Sunday, July 10, 2011

So many feelings and question for you to answer

Today has been hard on feelings mixed with a lot of emotions that are hard to understand.  The road of grief is so long and so tiring.  It looks like just a road when you look at it but when you travel down it you start to see the journey.  Just like me when you look at me I am just a person but when you read my feelings you see the journey and the battle going on inside me.  On the outside I am normal and try to be funny and try to be normal and whole looking.  But on the inside I am broken and hurting and wanting to cry out in the pain.  Not to say this is me all the time there are good times and bad just like going back to the road there are bumpy parts and then there are smooth parts it's all part of the journey ahead.  But at least I am moving forward, I hope anyways.  The things that bother or trigger you are some that you would never think of, last night I was at cracker barrel enjoying time with my sister, brother in law and mother and son.  When I was looking around my heart sank when I looked at some white pretty heart shaped plates meant to hang on a wall.  They were perfect for her room.  Part of me forgetting that she was gone eagerly walked over to them and started to pick them up because they were so perfect for her room in every way.  I had hardly anything on her walls because I wanted everything to be so perfect and I was always searching for things that were special and here it was but then the reality hit me and I remembered that the room was just a room now and there was no baby coming to it and that I had lost her and wasn't pregnant anymore.  It all hit me at once.  Just like that normal to grief in 0.0 seconds.  It's amazing how your mind can do that.  How when you are groggy in the morning and are in the middle of sleep and awakeness and feel down to your belly only to find it is missing.  It still happens.  Sometimes a blessing then sometimes a reminder.  Life is hard right now hopefully better soon.  I know it comes in waves it goes up then down and you just have to wait for the next one to pass.  I know it isn't going to stop and I know I am strong just sometimes I can't be strong all the time.  Sometimes I am weak and I try not to be sometimes I let the grief pour in and sometimes I fight to keep it at bay.  I try to stop myself from talking about her all the time but lately it is all I ever think about.  I think about now what was everyone else doing when she died and what did they think when they heard the news and what did they do.  I want to know so if you read this please tell me.  Where were you and how did you find out and what did you think and the effect she has had on you.  Please respond here or on facebook or email.  I think of the Allen Jackson song where were you when the world stopped turning I know it was about September 11th but in my mind it plays because my world stopped turning that day.  I just wonder all the time what people were doing and what their reactions were.  I had a friend who's daughter passed away she I don't think will ever know how much it really effected me.  I went into a depression not just because of it but it totally pushed me over then I went to get help with medication and then my life changed for the better and I really think it was all because of her daughter.  I a few months later I finally had the guts to sign up for college and went to nursing school.  I have no idea why her death meant so much to me to change for the better.  Prolly because she was such a beautiful girl with a wonderful spirit and a huge heart.  I kept thinking of how their family just didn't deserve to lose her.  But what family does.  I think that about Delanie to.  We deserved to have her.  I worked so hard for her just as that mother my friend had worked for her daughter.  Life has a way to twist and turn and it never seems to work the way you expect it to.  Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.  So please answer my question I may save them.  But I want to know.  Where were you when my world stopped turning?  How did it effect you?  How did you find out?  How did you feel?


  1. A couple of days before Delanie was born sleeping you and I talked on facebook about thunderstorms. The next time I saw your post it said Delanie was born sleeping. I cried for you. I hurt for you. My Mom's family has endured the loss of several babies and I have seen first hand the heartache and grief that consumes a Mother and Father when bad things happen. I pray regularly for you and your family. When you and I spoke about storms I never imagined that you would soon face a completely different type of storm. When you are ready I would love to talk.

  2. When I heard about your loss, it instantly made me think of my sister in law Julie, who lost her baby @ full term. My heart felt so incredibly heavy for you, being as when her husband told me, I flew out to the hospital and just seeing her face, tore me to shreds, as NO ONE should ever have to lose a child at ANY age.

    And I know exactly what you mean about seeing something perfect and instant knee jerk reaction is to think about purchasing for them. It's been 3 years since my Mom passed and it doesn't come as often, but at first, I'd see something and think OH I should get that for my Mom, she would LOVE it!

    Example, 2 years ago, we went to the Titanic exhibit here at our museum. It was a limited engagement. Going through the whole thing, I could not stop thinking about my Mom. She LOVED Titanic and the mystic behind it all. Anything and EVERYTHING we watched together. I could not stop crying at the end, half because of the devastion they walked you through and how everything played out. And second, because I couldn't share it with my Mom. BUT I did buy her something and put it next to her urn. And if I ever choose to have her buried, the plate will go with her. I just HAD to buy it, I know that may sound silly, but I could not walk away without getting her something.

    I wanted to offer my condolences, but didn't. Being as the minute someone would say it to me, it just felt like a dagger. I know they mean well, and I know their intentions are good. But it just hurts...

    I read your blog and know all the feelings you feel, it all rings true, as I lost my Mom a few years ago and my life just felt lost. It took some time, but I finally got on the right path again. I really felt a lot of days that I was sinking, with no one to throw me a life saver. But just going through the motions and remembering to keep moving forward, eventually, you will find your new normal. And I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. After my Mom's passing, it brought me closer to my oldest daughter. It took some time to realize what good came out of such a sad loss, but I am so thankful for it.

    I am so sorry for my long winded reply. I am only telling you my story to let you know, I understand all to well what you're feeling. :)

  3. Holly...
    I was not on the pc as i had shut it down no one was on the pc that day...I had a feeling something was going on but not sure with who or what it was...I logged on the following day and saw the terrible news I cried immediately I was broken..mad scared i was pissed and your family worked so hard to keep her safe and get her here..I had just looked at the baby shower pics and saw the DELIGHT on your faces i was over joyed..I kept saying over and over again that I had read it wrong there was no way that little Miss D was gone it was impossible!
    In time it will get easier to talk about D to other people and you will do so with a smile on your face.Dustin and Delanie WILL be big brother and sister when the time is right.
    Delanie may be gone physically but not mentally or emotionally she will ALWAYS be here .All of your friends love and want the best for your family and that will be a baby when the timing is right for you and the boys.No one deserves to be a mommy more than are the strongest woman i have seen in a VERY long time.So if you want to cry ..vent or just need to talk I can speak for all of us I am sure WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU!!!
    Love you Holly!