nervous...

A little nervous about today.  Going back to the hospital for my two week check up makes me uncomfortable and just a bit scared.  Kimmy is taking me to my appt today so I am not alone.  I wrote out thank you cards to all my wonderful nurses at North Central Baptist.  I was so blessed to have such wonderful nursing care and staff care there.  They helped me thru the way each step and they helped me get memories of my daughter when John and I were unknowing or numb on what to do next they just helped push us along because really even though I have handled fetal deaths before when it's your own you are numb and lost and stuck in that exact moment not thinking of the way you need to preserve it in time because it's all your have left.  So I am ever so thankful they were able to help me do that.  I will take pictures of everything soon so that you can see what good work they did helping me keep a little peice of her.  I am still waiting on professional pictures they took for free of charge I am hoping they got alot of good shots so that is something to look forward to seeing.  They said they should be ready around the first of May.  I have to say I am really excited about it.  I don't know how it will feel walking into the hospital it's another one of those things you just have to go thru to find out exactly what it will be like.  I know there was a bad loss there but there was a lot of love and care there (by nurses) as well.  I am nervous about seeing my doctor as I am put out at the way we were treated after Delanie' s birth and before and during.  I am going to see my other doctor today to give them some of my left over injections in hopes they will help someone else they are still sealed and boxed so hopefully they will be able to give them to someone who can't afford them.  Will be hard walking into both offices loaded with pregnant women but hopefully that will be me again someday silently waiting for my next appointment.  Seems like I am always waiting...waiting to get pregnant then for baby then now having to wait to heal and then maybe just maybe if god helps us we will be waiting for another baby again.  I guess it is all a to be continued type of thing.  I have decided I will blog the whole way and hopefully instead of sorrow and sadness this blog will be full of love and pregnancy gripes again and then flow into motherly infant woes after that.  I look back at the previous blogs from when Delanie was alive and well and I look at the videos of her little heart beating and the baby shower pictures and I don't cry but smile so maybe that is the beginning of healing.