Sunday, July 10, 2011
So many feelings and question for you to answer
Today has been hard on feelings mixed with a lot of emotions that are hard to understand. The road of grief is so long and so tiring. It looks like just a road when you look at it but when you travel down it you start to see the journey. Just like me when you look at me I am just a person but when you read my feelings you see the journey and the battle going on inside me. On the outside I am normal and try to be funny and try to be normal and whole looking. But on the inside I am broken and hurting and wanting to cry out in the pain. Not to say this is me all the time there are good times and bad just like going back to the road there are bumpy parts and then there are smooth parts it's all part of the journey ahead. But at least I am moving forward, I hope anyways. The things that bother or trigger you are some that you would never think of, last night I was at cracker barrel enjoying time with my sister, brother in law and mother and son. When I was looking around my heart sank when I looked at some white pretty heart shaped plates meant to hang on a wall. They were perfect for her room. Part of me forgetting that she was gone eagerly walked over to them and started to pick them up because they were so perfect for her room in every way. I had hardly anything on her walls because I wanted everything to be so perfect and I was always searching for things that were special and here it was but then the reality hit me and I remembered that the room was just a room now and there was no baby coming to it and that I had lost her and wasn't pregnant anymore. It all hit me at once. Just like that normal to grief in 0.0 seconds. It's amazing how your mind can do that. How when you are groggy in the morning and are in the middle of sleep and awakeness and feel down to your belly only to find it is missing. It still happens. Sometimes a blessing then sometimes a reminder. Life is hard right now hopefully better soon. I know it comes in waves it goes up then down and you just have to wait for the next one to pass. I know it isn't going to stop and I know I am strong just sometimes I can't be strong all the time. Sometimes I am weak and I try not to be sometimes I let the grief pour in and sometimes I fight to keep it at bay. I try to stop myself from talking about her all the time but lately it is all I ever think about. I think about now what was everyone else doing when she died and what did they think when they heard the news and what did they do. I want to know so if you read this please tell me. Where were you and how did you find out and what did you think and the effect she has had on you. Please respond here or on facebook or email. email@example.com I think of the Allen Jackson song where were you when the world stopped turning I know it was about September 11th but in my mind it plays because my world stopped turning that day. I just wonder all the time what people were doing and what their reactions were. I had a friend who's daughter passed away she I don't think will ever know how much it really effected me. I went into a depression not just because of it but it totally pushed me over then I went to get help with medication and then my life changed for the better and I really think it was all because of her daughter. I a few months later I finally had the guts to sign up for college and went to nursing school. I have no idea why her death meant so much to me to change for the better. Prolly because she was such a beautiful girl with a wonderful spirit and a huge heart. I kept thinking of how their family just didn't deserve to lose her. But what family does. I think that about Delanie to. We deserved to have her. I worked so hard for her just as that mother my friend had worked for her daughter. Life has a way to twist and turn and it never seems to work the way you expect it to. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. So please answer my question I may save them. But I want to know. Where were you when my world stopped turning? How did it effect you? How did you find out? How did you feel?