Saturday, February 23, 2013

A Raye of light thru the darkness

True to her middle name Kinley Raye shines thru every darkness when you least expect it.  She proved that the day she arrived brightly in this world.  I will try to remember as much detail as possible as she is already two months old and has kept me holding and loving her every possible moment of the days that have passed that I have not had much free time to sit relax and even ponder the day she brought so much light to us.  As I last wrote John's beloved father and my children's beloved grandfather left our lives suddenly.  We were trying to lay him to rest before Kinley was to make her appearance on the 20th.  I had my last high risk check up on Monday the 17th and she had told me at the appointment all was well and that we were okay for Thursday to do the c-section as scheduled at 37+1 days gestation.  Which worked great because that would mean Tuesday I could go to the funeral to say goodbye and get last minute things done and to give her poor father time to mourn his father and also nurse a horrible case of the flu.  Yes John the Saturday before tested positive for the flu things were definately raining on us.  My beautiful long time dog passed away, John's father passed away and then John came down with the flu just days before his daughter was scheduled to enter the world.  We did what we could and I slept on the couch and John was locked in our room with tamiflu and all.  We tried very hard to keep it contained.  By Tuesday John was much better and the doctor told us he would no longer be contagious by Monday night thanks to the tamiflu.  Tuesday morning we both got up early to get ready to lay his father to rest.  I had been extremely tired from taking care of John and Dustin and sleeping on the couch and trying to help as much as I could as after 36 weeks they told me I could be off bedrest.  So we quietly spent that morning rushing around the house not saying to much because we knew this day would be hard.  We got in the car and started to drive towards John's parent's house to pick up his mother and ride together as a family.  On the way to the house the phone was Dr. Mcfarland.  She informed us that she had been up most of the night thinking about us and that the baby's SD ratios were off enough to deliver that the baby was to be born today and they scheduled the c-section for 4pm and that we needed to be at the hospital by 12 noon to get my clotting labs drawn for surgery....shock....the funeral was at 9:45 I asked if I could go and she said yes but after to go to the hospital.  I hung up the phone and turned to my husband with mixed emotions part happy to meet my child that was moving around inside me at the exact moment, then sad because I knew he would not want her born on this day of mourning, scared because his recent illness and our delicate soon to be newborn.  So many emotions...then I turned to him and told him what the doctor said.  At first I could see the hurt on his face and shock and almost anger at a glance.  Then after a few moments of silence he held my hand and we were fine.  We both decided to not tell anyone at the funeral and not his mother until his father was mourned and respects were paid.  We did not want to make it about us and the baby coming this was his father's time.  This was one of the hardest things to do.  We picked up John's mom she had made us breakfast I had to decline which I know she thought was odd seeing as I was 9 months pregnant declining food and drink.  We hurried along and left for the funeral and stopped at starbucks for coffee's for John because starbucks is what calms him and he needed it.  I again declined something to drink but thankfully nothing was made a big deal.  We arrived at the funeral and everything was so peaceful and the weather was perfect even a gentle breeze in the military cememtery.  Loved ones were arriving and everyone that greeted me also teased, asked, or commented on how pregnant I was and how only two more days and she would be here.  I lied to everyone and agreed.  It was also in the sermon how Grandpa John was so excited to be meeting Kinley on the 20th and the pastor asked us about it and I quietly nodded my head.  The service was beautiful and a sweet signature of our lovely butterflies were all around.  Delanie and Grandpa were together he had finally got to hold her and I thought about them standing around us not alone holding eachother and grandpa taking the very best of care of her and I am sure spoiling her rotten.  It made me smile. After the service we said our goodbyes to each guest and thanked everyone for coming as it was a large supportive turn out.  He was so loved and so well respected and so very very much missed.  Earlier we had called my sister and her husband to pack my things and bring them to us since she knows everything we needed.  Jerry and Chloe came to the service as well with my bags tucked away secretly in his truck.  We told them we had not told anyone yet and to meet us at John's parents house after the service and after we had told his mother privately.  On the way home we drove and talked about how the service was.  John sighed....he told his mother that today would be the day Kinley would arrive in the world.  I told her I was sorry but she was not sad she was happy and was shocked but ready to meet Kinley as well.  We talked to whole way home and made plans for her and Dustin and called family to let them know Kinley was coming.  We dropped Dustin and Sharon off at the house and then set off for the hospital.  