Strong enough...

Sometimes I don't know if I am strong enough to get thru one day to the next.  I haven't been true to myself and my fellow loss mothers on here and posting what I really feel from day to day life and random feelings and fears and the true feelings of a pregnancy after loss and all the emotions and effects it has on a person.  Why because I am in constant fear of keeping everyone safe and I am constantly reassuring family members and friends of this pregnancy when I am the one half the time that needs the strength and reassuring.  I am constantly finding myself trying to prove that this baby is safe that she will live that this will be our take home baby.  The fact is that still birth happens for so many reasons and there is no 100% that it won't happen again and I know that and I know that the risk is worth taking worth dieing for worth anything we went thru in the past.  I don't regret Delanie and even if god as I have said in the past came to me and told me the end result I would have chose her and the ending.  I should have shared her maybe after she was born so that everyone could have seen just how perfect she was and is and that nothing bad could come from that little person and her little sweet face.  Just know that I am dealing with this and when you say you can't handle this again you may have went thru it and I know it hurt you but know that I am her mother and I went thru it daily and I faced the challenge of her pregnancy and birth and the after math of losing her first hand and that I know pain is pain but I can not handle comforting others all the time when sometimes I am the person that needs comfort and reassurance.  I am doing bed rest again and suffering thru the aches and pains and sadness that comes with it knowing that it will be for something even if its not the result I am praying and hoping for.  What it is what I go thru everyday is giving this little spirit a chance to glow and love and hopefully one day lay in my arms warm and bring home to my family.  I am not perfect and some days I am strong enough but others I am not.  And please please allow me that without thinking oh my god we have to do something Holly is depressed or lord she won't hurt herself will she?  I have no idea what goes thru people's minds.  But know I am not depressed I am a mother in mourning and will forever be that way and to top it off I am pregnant and feeling as if I am always holding the strings to life for my child and in constant prayer for her safety.  From now on what you read here is going to be from my heart and what others may need to hear for their venture down this long path of pregnancy after loss and know it may not be what you want to hear or learn but its something that I need to start writing.  I refrain from writing so much because I am painting this blog a rosey picture when really it has its rosey moments but it has to rain somedays.