured wonderful at a nice 2 pounds 10 oz and was measuring great.  She had a grade 2 placenta and fluid was 17 cm.  One thing that did change for the worse was my cervix it was a 2.4 which is the lowest it has been this pregnancy but it's still stable and thinking we still have some time left.  Lord only knows how much.  We also had another 17p injection and then completed our NST and baby passed and she scored a 8/8 on her BPP so that is all good stuff.  She was stubborn on pictures today and kept her arms and hands in her face at all times so the sono tech just took the picture like that to show miss Kinley's stubborn side!  My sweet spirited girl.  Please stay strong my love. 

side of her face with her arm infront of it blocking our view...LOL silly girl

Friday, October 12, 2012

Sitting here

Looking around the room that is my little bubble and has been a time before.  The bed is different my room I rearranged after Delanie passed and I spent so much time in here holding her in loving her and patting my belly I needed it to be different.  The bed faces differently I look at the window now with this long pregnancy ahead of me again.  But thankful I am here thankful I have the chance to carry another sweet little girl with full hopes of taking her home.  And just praying these sore body parts and aches and pains pay off with a lifetime of happiness and sweet smiles.  I think of the window and the rays of light that come in every morning as I watch my morning shows or play on my daily facebook routine and I think of my daughter I am carrying and why we named her middle name Raye.  Its because of those rays of lights that give us hope of a new day that give us a chance to live each day.  She is our Raye of light thru a fierce storm of grief and loss.  Not that my sweet baby girl Delanie was anything to be sad about but the loss of her sweet face and spirit was.  She will never be forgotten and this little sister does not erase the grief but gives me light to shine thru it on the worst of days.  I know I will get a chance to be with Delanie and hopefully a second life at raising her in heaven when all my work here is said and done on earth.  That at least would be my idea of heaven.  Rocking her to sleep and changing her diapers and teaching her about the world no matter which one it is.  I hope that is what god has planned for me later much later in life.  She is my first born sweet little daughter and I am sure she will have a part in our lives daily even if we don't know it.  I pray to her just like I do to god each night.  I ask her to please keep her brother and sister in her prayers to keep them both safe and watch over them. 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Strong enough...

Sometimes I don't know if I am strong enough to get thru one day to the next.  I haven't been true to myself and my fellow loss mothers on here and posting what I really feel from day to day life and random feelings and fears and the true feelings of a pregnancy after loss and all the emotions and effects it has on a person.  Why because I am in constant fear of keeping everyone safe and I am constantly reassuring family members and friends of this pregnancy when I am the one half the time that needs the strength and reassuring.  I am constantly finding myself trying to prove that this baby is safe that she will live that this will be our take home baby.  The fact is that still birth happens for so many reasons and there is no 100% that it won't happen again and I know that and I know that the risk is worth taking worth dieing for worth anything we went thru in the past.  I don't regret Delanie and even if god as I have said in the past came to me and told me the end result I would have chose her and the ending.  I should have shared her maybe after she was born so that everyone could have seen just how perfect she was and is and that nothing bad could come from that little person and her little sweet face.  Just know that I am dealing with this and when you say you can't handle this again you may have went thru it and I know it hurt you but know that I am her mother and I went thru it daily and I faced the challenge of her pregnancy and birth and the after math of losing her first hand and that I know pain is pain but I can not handle comforting others all the time when sometimes I am the person that needs comfort and reassurance.  I am doing bed rest again and suffering thru the aches and pains and sadness that comes with it knowing that it will be for something even if its not the result I am praying and hoping for.  What it is what I go thru everyday is giving this little spirit a chance to glow and love and hopefully one day lay in my arms warm and bring home to my family.  I am not perfect and some days I am strong enough but others I am not.  And please please allow me that without thinking oh my god we have to do something Holly is depressed or lord she won't hurt herself will she?  I have no idea what goes thru people's minds.  But know I am not depressed I am a mother in mourning and will forever be that way and to top it off I am pregnant and feeling as if I am always holding the strings to life for my child and in constant prayer for her safety.  From now on what you read here is going to be from my heart and what others may need to hear for their venture down this long path of pregnancy after loss and know it may not be what you want to hear or learn but its something that I need to start writing.  I refrain from writing so much because I am painting this blog a rosey picture when really it has its rosey moments but it has to rain somedays. 

27 weeks!

