Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Happy 11 months my love

I still find it hard to believe it has been this long since I have held her.  When  you see the months passing by it sometimes feels fast and then all in the same slow.  This journey has taken me so many places on so many levels I don't think words can ever truly describe every emotion that passes or comes to a parent who loses a child.  There are some emotions that are so mixed you sometimes can't even make sense if they are good or bad feelings all you know is it is a feeling of some sort.  I know it sounds really weird especially reading it back but maybe to some others they might feel like yes that makes total sense.  I find myself trying to wrap my head around my daughter's first birthday the day she was born into this world so silently but the wonderful day were I held her, kissed her and saw her sweet face and chubby cheeks.  A wonderful day but the worst day as well.  I wish I were planning it differently.  I am finding it hard to make plans to do anything but I know I want to and have a internal need to remember her on this day and do something for her and celebrate her life even though it was so short lived.  But I am still at a loss on what exactly that will be and how much I can handle really.  It brings back some of the memories on why we couldn't go thru with a funeral.  I am not sure what the exact emotions are its the fact that I should have been planning a welcoming party with proud grandparents and people arguing on who's nose she has and how happy they are that she was term and healthy and not premature and sick but instead it was a funeral to try to plan and that was earth shattering and something I could not wrap my head around.  Now with the "memorial birthday"  I should be planning her wonderful party with a smash cake and cute little baby tights on her chubby legs I should be watching her brother and her hold hands and him walking her around proudly and showing her different flowers and toys and helping her blow her candles out.  But that is just not the way it turned out to be and I understand that I truly do and I know I am blessed and very thankful for everything I have in life but it doesn't make the hurt of what is missing in this blessed life go away.  I am grateful for the lessons and some of the different outlooks on life they are only taught to the secret club of grief mothers and fathers.  I feel well educated on life and of death.  I have looked to not take things for granted but I learned this lesson with Dustin's birth as well.  I thought I had learned if fully but not until the birth of my second child.  Some days I still feel myself looking back on the week and realizing all the things I could of and should have done and then look at being thankful for all that could have happened in that week but didn't.  Good and bad there is always a balance.  It might of been a uneventful week where nothing got accomplished but then maybe that is not always a bad thing maybe you should look at it where it was a week where nothing went wrong.  Even small things like a appliance going out, car breaking down, job loss, illness.  It was a week without a major event.  Maybe not so bad of a outlook then......I will try to write more soon count your blessings daily, hourly, and by the moment....

Happy Angel Day my Love,  We love you so much

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