We talked about worries and happiness and the emotions seemed to switch back and forth fastly.  We arrived at the hospital and were quickly prepped and ready for surgery and then waited in holding for a long while since we had to be there early for my clotting labs to be drawn we had alot of time to kill after.  We waited and spent alot of precious time together.  John made me laugh we teased eachother and happiness started to sink in her light already starting to shine thru.  I kept thinking each time I looked at the clock we finally made it in just a short hour I would be holding my baby.  I would be holding a warm baby she would be crying she would be breathing air in her little lungs, she would be nursing family would be happy.  All these dreams I had would be coming true.   Four o'clock came around and we were wheeled nervously in the OR.  All my nurses were wonderful.  My doctor's were wonderful the mood of the whole room was calm and happy it was so much different.  My spinal was perfect and on the first try!  I thanked the doctor and kept repeating he was a sweet god!  We joked it was because his first name was also John.  My OB was there on time and she was sweet and encouraging me and happy for us.  The surgery started and I just waited and prayed please cry please cry I just needed to hear a cry a beautiful cry none of my children have ever cried I needed to hear a cry of a healthy baby.  After what seems like a hour but was really about 10 short minutes I finally heard the wail of my beautiful baby girl and the it's a girl screamed in the OR this was it this was the moment I had waited for.  I looked to my left at the little warmer waiting there and saw my baby girl they were cleaning her off and she was still crying and crying and it was beautiful music to my heart and ears.  Just then my wonderful friend and doctor a neonatologist Dr. Basaldu came in the OR to share the experiance and care for our little girl!!  It meant alot to me she had raced across town to be by our side and witness our sweet miracle baby.  During her first few moments of life I noticed she had grunted and being a nurse I picked up on it right away.  I kept telling them make her cry make her cry more I wanted her lungs to open up.  They weighed her and she was a beautiful 6 pounds 14 oz and 19 1/4 inches long.  She was stating well so they were going to attempt sending her to the newborn nursery but in my heart I knew she would not be there long as I kept hearing the signs of some distress in her grunting.  Dr. B brought her to me and put her skin to skin with me while they were closing and huddled closely over us and said a prayer her first prayer while I cried the entire time it meant alot to me.  After she was swaddled and I saw a beautiful moment shine her father holding her cradled in his arms a mask over his face but a smile shining thru that no one could hide.  He was rocking her back and forth.  I watched and remembered the moments I had seen him do that with our sweet Delanie.  Now he could smile and hold his warm baby and do the same with her.  They took her then to newborn nursery,  I instructed John to go and stay with her I was fine and was comfortable.  After I was closed I was taken back to my same holding area for recovery.  Family came back a few at a time  they had already got to see Kinley in the nursery and were all hyped and smiles and it was wonderful to see.  I was happy they got to see her because I knew in my heart she would not be there long I knew she was destined for NICU.  I asked the recovery nurse if they could please get me a room closer to the NICU because I knew she would be going there shortly.  A mother and a mother nurse knows... I also wanted to avoid the floor that we were on prior with Delanie as I was scared it would effect John.  We were told our room and then they informed us that the baby would be going to NICU....not shocked...I told everyone.  Before Kinley was taken to the NICU she was brought by recovery shortly for me to hold her and Dustin was also back there with John.  I got to show her to Dustin and he got to touch his sweet sister he was inlove I could see it in his eyes he was happy to finally have her too.  We held her for a couple moments then she was off to the NICU.   My recovery nurse was so nice that she said she would take me in the stretcher to see her in the NICU before going to my postpartum room to see that Kinley was settled.  We arrived to the NICU just after Kinley had so they were still admitting her.  I could see her stats were still good but she was still grunting pretty badly and I hoped she would transition out of it in about 4 hours as alot of time babies do especially c-section babies.  I know that from my experiance.  After visiting with her shortly we were wheeled to my room where I was told I needed to stay in bed at least 6 hours after surgery so that meant 6 hours without her? anyone that knows me knows I can't stay away from my babies.  I greeted family members and that kept me busy for a little while.  Then I started trying to will my legs to start moving because come hell or high water I was getting in a wheel chair shortly to see my baby.  I had already been gone from her for almost 2 hours and I was missing her greatly and needed her close even just to sit there.  I ended up talking the nurse into letting me go in a wheel chair I kept telling her it's night shift no one will know!  I couldn't stay away any longer or I was going to lose it.  After getting to the NICU Kinley was placed on high flow nasal canula.  