Saturday, April 7, 2012


So today we are feeling better, spent almost the whole day in the yard working were when we feel like this makes us feel better.  It's very healing and for all my child loss friends I highly suggest it.  I wanted to share some pictures of the yard even though after today it has changed again and I will update more current pictures tomorrow on my Easter post.  I also want to share some of the lovely gifts people gave us for Delanie's first birthday.  We were so happy she was not forgotten to many people and they helped.  We went to John's parent's house for a family get together this evening and it was wonderful to see alot of family that we had not seen in a while.  John's parent's bought us a beautiful butterfly bush for the gardens.  Dustin got his Easter basket from his grandparents and he was happy to see everyone.  I should have brought my camera to take pictures there but in the swing of the day and my aching brain I seemed to have forgotten to bring it.  I swear sometimes grief is like living life on "brain support"  you never seem to be fully functioning again.  Your mind constantly drifts to different areas and depths inside and sometimes you have no control when they wonder and how deep your thought will reach.  You learn to live and mold around these hmmm so called "episodes" and curve life and conversations around them.  I guess it would be like living with a learning disability in a way but you are still a functioning living individual.  So today alot of my thoughts were of course where we were last year and what we were doing.   Which has been happening all weekend long.  Examples were last night I was thinking oh my I would still be holding her right now touching her skin, watching her daddy sway with her across the room rocking her as if he needed to get her to drift back to sleep.  You never know how much you love the man in your life until you see him rocking gently your daughter and kissing her lightly on her forehead with such love and devotion.  I thought tonight around dinner time how we would then be making arrangements with the funeral home to come pick our sweet dream of a daughter up so that I could leave the hospital in the morning without looking back and thinking I was leaving her behind.  I just couldn't deal with the thought of that I had to make sure she left before I did.  I remember thinking how hard I thought it was leaving the hospital empty handed with Dustin but it didn't near compare to leaving empty handed with Delanie.  Being wheeled out with nothing but a swollen belly full of staples and a small box with what was left of my daughters memories and cloths.   No nothing compares to that.  I know that this week I will be thinking back to the distant memories of last year and I know many of them will hurt but to tell you the truth alot of my heart seems so numb that it doesn't hurt as much as people would assume or as much as I would assume.  I think my feelings are so exhausting and tears are so spent that its dulling out the intensity of the pain.  Or maybe as I always say I am just stronger at being a chronic pain sufferer.  So I wonder how long and just how much this week I will think back and replay.  Never know until you get there.  With all these "dates" you never know how you will feel until you get to that certain date and time.  There is no planning with grief.  I have been thinking of putting a slide show together and posting it on here about Delanie and her journey and I think I am ready to do it with John's help so that might be posting on here soon.  We shall see.  I will also post those updated pictures of the yard tomorrow.  Everything seems to be growing and branching out.  Delanie's small garden now keeps growing and surrounding the house but like I said its our therapy and when we are improving and making these beautiful gardens we feel better and closer to her maybe just closer to sanity or at least brief episodes of it =)  Enjoy the pictures it has already changed so much.
 These are from last week

  These are from Friday

drastic change took out the white rock and put in crushed granite and releveled

Her tree

Yard fixture =  )

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