Sunday, January 29, 2012
So sometimes grief is so exhausting. Looking out the window today driving with my family I am sitting their pondering this thing called grief that has entered our lives. I am thinking how exhausted I am and how it feels to struggle thru each day. I was thinking if only people knew how hard it is to keep your head above water on a daily, hourly and by the minute need for air. It like grief is the roaring ocean and you are stranded in the middle trying to survive with all the energy and will power you can possibly gather daily. Doing your best to swim forward and try to hit some sort of land that you can finally rest and take a break at. But never knowing how far you are from it or exactly where it is. You swim and swim and struggle but are making it and you never know when a huge wave will take you under and you will have to struggle just a little more at that time to get back above the water and keep moving forward. That is what grief feels like in a way this whole ocean anaology. Constantly struggling for peace and resting and above all just a little hope. Some days you tread the water and make way but other days its those hard waves that take you under and you have to spend the whole day just trying to get your head above water once again to get you back on the path towards land. At least you hope you are going in the right direction towards land. You can only follow your instinct and faith that it's in that direction and that what you are doing on the daily is what others call making progress. You envy the time when you didn't know such pain. Now you are a forever chronic pain sufferer. Only no amount or no medications will ever help you. So you just must learn to live with it and bare it and function and hope no one notices your off stare at times. Because though your there talking sharing and even laughing at times...a peice of your heart is not with you and you will be forever thinking and missing that little piece and thinking about how you wish you could be whole again. I have no regrets only deep love and with that deep love comes deep feelings of loss. I know I will be okay I know I will survive but my dear baby girl I will forever be missing you and you will forever on the daily hold my gaze above the clouds wondering what you are doing and maybe what you would look and feel like with me down here.