I knew then she was not coming out to me.  She was still struggling even on the high flow but they hoped it would resolve thru the night.  This did not happen sadly the next morning Kinley was placed on CPAP because she got much worse.  Thru the next few days she stayed the same in distress and on high amounts of CPAP and still stating poorly at times.  We waited and I pumped and stayed close to her even just sitting staring at her made me feel better.  Days passed and I was ready to be discharged but couldn't leave her couldn't bare the thought.  Thankfully after discharge I was able to room in because I was so diligently pumping and caring for her making it to every feeding except her 3 am one to rest.  I was given a room in labor and delivery because for the holidays it was quiet and empty.  More days passed and I continued to care for her not caring for myself much at all barely eating and swelling horribly.  I could feel my blood pressure creeping up but ignored it.  I had to care for her.  Days passed and she was doing so much better.  She was switched to nasal canula and tolerating it much better.  Christmas Eve she was taken off oxygen completely and feeding was going well.  Christmas Eve I sadly left after her 9 pm feeding because I had a sweet little boy that still needed a Christmas morning.  I had to think of him as well.  I cried the whole time being torn.  We woke up at 6 the next morning and shared Christmas with our son and John's mother as we stayed at her house because I refused to go home without another baby.  I was not walking in that front door empty handed again.  John's parents house is closer to the hosptial so I could do feeds better as well.  After Christmas morning we left to go to her 9 am feeding.  We got a call from the hosptial scared to death I answered the phone.  It was Dr. Johnson her neonatologist I braced myself my heart sinking as I feared she went back on oxygen or had some turn for the worse since the last time I called about a hour before.  She then sweetly told us that our baby girl was almost ready to go home and to come up there and room in and then we could take her home in the morning!  Our Christmas miracle!  They said our room would be ready after 2 pm.  I was so happy!  We came back home to have lunch with Dustin and John went to our house to grab more cloths and stuff that we needed.  I started feeling really badly and took my BP it was 160/110.  I paged the oncall dr and she was worried I was throwing a clot.  I was instructed to go to the hospital ER to be evaluated.  I cried the whole time on the way there as John's mom drove.  John was going to meet us there and John's mom was going to then leave with Dustin and go back to her house.  I walked in the ER crying the whole time.  My EKG was off but it was stable they started running tests and I kept threatening to leave because it was so hard my baby girl was just two floors up waiting for me in her crib and I was going to be able to take her to a room and be with her and was stuck in the ER.  My BP kept going up and down.  They told me I would need a CT scan with contrast.  I cried more because that would mean I couldn't breastfeed for 24 hours.  It was horrible I kept thinking just when things were getting better this happened.  The doctor tried to help me get out before 3pm so I could get to her.  My scan came back fine and they think my BP was up due to stress and fatigue and I had not taken my thinners for a day and my nexium.  I was given a extra dose of thinners and my BP went down slightly.  I was discharged.  I ran to the NICU I needed to touch her I needed to hold her.  I ran in and rocked and rocked her it had never felt better.  We then got to take her to a room.  It was Christmas day and I had her in a room.  All that we had been thru and I didn't even care anymore.  I didn't care about Christmas I just cared about this little person in my arms.  I dressed her in Christmas outfits and tried to make a few memories for her to look back on.  John had to find somewhere to get us some food because everything was closed.  We finally found a ihop and he brought it back to the room it was the wrong order and had no syrup but I still didnt care I was still so happy to have her with me.  I spent the night pumping and dumping my precious milk and feeding her and loving her and being a little mommy to my sweet newborn.  The next morning we awoke early and Dr. Johnson came in and told us to go home!  We were so excited I think we were out of there in about 20 minutes dressed and ready!  We were leaving!  We were leaving to take our alive breathing warm baby girl home!  On the way home I nervously felt like everyone was trying to secretly hit our car.  I know every nervous parent goes thru that.  Once we drove up we were greeted by a beautiful sign welcoming our baby girl home that my nieces made by hand themselves.  I was wonderful!  My house was fully decorated and cleaned by my sister and brother in law and their children!  Finally things were starting to fall in place and happiness was taking over.  We arrived in the house and finally I started to relax.  We waited for John's mother to get there with Dustin and John's grandmother.  Our family would soon all be together under one roof!  Finally Dustin got there and he was totally inlove with his sister and we all shared some time together.  Our little Kinley Raye finally here finally in our arms finally healthy.  Light shining bright.

I will add NICU pictures on another post and put birth pictures below

enjoy our Kinley Raye!