Sunday, December 18, 2011
So every morning on my way to work I think of blogs and talk about them in my mind. Then I say I am going to come home and finally start writing again but then make excuses. I have no idea why. I think because right now is such uncertain times on feelings with the holidays and just the yearning all around. My arms seem to ache a little harder these days. I wonder a little more what she would look like right now and for some strange reason I think about putting tights on her little legs and watching her crawl with them. Just the little things others prolly take for granted I yearn for and dwell on. Other babies do not bother me one bit and baby things just make me want her here to buy them all up. I want my baby not someone elses so that part is concrete in my brain. I still enjoy babies and love my job of course. I still love to smile and wave at them in the store they don't always make me think of her because they are simply not what I am yearning for, she is irreplaceable. Some days I think of how blessed I am and honored god chose me to love her for her short time. God chose me for this life lesson. I feel so close to my sister's and brother's of loss and when I meet a new couple at work it breaks my heart to know the path they have started on and all the twists and turns of the journey I know so well ahead of them. The want to wake that sleeping baby in front of you. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I desperately want to be there for them because like no one else I can say I UNDERSTAND and mean it and fully can. I have rocked a sleeping baby and prayed for a breath or any sign of life. I have kissed her hello and goodbye just like they will have to be strong enough to do. I just wish everyone could understand how much this effects a mother or father or any other family member or friend of loss and how in the profession we should do everything possible for them to ease any amount even though it is only a SMALL amount of pain they are and will go thru. This mother takes home all her hopes and dreams empty handed in a wheel chair all wrapped up in a memory box filled with mementos and pictures and footprints. That is all she gets. Its so important that she at least gets that to hold on to. I am going to try to start another fund raiser at work in hopes I can get more done for my families of loss. Heart hurts not only for my family and friends this holiday season but for all the families missing someone special around the tree this year for the first time. It seems my phrase that comes to mind all the time lately is I just wish things were different. I just wish this wasn't happening. I just wish we could be happier with her here too. But they are the way they are and we are stronger because of it. We love thru thick and thin and we just hang on that one unchanging thing, Our love. Its never ending and never fading loss can't take that away.