Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Happy New Years 2012

Well I know I am late in this posting for sure!  Been thinking about it though and really trying to pinpoint my exact feelings on this year of 2011 being over and done with.  Well that is the thing now that I am typing it out on the computer screen it isn't done with in a way.  There will always be a open piece to this year 2011 that we can never close or put behind us but nor would I want us to.  It's hard to say this year has been the worst year of our lives because I feel guilty for saying that about my daughter and her traumatic birth.  Because like I have always said if I had the choice to do it again given the same outcome just to have her with me for that amount of time I would.  So yes 2011 was a hard year and a year for many lessons and learning as I feel some days I am a newborn again in this world,  I can't say it was the worst ever because there can always even in our situation be worse and it brought me my beautiful daughter.  I wouldn't take those moments with her back for a million dollars even if it would mean getting rid of this grief and pain.  She was so worth it and if you all could have met her in person you would have thought the same.  She is still in my thoughts everyday and I am never seeing that changing.  I have always wondered with friends of grief how often they think of their lost children and never believing with time it would still be everyday but now I am believing in some way or another its still every minute because you in some ways carry them with you always.  So weird to really type that out and look at it and I know to the normal population it seems weird and hard to explain but you seem to always feel this weight?  Not a burden but something not quite sad not quite happy but always there.  This year I do feel a since of freshness and new HOPE.  A friend of mine gives a word to each new year and I thought about it and that is all I can think of is HOPE and HEALING.  Faith because yes I still have mine.  I think god nightly for my Delanie and choosing me to be her mother.  I always say poor Delanie I feel so honored because maybe in heaven she was trying to choose a family and knew she only had a short time so she needed to pick a family that would be able to love and care for her and show her what this world was about in a short time and she chose us.  It had to be a hard choice but I am thankful she made it.  I am now thankful I was on bedrest all those grueling months because it gave me more bonding time with just me and her and feeling each move and kick and celebrating them deeply.  I miss the days laying in bed and talking to her and watching her twist and turn from the outside.  I am so thankful I am so blessed to have had the chance to be with her so closely and bond so tightly.  So for 2012 I am hoping more healing for my family and our still broken hearts.  More lessons in life that we can survive thru.  I am still living on faith and that god will lead me on the path I was meant to lead and help me make the daily choices to follow it.  I pray for good health for my little family and happiness.  2011 is behind us and I have to say it was sad to leave it behind a little but good in another way.  I am no longer the mother that lost a child this year.  I am the mother that lost her child last year.  Almost 9 months ago now.  How much time can make such a difference in some peoples lives.  This time last year I was still working and on the 7th would be my last day of work before going on STRICT bedrest until April 6th when she came into the world.  It was a hard time but so well worth it.  So here is to 2012 and all that it brings us please lord help us heal and do better in life. 

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