Monday, December 26, 2011
So there is a saying to have a child is to forever walk around with your heart beating outside your body. So what do you do if that heart is not beating but no longer belongs to you? We had a wonderful full day of family and blessings this Christmas but all day I would share looks with my husband and look around and think about what life would be like if we were giggling over a toddler learning her steps for the first time in a dress that would be way too poofy for her and pretty shoes that were more then likely a size too big, chasing her around trying to put bows back in her hair for family pictures. Almost sounds like a busy crazy day for normal people but it sure would be heaven for us. Through out the day no one mentioned her name no one said anything no one even gave us looks of "I'm sorry" which I didn't ask for and not sure I wanted them too. Might have been to much. The only one who really channeled in because she can feel me was my best friend and her god mother. I just would think to myself she is forgotten already. Even though I know she might have been on everyone's minds and they might have just been protecting us. We were still having a great time but all the time thinking we should have done something more for her to make her presence known. Besides our normal fresh Christmas flowers in a vase next to her urn and candles lit we should have done something more. But then I feel sometimes a little shameful because I feel like I might talk about her to much or drive people insane with my grief so I constantly guard myself about what I say and when. The thing is that the grief is still fresh and yes I still think of her constantly and I am still young in my grief path and I am still learning how to live this new life and part of me is like a baby learning my way thru. But if ever a fear of me not moving forward I am just with her in tow. I just think I can't believe it has been almost 9 months since I held her 9 months ago tonight she would still be alive and wiggling around and amazing me daily with her strength and I would still be the happiest I have ever been in life with my beautiful family almost completed. Some people may think I am a dweller and that I should move on but only if they have held their lifeless child and see how perfect they are just sleeping could they judge me or tell me how to feel and since that catagory only fits a small amount of people thankfully in this world I wouldn't bet on many people telling me that. She mattered so much and I wish daily I could go back to holding her and kiss her a little more and take more pictures and share more with her. Sometimes I just stare at her little urn and can't believe that my hopes and dreams and hard long pregnancy and suffering and beautiful daughter are all wrapped up in a little metal pink box. Life can be so beautiful one moment and then so harsh and dark and ugly a breath later. The lessons this path has shown me are extremely valuable and are treasured because it has changed my outlook and sympathy to a whole other level. But I would trade it back for the innocent outlook I shared prior for her in a heartbeat. Christmas brought so many happy times in the day but in the stillness of the night came the emotions and thinking and yet again grief. Sometimes I still dream like she is with me and nothing happened and for those dreams and moments they are wonderful the feeling of blissful happiness is back until I wake up and the hard reality hits once again. But even though they are just brief moments they sure are worth it. Just like her short time here even though it was short it sure was worth it. I thank her so much for choosing us and am so blessed to have felt her held her kissed and loved her. She was worth it she was so worth it. Delanie mommy and daddy and all your family love you we miss you and will love you always and forever. You will constantly be in my thoughts and heart.