Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Worst night ever....

I think this will forever be the night I dread, this night brings the most hurt and sorrow for me and still 5 years later I never know how to deal with it.  Do I want to be alone?  Do I want people here?  The answer is usually alone.  Tonight alone it is.  My grammar might not be perfect in this post as it never is when emotions are flying over the keyboard keys.  This night 5 years ago my first born daughter was still inside me.  She was alive and right about now I was checking her heart tones because I felt off.  She had hiccups down low which I thought was odd.  It was a feeling I can't describe like she was far away.  They had a odd echoed feeling to them.  I remember talking it over with John and we discussed if we should go to labor and delivery to get checked out.  Then I pictured me walking in and telling the nurse "Oh my baby has weird hiccups and I just feel off", I knew they would more then likely roll their eyes at me and laugh about me all night.  I came up with excuses to put my mind at ease and they all made sense.  I was farther along and I could have just been dropping like people  normally do around 32-36 weeks.  Yep that makes sense.  I went to sleep telling myself I would get up first thing in the morning and go to the doctor to put myself at ease.  That night I said a prayer a weird prayer I know now.  I prayed to my brother Micah and to god that if something were to happen to this baby let her come out before it happened so that I could save her.  By the morning when I woke up I knew she had left me.  She was gone I couldn't wake her up and in my heart I knew why.  I have written this story I think every year more in depth other years then some.  Tonight I don't have the energy to go over every detail as I am doing it in my mind constantly this evening.  Grief never gets easier over time it just grows on you and you become accustomed to it.  Like a auto immune disease.  You always know you have it and it always bothers you.  Its bad when it flares but then goes into remission from time to time so that you can go thru every day life and smile, laugh and live as some "normal" people think.  Its incurable, it flares when it wants to and you have no power over it accept to learn how to ease it with practices you have learned over time.  I look at people all the time sometimes sitting in restaurants, coffee houses, parks and playdates.  I look at them and think of what they are or may be carrying with them.  You look at them and they appear normal, solid, and even happy.  You look at me and think the same things.  But little do you know I carry grief with me every day I fight the flare ups and try to keep it in remission but looking at me you can't tell the wiser.  Grief has taught me to be kind to others because you truly don't know what beasts they are silently battling even if they are smiling and laughing you don't know the measure of strength they are pulling thru to do those simple tasks.  Her lessons in life will be never ending.  I just simply miss her tonight. I simply want to hear her heartbeat again loudly thumping away and judging how proud and strong she is.  I want to giggle over her red little locks of hair and kiss her sweet face and chubby cheeks.  I want to sniff her sweet skin again.  I want to feel her warm against my face again.  I want to watch her daddy proudly hold her while he faced the window holding her face close to his.  I want to watch him sway around the room almost trying to calm her as if she were alive.  I know tomorrow she would be 5 years old.  She would be begging me for a silly cake of some sort.  I would be planning a over priced over worked party that would exhaust me and I would be thankful when it was over and flop down on the couch and prop my feet up and count down the months until the next one.  I would be sticking her back in bed for the 5th time tonight because she would be to over excited about her special birthday tomorrow.  Turning a whole hand.  She would be excited that she would be going to kindergarden this year.  She would be driving me I am sure crazy.  I wouldn't know to be thankful for it at that moment.  I wouldn't know that I was ever missing anything.  I would take it all a little more for granted as most "normal" parents do.  I wouldn't know,  I wouldn't even be able to imagine knowing how it could be without her.  But here I am without her.  I have her sister and her brother but that doesn't make me miss her any less.  I wish my love tonight you hadn't slipped away.  I wish it would have went different for you.

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