Wednesday, October 17, 2012

62 more days

62 more days until my sweet baby is scheduled to come into this world.  Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see the future and know if everything turns out okay and we all walk away with the happiest of endings and then maybe I could rest assured and not stay awake at night wondering about the what if's and what I will wake up to each morning.  This isn't every day but I do feel as I get further along it might get worse.  Going to bed each night feeling her move inside me and knowing she is healthy I race to get up each morning and quickly do my bathroom routine and then lay back in bed and wait for my sweet girl to start moving again to know that thank god we have made it thru another day.  Sometimes I say she is the perfect rainbow baby to have though because I can feel movement all the time!  Usually before I even wake up she is starting to wiggle around.  So if there is a baby that is meant to be a rainbow baby it would be her.  God how losing a child can seem to pop your imaginary bubble of nieveness that you only read about all the bad things happening and you read all those poor mothers blogs and stare in awe and think oh my god that poor woman I am so glad that didn't happen to me or you believe it never will.  Then a couple months later that girl is you and people are reading about you in awe and disbelief.  I still have not read my blog.  People tell me how well written it is and so on but to me I feel as if I am babbling in circles at times and not really sure if it clues in or makes any sense at all.  But hey I guess that is my real mind and how it is working at the time.  The pregnancy brain now doesn't help sort thoughts.  I hardly ever write on here but mean to much more but laugh at myself from time to time because in my mind I am constantly writing out blogs sitting by myself in the room staring out my window.  I think about so much and ponder so much.  Time seems to move so slow on some days and then fast paced on others.  I worry about everything in life from normal everyday things all the way to the end of the world.  I guess they say its a mother's job to worry well I over achieve at that alot!  I just wish I could unwind and enjoy life more I wish I could breath a little easier.  I don't think people understand sometimes as you look there normal all the things that are really wondering around in this brain of mine and heart.  I worry all the time about anything and everything.  Even simple things I can't seem to sit back and relax about.  Dustin is so sweet and kisses my belly and loves on Kinley so much and talks to her.  In part of my mind I am wanting him to and then the other part I am wanting to protect him from another loss and wanting to build up a wall for him.  But that is not my Dustin he loves with his WHOLE heart and desperately wants a sibling.  He tells me all the time Mommy this baby is strong she will make it...right?  I have to tell him yes she is strong she has a 3 vessel cord Dustin and she is bigger then you even were.  Reassurance that is what my child needs and even if I need it myself from time to time I will always give it to him.  I will always try my best to provide him with any need he has rather emotional or material.  Time is ticking I wish it would just tick along a little faster....sometimes I sit in my room and wish there was a coma pill you could take to make you wake up the day of your delivery!  Whenever that will be!  That is so up in the air I never know if I will make it to the delivery date or if I will be having the baby in the morning who knows!  All I know is today she is with me and I have to be thankful for that and we will wait for tomorrow and then recount blessings and keep going from there each day.  That is all we can do.

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