Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Happy 3 months my princess
Yes another count down date I have been really pondering this one. When I was pregnant with Delanie John and I both decided I would be taking 12 weeks off of work when she was born so that I could enjoy her deeply since I had worked so hard to bring her into this world it would be my reward to cherish my child a little longer before entering back into the world as a working mother once again also would help build a hearty milk supply for my little one. So today my little girl would have been 3 months old I would be sad because I would be returning back to work this week and fighting tears back and dropping her off with her very excited loving grandma. I would know she was in the best of hands with her grandma but would cry driving away the first few days. How I wish this is how the story went. I wish I was crying those tears of breaking away from my baby for the first time and calling every hour to ask how she was doing without her mother next to her. But there is no one to call and no returning to her today. It's a sad reality but true. Today we were searching for a new car as I really wanted to keep busy all day so it helped and we wanted to take advantage of the newer lower interest rates as our older car has a higher interest rate. One of the car salesman asked John and pointed as our son and asked is he your only? John quickly said yes and my heart broke. I know that was the best answer for that situation and time. But it still hurts because we have one more. She just can't be seen or heard only felt. I wanted to scream out to the man no wait we have to change the answer! We have one more! Her name is Delanie and she is a angel! Please please don't forget her. But I know like I said that was the right answer for that situation and time and person. They don't want to know about it nor would they care anyways. Just thoughts and issues screaming thru my mind more then likely a little more sensitive and reactive from the date and time. I am sure tomorrow will bring a different view and a different light of things. Not all is bad in this world this I know I have learned so much from Delanie's birth and passing about people and that there is good and bad in the world and different ways to view it. I feel sometimes I have some super power to see people in a different light now. Like when grief hits you that hard it awakes a inner person in you that you have never met or even knew existed. You are forever changed and in some ways for the better. I laugh sometimes because I picture it like neo in the matrix. The world is different around you and you are more aware of the sensitivities of it and the inner peace that is so easily broken. The grief takes away the nieveness that you had before the reading of stories and never thinking it could be you. Then the shattering break thru that now you are the story and its happening to you even though you never thought it possible. It's possible. You are never better then anyone else it can happen to you so be thankful for everything and every chance you get in life cherish it deeply and be happy for the everyday life that you live. Tell the ones you love how you feel because like many say you are not promised tomorrow so live today. I know everyday I am thankful truly thankful for all the wonderful friends and family I have and the outreach of support from people for the loss of Delanie. Some of whom I have never even met but love deeply. People who would give everything they could just to make us smile. I know you are out there and I know you care and for that I love you and carry on each day knowing there is goodness out there and care and love. That is what makes me smile and that is what gives me strength and courage to keep fighting the battle of life and to keep striving for the better. Even though I keep getting knocked down I will keep getting up and I will keep fighting because I am strong and won't be beat I will fight for the love and family and life we deserve. We have so much to give. Thank you.