April 5th...

The counting never ceases to amaze me how it seems to continue even though you think you have gotten passed that in your life you never really truly do.  Tonight I am counting again.  Two years ago I would be sitting in bed tonight telling John I was crazy but I felt something was wrong.  But all the signs where there that she was okay and healthy.  She even had the hiccups that night but I told John I thought they felt different.  She was moving so not much to alarm there.  I kept checking her heart tones that evening with the doppler because I just felt like something was wrong.  Her heartbeat was fine and a beautiful sound to hear.  I kept reassuring myself that I had way to much time on my hands and that strict bedrest had finally caused me to lose my mind.  I went to sleep that night saying in my head if I still feel this way tomorrow morning I will just go in to be safe.  That morning I awoke to a still baby..there was no breakfast demands like usual.  She was silently sleeping, she was gone.  She silently slipped away in the night right inside of me and I didn't even know it happened.  What time was it?  What happened?  What did she think and did she know how much I loved her and how much I needed her?  All I was left with was emptiness and questions and pain.  I miss her spirited little self I love her so dearly.  How much time has changed but some feelings never seem to.  I remember myself this night last year.  I was in bed in the dark and didn't want to be near anyone in this world.  I missed her my heart ached with all it's might and there was nothing I could do to ease the pain.  I felt even more empty and that the universe had to have hated me as I had started my period again...another sign that I was even more empty and there was no baby growing inside me and I was wondering if I would ever have the chance to love again to be a new mother again and to give my family another member to love.  I was at such a low point.  If I only had known there was light around the bend and that about 21 more days from that point I would get the surprise of my rainbow on the horizon.  A new journey beginning a gift from her sister.  Yes Kinley Raye has brought light thru the darkness and my arms are holding tight to her tonight but yes I still ache for my sweet first born daughter to be in my arms again.  Forever missing you my love. 

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