Monday, February 13, 2012

Strength and wear and tear....

Where do you derive your strength from daily?  Think about it...when you are weak where do you run to and what soothes you and gives you little doses of your natural strength and willingness to make better.  I have been taking time to think this over after this past weekend of the proof that stress and grief work on your body as well as your mind.  I feel that right now after these many months of the marathon of grief and stress that this body of birthing a child and going thru the emotional toll of that marathon is showing signs of wear and tear.  My spirit and mind are still strong and foward facing on healing but my body does not seem to be on the same page.  I have been having chest pain and inflammation in my upper body and GI upset and I am thinking it is all due to the ongoing battery of stress.  I think it just pulled my number and like everything else I just have to figure out a way around and thru it and keep moving forward.  I know you are thinking good god get to a doctor and I have been and will be going more this week so I am evaluated and not having a heart attack.  My heart is broken still but continues to beat faithfully.  I am just trying to relax and my mind is constantly going deeper in life.  I thought about comfort and what it means to be comforted.  What works and where I run.  I run to my husband.  Anytime I am feeling weak I need him like a fish needs water.  I need to be near him and close to soak up any energy and sootheness.  I think about that and how much I deeply love this being god gave me and guided me thru this world too.  And it makes me realize that much more that he has a plan for me and my family.  I feel amazed that he thinks we are that special to pay such attention too.  I know people would think but your daughter died?  God like I have said before did not take her.  I have many theories about that.  1.  God didn't take her,  something happened that can and will happen in this world and he came and picked her up to make sure she felt no pain or sorrow or fear of being alone at the brink of death.  2.  Maybe poor Delanie only had a short life source but saw how much I wanted her and wanted a piece of that life a piece of that love even for just a short time.  She chose us for her short stay knowing we would show her the love of a life time before she even took a breath in this world. 3.  If I had to choose again with the same result.  I would still choose her.  So yes I think god knew me.  I think god knew I would still want her, still need her.  Though I would never choose this life lesson or path I am still richer for experiance.  I love and cherish and live just a little more.  I know my husband come hell or high water will be there holding my hand the whole way still telling me he loves me thru each twist and turn.  I know my family my husband, son and I can stay together thru anything or anyway life takes us.  So this is what keeps me strong my love and the love given to me. 

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