Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Just get over it

So as many of you know I run a local loss group this has been the subject of many of discussions here recently.  Family and friends just wondering when we will ever get over it...

We are soldiers that have been wounded greatly.  The flesh of our flesh the bone of our bone has left us forever.  If a solider had lost his left leg in battle you wouldn't expect him to just get up and deal with it and get over it.  You would expect him/her to be taken to a medical facility and the healing process begun, the wound would need to heal, they would need rehab to learn to walk again, to learn how to do everyday things again that they never would think would be hard for them, then there is the mental portion that they have a piece of their bodies forever missing and their life has been altered traumatically.  Not to mention the trauma of how and when it happened how it felt to have it removed from their bodies knowing that it would forever be gone.  You wouldn't tell that soldier to be thankful they still have the right leg,  you wouldn't tell them at least they are young and they can learn to walk with a "new" leg.  That leg they made will forever be missing the pain will forever be there.  Though they will learn to walk, smile, have a great time and sometimes yes love life and seemingly be on cloud 9.  They still miss that leg they are still reminded when they look down that there is emptiness. The memories are still there the pain, the trauma and yes over time that person gets stronger each day it doesn't make that their leg being gone is a okay thing.  You wouldn't say that to a soldier.  You wouldn't know what to say because you have never had your leg removed from your person.  You don't know what they are going thru.  So why would you say these things to a mother.  We have lost part of our souls, we have lost our flesh, blood, bone, sweat and tears and hopeful dreams.  We are PTSD sufferers and some of our stories would bring you to your knees in agony if you were to just be a fly on the wall for a bit of them.  But we slowly get up, we slowly get stronger and figure out how to live without that piece of us being there for us to see and touch and feel.  We learn to breath and walk again.  We learn to do things that we think are so common but forever changed and altered.  I never say we heal because we don't it hurts just as bad as the day they left us but I will say we get stronger each day.  We deal with the pain and manage it and live with it and become almost friends with it knowing when it will worsen and lessen.  We will smile again, we will live life and even love it again, we will enjoy our time here on earth and know how magical and special it really is.  We won't take things so for granted and will actually have a deeper perspective on life and what really matters.  But please you can't expect us to just get up and get over it.  It takes years for that soldier to start the path of living life with a piece of them gone, give us time and empathy and a shoulder if we ask for it.  Please don't try to speed us along as this isn't the correct way to learn anything in life.  Please be understanding and kind and respectful.  We don't expect you to have the answer, we know that's not on this earth.  We just expect you to love us and pray for us and hold our hands or listen to us when asked.  Let us know your there if needed and loss parents will let you know when they get strong enough.  You can let us know how sorry you are about our loss, you can let us know how much you love and care for us, you can help us with daily life things especially in the beginning, you can ask questions and talk about our children, you can ask us what we need from you directly.  All these things are okay.  The advice unless you are a loss parent, unless you are a trained professional on how we should or shouldn't grieve though is a insult and can put us a step further back in our paths.  You don't have to be scared to talk with us we know your scared we know you don't want to say the wrong thing and that's okay.  We know you can't possibly know what we are going thru and for that we are grateful because we don't want you or one more person to join our sister and brotherhood of loss.  Love unconditionally no matter our choices and understand that we are doing the best we can to learn to walk again.....

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Worst night ever....

I think this will forever be the night I dread, this night brings the most hurt and sorrow for me and still 5 years later I never know how to deal with it.  Do I want to be alone?  Do I want people here?  The answer is usually alone.  Tonight alone it is.  My grammar might not be perfect in this post as it never is when emotions are flying over the keyboard keys.  This night 5 years ago my first born daughter was still inside me.  She was alive and right about now I was checking her heart tones because I felt off.  She had hiccups down low which I thought was odd.  It was a feeling I can't describe like she was far away.  They had a odd echoed feeling to them.  I remember talking it over with John and we discussed if we should go to labor and delivery to get checked out.  Then I pictured me walking in and telling the nurse "Oh my baby has weird hiccups and I just feel off", I knew they would more then likely roll their eyes at me and laugh about me all night.  I came up with excuses to put my mind at ease and they all made sense.  I was farther along and I could have just been dropping like people  normally do around 32-36 weeks.  Yep that makes sense.  I went to sleep telling myself I would get up first thing in the morning and go to the doctor to put myself at ease.  That night I said a prayer a weird prayer I know now.  I prayed to my brother Micah and to god that if something were to happen to this baby let her come out before it happened so that I could save her.  By the morning when I woke up I knew she had left me.  She was gone I couldn't wake her up and in my heart I knew why.  I have written this story I think every year more in depth other years then some.  Tonight I don't have the energy to go over every detail as I am doing it in my mind constantly this evening.  Grief never gets easier over time it just grows on you and you become accustomed to it.  Like a auto immune disease.  You always know you have it and it always bothers you.  Its bad when it flares but then goes into remission from time to time so that you can go thru every day life and smile, laugh and live as some "normal" people think.  Its incurable, it flares when it wants to and you have no power over it accept to learn how to ease it with practices you have learned over time.  I look at people all the time sometimes sitting in restaurants, coffee houses, parks and playdates.  I look at them and think of what they are or may be carrying with them.  You look at them and they appear normal, solid, and even happy.  You look at me and think the same things.  But little do you know I carry grief with me every day I fight the flare ups and try to keep it in remission but looking at me you can't tell the wiser.  Grief has taught me to be kind to others because you truly don't know what beasts they are silently battling even if they are smiling and laughing you don't know the measure of strength they are pulling thru to do those simple tasks.  Her lessons in life will be never ending.  I just simply miss her tonight. I simply want to hear her heartbeat again loudly thumping away and judging how proud and strong she is.  I want to giggle over her red little locks of hair and kiss her sweet face and chubby cheeks.  I want to sniff her sweet skin again.  I want to feel her warm against my face again.  I want to watch her daddy proudly hold her while he faced the window holding her face close to his.  I want to watch him sway around the room almost trying to calm her as if she were alive.  I know tomorrow she would be 5 years old.  She would be begging me for a silly cake of some sort.  I would be planning a over priced over worked party that would exhaust me and I would be thankful when it was over and flop down on the couch and prop my feet up and count down the months until the next one.  I would be sticking her back in bed for the 5th time tonight because she would be to over excited about her special birthday tomorrow.  Turning a whole hand.  She would be excited that she would be going to kindergarden this year.  She would be driving me I am sure crazy.  I wouldn't know to be thankful for it at that moment.  I wouldn't know that I was ever missing anything.  I would take it all a little more for granted as most "normal" parents do.  I wouldn't know,  I wouldn't even be able to imagine knowing how it could be without her.  But here I am without her.  I have her sister and her brother but that doesn't make me miss her any less.  I wish my love tonight you hadn't slipped away.  I wish it would have went different for you.