Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Ouch that hurts...

So yesterday I offered to work the fourth of July since it's holiday pay and we could really use the extra money and John had to work anyways so what is a holiday without your husband anyways?  I was super tired but when I got there we were super busy but it later calmed more.  For those of you who don't know me personally I am a postpartum couplet care nurse.  I was sitting down eating lunch somewhat happy in my little mind chatting with my friends.  I saw a nurse that came to help us from another hospital in our NICU unit and the last time I had saw her she was pregnant and that was about 2 years ago so I thought I would be nice and ask her about her child.  She went on to say which one?  She then told me laughing that she was pregnant just about every year and laughed.  It was sad for me inside I wish I could say that.  She went on and said she had just had another baby.  I told her congratulations but on the inside feeling uneasy.  I am always happy for others and it is true happiness not fake at all a little jealous at time of the ease of there happiness but very happy for them.  She went on to say she had her third little boy in April.  My heart sank.  Then the final blow she told me April 6th.....Then she told me she had her son at the same hospital I was with the same group of doctors.  It really hurt because I have a video type brain so when someone tells me a story or statement I play it out in my head.  She was also in the room next to me.  So I pictured me in a room holding my daughter trying to focus on saying goodbye.  Then her in the next room giving birth to her lively beautiful son focusing on saying hello and wondering what she got her self into with another child so close.  I would love to be in her shoes to have a house full of screaming children and diapers to be changed and laundry pilling up.  I know its not her fault and I know she loves and takes care of her 3 boys and she is a good person.  I told her I had a daughter and the time she was brought into this world but I did not have the heart or courage to tell her the rest.  She happily bounced off as she finished her lunch and I sat in shock at the table for a few minutes imagining what her day of April 6th was like and what we were both doing at the same times in a room apart.  I thought about the moments in time that we are so blissfully unaware of like right now a mother is being told somewhere in the world that her baby has no heartbeat or right now there is a baby a beautiful baby being brought into this world in a silent room with a mother feverishly praying for a sign of life from her newborn child.  I thought and pictured everything the whole days events and the happiness in the next room verses the sadness and crushing in my room.  Those first feelings were so hurtful and so shocking the pure thought of someone ripping your heart off and stomping on it would be a slight look into them.  I could go over all my feelings of that day but I would be writing on here forever and they are all things I have slowly posted prior.  There is no true way of words to describe the aching pain of losing a part of you and the ground shattering reality of seeing your much hoped for baby lifeless but perfect with nothing wrong with her just no heartbeat.  It's just crazy these feelings of grief.  I always say time is like pain medication it soothes the pain so that you can do your daily tasks and live but it never takes away the source of the pain it can only mask it. 


  1. Oh Holly! I can't imagine what that must have felt like. :( I know it hurts so bad and there is nothing that will ever take it away.

    Your so strong it amazes me. I could never do half the stuff you do. Your simply amazing.

    Keep staying strong mama! Delanie is so proud of you!

  2. I can completely understand not telling her Delanie passed. In a way it's refreshing to hear someone talk about their story, BUT on the same hand, remind you of what you lost.

    And also, you didn't want to make her feel bad for talking about her newest addition.

    I, too, think the same way. In pictures and it will play out like a movie in my head when people tell me stories.

    And you're right, when you hear what happened to someone else the day your world changed. You think, wow, the whole world doesn't know. I just think when my world stops, that everyone should know. And for the longest time after my Mom passed, I would think of how normal life was before she was sick, and then my new normal after her diagnosis. Do you know, people were telling me, when she passed, it would be a huge relief of not feeling spread so thin. Actually, I missed it. I felt like my life had no purpose after that, I lost the life I had adjusted to as my new normal and it was weird to be "still" (Didn't last too long, being as my husband has eye surgeries and PT for his knee...LOL)

    Goodness, I certainly go on and on, but again. I just hope you understand that I am sharing, it's not meant to be as Well, look what I went through. ;) Love ya Holly!