Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Silent Night...

I really am reaching out for feelings day by day during this holiday season.  I am feeling the feelings of grief on and off the anger, anguish, should of could of's, why me's and depression then among the also a wonderful feeling of blessed from time to time.  Because I am experiancing them because god gave me a chance.  God gave her to me and I must be thankful for that otherwise I am being rude.  I am blessed to have had her even for a short time.  My mind is just wondering more these past few days on what she would be doing right now and how I wish she were here and things were different.  I didn't take down decorations from the attic for a long while.  We bought new ornaments for the tree because of a new kitten and we didn't want our nice ones broken.  I finally opened the box from last year and BAM a bunch of bought baby ornaments people had given me for Christmas last year when we announced that we would be giving birth to a little girl.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and then in the back of my mind when I opened the box I starred down at them and slowly touched them because I was thinking the last time I touched them I was so happy and glowing and so excited and maybe just touching them I might feel a hint of that wonderment again.  But they didn't hold it like some sacred object I slowly put the lid back on and turned away.  Next year I will deal with them but this year, this year I am taking it easy and facing things as I can and will just focus on breathing and making it another day at a time.  This year is almost over and for that I am happy.   I am just praying that 2012 brings us so much more happiness and smiles.  We need it deeply and desperately lord please lead me on this path I am meant to follow to happier times please help me make the choices correctly to get there.  Heavy hearted tonight but praying.

1 comment:

  1. I would be lieing if I said I understand this. Cause now one does. Even others who loose. Each story a little different, each person dealing with it differently. You do what you need to do to cope and continue on. I continue to pray for you. I hope as well the Lord to see you through and reveal in his time the purpose for all of this. Until then HUGS and know your loved and thought of often.

    ~ The Lord gives strength to his people. The Lord blesses his people with Peace. ~ Psalm 29:11