We are doing wonderful and hoping to make it to our first "big" goal 28 weeks gestation when you are in a whole different ball game as far as NICU wise.  This is really starting to get exciting!  If I can hold on 10 more weeks it will be her scheduled c-section date!  That is 10 more weekends, 10 more Fridays, 10 of each and every day!  When you put it that way it doesn't seem near as long.  So my appointment yesterday at the fabulous high risk doctor that I don't think I could live without in our lives!  The appointment went great my cervix was a nice 3.4 cm which is great bed rest has gotten us some length and we hope to keep it the only this is it was more dinamic and funneling and open so we need to still be very careful.  They did the sono and did a BPP and she scored a 8/8 health wise and she was practicing breathing already which is a wonderful sight to see for a mother like myself.  They will weigh her again next week.  I had my glucose test and 17 p injection and routine blood work that I get every so often because of my MTHFR mutation and me being on lovenox injections daily.  I will prolly have results to those tests tomorrow early afternoon is when she usually calls me back.  I was also placed on the NST monitor to see how baby was over a period of time and I must say she was a show off letting us know how healthy she is and that she is hopefully here to stay with us forever.  Everyone was very impressed by how reactive her strip was and that she stayed on the monitor like a good girl.  Of course with mommy's help!  I was feeling really bad yesterday when I woke up and having upper gastric pain and just plain feeling bad tummy wise.  When I got to the office it was still going on and the glucose test did not help taking in 50grams of sugar when I don't even drink soda sucked!  I had mentioned it to my doctor and she wanted to dip my urine for protien which it was just a trace.  My BP has been slightly elevated but like 130/80's which is still not bad.  But with a couple of these things happening we will be watching it more closely as the headaches, upper gastric pain and BP up but hopefully not trending up can be precursors for HELLP syndrome or pre=eclampcia like when I had to give early birth to Dustin and did not do well myself.  But now I am educated and well on top of things and not planning to take any chances.  So I will just keep up with the bed rest, drink plenty of fluids, and try to keep stressful things out of my life.  I think a HUGE portion of stress is work and feeling guilty for leaving them again.  Also my short term disability has not happened as easy as it was last time and we still have no received any payments!  Luckily my husband works his job plus side jobs.  But still we pay for the service all year long and I would love to use it.  Hopefully it all works out soon because I also owe about 700 bucks to our insurance company for premiums that need to come out of those I know once it all gets done and taken care of it will feel nice and I can relax.  I know I need to take another belly shot and I will soon the thing is since I don't get out anywhere I mostly stick to pj's!  So when I get dressed again I will take pictures!  I think with this baby I am the largest maybe cause they were so close together?  With Delanie I actually think I was the smallest even counting Dustin's quick pregnancy.  Who knows I look at my body from a whole different view then others!  She moves the hardest out of all my babies as well.  She gets very violent at times and I am thinking she has anger management issues already.  Maybe another redhead? 

Her little feet

Her little face looking up towards my placenta

Kissing her placenta   

Monday, October 1, 2012

High risk check up

So today was another of my high risk check ups which I was really nervous about because all the contractions last week I was hoping didn't do to much damage on my cervix to cause shortening.  I followed doctor's orders perfectly this week and tried not to sit up more then 30 minutes per day and lay down 90% of the time and take quick showers.  My mother has been here to help and bring me drinks and food and such and family members will stop by and bring us lunch from time to time as well.  John spent the weekend trying to fatten baby girl up with protiens.  I was not feeling well all weekend due to allergies but feel better today thank goodness!  I have still had a couple contractions every now and then but nothing in a pattern and not to many close together so we are safe in that way.  Today when I went to lay down for the sonogram I had a strong contraction and had to wait for it to stop before I could do much or think of to much.  They caught the contraction right at the end during the sono and I think that is why it was a little shorter then expected.  It was around 2 when they first measured then after the contraction eased it was a 2.8.  Last weeks measurements it was a 3.5 without contraction and 2 something with contraction.  So we have gone down but are still stable and we still have room before it gets to the cerclage.  So I was able to go home today YAY!  No readmission thank goodness.  She did tell me that I could sit up more and walk to the kitchen to get a drink or snack then lay back down so alittle more room to move.  Baby Kinley was awesome and weighed in at 2 pounds even.  She was moving around and placenta and blood flow looked good and fluid level was a 16!  More then likely because I have been drinking like a FISH!  I in NO way want contractions back!  LOL  I got a few pictures of her to share she keeps her hands in her face so hard to get really good face shots!  She is ready for fighting!  Just so worried about her and so many emotions lately.  Just got to keep positive and keep going!  More to write later but wanted to fill everyone in on the doctor's appt! 

Kind of a weird motion shot LOL

arms are always by her face LMAO

Hi mom!  Either that or she is saluting us!  Hey we support our troops!