Silent Night...

I really am reaching out for feelings day by day during this holiday season.  I am feeling the feelings of grief on and off the anger, anguish, should of could of's, why me's and depression then among the also a wonderful feeling of blessed from time to time.  Because I am experiancing them because god gave me a chance.  God gave her to me and I must be thankful for that otherwise I am being rude.  I am blessed to have had her even for a short time.  My mind is just wondering more these past few days on what she would be doing right now and how I wish she were here and things were different.  I didn't take down decorations from the attic for a long while.  We bought new ornaments for the tree because of a new kitten and we didn't want our nice ones broken.  I finally opened the box from last year and BAM a bunch of bought baby ornaments people had given me for Christmas last year when we announced that we would be giving birth to a little girl.  It hit me like a ton of bricks and then in the back of my mind when I opened the box I starred down at them and slowly touched them because I was thinking the last time I touched them I was so happy and glowing and so excited and maybe just touching them I might feel a hint of that wonderment again.  But they didn't hold it like some sacred object I slowly put the lid back on and turned away.  Next year I will deal with them but this year, this year I am taking it easy and facing things as I can and will just focus on breathing and making it another day at a time.  This year is almost over and for that I am happy.   I am just praying that 2012 brings us so much more happiness and smiles.  We need it deeply and desperately lord please lead me on this path I am meant to follow to happier times please help me make the choices correctly to get there.  Heavy hearted tonight but praying.