Friday, July 29, 2011

regret is a ugly face

Regret is something in grief where you know it will drag you down so you try to shut your eyes tightly and stay as far from it as possible.  You try not to bring those thoughts up because there is only one outlet for them and its a bad one.  The could have should haves are simple words but they are ones that are so hurtful and piercing because after those words come the words fault and blame follow which are even more dangerous.  Regret is something I remember from Dustin's birth and blame followed it.  I felt so bad for him laying there fighting for life and I wondered and should have could haved myself to depression but one thing that kept me up was my baby was still there and fighting for life.  With Delanie's pregnancy I knew the sting of regret and I told myself that would never be me again.  I would never take a chance.  I followed orders to the dime and never cheated even though I severely wanted to.  I stayed in bed for 13 weeks straight in a laying down position with 10 minute showers and only trips to the bathroom.  The last two weeks rounding weeks 14 and 15 on bedrest I was allowed to get up and walk to the kitchen 3 times per day and sit up and it was heaven.  I didn't want to look back with any regrets if she came early.  Little did I know that wouldn't be the factor to take her from me.  So I followed orders to the tee and figured SURELY after all this hardwork I would be rewarded with the baby of our families dreams.  And not to say I wasn't rewarded because yes I did enjoy my time falling deeply inlove with my daughter and experiancing so much in pregnancy and feeling her move and looking at her face when she was born.  But like other moms I would for once like to be wheelchaired out of the hospital with a baby in my arms and happiness.  I thought about that wheel chairing one of my patients out I just wondered if she knew how many people were wishing and were cherishing the moment she was having and that she was taking for granted.  I started on the regret yesterday again just small thoughts I won't let my mind loom all the way into them because I know it is dangerous ground.  I thought of the night before she died and how I felt something was off and I kept telling John she felt weird and far away.  She had hiccups but I felt them in a different place down low in my pelvic area instead of up high in my belly.  Her hiccups reassured me that she was alright though.  I looked up half a dozen things on baby center and google that night and all of them told me about baby engaging so you would feel them lower and that movement would be slowing because they were bigger and running out of room.  I googled until I felt better.  During all this my daughter needed me and she was running out of time.  Time I could never get back.  I know there is nothing I can do now.  I am a smart person but looking back I could only wish.  I had a dream last night I was pregnant again only when the movement and stopped and she died at 32 weeks in the dream I was 34 weeks and I beleive it was with her and the time before was just a scare.  In the dream I was wearing a white maternity shirt.  My mom was with me and we were at a fair parking lot of some sort.  I noticed the baby wasn't moving much and then I felt the baby move but noticed it was weak.  I started to panic and made John take me to the doctor.  Well in the dream the doctor's office appeared in the parking lot like it happens weirdly in dreams so we walked in and I checked in.  A man was being loud in the waiting room about how big his wife was and laughing about it because they were having twins a and b he kept saying and that his wife was as big as Schlitterbaun.  He looked over to me as I was about to go to the bathroom and loudly said laughing look at her she isn't even showing.  I looked down at my white shirt and my belly was missing my belly was flat.  Then I said oh no they took her again in a bland tone as if again and again they were taking her and giving her back.  I felt my heartrate racing and then I woke up to a beautiful much needed face of my son Dustin asking me for poptarts.  I am glad I woke up and I am glad he woke me up as that dreams was weird and a hard place to be.  Just thought I would share the weirdness of my mind.  Wishing today was different and I was carting arounnd two kids to the park or to take brother and sister pictures or to shop for Delanie because like her brother she too was out growing everything.  Wishing...

1 comment:

  1. Holly,

    Don't ever regret!! I know it's hard but don't do it. I know it's hard to not think of the what if's but don't do it. Nothing that happened was your fault, Johns fault, or the doctors. It just happens. Delanie had a bigger calling that she was needed for. I know your thankful for what you got from her so keep being thankful and don't let the ugly thoughts sneak in.

    Your amazing and strong and beautiful and a great Mama. Dustin and Delanie know this too!

    One day soon you will be holding a sweet bundle in your arms again. Focus on the future and don't let nothing bring you down! :o)

    Your a beautiful ray of sunshine!! Wish we lived closer cuz I need to give you a hug!